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Original poster

Have I been gaslighted?

95 replies

Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 07:28

I have a civil and polite relationship with my step daughter but I wouldn’t say we have a good relationship. We both try but that’s as far as it goes. She’s 18 and comes to us six nights out of 14 including every other weekend.

One of the problems is she’s very exclusive with her dad. I understand why this is and try to stay out of the way so they can enjoy dad/daughter time. They regularly go out together and I do my own thing. Inevitably we have time where we are all in the same house together.

Yesterday she was whispering something to her dad as I walked into the room. She does this all the time and stopped as I walked in. It’s been a source of arguments between me and her dad as I’ve said it’s very rude and if she has something private to say then why doesn’t she just ask him to go into her room to discuss?

After she’d gone home I asked DH what she was whispering about the he said she wasn’t and that I made it up! I explained I heard and saw it and that he doesn’t have to tell me what she said but at least acknowledge she was whispering. He said again I was making it up.

This is just a small example of our life, am I being gaslighted?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/09/2019 07:31

Yeah he's telling you something you saw didn't happen. Sounds like gaslighting to me.

EmmiJay · 02/09/2019 07:33

He's encouraging her behaviour.

Tigerty · 02/09/2019 07:35

Yes. Your DH is trying to make you doubt yourself by saying the whispering did not happen when you know it did. Gaslighting is awful. Has he done this sort of thing before?

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 07:35

He absolutely encourages it. Quite often we’ll be sat watching tv. She’s welcome to join us at any time but doesn’t, totally normal for an 18 yr old not to want to watch the same tv as us. What is the problem is the minute I leave the room, to shower or do tea or go to bed she’ll go into the tv room and sit with her dad. I’ve told him it’s quite hurtful but he just says she doesn’t do it. It’s bizarre as obviously she does!

OP posts:
R44Me · 02/09/2019 07:35

Once she grows up a bit and has a love interest in her life I would think this scoring points over you would stop. But there is no guarantee.
But she will always be around, are you happy to accept that.

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 07:37

I know she’ll always be around and I’m resigned to the fact we’ll never have a good relationship.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 02/09/2019 07:37

Who's home are these two excluding your existence from?

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 07:41

It’s mine and my husband’s joint home.

OP posts:
R44Me · 02/09/2019 08:14

I spose it's flattering for him to have these women vying for his company.
You could speak to a solicitor and see what your situation would be if you split. If a split is feasible it gives you more power in any discussion you have with him over this. Or could you live separately? but stay married.
This would totally wind me up and it would seriously get me down.

Monty27 · 02/09/2019 08:20

Dsd is 18 she needs to learn manners.
Unless you caught them out planning a lovely surprise for you they are totally disrespectful and I'd tell them to spend time together elsewhere as you feel they shouldn't have to whisper and clearly they are uncomfortable when you're around.
in other words send them packing

AMAM8916 · 02/09/2019 08:20

Such great behaviour from an 18 year old... this is your house too OP and she isn't a child that should get allowances. She's whispering when you walk into the room, entering the room when you leave and probably making you quite paranoid. On top of that, your partner backs her up. She's 18, I would just ask her the next time she whispers what she said, catch her out. Also, the next time you leave the room and she goes in, you go back in and sit down

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 08:35

It is really getting me down. I tried to talk to him after she left last night but whenever this subject is brought up he starts getting verbally aggressive. He starts to raise his voice and I just back off.

Leaving and separating isn’t really something I want to look at yet as we haven’t been married very long. Although I do wish I’d waited before marrying him. We’d been together five years so didn’t rush into it.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 02/09/2019 08:39

I think it would be sensible to see a solicitor to get an idea of your financial options.
Then I would discuss the issue with DH and explain this behaviour is potentially fatal to the marriage.

slipperywhensparticus · 02/09/2019 08:39

Well its put up or leave isnt it personally I would go but if your prepared to accept this behaviour?

MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 08:47

I am on a totally different side on this.
To me - you sound jealous and controlling.
Don’t know how long you have been married and how long she’d been coming to the house, or what the relationship history is....

It may be a bit juvenile to whisper - but what is the big deal. What exactly do you think she is talking about - you? Secretly criticising you?
It’s equally juvenile on your side to cause a scene about it.
She just wants to have a private conversation with her dad - is all.
Same about going to tv room when you leave it. She wants alone time and grabs it when available.
While you sound possessive.

Is there a background story to why you feel this way? It’s sweet she still wants to spend time with her dad - most 18yos won’t. And she will be gone and adult soon enough.
Why are you so set on being ‘chosen’ over his child in such a public way - why the need to rub it into her face?

MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 08:51

And to all the paints saying LTB - really?
Because his daughter wants to have a bit of private moments with him and he is caught in the middle.
I feel bad for the poor man and the girl. Actually....

You married him - when the daughter was smack in the middle of being a teenager. It must have been hard for her.
It was on you, OP, to be the adult and set the tone for the interactions.
Seems that instead you chose to be competitive over him. Not sure why, as she was a child.

CarolDanvers · 02/09/2019 08:53

So you walked into a room they were already in and they stopped talking? So you're saying they should have told you immediately what they were talking about even if it was private?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 02/09/2019 08:54

MMmomDD what a load of tosh

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 02/09/2019 09:00

Why is she coming to you those fixed days/nights at age eighteen?

I would disengage a bit and let them get on with it. Whatever it is you are feeding it so stop giving a rap about it. She will leave home soon surely and it will all be less of an issue I imagine. Give yourself the give of not giving a shit!

slipperywhensparticus · 02/09/2019 09:00

I dont think the op sounds possessive at all she comes to see her dad 6 nights out of 14 and treats her like she shouldn't be around whispering and excluding her in her own home and he encourages it!

when I went to my dads house as an adult when he had his new wife (who was the other woman so I should have hated her really) I went out of my way to be nice I used to cook meals for them make cups of tea walk their dogs even dog sit so they could have a holiday if I had tried this my dad would have called me on it and if I wanted a private conversation with dad I went to his place of work to chat I would never have whispered about it its rude

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 09:23

I’m not surprised by your attitude @MMmomDD it’s very typical of the attitude towards step mums on mumsnet. That said,
It’s totally unfair and incredibly biased. I should feel comfortable in my own home with my husband. I’ve said they have loads of time alone, have ample opportunity for private chats. I’m not interested in what she’s whispering to him, I just wish she wouldn’t whisper when I’m around.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 09:32

OP said
‘Yesterday she was whispering something to her dad as I walked into the room.’.....

Girl and her dad were in the room without the OP being present.
Clearly girl likes to whisper to her dad. And it’s not ALL about OP.

One of my daughters likes whispering to my ears. It’s our thing, we both like it. Feels nice and close.
If I had a new partner who decided to have an opinion about it - and made arguments - I’d consider that unreasonable.
An adult partner shouldn’t compete with a child.

It does sound like OP is insecure somehow. Not sure why.

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 09:34

I am not insecure in the slightest and I’m not sure why you’re writing about me and not to me? Strange tense.

As I said, I don’t care what she was saying, but whispering is rude when it’s used as a tool to exclude.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 09:40

OP - think about your H too.
You are putting him in the middle and making it hard for him.
It is your problem that her whispering is bothering you.
You are the ADULT and it’s really so minor in the infractions a teenager can do...

It’s not about being unbiased to a step-parent. You are behaving in a typical and possessive way - like a caricature of one. Sorry to say.
You married a man with a daughter. And it’s so great he has a close relationship with her.
You seem to have opinions of how much interactions he needs to have and how they need to be. And I am sorry - it sounds a bit selfish.

You haven’t said anything about the history of their divorce. Or about how his relationship with a daughter has developed then and now.
It’s all relevant.
Why can’t you just let them talk the way they like to???

MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 09:43

Op - didn’t mean to sound strange -
Previous message was a response to @slipperywhensparticus

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