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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been gaslighted?

95 replies

Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 07:28

I have a civil and polite relationship with my step daughter but I wouldn’t say we have a good relationship. We both try but that’s as far as it goes. She’s 18 and comes to us six nights out of 14 including every other weekend.

One of the problems is she’s very exclusive with her dad. I understand why this is and try to stay out of the way so they can enjoy dad/daughter time. They regularly go out together and I do my own thing. Inevitably we have time where we are all in the same house together.

Yesterday she was whispering something to her dad as I walked into the room. She does this all the time and stopped as I walked in. It’s been a source of arguments between me and her dad as I’ve said it’s very rude and if she has something private to say then why doesn’t she just ask him to go into her room to discuss?

After she’d gone home I asked DH what she was whispering about the he said she wasn’t and that I made it up! I explained I heard and saw it and that he doesn’t have to tell me what she said but at least acknowledge she was whispering. He said again I was making it up.

This is just a small example of our life, am I being gaslighted?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 11:21

And OP - you don’t need to label him an abuser to justify being unhappy or leaving.
Nothing you said here justifies calling him abusive.

CuriousMama · 02/09/2019 11:21

MM I think it's you who is looking to win. Not happening. Why don't you leave this thread you're not helping.

CuriousMama · 02/09/2019 11:22

I actually find you very goady MM. Wonder why?

CuriousMama · 02/09/2019 11:24

Op I have a dsd. Met dh when she was 20. Never had a problem at all. She's given me lovely grandchildren. Dh wouldn't dream of carrying on like this.

ColaFreezePop · 02/09/2019 11:27

Loads wrong here.

Your husband needs to tell his children to say in advance when they want to come over and not stick to any contact arrangements as they are adults. How far in advance you and your husband need to agree especially if one of you is cooking a meal. If they go on to have partners and children it will be completely unreasonable for them to come as per contact arrangements.

Also challenge the whispering with the SD directly when it happens as a PP said say stuff like "No need to whisper on account of me"

Personally I think you have a husband problem rather than a SC problem. Children will behave as expected. Ensuring they both stick to the contact arrangements and allowing the SD's behaviour he seems to want to control them.

Frankola · 02/09/2019 11:31

She sounds like she is encouraging the issues between you and your h to be honest.

It also sounds like your h is Disney parenting and will become aggressive when defending his daughter,no matter what.

It isn't a nice position to be in op, especially in your own home.

However, you'll get a load of posts on here saying you should just put up with it because his relationship with his daughter is far superior to yours and you should just be grateful.

That isn't the case. What you should actually do is sit them both down and say enough is enough.. you deserve to be treated better than a second class citizen in your own home.

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 02/09/2019 11:41

Thanks all, some really good points.
@MMmomDD you’re just being goady so I’m not responding to you anymore.

Definitely a DH problem, that’s my concern. He’s unable to discuss anything remotely contentious without raising his voice.

Step daughter is not my concern, I don’t like what she does or how she acts but she’s not my daughter or my problem. I just expect some respect in my own home. Which is where DH should step in. It’s not a competition of priority, it’s a simple case of being respectful to those around you. I’ve learned to disengage with her after years of trying.

DH is text book, he’s just told me I have mental problems and that SD treats me well, whilst still denying her whispering. He doesn’t like the friend I saw at the weekend and said she makes me like this! He should be in a laboratory.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 02/09/2019 11:44

Her behaviour is rude and childish but yeah the main issue here is your husband's refusal to accept that she's doing it and his aggressive response to you.

Staying with someone just because you haven't been married long is ludicrous really. I know someone whose marriage lasted a matter of months. She's since remarried and had children with a really lovely guy, if she'd have stuck with her first husband because she was worried about what other people thought then she may have missed out on that.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/09/2019 11:45

I think you should make plans to split.They are excluding you which is awful,noone should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.Also you said you're reluctant to end the marriage as you haven't been married long not because you love your husband unconditionally.I hope you come back with an update in your favour,lifes too short

CuriousMama · 02/09/2019 11:45

So sorry to hear your update OP. Keep posting for support.

It's a shame there isn't a block a poster option on here Grin

Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 11:45

With all due respect op, you say he is textbook and should be in a lab...and yet even though you know this-you're staying!?!?!

Come on now, he is aggressive, gaslights, doesn't like your friends (support system) and calls you 'mental'. You know it's time to go right? No more excuses!

MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuriousMama · 02/09/2019 11:53

I've reported you now MM. You are being a goady fucker. No doubt nothing will be done. Get back to aibu as sounds as if you think you're on it now.

MMmomDD · 02/09/2019 11:58

MN at its best.

OP comes in with a vent. Gets mostly supportive opinions.
Then someone comes in with a different perspective.
In a direct, but respectful manner.
Gets called names and then reported. And not even by the OP.
Interesting

dottiedodah · 02/09/2019 12:07

YANBU at all here as far as I can see.The girl is 18 FFS .She has known you for 5 years now, and really needs to grow up!.A friend had a similar situation where she felt totally left out and marginalised .When she has gone home ,speak to your DH and tell him how you feel.Also ask him what he would have to say if you had a son and did the same thing!.Men are just incredibly silly about their daughters sometimes. Maybe he feels guilty that he and her Mother split up ?.Or maybe just wants to be Disney Dad .Hopefully she will find a BF of her own soon .

Tonnerre · 02/09/2019 12:12

It may be extreme, but have you tried filming/recording to show that what your husband denies is very real?

I'd be tempted to call her out on this in a PA way, e.g. "SD, I have no problem with you talking to your dad whenever you want, but has no-one ever told you that whispering is rude?" Or spend an evening going back into the TV room as soon as she's gone in, and every time she goes to leave say "No need to leave, SD, I'm very happy for you to stay" - or go in for the tinkly laugh and say "Goodness me, this is like one of those weather houses, every time I come out you go in, every time I go in you leave."

BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 12:14

He doesn’t like the friend I saw at the weekend and said she makes me like this

Then I would suggest having this Friend round at every opportunity OP. Grin

AzraiL · 02/09/2019 12:22

Agree with bumblebee. Claim your space in the house and make your presence known. Invite your friends around for a cuppa often, especially when SD is there. Play card games, laugh loudly, play music, walk around the house.

Lillygolightly · 02/09/2019 12:25

Hey OP

The situation is an unpleasant one and of course it is terrible to feel excluded in your own home. No ones behaviour here is perfect but to put it in clear cut terms your DH is your husband it’s his home and he isn’t going anywhere, your SD is 18 is your husband daughter and always will be, so she’s not going anywhere either.

So what do we do? Ask DH to modify he behaviour with SD and to call SD on her rude antics, talk to SD and ask her to change her behaviour and be more inclusive. What is this going to achieve? Probably nothing except make DH resentful especially if he is in denial regarding his DD behaviour, give SD the satisfaction of knowing that what does makes you uncomfortable therefore having the desired effect and possibly even switch tactics and just do something else less obvious but still making you feel excluded and uncomfortable. All that’s probably going to happen here is that you will end up looking unreasonable, controlling and insecure. It’s going to end up driving you mad and rather than being a minor annoyance will become a big issue and bone of contention. Don’t let it do this to you Flowers

My suggestion: SD is at an age where she is growing up becoming a proper adult and no longer daddy’s little girl. This alone may be the reason for the behaviour and it may actually have little to do with you at all. I would stop reacting to any of this rude/excluding behaviour and stop letting it bother you, ignore ignore ignore don’t even mention to your DH!!!. Keep things polite and civil because your the adult here and simply wait for SD to become an adult herself and grow out of whatever this is, which can’t be to far off given that she’s 18 already.

Rise above OP, if you want to stay with your DH (and I’m not sure that you should especially if there are other things that make you unhappy) either she will eventually grow up and grow out if it, or she won’t, either way she won’t get a rise out of you.

Ogham · 02/09/2019 12:30

He is gaslighting you which is abusive. It also concerns me that he doesn’t like your friend and is blaming her, is he trying to isolate you? You really need to think about what is more important- staying in a marriage (purely because you made vows) or being happy? He has no respect for how you feel. To be honest the whole set up with the kids sounds extremely weird. I like Tonnerre’s suggestions Wink

TowelNumber42 · 02/09/2019 12:34

Have you had a chat with the ex about why she divorced him?

Sounds like he is not a good husband to you.

What do you when you have an ordinary disagreement not involving the children? Like over whether to buy something, what to watch on TV, your mates he doesn't like, someone slacking on housework, etc? Does he get shouty immediately on those issues? If so, how do you ever resolve so you get your way and everyone's OK with that? Does it mean he always gets what he wants because it isn't worth the hassle to you? Has it ramped up since you married?

LazyLizzy · 02/09/2019 12:46

The issue with SD is irritating but it's not a huge problem in itself.

The issue with 'D'H is that he is a twat. He gaslights you, gets aggressive, says you are mental. Has issues with your friends.

What the fuck do you see in him?

I ended a marriage after 12 months. Best thing I ever did.
My exH was 'Mr Wonderful' to everybody else so they thought I was crackers for kicking him out. I used to laugh and say you live with the fucker then.

TixieLix · 02/09/2019 12:47

I think you are being unnecessarily goady too MM. In your first post you managed to label the OP jealous, controlling, possessive, juvenile and in competition with the SD. All she wants is for the SD to stop the obvious whispering (that halts when she enters the room) and for her H to stop gaslighting her. This is the second thread I've read today where the OP's step child has questionable behaviour, and a bio parent (their DH) who denies/refuses to address it. Very sad that these bio parents are willing to let their offspring get away with poor behaviour and have no respect for the person they have married.

Bouledeneige · 02/09/2019 13:28

I have a friend who is a Step mum and has a similar problem with a very immature and possessive 18 yr old girl. The girl has a lot of issues and a childhood tragedy. Her Dad couldnt really see her behaviour as he didn't want to. He has gradually come to realise that her behaviour is not okay and not allowed himself to be used by his DD though he loves her very much.

Because of his guilt about her childhood it was very hard for him not to over-indulge her and see her behaviour - that's probably your DHs problem. But he needs to hear you and respect what you say.

She does sound childish - whispering etc - and as an 18 yr old I'm sure she is aware of what she's doing. I agree with others that it's odd to continue with rigid contact arrangements at that age. Who wants to be subjected to her behaviour in their own home? (Though having brought up two teens I can safely say that there's has been quite a lot of disparaging behaviour and I have had to learn to ignore, bite my tongue and choose my battles). She ought to have out-grown that stage by now but your DH is playing his part in not expecting more adult conduct.

You need to talk and he needs to be able to hear you without the defensive/aggressive response.

SavingSpaces2019 · 02/09/2019 14:02

Definitely a DH problem, that’s my concern. He’s unable to discuss anything remotely contentious without raising his voice.....DH is text book, he’s just told me I have mental problems and that SD treats me well, whilst still denying her whispering. He doesn’t like the friend I saw at the weekend and said she makes me like this! He should be in a laboratory

You chose to marry him knowing his attitude.
You still choose to stay with him despite his abusive behaviour.

What are you waiting for?
Permission to leave him?