Is my husband asking too much?

[OEJ1979]

Following on from @needsdistracting and advice for me to set up my own thread...

My sister sent me this link this morning and I have debated posting.
This is exactly what I’m going through...just a little worse and I’m lost in what to do.
After a holiday back in October my husband asked me to loose some weight as I had put a bit on. I obliged (without the knowledge he had taken a photo of me incase I protested). Come January he came to me with issues making him unhappy. My appearance (what I wore and still my weight even though I’d lost 5 kilos), our sex life (it was good but I’m a traditional girl and don’t do oral and ‘weird’ positions which he wants) and the tension with my family (he has never got well with them). I sought counselling as I thought it was me with the problems. I’m emotionless as I don’t shower him with kisses and hugs and give him what he desires and deserves. I worked hard and was looking fab...six pack getting there. Wearing the pretty clothes he likes and bedroom life was great (still no oral though). My family is like banging my head against a wall. They are them. I can’t change them and I can’t make them love him! He thinks they should worship the ground he walks on as I’ve had a wonderful life.
Over then following three months he became nasty. Spiteful comments almost daily about what I eating, wearing what exercise I did. Digs at my family about what they say and how they look...they aren’t super models!
Things really changed one day when he told me that our children (girl, 13 and boy 9) thought I was fat. I was horrified, I’m 5ft2 and 55kg. Not fat! His constant comments about my appearance have resulted in our children being brainwashed. He then told me that if he didn’t get what he wanted in bedroom it could be a deal breaker. He has done other things and said other things that I can’t bring myself to type. However he has wanted to take me away, go out on dates ect and asked continuously over the past year. Our children have had things going on and I’ve said no. I want to here for them. He wants an au pair so we can do what we want when we want. I’ve said no.
He has always been romantic, always told me I’m beautiful and made me feel truly loved. I assumed he respected the way I am in bedroom as even though he has complained endlessly when things haven’t changed he’s never been nasty. Until now.
This has now pushed me to a point I didn’t know I had. I went back to the counsellor and found started to find a voice. Realise this isn’t acceptable. This result is that he is now having to decide if he wants me still because I’ve said no more. Take me as I am or not. It’s all be twisted again so I’m the one believing this messed up situation is my fault.

I sympathise so much with you. I have no idea what to do. We shouldn’t have to accept this behaviour, ever.
But for me do I just do what he wants to keep our family together or say no. I can’t live wondering every day if I’m keeping him happy. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how men treat women. Nor do I want my son to think this is how to treat women.
I hope it works out for you
From a very confused mum.

Does your sister know

Yes he is asking too much and is abusive

Yes she does @quartz2208.

She is being very supportive.

You should leave him

You are fundamentally unsuited. I would never accept a partner who wouldn't give me oral. Continually turning him down for date nights is basically you saying "I don't prioritise our relationship."

That said, there is no excuse for his comments about your weight.

I think you need to give serious thought to separate.

He is a controlling bully at best and at worst a narcissist. Talking from experience I highly recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that?’ I’m not one for self help books but this one opened my eyes and transformed me for the better. None of this behaviour is acceptable. Please believe that.

I honestly think you'd be doing your kids a favour if you split up. Not to mention yourself.

There's a nasty side to him isn't there. Taking a pic of you...ready to fat shame. Telling you the kids think you're fat. Wanting your family to worship him.

Then it seems you're sexually incompatible. I presume you had sex before marriage? If so...he knew oral wasn't your thing. So why did he marry you?

If you weren't sexual before marriage and he had no way of knowing you aren't into giving oral...then perhaps plain sex is a dealbreaker for him.

With all that he seems to be trying with suggesting date nights...but you don't seem keen.

He suggests an au pair and you rebuff it. Maybe you just aren't interested in him romantically and his behaviour has worn you down and put you off him.

Maybe separating coparenting is something to consider.

I think you’re as bad as each other. You’re just not compatible. You say he’s romantic, wants hugs and kisses, wants dates and to take you away. Has offered to get an au pair so you have more time for each other. Wants to have a good sex life. And you’re not the slightest bit interested. Now he’s insulting your appearance. That’s not right either but I can understand his frustration. You are honestly better off apart

Did the au pair suggestion come after the weight insults? Because if so, I think I'd have declined the offer too. It's like constantly being told you're not sexy enough but offering a way for you to become what he now wants, not what you want. I'd find that deeply unsexy in itself.

he is now having to decide if he wants me still

Hang on... why is it him doing the deciding?

Think there are separate issues here.

1. him asking you to lose weight - when what you’ve said indicates you don’t need to at all. Taking a photo to fat shame you - not on. Saying the kids think you are fat - not on.

2. the romantic stuff. Did you say no to date nights and going away after he turned nasty or before? As for doing what you want when you want - surely that still is to fit around the children? Do you work? How would they feel if their parents were away lots?

3. sex life - well for most of us that can change after children but if it was always like this and he knew before you married then it isn’t like it should be a surprise. Plus telling you that you are fat and being nasty isn’t going to make you feel comfortable trying new things.

4. your family. Are they nasty to him? How long have you been together? Has it always been tricky? Lots of people don’t get on with their in laws but can be adult about it and be civil etc and do what is needed to things tick along.

He seems very two faced. Being nasty and critical and controlling on the one side and loving and romantic on the other. Do you ever know which “him” you are getting?

It sounds like you’ve already checked out of and he’s in the process of checking out of your relationship. You reject him and he’s mean to you and 💥 you’re stuck in this race to the bottom.

Resentment is corrosive and this toxic impasse is not going to be resolved until both of you decide to stop finger pointing and start looking in the mirror.

He seems very two faced. Being nasty and critical and controlling on the one side and loving and romantic on the other. Do you ever know which “him” you are getting?

I think that the romantic side has been eroded by rejection and the resulting resentment, is fuelling the nastiness. No excuse but resentment is corrosive.

Resentment is corrosive and this toxic impasse is not going to be resolved until both of you decide to stop finger pointing and start looking in the mirror.

Agree with this. You’ve mentioned counselling could this be something you try together? Why did you feel the need to see a counsellor?

@KatzP thank you
On your points.

1. the whole weight issue is not on. I know that he doesn’t!

2. we used to go out a lot and go away at least 1-2 times a year. Last year there was a lot of things with the kids and I wanted to be there for them. Then he started being mean so I didn’t want to go out or away.

3. we’ve been together 21 years. I had a number of issues before we got married which caused a lot of problems in sex. Then kids totally destroyed me. But in reality he knew what I was like. Just thought he could change me.

4. my family aren’t nasty to him. He just doesn’t really get their sense of humour or have anything in common with them bar me and the kids.

And no I never know which one of him I’m getting!

I tried the first set of counselling as I thought I was the problem. Why could I not give him what he wanted?
Why were my family such an issue?

We did a couple of session together. He didn’t like it as they were digging into him more than me and now won’t go as he feels I’m being told all the wrong things!

Oral kept coming up in that story enough that I think there's something in it. Separate to all the other stuff, expecting oral is not asking too much sexually at least

Busybarbara yes it is in the sense that if you go into a cafe and get told there are ham and cheese sandwiches is that ok and you say yes it’s fine. Then you sit down and say you want a tuna sandwich. But we don’t serve them. But I want a tuna sandwich. We dont have them. And then I am not going anywhere until you serve a tuna sandwich. Many cafes may serve it but that isn’t the point. If you go into one that doesn’t you honour the menu there. You either accept it or you don’t

I don’t understand all the pp jumping on you, OP. He’s getting your kids to tell you you’re fat? He seems not to like them or prioritise them and he’s getting them be rude and abusive to you.

Is he pressuring you for sex when you’re just not into it?

@Cherrysoup no he never forces it. He sometimes moans when I say I don’t fancy it but in reality until recently it was 2/3 times a week...he just wants more than what I feel comfortable with.

Does he have no ounces of fat on him and toned abs? I suspect not. Start criticizing his weight. And when he sulks about it, ask him how he likes it.

He’s being abusive and doesn’t care to stop being abusive, it’s time to free yourself from this toxic environment.

OEJ1979

Nutshell version; Belittling you is not love.

There is not one excuse for any of it, all of the things you do together have nothing to do with love if he is bullying you and telling you that you are not good enough.

Several would snappily say that it is midlife crisis. Yes, but not because of YOU!!!

He is being mean, and that, that, that,....
Suffice to say... there is just not one iota of space or time for spouses to treat each other like that, ever.

I do know that oftentimes, it is a question of education and experiences in upbringing. There is no school for marriage or parenthood, and we all come to the table of life with whatever was in our pockets upon buying the tickets.

He needs to be sat in a corner and receive a good talking to, straight, black and white, and tell HIM to decide right now if he is mature enough to get over himself and be a lovely husband that you deserve... that you want the man you married.

Tell him.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. This is in no way on you.

Nothing he can say can turn this around to make his stuffy ego your problem. He is a problem. He is, his own problem.

Tell him you will only interact with him if he is being respectful and setting a good example to your children. They need to see backbone, not pain, from you.

I was over the moon to read you have been seeing a counselor. You need to rely on straight facts, not anymore emotional antics from him. And throwing your family into the comments for good measure are actually empty filler he is using to create more reasons why he is not happy.

Him being happy is a choice. He married you. You have wonderful children together.

Take him to counseling with you and have him admit whatever it is he is unhappy about.

It will come out eventually anyway.

I hope this gets solved sooner rather than later, and do have a good talk with the kids, separately. One on one. Tell them how beautiful they are, and how perfect they smile, and how nothing they ever do will change that, no matter what anybody says.

Roses to you...

Wow. He's a right abusive grump isn't he. Are you certain that there isn't anyone else involved in his life?

I really can’t understand pp excusing his behavior and being critical of the OP not going on dates and not giving him a BJ. I would never want romantic dates with a pig like that - he has belittled how you look, your weight and how you dress. Critical of your family, why the f**k should they worship him? He’s sounds like a complete knob head narcissist. Stop pandering to him by dressing the way he likes you to!!?? It’s not staffords wives! Christ, I’d be gone. As for the au pair, my first thought is that he’ll have someone to compare you to (as she’ll be younger) and will make you feel more insecure about yourself. He obviously thinks he’s a god but in my experience, I like to be treated well and looks, wealth etc are secondary. He’s not treating you well hun.