Is my husband asking too much?

[OEJ1979]

Following on from @needsdistracting and advice for me to set up my own thread...

My sister sent me this link this morning and I have debated posting.
This is exactly what I’m going through...just a little worse and I’m lost in what to do.
After a holiday back in October my husband asked me to loose some weight as I had put a bit on. I obliged (without the knowledge he had taken a photo of me incase I protested). Come January he came to me with issues making him unhappy. My appearance (what I wore and still my weight even though I’d lost 5 kilos), our sex life (it was good but I’m a traditional girl and don’t do oral and ‘weird’ positions which he wants) and the tension with my family (he has never got well with them). I sought counselling as I thought it was me with the problems. I’m emotionless as I don’t shower him with kisses and hugs and give him what he desires and deserves. I worked hard and was looking fab...six pack getting there. Wearing the pretty clothes he likes and bedroom life was great (still no oral though). My family is like banging my head against a wall. They are them. I can’t change them and I can’t make them love him! He thinks they should worship the ground he walks on as I’ve had a wonderful life.
Over then following three months he became nasty. Spiteful comments almost daily about what I eating, wearing what exercise I did. Digs at my family about what they say and how they look...they aren’t super models!
Things really changed one day when he told me that our children (girl, 13 and boy 9) thought I was fat. I was horrified, I’m 5ft2 and 55kg. Not fat! His constant comments about my appearance have resulted in our children being brainwashed. He then told me that if he didn’t get what he wanted in bedroom it could be a deal breaker. He has done other things and said other things that I can’t bring myself to type. However he has wanted to take me away, go out on dates ect and asked continuously over the past year. Our children have had things going on and I’ve said no. I want to here for them. He wants an au pair so we can do what we want when we want. I’ve said no.
He has always been romantic, always told me I’m beautiful and made me feel truly loved. I assumed he respected the way I am in bedroom as even though he has complained endlessly when things haven’t changed he’s never been nasty. Until now.
This has now pushed me to a point I didn’t know I had. I went back to the counsellor and found started to find a voice. Realise this isn’t acceptable. This result is that he is now having to decide if he wants me still because I’ve said no more. Take me as I am or not. It’s all be twisted again so I’m the one believing this messed up situation is my fault.

I sympathise so much with you. I have no idea what to do. We shouldn’t have to accept this behaviour, ever.
But for me do I just do what he wants to keep our family together or say no. I can’t live wondering every day if I’m keeping him happy. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how men treat women. Nor do I want my son to think this is how to treat women.
I hope it works out for you
From a very confused mum.

@ScabbyHorse
To put his shoes away and put his stuff in the dishwasher!!!!!

OP, ask yourself if you are happy in this relationship? If not, you can't just 'fix it' or him. He won't change because he doesn't want to, and you cannot chang him. You have to make a binary decision: are you in or out. In involves everything you have now, the good and the bad. Out means a big upheaval but the potential for good sorts of change and for happiness for you and DC. What will make you and them happy in the long term?

Listen to your counsellor. If they know all the facts and can see gaslighting and you cannot, then it's probably because you have been gaslighted. You have no objectivity and are deep in the FOG. See if any of this resonates outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

OP, I also notice you posted that he has "done and said other things that you cannot bring yourself to type". Tell us anonymous strangers here. You'll get a good sense check on this board. It is probably what you need right now. And it won't be anything we haven't heard before (and some of us have experienced), I assure you.

@BendyLikeBeckham
Thank you. I shall look at that.

Let’s give this a go...

He spent a week on holiday not talking to me as I was too fat to be next to him

He tried to lay on top of me on a beach in Dubai...I said it really wasn’t appropriate. I don’t fancy jail out there. And didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day...not a word!

Same vaca I wore a beautiful bright blue skirt. It required a plain top. It didn’t have flowers and I wore flats. Again didn’t say a word all night.

While bathing my son one evening he came in lifted my dress and stood back to inspect me. Comments of we need to work on this bit here and there with it.

He needs to keep tabs on me to ensure I don’t become my mum or sister....in other words not a size 6.

I asked if he would help out if I decided to go back to work (which I want to do). Basic answer no. Get on with it you’ve still got a job here to do.

I went away with our daughter for the first time ever. Five days worth of nasty messages to make me feel guilty.

He told me very clearly he did not want a summer holiday as he didn’t want to spend time with me.

12 months ago we started to look at going away for my special birthday this year. Somewhere remote to escape from phones ect. He has now decided that you go to these places to have sex all day long. He won’t go as he won’t get a bj a day or sex in the sea! And I’m too fat!

Shouts a load of nasty comments when he comes in drunk and I say no to sex!

He told me I had lived under hitlers rule all my life as my parents we so strict. They really weren’t that bad.

I now see that I lost all my school friends because he made me see them as not nice people. He has tried so hard to destroy my relationship with my family. We are now closer than ever.

Oh, OP. Ew.

Would this have been a holiday with your children or without? Honestly can’t expect a holiday with the children to be sex all day ...

Personally I’d be livid if my partner came home drunk late and woke me up for sex. I get up at 5am for work. Bad enough to be disturbed by him crashing into bed and snoring!

Really can’t believe he thinks inspecting you in front of your son (or at all) is acceptable. And saying your parents are like hitler - am lost for words. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

Jesus OP.
That is all horrendous.
Read that back.
Imagine if one of your DC comes to you one day in their future and explains all of this. What would your advice be?
This is awful abuse.
Just how 'fat' are you?
Most men who say this are not with 'fat' women at all.
Please get away.
I'm glad you are close to your family.
Get their support and aim to leave asap.
Your poor DC cannot stay in this environment.
It's too toxic for you and for them.
Don't allow them to be brought up in an abusive house hold.
It will cause huge mental health problems for them in the future.

This is horrendous. And frankly I think he wants an au pair so he can perv on her. For any potential applicant's safety I think you shouldn't get one.

You could leave him for so many reasons. Why do you want to stay with him?

Leave him. He sounds like a right nasty piece of work.

Re. oral - anyone has a right to say "nope, not my cup of tea" to any sexual activity whatsoever, no matter how mainstream their partner, or indeed the world at large, thinks it is. But by the same token, anyone has a right to say "well, without that sexual activity, our sex life isn't satisfying so I'm out of here."

He's horrific. Get rid.

Jesus OP

OP, I hope you keep reading back your last post to yourself. Have you read the 'Listen Up' thread which is stickied at the top of the Relationships Board? I highly recommend it. It is a great reality check on what everyone is entitled to expect in a partnership as basic basic minimum, such as respect, love, kindness.

Is your DH showing you these? Not much from the examples you've given.

I'm half thinking he has a serious eating disorder that he is projecting into you, but that would imply he can seek help and fix it, and give you some hope of change. He may well need some medical help for his issues, but from the other examples you've given of his behaviour towards you (which is pretty disgusting), the problem is way bigger than that, and you need to focus on your happiness. He treats you with contempt, and in front of your DC. Is this the life you want for yourself and them?

I know people are often quick to say LTB here, but it's usually because they have got sensible shit-tolerance levels and enough self esteem to enforce them, and/or that they've been exactly where you are now and want to help you free yourself from an intolerable situation and seek happiness.

I remember fondly how a few years ago posters like @AnotherEmma helped me see what was right before my eyes, and that I needed enough self worth to reject that treatment.

Google The Freedom Programme. It's very helpful in identifying behaviours that are typed to different abuse personalities.

And please please stop blaming yourself. He has conditioned you to do this, so much that you've changed yourself for him.

You also don't need to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. And you don't need to justify ending it. Don't invest in the sunk costs fallacy either. You may have been together a long time, but what about the rest of your life? Its stretching out ahead of you, and it's up to you what you do with it.

He is a nasty arsehole. I wouldn't want to go out with him either, or give him oral, or touch him at all. Yuck. I couldn't live with a man like this, you deserve better.

Isn’t your BMI just over 22, so completely normal.

@hellsbellsmelons I’m 5ft2 and 55kg and 22bmi wear 6-10 clothes depends on where from.
So no even remotely fat.

@BendyLikeBeckham thank you.

I keep reading these words back to myself. They are permanently going through my head.

I have told him I think he has an eating disorder. His is verging on underweight. Maybe I should tell him to fatten up. I don’t like it!
He is even worse right now because I am suddenly ‘out of control’

I have always seen him as a wonderful person. We’ve had so many great times and we have until recently been a loving happy couple. So I thought! I suppose I don’t leave in hope that we will get that back.

By out of control he means not doing what he wants.

How can things go back if he isn’t even willing to see a counsellor together to work on things?

By all means encourage him to see his GP about his disordered relationship with food and his body, but it is NOT acceptable for him to project this onto you, and effectively abuse you with his nastiness. I read somewhere on here a while ago that someone with mental health problems can also be bastard. They are not mutually exclusive.

If you decide you really want to give your marriage one last chance, then I would at least give him an ultimatum and a deadline. He seeks medical help and both individual and marriage counselling and if he is not a wonderful partner who loves, respects and cherishes you every day without abusing you, in say 6 months time, then that is the end. Pick your own timeframe here, rather than mine, and you are at least taking control of the situation a little. Otherwise you are just suffering his behaviour every day, waiting in limbo for his approval, he has no accountability, and his actions are going to spiral and destroy you.

This is manipulation. He is trying to convince you that his way is the right way. It is not the right way at all.
Please get yourself and the DC away from this awful nasty person before he destroys you all

@BendyLikeBeckham
You sound like you speak from experience. Your words and those from others are received well.
He tried the ultimatum with me that didn’t work. I wonder how he would take it the other way?
100% we need help. individual and together. When he is incapable of talking to me without a sarcastic and patronising tone it is impossible to try and hold any constructive conversation.

I would love to know what a man thinks of this behaviour. Would they accept who I am and always have been or turn like this to get their own way?

And you are right. The destruction has started.

He is abusive and controlling. Really really nasty bastard and everything is about him. It wouldn't surprise me if he is a narcissist too.highly toxic and you need to get yourself and your children away from him.

yes I speak from experience! Married a long time to what I later understood to be a narcissist.

Anyway, you need to realise this weight thing is not about you or your weight. You could be a size zero and he would find a way to criticise and demean you. It's not about your weight. It's all about him and probably his issues with his own weight or his relationship with you. At the risk of further armchair psychology, in my limited understanding of eating disorders and some personality disorders (plus plain abusive bastardness) the element of control is key. He controls his own eating and body and is trying to control yours. He is also trying to control other aspects of you and your relationship, by ignoring you, verbally abusing you, telling you what to do and who to spend time with and what to wear, demeaning you, demanding certain sex acts, making you feel shit and not good enough for him, alienating your family and your children from you, sulking etc etc. Its all about control, by him of you. When you push back and refuse, does his behaviour worsen and escalate?

Please hash all of this out with your counsellor, and do some reading. Lundy Bancroft is an excellent author.

@BendyLikeBeckham
He gets very sarcastic in his responses when I defend myself.

I said I was going to the gym tomorrow and got a response of ‘i Didn’t think you went anymore’

When I say I’m going for me as I enjoy it I get ‘well we know you do nothing for me’
Just a bitchy response.
Sometimes he shouts. Others likes this. Very calm and controlled.

Just messing with my head.

Last night he tried to have sex knowing I didn’t feel great and knowing that I almost feel
Like I can’t refuse...if I do I’m rejecting him ans therefore failing the marriage.
It’s so fucked up. How have I not seen this in 21 years?

I do hope you are now free and enjoying your life.

@OEJ1979 that is not asking very much

I bet if you left him, all your “mutual” friends would too. He sounds like an absolute jerk who is sucking the life out of you like a tick sucking the blood out of a deer - injecting poison while it feeds.