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Original poster

I had an affair

91 replies

IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:22

Its over and I'm finding the guilt crippling (I'm not looking for sympathy)

Background, I nearly died last year. A relatively straightforward illness manifested itself in such a way that it nearly killed me. I've only just been given the all clear almost 10 months on.

That 10 months has been awful for everyone and I shut down. I turned away and couldn't cope and ended up by default in touch with an ex after a random message he sent out the blue one night.

Being so scared was what led me to shut down but I didn't want to burden my family anymore so I used him being in touch to lean on him instead.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was an emotional and physical affair... my husband has no idea. It's ended now and I feel awful. Awful for my husband, the other guy, his OH, the fucking kids involved.

I love my husband but things aren't good and he knows that we've discussed it to a point but I'm lying by omission amn't I? I don't want to hurt him but I have already and I don't know what to do. I'm torn between trying to just work on our marriage, telling the truth and seeing where it takes us or just giving him the decency to not be devastated by this but have a life where he isn't married to someone who has lied to him and cheated on him.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. Just advice...

OP posts:
Jabbercocky · 04/09/2019 15:25

I agree it’s a moral dilemma- one she has created for herself.

I also agree that some people would rather know and some people would rather not. And that is the problem. By not telling him she has decided FOR him in which camp he pitches his tent - unless prior to the affair he has indicated he would rather not know in such a situation. The OP has not said that such a previous convo took place so we can assume none happened.

I don’t therefore agree that that there is no right or wrong answer since by not telling him she is making life changing decisions on his behalf without consulting him or even letting him in on the fact that a decision has been made. Some might call that selfish manipulation. I am one such person.

Karkasaurus · 04/09/2019 17:16

I wouldn't agree that it's selfish manipulation to not tell someone something that is going to hurt them. We all make those decisions every day.

Also, she hasn't made the decision. She's canvassing for opinions.

thedancingbear · 04/09/2019 17:36

Only on MN can a woman confess to an affair and the first word of the first post in reply is ‘congratulations’

This place is absurd sometimes.

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/09/2019 17:41

OP I was just thinking today about a friend of mine who died last year and how sad it was. It makes me think Fuck it - do it or buy it or whatever ...I'm not saying it will make me have an affair but I do get possibly why you did what you did . I don't know what all your other issues are so hard to say one way or the other .

crestar · 04/09/2019 18:48

The top and bottom of it is - if you want to really make your marriage work then say nothing. The hurt will likely destroy him.

However you might feel - it will be 10 times worse for him.

Do not tell and then leave.

AMAM8916 · 04/09/2019 22:27

Don't tell him

StanleyBostitch · 07/09/2019 09:00

As someone who has been cheated on, while trying to work out our relationship issues, I think you need to tell him. You are withholding important information that he needs to know so that he can make a decision about his position on the relationship, particularly if cheating is a deal breaker for him. You have a significant imbalance in power while you know that you have taken the step to cheat and he doesn't know. I feel like you're agonising over the decision about whether or not to tell him because it's hard to tell him, not because you think it might be better if you didn't. You're justifying 'not telling' to yourself.

thedancingbear · 07/09/2019 09:04

The top and bottom of it is - if you want to really make your marriage work then say nothing. The hurt will likely destroy him.

I agree. Why should he have the right to make an informed decision about what he does with the rest of his life?

The OP is already morally bankrupt, and it's also clear that she doesn't intend to do the right thing. But it's still wrong to kid her as to what the right thing is.

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 07/09/2019 09:10

Everything Karkasaurus said.

TinyTinathy · 07/09/2019 12:59

My belief is that when you're withholding information, specifically because you know it will change a partner's opinion of the relationship, you're doing an objectively bad thing.

In addition, I guarantee that the damage done from the woman he married telling him she cheated on her will be great. The damage done by the woman he married cheating on, not telling him and him finding out down the line by other means will be much greater. It will ruin his future relationships.

It's pretty interesting reading this thread, knowing how popular it is for a woman to be told to leave her husband after finding out he watches porn.

LetsGoToTheHills · 07/09/2019 16:12

My husband had an affair. I knew something was wrong and we went to counselling but of course he was holding back so it was never going to work. It wasn't until I knew everything that I could see clearly what we were dealing with. Your husband needs all the facts so that he can decide what he wants to do. He'll know something's wrong and the truth is better than wondering and blaming himself.

burnttoastandjam · 07/09/2019 18:38

Why did the affair end? Do you still see OM?

LuckyLou7 · 07/09/2019 18:46

Tell your husband. Give him the opportunity to decide whether or not to work on your marriage or end it. Serious illness can affect people in different ways, but it's still not an excuse to cheat. Have you thought about what might happen if the OM decides to tell his partner about your affair? And then she tells your DH? The shit will well and truly hit the fan then. So, come on, it's time for some honesty.

Robin2323 · 07/09/2019 19:15

Don't really understand why op is being urge to confess.

It won't help the marriage.

It will cause great pain and something that be carried for years.

There's kids involved.

If they are trying repair the marriage this could be the final nail.

Are people projecting because they were cheated on?.

It just doesn't seem very kind ti hurt the dh by confessing. It will help no one.

It's not like dh is going to say '- thank you for telling me I now feel more able to work on our relationship and do better by the children.

Hopoindown31 · 07/09/2019 19:37

Building castles on sand is always a bad idea @Robin2323.

You talk about "them" repairing the marriage, pretty difficult for the husband to be part of that when he is in the dark. He is already suspicious by the OP's own admission.

All it takes is for the OM's wife to get drunk and find her DH on Facebook at it will definitely be game over.

Hopoindown31 · 07/09/2019 19:38

And as for the kids. This marriage sounds in a bad place at the moment are they really better off?

sprouts21 · 07/09/2019 20:00

I'm always really surprised at how many cheating spouses ponder whether to tell or not AFTER the affair citing guilt or the right to know.

It's clear that you do want him to know op, but why? Do you want him to divorce you?

tallglassof · 07/09/2019 20:10

I don't think using the op as a punching bag for feelings about affairs is fair, name calling and labeling her is not useful.

OP I think rather than going off the wheel, the medical issue was a wake up call about your life and priorities. These life changing experiences can make us reassess. If I were you I would end the marriage and not tell. Telling to relieve your guilt achieves nothing but more pain. oh and I'd say the same to a man.

Ginger1982 · 07/09/2019 20:11

I think it's telling then when you were very ill you didn't turn to your DH. Was something already missing there? I'm also sorry that you were ill and glad that you seem to be better.

HOWEVER, sorry but it doesn't excuse your dirty little affair. I couldn't live with myself staying with and sleeping with my husband all the time knowing I had slept repeatedly with someone else. He has the right to know and to decide if he wants to stay with you and possibly have a STI check.

And though you say there's virtually no chance of him finding out, I couldn't live with that fear for the rest of my life.

Robin2323 · 07/09/2019 20:21

But people do have affairs
And many people get over them.

Ginger1982 · 07/09/2019 20:23

@Robin2323 the DH deserves to decide for himself if he wants 'to get over it.'

MaeveDidIt · 07/09/2019 20:25

Agree with Karkasauras posts.
Do not tell him.
The only thing it would achieve is utter devastation for him and your DCs.

tallglassof · 07/09/2019 20:28

It's not the worst thing in the world in my opinion. Nobody died. you did what you needed and what you thought was best at the time to help you survive and cope. Your children needed you. You needed support and he was able to give it to you. You can discuss this with a counsellor if you like or find a way to process the guilt. Reframe the way you think of it, change the narrative. Life is not black and white.

tallglassof · 07/09/2019 20:31

You are human and we all make mistakes. Some times we break our promises, we fall short on our own moral standards or find that our ideas about things shift and change. Thats fine and a real part of being human. Be kind to yourself and reassess what you actually want in your life.

Robin2323 · 07/09/2019 20:32

But why cause him all that pain of the marriage can be saved ?

An affair is just symptoms of problems in the marriage- not the cause.

As pp as said a confession makes it all about the affair.

Some people drink , smoke , take drugs and others affairs.

But these people are in pain.

And of course they should calmly sit down with their spouse and explain their unhappiness and try to resolve things but sometimes their spouses won't listen or don't believe them.

And then they should split up - but it's not all black and white and not everyone has that maturity sadly.

IMHO