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Relationships

Partners relationship with my child

195 replies

Namechanging2 · 03/09/2019 04:10

I have been with my partner for 2 years and he's just recently moved in. The relationship has always been a bit rocky, with issues around our very different parenting styles. I have been a lone parent for years and am set in my ways, but it works for me and my child. OH thinks I'm too soft and steps in now and again, but he's too harsh as far as I'm concerned. He's like that with his own children too. By harsh I mean shouting at them aggressively and suddenly like he just loses it now and again.

Since he's moved in he's stepped in over my child staying in his own bed. I've always been happy to cosleep but obviously lately with my partner moving in my lb has had to sleep in his own bed. There's been a lot of getting up in the night to see to him and oh thinks I'm too soft and spend half my night sat in there with him, which is true. Oh decided he would take over and has been successful in getting my lb to stay in bed, but I've been suspicious about how he's doing it. I've heard him talking gently to him, and he tells me that he reassures him but firmly tells him that he has to stay in his own bed. But now and again I can really hear my lb sobbing and I can tell he doesn't get up in the night any more because he's too scared. He's becoming withdrawn around my partner and seems to be losing his confidence. He's definitely less secure than he was an glances over at my partner before he moves/speaks. He seems to be on eggshells and tells me that my partner doesn't like him and is always mad at him. Yesterday my lb wandered off to sit by himself looking sad and when I asked him what was wrong he said he'd been told off, but I had been in the room and hadn't heard anything. My lb said oh had made angry faces and waggled his finger at him for something, clearly when I wasn't looking.

My partner takes my lb out and goes out of his way to make an effort with him, but this relationship obviously isn't right. Yesterday my lb told my eldest that my partner hits him at night when I'm not there. When asked for a demonstration he put his hand on his cheek. I've asked my lb a few times what happens when oh goes in at night but he clams up and won't tell me anything. I need to address this today. Opinions?

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Namechanging2 · 23/07/2020 19:09

Wow - almost a year ago. Looking back over the thread is hideous, it's hard to believe how awful it was and how much better things are now. The ex isn't around or involved at all. Someone in the thread warned me at the time that the emotional manipulation would get worse and it did. He was quiet for a few days and then him and his mum started. Obviously they said it was all my fault and I was neurotic, and that I would never think anyone would be good enough for my children as I smother them and wrap them in cotton wool. Then he changed tactics and tried to persuade me that I had PND and needed his support to see how I was struggling. Then he got nasty again and so on. It was utterly draining for a few months but I remember thinking that the stronger I was the weaker he would get. He just had nothing to argue against in the end because I wouldn't engage. I had moments of weakness when I unblocked him and allowed him to get in contact because I wasn't sure what to do about him having contact with the baby but it only ended in him flinging abuse at me so ultimately I cut contact and haven't heard from him since. I'm not convinced that he won't be in touch in the future but I'll deal with that if and when it happens. I was so vulnerable back then, just a few days after giving birth. It makes me feel sick thinking back to it.

These days my little boy is back to his normal, chatty, happy little self. It took a while though and who knows what lasting damage there is. At first I was worried that he would think it was his fault that the ex left, as he knows that he had to leave because of the way he treated him, but I hope it has taught him that no one is allowed to mistreat him and that he has the right to feel safe and happy.

Thank you all again for your support. I can't tell you how much it gave me strength at the time, so thank you.

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