Partners relationship with my child

[Namechanging2]

I have been with my partner for 2 years and he's just recently moved in. The relationship has always been a bit rocky, with issues around our very different parenting styles. I have been a lone parent for years and am set in my ways, but it works for me and my child. OH thinks I'm too soft and steps in now and again, but he's too harsh as far as I'm concerned. He's like that with his own children too. By harsh I mean shouting at them aggressively and suddenly like he just loses it now and again.

Since he's moved in he's stepped in over my child staying in his own bed. I've always been happy to cosleep but obviously lately with my partner moving in my lb has had to sleep in his own bed. There's been a lot of getting up in the night to see to him and oh thinks I'm too soft and spend half my night sat in there with him, which is true. Oh decided he would take over and has been successful in getting my lb to stay in bed, but I've been suspicious about how he's doing it. I've heard him talking gently to him, and he tells me that he reassures him but firmly tells him that he has to stay in his own bed. But now and again I can really hear my lb sobbing and I can tell he doesn't get up in the night any more because he's too scared. He's becoming withdrawn around my partner and seems to be losing his confidence. He's definitely less secure than he was an glances over at my partner before he moves/speaks. He seems to be on eggshells and tells me that my partner doesn't like him and is always mad at him. Yesterday my lb wandered off to sit by himself looking sad and when I asked him what was wrong he said he'd been told off, but I had been in the room and hadn't heard anything. My lb said oh had made angry faces and waggled his finger at him for something, clearly when I wasn't looking.

My partner takes my lb out and goes out of his way to make an effort with him, but this relationship obviously isn't right. Yesterday my lb told my eldest that my partner hits him at night when I'm not there. When asked for a demonstration he put his hand on his cheek. I've asked my lb a few times what happens when oh goes in at night but he clams up and won't tell me anything. I need to address this today. Opinions?

[HavelockVetinari]

Well done! You've done a really brave thing, it's very hard to walk away from a manipulative abuser, many women take years to break free. And only a week after giving birth! You're a total shero

[YouJustDoYou]

Well done op. Ignore the judgemental arseholes on here - there but for the grace of God.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Fantastic update, OP. Well done.

Rebuild ties with your son and give him lots of cuddles. And good luck with baby; you are so much better off without that bully of a man.

[Boysbeforeflowers]

You are a strong person. Some people are quick to judge when it's not themselves in that situation, but things are a lot more difficult when you are living through it. Your boy is young and you acted as soon as you realised he was at risk. Good on you. Congratulations on your new baby :)

[Branleuse]

Well done OP. Youve dealt with this really well. As soon as things became apparent, you took action to protect your children.
I agree with the others about your own surname on the birth certificate. That is very good advice and something I wish I had done

[MerryDeath]

why would you have let this person move in with your son in the first place? you say it's rocky... this is so irresponsible and selfish.

[Janey284]

Well done for getting rid of him, OP and best wishes for the future.

For those posters criticising the OP for being involved with him in the first place - abusers are manipulative, he was hardly going to be abusive in the first date. It’s a slow process and they only reveal their true selves when they think their victim is trapped. OP it’s good that you’ve recognised him for what he is and had the strength to leave him.

[Janey284]

@MerryDeath

Why come on here to post that? She’s recognised he’s an abuser and has left him. The OP has been being abused, she needs support, not more abuse. That goes for you too @JoxerGoesToStuttgart

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

[YouJustDoYou]

Fuck off @MerryDeath. She's left him - what the fuck is so wrong with you that you'd deliberately stick the knife in like that?

[Aprillygirl]

I'm so glad you've found the strength get this man out of your life, it won't be easy especially as you have a newborn but you have definitely done the right thing for your child/ren. Good luck to you all

[mordecaithomas]

It's actually refreshing to see someone get rid of an abusive partner on here. There's so many threads where people ask for advice and ignore it.

Well done! That can't have been easy.

[itbemay1]

Well done darling. You are incredibly strong to do this with a tiny baby. You have done the right thing.

[Lovethetimeyouhave]

How is everything going op

[Namechanging2]

Ok thanks. I'm in a bit of shock today I think, just trying to process everything that happened and how quickly. My lb is different already, it breaks my heart that he had to endure nastiness for those weeks/days, I don't really know. It's difficult to know exactly what happened and what the extent was. The ex insists he was just being firm and that he 'didnt push' but used his hand to guide him back to lying down. Wtf does that even mean? Whatever it was, it was too much. I've had a big long message today from him pouring his heart out about how I've taken everything away from him and ruined his life, and how he can't believe how ruthless I've been. He should have thought about all that before he took it upon himself to intimidate my lovely boy. I've just blocked him on everything and am concentrating on getting back to normal. I'm trying to give my son lots of love and reassurance without going over it.

Once again, thank you all for your support. I've been reading the messages all day, they're very much appreciated.

[user764329056]

Brilliant update OP, am so relieved for you and your little boy that this man is no longer around you both

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

That goes for you too @JoxerGoesToStuttgart**

@Janey284 I haven’t posted on this thread since yesterday evening so not sure why you’re implying I am still bothering the OP particularly if you have actually read my posts you will see that I already congratulated OP for leaving as quickly as she has.

[maximumcarnage]

It’s an awful situation to be in, and I can only speculate at how difficult this has all been for you. Your now ‘ex’ partner has displayed a veritable cocktail of troubling behaviour. You’ve not ruined his life, he has, in his warped treatment of you and your little one. It’s not your actions that have led to this, but his. Don’t let him try to palm off the responsibility. It’s on him.

Honestly people like him disgust me. Always trying to find excuses or blame others for his actions. You managed to make an incredibly difficult decision. People on the outside like me can hardly comprehend the difficulty and trauma that you’ve had to deal with. Any time you doubt your resolve just look to your little one, remember his fear and the sobbing. Again, well done for protecting you and yours.

[YouJustDoYou]

Fantastic news op- well well done! Your dear little boy - that bastard, how dare he 😡 You're a brilliant mum.

[Chocmallows]

OP prepare for more shock, confusion, anger etc. It's all part of grieving for the loss of what you thought the relationship was. You had good intentions and clearly love your DS.

Your ex awful behaviour was his choice and therefore his fault. Your behaviour in getting rid was right and brave.

[metnums]

You're a wonderful mum OP
Like a PP said it's not easy to leave with a small baby. You are so strong to be able to follow through like that.

[Timandra]

Well done for walking away!

I think people sometimes don't understand the power of coercive control.

You should expect an escalation still. He may tell social care you're an unfit parent for some reason, he may start threatening suicide or threatening you or your family. Stick it out. Grey rock.

You've protected your son by removing his abuser. You did the right thing as soon as you realised what was happening.

Fingers crossed he keeps his promise about not wanting to be involved with the baby.

[XJerseyGirlX]

Well done OP, what a woman, what a parent xxx

[Flumpywoo]

How are you getting on OP?