Have I been gaslighted?

[Myfeetarekillingme]

I have a civil and polite relationship with my step daughter but I wouldn’t say we have a good relationship. We both try but that’s as far as it goes. She’s 18 and comes to us six nights out of 14 including every other weekend.

One of the problems is she’s very exclusive with her dad. I understand why this is and try to stay out of the way so they can enjoy dad/daughter time. They regularly go out together and I do my own thing. Inevitably we have time where we are all in the same house together.

Yesterday she was whispering something to her dad as I walked into the room. She does this all the time and stopped as I walked in. It’s been a source of arguments between me and her dad as I’ve said it’s very rude and if she has something private to say then why doesn’t she just ask him to go into her room to discuss?

After she’d gone home I asked DH what she was whispering about the he said she wasn’t and that I made it up! I explained I heard and saw it and that he doesn’t have to tell me what she said but at least acknowledge she was whispering. He said again I was making it up.

This is just a small example of our life, am I being gaslighted?

Have you posted about this before op? Your take sounds familiar. Ignore posters who have immediately branded you jealous or possessive. Your issue is not that your SD is whispering and childishly stopping when you walk in. That of course is totally shitty behaviour and belongs in the playground with the other 6 year olds. Your issue is that your husband refuses to acknowledge that this behaviour exists and therefore is upsetting you. So yes. He is gaslighting you and him raising his voice to shut you down is completely unacceptable. Your sd's behaviour cannot be tackled until he acknowledges that she has behaviour that needs tackling.

This doesn't leave many options. So I would make it clear that you know what you saw. Calmly and without emotion. And make it clear that YOUR HUSBAND is the cause of the problem.

I'd probably do it by sitting the pair of them down and just coming out with it, but I don't mind confrontation when it's necessary.

You know your own truth.

You husband is abusive and he is using his daughter to do this too.
He could put a stop to it easily but he’s choosing not too.
God help her when she gets a boyfriend.
He should have your back. He’s nasty.

I haven’t posted before on this subject, but have with other step child issues.

I’m not waiting for permission to leave, I could leave but whilst I’ve painted DH’s bad points here, he does have some good ones too. We rarely fall out but when we do he always gets shouty. We usually only fall out over the step kids, in almost everything else we’re fine. I know I married him and I know I knew he had kids. I had reservations because of this and wish very much I’d waited. He’s far from perfect but who is? I’m worried about this most recent incident, it feels like it’s getting worse.

Is SD likely to be moving on to university soon? That might solve the problem on its own.

Sadly not, no Uni plans.

Do most kids go to Uni now? Both step kids decided not to despite their friends mostly going.

You keep writing that you wish you had waited longer to get married. I am a little confused. What would that have changed?

I think a little bit of jealousy of a new partner is quite common from step daughters but this seems on a whole different level as dh seems to encourage or enable excluding you. I agree that time alone between a daughter and father is important, even at 18 ...but not all the time. If she is there 6 days out of 14 and every other weekend , that is almost half the time and you should not be feeling excluded in your own home for extended periods of time. You need to put your foot down in a reasonable way op. For example say that the sd and dh can go out together for a meal one of the nights she is there or sometimes the Saturday she is there. At all other times you expect to be included in activities and conversations. She can use that time for any private conversations she wants ...but definitely not when you are around. It is definitely up to your husband to support you in this and refuse to engage in private conversations while you are around.

Support from DH is the key and what is missing. I don’t actually blame SD, she’s not the fully grown adult yet, but DH should be.

@TowelNumber42 I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known he’d turn out like this, terrible admission, but easier to walk away before marriage.

I suspect he was only ever going to show his true colours after you married, not before. It is quite common. He knows it is hard for you to leave so now he can relax and stop putting so much effort into hiding his true nature.

How long do you feel you have to tolerate it before you undo the marriage?

If she is a cleaner and not going to uni how is she every going to fund her life which includes moving out and away from the family home.
Likewise her DB. They could be around forever - on the other hand she might meet her dream boyfriend and move in with him next week.
I don't think squirrelling away money will buy a cottage unless you have a high wage. Get more motivated and work out what you need to do to have the choice of stay or go. You can always stay if the situation changes.

I don’t know how either of my step kids will ever be able to move out, I fear I’ll be stuck with them for a long time yet. My dream is the cottage it’s not a reality, I have a boy squirrelled away but need a lot more. It’s not unbearable but I’d love to have an affordable plan. I’m late 40s so can’t really run away and make a new life.

A bit squirrelled not a boy! Lol!

It sounds like you are unable to relax in your own home half your life, can't sort out anything really tricky with DH without proper aggressive gaslighting, kids are going to be around for ever. That's a big proportion of your life to be a second class citizen in your own space having to be beige. Daughter is pretty rubbish, but it's a pretty crap age for that kind of stuff. DH is another matter altogether. Gaslighting is a dead end for love. I would get all your ducks in a row financially. Make your plans then have sincere and assertive but calm attempts to discuss the problem with DH. I would make it quite formal, book in the time. I have been a step sister, mother and daughter myself as well as having a new husband who is a stepfather to my kids. Seen the lot. Gaslighting is lethal, and if you know in your gut something isn't right, listen to that instinct, and don't let yourself be bullied into beigeness. Good luck with it all.

Oh and I love AzraiL's suggestion about having your friends over and being assertive over your use of the house. Be empowering for you and a good test for DH. I would bet money that he doesn't like it.

They regularly go off together for the day, by regular I mean most of the weekends she’s in his care.

At 18 she's not in anbody's care. She's an adult. It's worrying your 'D'H responds to your concerns by shouting and shutting you down and says you have mental problems. Sounds very emotionally abusive.

I wonder op if you could really make a concerted effort to build a positive relationship with your step daughter. Open up to her and tell her a little of how you’re feeling and arrange for just you two to spend time together. Also allow her time with just her dad it’s so important.
She is 18 but you have every day with her dad and she only has a fraction of that.
I think it she feels like she can trust you, you might be allowed into her secret conversations. Also if the whispering happens again I’d say “oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise you were chatting I’ll let you finish” and not In a way that could be taken as being huffy or childish

Yes definitely is!

I agree with talking to her. Tell her how you're feeling in a non judgemental and delicate way, maybe ask her if she has any problems. She may open up, or may realise how she's behaving. But I don't think you're going to be able to get anywhere without trying.

You would not believe how hard and long I tried to build a relationship with her. I tried lots of different ways, from friendship, auntie type figure, teacher, confidante, everything I could think of. Nothing worked. I’ve not got the passion for any of it to try again.

I got that from your earlier posts. You've done your time and being polite is about the best you can be at this stage. It's DH that isn't covering himself in glory here. She's just at that that sometimes rather vile age with probably a bit to much power in the household whose happy to keep things exactly as they are as her Dad is happy with the status quo as well. Neither of them are treating you with respect. Do you go off for the day with him regularly when she isn't there? Does he talk about what they've done together? Is she getting more of his time and effort than you? It should at least be equivalent and you should feel valued and loved by him whether she is there or not.