Have I been gaslighted?

[Myfeetarekillingme]

I have a civil and polite relationship with my step daughter but I wouldn’t say we have a good relationship. We both try but that’s as far as it goes. She’s 18 and comes to us six nights out of 14 including every other weekend.

One of the problems is she’s very exclusive with her dad. I understand why this is and try to stay out of the way so they can enjoy dad/daughter time. They regularly go out together and I do my own thing. Inevitably we have time where we are all in the same house together.

Yesterday she was whispering something to her dad as I walked into the room. She does this all the time and stopped as I walked in. It’s been a source of arguments between me and her dad as I’ve said it’s very rude and if she has something private to say then why doesn’t she just ask him to go into her room to discuss?

After she’d gone home I asked DH what she was whispering about the he said she wasn’t and that I made it up! I explained I heard and saw it and that he doesn’t have to tell me what she said but at least acknowledge she was whispering. He said again I was making it up.

This is just a small example of our life, am I being gaslighted?

He has as much time with his daughter as they choose. I have and would never stop this. They regularly go off together for the day, by regular I mean most of the weekends she’s in his care. His divorce was nothing to do with me, I wasn’t around. There were no third parties involved.

I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I’m not a possessive step mum trying to stop him seeing her. I just want respect in my own home and that means not whispering or excluding.

If I was to whisper to him in her company would you think that was fair?

Whispering is rude full stop. I don’t think the whispering is the full problem here, I think it’s the fact that husband is denying that it happened when it clearly had. She’s 18 not 8 and should have manners. Her dads attitude would anger me more as he’s showing a huge lack of respect to his wife and is gaslighting her. Not ok.

Thank you @Ogham for bringing it back to the original question.

She’s 18! I thought you were going to say 13! That’s how she’s acting and that contact schedule is for a child surely? She’s now an adult. What is she doing in her life? Working? Uni? I think you need a serious discussion with your husband about terminating the contact arrangements now. She should now be treated like an adult. I don’t have set arrangements to stay at my mothers house! You now need a new plan. She’s being very rude in your own home. I’d suggest if he won’t engage in an adult fashion to go see a counsellor together. If that doesn’t work then go live somewhere else until his living arrangements have become normal.

Read what you just wrote OP. “Weekends she’s in his care” she’s 18!! My niece is the same age and is at university and doesn’t go be in her dads “care” for weekends! I’m sorry but in my opinion that’s not normal. She is now an official adult. She can drink, drive, get married. You need to spell that out to your husband. She’s no longer in his care. She’s an adult!! Time to move on and organise a more grown up schedule.

So - OP a when you said you have tried to have a good relationship with the daughter - what did you mean by that?

If whispering is the only issue between you two - have you tried talking to her about it?
If she has been coming to your house and spending days there for years - have you ever had a chat with her about it?
When she was younger, maybe?

Do you have children of your own? Have you been around other teenagers? Because it sounds like you are making a big deal of a behaviour that is pretty minor.

Is there another reason you are unhappy?

Her brother is 20 and still sticks to a contact arrangement.

I’m from a different background and personally feel it’s a bit odd but won’t be the one to try and stop this. It’s their choice to spend time together and as a step mum it’s not my place to interfere. I just expect manners in my home. The boy’s behaviour is more worrying as he’s a real baby but that’s another thread.

My vows were important and whilst I really wish I’d waited longer, the fact I didn’t and I married him mean I won’t throw it away this early.

That’s why I’m asking about gaslighting.
I fear his behaviour is becoming increasingly abusive.

I'm with you OP, this is very rude behaviour and pretty odd for an 18 yo to be like this. DH is also gas lighting you.

What are her personal circumstances? Is she off to uni/moving into her own place/travelling etc soon? I'm wondering whether it's worth rocking the boat too much is if she's going to start being away more and more and this becomes less of an issue?

WRT your husband, he sounds extremely frustrating. I don't really know how you can handle it tbh, if he doesn't react reasonably when you speak to him. Do you do stuff for them? Eg cooking, washing, buying stuff etc? Could you stop all that until they learn to treat you with respect?

Your DP's children are strange to want to stick to the contact agreement.

Why not, when you walk in and she stops talking, say: "oh don't stop your conversation on my account" or "what have I missed" rather than pretending not to be bothered then giving DH grief later on?

@MMmomDD the whispering is not the only problem, I thought I’d said that?

She is a very typical 18 year old, with very typical teen age attitude. This is challenging for mums, never mind step mums. I let a lot go, I turn a blind eye a lot.

I tried for years, I tried being a friend, I tried stepping away, I tried special times together, thoughtful touches, all sorts, all to be met by rolled eyes, silent treatment, laughing at me, generally unpleasant. Now I am totally beige, I am polite, I make sure she’s comfortable and fed well, but I do not engage.

You’ve got a HUGE Dh problem.

Whispering is rude - call her out on it

You don’t have to put up with people being rude to you in your own home.

She’s an adult now, she doesn’t NEED to do the contact thing so unless she’s prepared to be polite and adult about how she behaves, perhaps she ought to think about securing her own accommodation where she can be as rude as she likes and no one will be affected

You need to examine other parts of your marriage and whether this type of behaviour is common in the rest of your relationship. If it is I would,be having serious doubts about staying with him.

If you are otherwise happy and honest with each other then I would just ignore the whole stepdaughter/dad thing. She is clearly scoring points of you, is jealous of your relationship with her dad and is not prepared at the moment to come out of her selfish teen behaviour. Your DH is encouraging going her because he feels flattered by her attention and guilt at putting her in the middle of a divorce with subsequent hurt.

Don't react, don't question DH. He is gaslighting you because you are questioning his relationship with his DD and are clearly jealous of it. You are making things unpleasant so he's doing what many people do and lying to you.

So back off. Don't react. Ignore the whole charade. Be elsewhere if possible when she visits.

Bigger worry is he got aggressive with you for daring to ask for respect (yes, you were asking a question, but also, for respect).

I'm sorry but it being a new marriage is bit a reason to stay and see if it pans out. A man who us aggressive with you now will be aggressive with you later, it will not get any better, it will get worse.

And yes, flat out lying to you about what just happened right in front if your face, is gaslighting too.

Like pp said, id be sorting out my finances to make leaving easier. Make sure you have money going into your own account, not a joint one. Know you aren't ready yet to give up in the marriage but no harm in protecting yourself financially just incase.

Yellowpaper said it better then me...

OP, I think throwing around words like ‘abuse’ isn’t helpful here.
Are you hoping you can convince him to change? I think you realise that won’t happen.
He has his way of interaction with his children that has set in.
And cultural background differences must come into it.

Only thing you can control is what you do. Hope and wait for the change when the kids start their own relationships. Or leave.
As it is - you seem to only be making yourself more unhappy.
Life is too short.

Just ignore it. Or leave

@MMmomDD I don't mean to keep responding to only your comments, but have you any experience of step parenting? Do you have any experience of marital breakdown? It isn't as easy as just leaving? I made marriage vows. If he continues to increase his abusive behaviour I will possibly leave the marriage, but I won't walk out because he has a badly behaved daughter. I have disengaged, they spend a lot of time together without me, I'm happy to be secure enough to not let this bother me. As for ignoring it, that's a lot easier said than done when this is my home and she's here, with her behaviour, quite regularly.

Culturally we have the same background, so that doesn't apply here.

Step daughter has no plans to go to Uni, she's struggled through a vocational course since leaving school. She is now working part-time as a cleaner. I don't think she'll be supporting herself anytime soon.

Thanks for the advice on being financially independent. I am squirrelling away a bit of my salary every month and have a cushion in case I need it.

It's funny, my friend moved house at the weekend into a delightful cottage. I was so envious. I dreamed of living in a tiny cottage on my own, supporting myself with no one to answer to and no badly behaved step children. Not good to dream of this so early in my marriage!

If you weren't married would you be so tempted to stay? Seriously think about this. Separation is so much easier to do nowadays. Maybe a trial separation may make dh take you more seriously?

I find the amount of contact odd tbh.

No, not happy about this.
The dd is 18, an adult woman. She needs to back off. She doesn't need to 'grow up a bit', she's already grown.
The husband needs to realise that is what he is - a husband. His 'adult' relationship is with the woman he married. Whisperings and secrets are for her, not for his daughter.
OP, as suggested above, check your legal and financial position and then talk to the husband.
You aren't in competition with the daughter and you shouldn't be made to feel second-class in your own home. If he can't behave appropriately, you need to think about what to do next.

Aha! I'd missed page 2. Sorry about that. Glad you're making plans.

Yes my ds2 is 19 and no way would he behave like this.

Does she have friends?

A little cottage by yourself sounds lovely Feet. Blissful. Nobody to answer to and no vile stepdaughter. Keep that image in mind and keep squirrelling away cash in case you need to make a swift exit from your marriage.

FUCK THAT OP... She's 18,she's not a baby... I wouldn't be waiting until she leaves to call out your DH, I'd be demanding she apologise for her ignorance and rudeness right there on the spot, but there again, wouldn't tolerate that kind of behaviour from anyone in my own home.

Is she particularly immature? I can't imagine any of the 18 year olds I know faithfully sticking to visiting rights with their Fathers!

They all just breeze by when they want to! Or arrange a dinner out or something.

Does she live close by with her Mother or something? Doesn't she mind leaving all her friends and her ordinary life to go to yours 6 nights?

Also...what's GOOD about your husband? All this is terribly rude and thoughtless of him.

What are his good points?

Well, in fact - yes to both.
Had a step parent myself. Many other step parents in my family - aunties and aunts, not with cousins.
And have gone through a marriage breakdown, with children involved.
That’s why I am saying that you appear to be what you are. And you can’t see yourself form a distance.

You mentioned different backgrounds with your H. I assume cultural - but it must be economical then. But it doesn’t matter.
You have only been married to him for 5 years and there are no children, so separating isn’t as hard as in a case of a long marriage with children.

You may think his relationship with his grown children is too close and they are too dependent on him. However - it’s his business.
And for one - I am happy he hasn’t pushed his kids away because his new partner wants to be his priority.
I have seen some men do that and it causes so much pain - often to grown children and then grand children.

You came here to vent and hoping for people to agree with you that he is all wrong.
He may be a little. But you are also making it worse for you and him.
You want to win in a tug of war with his daughter. And it’s as typical of the situation as it is futile.