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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had an affair

91 replies

IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:22

Its over and I'm finding the guilt crippling (I'm not looking for sympathy)

Background, I nearly died last year. A relatively straightforward illness manifested itself in such a way that it nearly killed me. I've only just been given the all clear almost 10 months on.

That 10 months has been awful for everyone and I shut down. I turned away and couldn't cope and ended up by default in touch with an ex after a random message he sent out the blue one night.

Being so scared was what led me to shut down but I didn't want to burden my family anymore so I used him being in touch to lean on him instead.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was an emotional and physical affair... my husband has no idea. It's ended now and I feel awful. Awful for my husband, the other guy, his OH, the fucking kids involved.

I love my husband but things aren't good and he knows that we've discussed it to a point but I'm lying by omission amn't I? I don't want to hurt him but I have already and I don't know what to do. I'm torn between trying to just work on our marriage, telling the truth and seeing where it takes us or just giving him the decency to not be devastated by this but have a life where he isn't married to someone who has lied to him and cheated on him.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. Just advice...

OP posts:

AusFrosty · 04/09/2019 05:08

Are you simply thinking of leaving your husband because you can’t stand the guilt? Or was this an “exit affair” of sorts ? I get the impression that the thing your fear most is your children finding out that the marriage ended because of your affair, you are more worried about the damage to your reputation than losing your husband. Perhaps I am being unfair..,,?

You mentioned you have “discussed it to a point” - the other man ? Or your relationship?

If the other wife knows, I can’t believe your husband won’t find out eventually. Normally I’d say keep it to yourself, but in this case I think your husband will find out eventually (probably suspects already) - so tell him.

Be honest with yourself about your motivations, though.

tisamadworld · 04/09/2019 05:35

I'd echo the pp who said reverse the roles and think what you would want to be done if you were your DH. Imho he has a right to the truth. Ime sharing this kind of alienating information with ones partner does not relieve your own guilt, ime it makes the guilt and shame worse. The revelation of the details of ones betrayal, deception, and infidelity, the pain it causes for your monogamous partner, their mourning and grief — these are horrible experiences, which filled me with lasting remorse. But he deserves to know. Indulging an infidelity is blameworthy enough, adding covering up the truth about something so significant was something I could eventually not stomach.

You know, if you are genuinely a good and sincere person, who just made a bad mistake, he could try to forgive you, and you two could resurrect your bond through these trials and tribulations. I mean you nearly died. Context is important. Honest communication is as well.

Jesaminecollins · 04/09/2019 05:39

I had an emotional affair a few years ago because I wasn't getting the support I needed from my husband. I don't regret it at all because he was a single man - he sadly died but I do sometimes wish we could have taken it further but c'est la vie!

Don't feel guilty because I don't

SirChing · 04/09/2019 05:51

Hi OP. I can't say whether to tell him or not, but having a secret from him will prevent you from being fully close with him, surely? Won't it always be there at the back of your mind?

What about having 1 to 1 counselling to discuss the affair, why it happened, your marriage and wjat you want from the future, and then maybe tell him within a counselling session he can attend. At least if you have worked through it with a counsellor, about WHY it happened, and what you would like from the future - whether together or apart - you will be more equipped to answer any questions that he has.

It seems like you want to tell him for HIS sake which is the best reason. And also so you can address your issues with a clean slate. You aren't a bad person, just someone who has experienced trauma and made an awful choice. Couples can and do stay together after affairs. You have to want to make it work though. Good luck

Watchingthyme · 04/09/2019 07:25

I would probably leave the marriage and not tell.
But don’t leave for the OM
that will never work.
But that’s just a personal opinion and not necessarily the right one. And I would say the same to a man. If the marriage was over and they were very unhappy.

RJoneszy · 04/09/2019 07:59

@Mrsmummy90 I completely agree.

Herewego93 · 04/09/2019 08:12

Emotional and physical affair.. Think you need to come clean. Feel sorry for your partner worrying he could of lost you and then to be cheated on. If he finds out somehow how will he cope. Is he likely to have a break down or could he understand at all and move past this? Opening up to an ex instead though pretty much shows how bad your issues are.

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2019 08:22

Lots of people have affairs, OP. Just chin up and forget about it.

Next time a woman comes on here having discovered her husband has cheated on her and is looking for advice, I'll remember to tell her this wonderful gem. FFS

HarryElephante · 04/09/2019 08:54

Next time a woman comes on here having discovered her husband has cheated on her and is looking for advice, I'll remember to tell her this wonderful gem. FFS

It's true, though. Lots of people do have affairs.

Why ruin a bunch of lives by telling everyone? Swallow the guilt and move on.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 08:57

I love my husband but things aren't good
Could they be good again?
Would he agree to work on your marriage?
He does deserve to know the truth.
It's horrendous being the last to know.
Deep breath. Big girl pants. Have the discussion then see where that takes you.

ADUTT7 · 04/09/2019 09:28

If there is a good chance you will split up anyway die to your unhappiness with the marriage then I wouldn’t tell. It will help no one. If you want your marriage to work and see counselling to see if you can get it back on track then I think you will have to confess because he needs to know what you have done and decide if he can forgive you or not.

Original poster

IAmTheSockThief · 04/09/2019 10:10

I get the impression that the thing your fear most is your children finding out that the marriage ended because of your affair, you are more worried about the damage to your reputation than losing your husband

I think I wrote it poorly. My biggest concern is the impact of a separation to everyone involved.

I know that if I keep schtum the chance of him finding out is teeny teeny tiny, I obviously know anything could happen as with anything but I'd say 99.9% he won't ever find out through anyone else.

This isn't about relieving my guilt, telling him wouldn't do that. I guess I'm trying to figure out what's best for everyone and because of how unlikely it is for him to find out is it worth the distress it would cause?

OP posts:

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 04/09/2019 11:20

I seriously fucking hate MN when it comes to women having an affair. The excuses, the justification, the selfishness it's all sickening.

OP, you are a cheat, you consciously made the choice to be deceptive and destructive and evidently had no regard for your husband, let alone the children and the other people involved.

Whether it's over or not, your husband has the right to know what he is married to. There is absolutely NO justification for him to not know. Him being hurt is no reason not to tell him, he has to know so that he can actually make a decision on whether he wants to remain married to someone who could deceive him and fuck around or whether he wants to leave and be with someone else.

Telling him is not easing your guilt as people put it, I hate this spin I see on MN when it's the woman cheating.

You continuing to lie is selfish and vile and you owe your husband the truth. What happens thereafter is the consequences of your actions. He will be hurt, of course, but he has to know the truth. It is despicable to think that you can hide it and continue this disgusting lie.

Tell him the truth, allow him to make a decision for himself. Continuing to lie is the selfish and pathetic choice to make.

You've already caused the hurt and distress, you now have to tell the truth.

Scott72 · 04/09/2019 11:27

I don't think you should tell him. Being so close to death can apparently put people in a place where they behave completely out of character.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 04/09/2019 12:25

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents I concur

SoupDragon · 04/09/2019 12:29

Lots of people have affairs, OP. Just chin up and forget about it.

Wtf?

SoupDragon · 04/09/2019 12:33

There have been similar threads with the sexes reversed. The poster is always told he is despicable and needs to tell his wife because she needs to go for a sexual health check.

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/09/2019 12:37

"Its over and I'm finding the guilt crippling" - and that, my dear, is YOUR burden to bear. Yours. You chose this, you did it, now you do the time for remorse.

But? Its over. You discovered that whatever it was you were trying to soothe or fulfil by going into fantasy, didn't work (well done).

DO NOT try and lighten your load by hurting your husband in ways that you can never recover from.

The only thing I can describe knowing the person you intimately trusted and thought was your best friend is actually a selfish callous betrayer is like? NUCLEAR ANHIALATION.

There is no way to describe the pain, the loss of innocence, the devastation. Of course the betrayer 'doesn't mean' to hurt another person like this. But the reality is, they do.

And that is why you MUST NOT TELL, bear your guilt on your own forever and ever, SORT YOUR SHIT OUT, and strive to become a better person.

Go to therapy. Staring death in the face and looking to 'be alive', kind of makes sense. But this (facing your own mortality) is your journey. So go on it.

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/09/2019 12:39

PS I would give exactly the same advice to a man.

If you read carefully, again and again the damage described, people's pain, is when people get caught.

Hopoindown31 · 04/09/2019 12:45

Typical awful MN advice to continue to lie and deceive here. Confessing and getting caught are not the same thing. Trust me, spontaneously confessing an affair is a hell of a lot better than allowing your partner's suspicions to grow into a confrontation and a forced partial confrontation. The DH's blissful ignorance entirely reliant on other people staying quiet, people the OP can't control as well as her not slipping up at all.

Bunglefromrainbow · 04/09/2019 12:51

OP you know better than anyone that you need to tell him. It's eating you up, it's eating him up and do not kid yourself that this has very little chance of coming out too.

Believe you me, he needs to know this and he needs to find out from you. If you can live with not only being a cheat but also being a liar and an abuser then go ahead. Otherwise tell him.

Jabbercocky · 04/09/2019 12:56

You have lied and you have cheated and you are wondering if more lies are the answer to all this. Oh dear me, you’re not good at life at all are you.

You say the guilt is crippling you, but is it really? What lengths are you really willing to go to to truly atone for all this. How about you transfer all your assets into your husbands’s name and all the debts into yours. Then leave the marital home once you’ve confessed and become a non-resident, co-career for you children and support him through the emotional rollercoaster you’ll have set him on, even if that means watching him screw his way through a bus load of women whilst he tries to numb the pain and you remain celebrate in the hope that he’ll come through the trauma barrier with a willingness to build a new relationship with you - or not? Is that the kind of thing that would cure your “crippling guilt”? I rather suspect this has less to do with the impact on your kids and his feelings than it has to do with you not wanting to face up to the fall out of discovery.

The prisons of this world of full of people who made one terrible mistake. Doesn’t mean we let them out. You built this prison for yourself. Own it. Grow up.

Karkasaurus · 04/09/2019 12:57

I don't think having an affair is the worst thing someone can do. It's very common. It can be borne of many things, such as excessive loneliness, a feeling of not being loved or appreciated, a worry that life is passing you by, a desire to take control of your destiny, a genuine love and bond with someone else... It's historically incredibly common.

I don't believe that people who have affairs are evil or deserve to beat themselves up for the rest of their lives. Humans are imperfect and marriage is long and hard.

I'm not going to berate the OP. She made a mistake and it's not going to help to condemn her for a mistake millions of people have made while we're navigating the painful and confusing process of being a human being.

Jabbercocky · 04/09/2019 13:44

I don’t disagree but the OP wants to know if it’s OK to keep her husband in ignorance - effectively deciding he should not be allowed to make an informed decision on whether to stay with her or not - by not telling him she has decided for him that it is better he lives a lie than she faces the consequences. And that is not OK. That’s rather controlling. Rather abusive. That’s burning up someone else’s life for the sake of her comfort and lack of courage and it is this post-affair behaviour that draws my contempt the most.

Karkasaurus · 04/09/2019 15:17

It's a moral dilemma though. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Some people would want to know. Some people wouldn't.

Personally, I am in the least said soonest mended camp.

And especially if the relationship is potentially over anyway, I think it could cause unnecessary hurt on top of hurt.

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