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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had an affair

91 replies

IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:22

Its over and I'm finding the guilt crippling (I'm not looking for sympathy)

Background, I nearly died last year. A relatively straightforward illness manifested itself in such a way that it nearly killed me. I've only just been given the all clear almost 10 months on.

That 10 months has been awful for everyone and I shut down. I turned away and couldn't cope and ended up by default in touch with an ex after a random message he sent out the blue one night.

Being so scared was what led me to shut down but I didn't want to burden my family anymore so I used him being in touch to lean on him instead.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was an emotional and physical affair... my husband has no idea. It's ended now and I feel awful. Awful for my husband, the other guy, his OH, the fucking kids involved.

I love my husband but things aren't good and he knows that we've discussed it to a point but I'm lying by omission amn't I? I don't want to hurt him but I have already and I don't know what to do. I'm torn between trying to just work on our marriage, telling the truth and seeing where it takes us or just giving him the decency to not be devastated by this but have a life where he isn't married to someone who has lied to him and cheated on him.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. Just advice...

OP posts:

CTRL · 07/09/2019 20:37

In my opinion and how I’ve understood it;

You were going through a tough time, you were talking to an ex and he made you feel somewhat better while going through this tough time and you guys got close. But you haven’t engaged in any physically sexual with him. You have now realised you were wrong and now have locked it off and want to work on your own relationship.

I think you don’t have to say anything. You have stopped things with your ex before it turned into something and now you want to focus on what you have with your current partner which I think is best

Ginger1982 · 07/09/2019 20:42

@CTRL the OP said it was a physical affair.

insanemumof3 · 07/09/2019 20:43

@CTRL she clearly states it was emotion and physical

Biancadelrioisback · 07/09/2019 20:43

I believe people are the sum of their actions.
I believe you have made a mistake. Some people like, some cheat, some steal. I believe it is what you do next that shows what kind of person you are. I fully believe that honesty is key in any relationship, even if that means hurt. I would be more upset by DHs lies and deceit than the affair. Affairs don't just happen, there are things that lead up to them happening and yours sounds quite traumatic. That doesn't excuse what you did but I can understand how you got there.

I think you should tell him. The kids don't need to know, but he does. You are his wife. That has to mean something.
Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship, it's how you move on from it.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 20:43

Ok I misread...calm down.

SoupDragon · 07/09/2019 22:56

But why cause him all that pain of the marriage can be saved ?

Because he might not want to remain married to a cheater.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2019 00:20

Individual counselling could be helpful.
If you're likely to split up what's the point in telling him.

...and was the OMs wife finding out the reason the affair ended?
Because if so..she could be seething that you've got away with it and decide to tell you H

Believe it or not, I heard a case where someone told the BH 17 years later.

YellowArdvsrk · 08/09/2019 02:01

I think leave him but not tell him.

I’ve been cheated on and found out when it was over anyway and the betrayal totally screwed with my mind and made me so insecure and untrustworthy I completely messed up my next two relationships with my lack of trust. I honestly think I would have been better off not knowing

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 02:05

I really can't see how you can engage fully in couples counseling (if you do it) whilst hiding this secret. The whole exercise will be a sham.

thedancingbear · 08/09/2019 06:55

I believe it is what you do next that shows what kind of person you are.

No it's not, it's the shagging another feller over an extended period of time. Anything past that is secondary and to assuage her guilt.

An affair is just symptoms of problems in the marriage- not the cause.

Ah I see. Good old MN logic.

Man has affair- man's fault
Woman has affair - man's fault.

Blatant and extraordinary double standards, as usual.

Biancadelrioisback · 08/09/2019 08:25

No it's not, it's the shagging another feller over an extended period of time. Anything past that is secondary and to assuage her guilt.

You're not a bad person for making a mistake was my point, but I think a good and respectful person owns it. She cannot go back and make it unhappen. She should absolutely, 100% tell him, not to appease her own guilt as many are claiming, but so that he has the right to leave the relationship on these grounds or he may be prepared to forgive her. But not telling him is essentially tricking him into continuing the relationship, showing him no respect and showing their marriage no respect.

Robin2323 · 08/09/2019 09:06

An affair is just symptoms of problems in the marriage- not the cause.

This applies to men as well as women.

It bad but not evil.

Affairs can be forgiven.

(Not serial philanderers )

But violence , cruelty , neglect - serious stuff can not.

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 10:21

Affairs can be forgiven.

How can they be forgiven of the injured party doesn't know about them?

Robin2323 · 08/09/2019 10:39

Good point

I meant on the grand scale of things if it over and done with then let sleeping dogs lie.

But there was a thread yesterday about a mum who was constantly letting her adult daughter down.

And when challenged by the daughter made her daughter out to be in the wrong. (Repeatedly)

This is not a one off. It's abuse from the off.

We need to nurture our daughters, sisters female friends, so they can grow and be strong women- who can then bring their sons in a healthy way. (Who won't go on to have affairs when the going gets tough )

IMHO

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 17:21

If you love your husband, than you need to tell him the truth and see if you can work through things. If you dont love your husband but just like the trappings of being married than dont tell him as you will be humiliate him from here on in. Its really as simple as that. If you love him you would tell him the truth, it shouldn't be about protecting yourself.
I cant believe those ppl saying to just leave him, dumping all the problems off the relationship on him without him having any idea why, still keeps you as the victim which I assume is why they said it.
As others said this is Mns at its finest - hypocritical and man hating.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 17:23

@tallglassof,

I have yet to see a similar response by you when a man has had an affair

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