Partners relationship with my child

[Namechanging2]

I have been with my partner for 2 years and he's just recently moved in. The relationship has always been a bit rocky, with issues around our very different parenting styles. I have been a lone parent for years and am set in my ways, but it works for me and my child. OH thinks I'm too soft and steps in now and again, but he's too harsh as far as I'm concerned. He's like that with his own children too. By harsh I mean shouting at them aggressively and suddenly like he just loses it now and again.

Since he's moved in he's stepped in over my child staying in his own bed. I've always been happy to cosleep but obviously lately with my partner moving in my lb has had to sleep in his own bed. There's been a lot of getting up in the night to see to him and oh thinks I'm too soft and spend half my night sat in there with him, which is true. Oh decided he would take over and has been successful in getting my lb to stay in bed, but I've been suspicious about how he's doing it. I've heard him talking gently to him, and he tells me that he reassures him but firmly tells him that he has to stay in his own bed. But now and again I can really hear my lb sobbing and I can tell he doesn't get up in the night any more because he's too scared. He's becoming withdrawn around my partner and seems to be losing his confidence. He's definitely less secure than he was an glances over at my partner before he moves/speaks. He seems to be on eggshells and tells me that my partner doesn't like him and is always mad at him. Yesterday my lb wandered off to sit by himself looking sad and when I asked him what was wrong he said he'd been told off, but I had been in the room and hadn't heard anything. My lb said oh had made angry faces and waggled his finger at him for something, clearly when I wasn't looking.

My partner takes my lb out and goes out of his way to make an effort with him, but this relationship obviously isn't right. Yesterday my lb told my eldest that my partner hits him at night when I'm not there. When asked for a demonstration he put his hand on his cheek. I've asked my lb a few times what happens when oh goes in at night but he clams up and won't tell me anything. I need to address this today. Opinions?

[CupoTeap]

Op what you have said is enough. You don't need proof. You know this is not a good enough living situation for your son. You have already lost his tryouts if he won't tell you.

[Kittykat93]

Jesus christ op do you really have to ask??

Your little boy is frightened in his own home. Is your new relationship really worth that?

[Chottie]

Please, please x 1,000 times put your child first before this abusive man. Do not enable this man a moment longer. I felt ill reading your post too, your poor son, you are his parent and need to stand up and protect him and keep him safe.

[maximumcarnage]

Let me put it this way. If I knew a child was being abused I’d be straight on the phone to social services/police. If this continues to happen there’s a very real chance you’ll get a knock on the door one day.

I can only speculate the damage that’s being done and the terrible long term consequences. This hardly needs a thread to ask for opinions. Who in their right mind would say anything beyond chucking this man out. Very rare reading a thread does it make my blood run cold, reading this one did. What are you thinking?

[LittleCandle]

I'm another who is wondering why on earth you agreed to this man moving in when the relationship is rocky? Get rid of him. Your child, your parenting style and fuck all to do with him. Your child is far more important than any man. Why are you even asking about this? Your child comes first. Dump the man before the abuse goes even further. And for goodness' sake, don't have a child with this man!

[Grandcentralstation]

Your poor son. Are you seriously wondering what to do??? I’d have the locks changed and his stuff outside by midday.

Your child should always come first.

[Namechanging2]

Yes, you are all right, I know he needs to go and he will. My child is 4, my eldest is 17. This has happened over the last few weeks. He moved in 3 weeks ago, I started being suspicious about a week ago and ds behaviour only changed in the last couple of days. The sitting alone/telling my eldest he'd been hit was yesterday. I at first wondered if the change in behaviour was because I had just had a baby - born last week, which is why we decided to take the next step and move in together. I am awake throughout the night now baby is here so I could go into him if he woke up last night, which he didn't. I'm not scared of him, I have only just realised what is happening. I can't believe my poor boy has been suffering and I didn't know. I can't believe I've just had a baby to an abusive bastard. What the fuck have I done? I feel so sick. As soon as he's awake he's going to have to go.

[sallievp]

Put your child first!!! What's wrong with you!!!!! ???

[sallievp]

You are doing the right thing....protect your child!

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Good luck-it’s the right thing to do

[AmIThough]

OP report him if you believe he's hit your son.
If he's doing that to a child that's not his own, you need to know that the baby will be safe with him and at the moment, the baby would not be safe.

[expatinspain]

Yep, 💯 he has to go. My DD has a step dad and of course these relationships can be difficult. My DP and her have their moments and she can be quite cheeky with him in a way that she isn't with me and he's a bit of a nag about tidying up, but it's normal stuff. She's not scared of him and although I'm referee sometimes, they generally get on well. If I tell her off or am I'm angry with her, she goes to him for a cuddle and when I was moaning about him one time to a friend she told me off!! There is a lot of love between them and that's the most important thing. If I ever though she was scared of him or that he didn't love her I would leave. If he ever hit her I really wouldn't like to think what I'd do to him. Your poor child. You need to get rid of him immediately.

[EAIOU]

It's better now that its come out before it escalates further. Hes not a good person by the sounds of it. Instilling fear and control over a little one looking for comfort is cruel.

Sorry you're in this situation. Hope your little one is ok and congrats on your new baby.

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Two years in and his behaviour starts to change is apparently normal for abusive men. Long enough to get you 'hooked'. Plus now you're tied to him by a child.

I also say, get him to move out.

Have a read of this book, it talks about how you should have a plan for separation as the behaviour can be amplified at a time like this.

It also says he might get worse in the post separation period particularly if he thinks you won't get back with him.

Please ring a helpline first. They should be able to suggest how to approach social services. Best to have a written paper trail of allegations in case it's needed. He may try for custody and try to flip the abuse back on you.

Good luck!!

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

docdro.id/py03

[Persea]

Your poor little boy. Of course you have to dump this abusive hideous man and kick him out immediately.

[crystalize]

Thank god its only been a few weeks. You are definitely doing the right thing kicking him out. What an utter twat pretending to care for your child when he was scaring the poor lad half to death... and as for hitting him... I agree I would report him to protect your baby for the future. Good luck op you can do this xx

[Waxonwaxoff0]

Are you insane?

I'm a single parent and threads like these are one of the reasons I will never have a relationship while my DS is young. If any bloke tried to tell me how to parent my child I'd laugh in his face.

This has actually made me really angry. How can you let him treat your son like this? That poor boy.

[ThatCurlyGirl]

Thank god. Please follow through on this OP don't get talked down by him. Your first post made me so sad, your poor little boy 😔

[MrsMozartMkII]

I'm so glad he's going.

[Bookworm4]

he was an glances over at my partner before he moves/speaks
That’s your reason right there to kick him out, your 4 yr old is living in fear.

[sheshootssheimplores]

Opinions? Fucking hell OP, you’re with an abusive bastard. Thats my opinion.

[Windydaysuponus]

Ring ss/nspcc for advice - he will want access to your baby at some point unfortunately.. He needs reporting..

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

docdro.id/py03

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Fuck me dead. Echoing a PP, reading this made my blood run cold, and that rarely happens. That poor little boy. My heart breaks for him.

Get that vile piece of shit you call your OH out. Today. Believe me, one day there WILL be a knock on the door from SS, and you won't have a choice about letting him live with you, not if you want to keep your DS.

Be strong OP. Put your frightened little boy first. This excuse for a 'man' is an abuser and it's only a matter of time before he turns on the rest of you. Preying on a FOUR YEAR OLD is despicable.