Is my husband asking too much?

[OEJ1979]

Following on from @needsdistracting and advice for me to set up my own thread...

My sister sent me this link this morning and I have debated posting.
This is exactly what I’m going through...just a little worse and I’m lost in what to do.
After a holiday back in October my husband asked me to loose some weight as I had put a bit on. I obliged (without the knowledge he had taken a photo of me incase I protested). Come January he came to me with issues making him unhappy. My appearance (what I wore and still my weight even though I’d lost 5 kilos), our sex life (it was good but I’m a traditional girl and don’t do oral and ‘weird’ positions which he wants) and the tension with my family (he has never got well with them). I sought counselling as I thought it was me with the problems. I’m emotionless as I don’t shower him with kisses and hugs and give him what he desires and deserves. I worked hard and was looking fab...six pack getting there. Wearing the pretty clothes he likes and bedroom life was great (still no oral though). My family is like banging my head against a wall. They are them. I can’t change them and I can’t make them love him! He thinks they should worship the ground he walks on as I’ve had a wonderful life.
Over then following three months he became nasty. Spiteful comments almost daily about what I eating, wearing what exercise I did. Digs at my family about what they say and how they look...they aren’t super models!
Things really changed one day when he told me that our children (girl, 13 and boy 9) thought I was fat. I was horrified, I’m 5ft2 and 55kg. Not fat! His constant comments about my appearance have resulted in our children being brainwashed. He then told me that if he didn’t get what he wanted in bedroom it could be a deal breaker. He has done other things and said other things that I can’t bring myself to type. However he has wanted to take me away, go out on dates ect and asked continuously over the past year. Our children have had things going on and I’ve said no. I want to here for them. He wants an au pair so we can do what we want when we want. I’ve said no.
He has always been romantic, always told me I’m beautiful and made me feel truly loved. I assumed he respected the way I am in bedroom as even though he has complained endlessly when things haven’t changed he’s never been nasty. Until now.
This has now pushed me to a point I didn’t know I had. I went back to the counsellor and found started to find a voice. Realise this isn’t acceptable. This result is that he is now having to decide if he wants me still because I’ve said no more. Take me as I am or not. It’s all be twisted again so I’m the one believing this messed up situation is my fault.

I sympathise so much with you. I have no idea what to do. We shouldn’t have to accept this behaviour, ever.
But for me do I just do what he wants to keep our family together or say no. I can’t live wondering every day if I’m keeping him happy. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how men treat women. Nor do I want my son to think this is how to treat women.
I hope it works out for you
From a very confused mum.

He sounds awful. 55kg is not fat whichever way you flip it. I’m 10kg heavier than that and I’m not exactly what you’d call fat. Anyway if his idea of attractiveness in a person is them being emaciated then he has issues, and I bet he’s no ripped Adonis.

Even given all that he shouldn’t be bullying you for your weight, even if you were 85kg. Telling someone they’re fat never makes them thin, it just makes them hate themselves, which isn’t a good starting point.

Regarding sex, if he knew you didn’t like oral before you married him then tough shit. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do in the bedroom, ever, no matter how much he wants you to. I bet he goes down on you, right? Still, not an excuse to make an issue about something he knew from the outset.

Sounds like you’d be better off without him. If he doesn’t like you he can go and find some other stick thin woman who likes giving bjs.

Sounds like another middle aged man who thinks he’s entitled to a super model tbh. God knows why they think this but they’re delusional, because unless he’s got a 6 figure bank balance no young sexy woman is gonna look twice.

But for me do I just do what he wants to keep our family together or say no
Hell no!!!!
He sounds awful.
So he's has no blow jobs for 21 years and suddenly now it's an issue?
Seems very odd.
No oral would be a deal-breaker for me but I'd make sure very early on that is was OK with someone before going any further into the relationship.
21 years!
He can't start demanding now.
If you are uncomfortable doing it then you don't do it.
He sounds awful though OP.
And you sound at breaking point.

I don’t want my daughter to think this is how men treat women. Nor do I want my son to think this is how to treat women
And this is your main focus.
Don't allow them to see this abuse and think it's normal.
It will become their normal later in life.

and now won’t go as he feels I’m being told all the wrong things!
And further proof he is abusive and controlling.
You know what to do OP.
Start making plans.

@Devilrocknroller sadly he is blessed with a skinny body whatever he eats!
But he does concern me that he has body dysmorphia. He Often weighs food. Gets on scales twice a day. Is very insecure about his body....and mine!

Oh my. He does sound like he’s got an unhealthy obsession with physical appearance

Trolls are out again, I see. OP, there is no excuse for any of his behaviour. This is not your fault. I think some people are confused about the nature of choice in sexual relationships. Whether the two people are married is irrelevant.

OP, if you are unhappy in this relationship (which is understandable) there is no need to stay and be miserable.

@Whatisthisfuckery
He has worked hard and been successful so the bank account is healthy. We met when we had nothing so that is not what I married him for not why I would stay.

I think his view is that he has respected me for 21 years and now wants what he wants and no longer accepts my anxieties.
It isn’t the same as me asking him to put his breakfast bowl in the dishwasher or make the bed...which he never ever does!

I think you maybe right @AgentJohnson.
He feels rejected by me and that is now resentment. I felt I showed my love in other ways. Which obviously no longer do.
His nastiness has made me angry and we are at that point of resenting each other.

Oh god OP, I wasn’t for a minute suggesting you were with him because of his money. I was merely commenting on the fact that middle aged men aren’t as attractive to the young sexy women they feel they’re entitled to as they think they are.

From your later update though it does sound like he’s projecting his own body issues onto you. He needs to get help for that himself and not bully you to make himself feel validated.

It does sound like a mid-life crisis tbh. Body issues/desperate to stay in shape; wanting things in the bedroom that he feels like he’s missing out on.

I think aging takes more of a toll on mens’ egos more than they’d like to admit but it doesn’t give him the right to bully you and make you responsible for his own wel being. He’s a big boy now so he needs to look after that himself, and you shouldn’t be suffering if he can’t.

This is abuse.

Get out and take the children before he damages them further.

It sounds to me like you would be far better off apart, because as we get older things start to go wrong with our bodies and if something were to happen to you, whereby you could no longer offer sex at all, or couldn't exercise and then did become fat, it sounds to me like he certainly wouldn't be sticking around, so why waste your life with a man who obviously doesn't love you warts and all?

I say this because when I met my DH, I was a slim, fit, size 10, however, after injuring my back 8 years later, and only 1 year after getting married, I have gained a humungous amount of weight, and can't have sex at all as it causes me too much pain, although am happy to do what I can to keep my DH happy in other ways. He still loves me to bits, looks after me, and makes me feel like the most attractive woman in the world. THAT is true love! Would yours do this for you? I don't think so!!

Please get away from this abusive relationship and hopefully at some point you'll find someone who loves you in every way, and not just for the way you look.

You are fundamentally unsuited

... Because you're not a doll and your family aren't plastic people who do what he wants, how he wants either.

He seems to want to mold a stepford wife.

Involving your children and their supposed opinions is despicable and highly inappropriate.

So he wouldn't continue counselling when they delved into.him equally and didn't sit there lecturing you on what you needed to change and make 'right' ... His very surprising.

He sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder. At the very least he's an egotistic, demanding, hypercritical, selfish, perfectionist who thinks everyone should put him on a pedestal, strive to please him, etc and incapable of self criticism. Sounds like he wants to be demigod/supreme ruler of his own little universe.

You know Lundy Bancroft hit the nail on the head when he said a household with an abusive man is a miniature autocracy/dictatorship; not a democracy.

*how very surprising

Thank you for all replies.

I’m scared and hurt.

Do I owe it to him to try and get to see what he is doing is wrong?
I’m not there calling it abuse.

Do I owe it to the kids? He has always been amazing with them..

Or have I bought it on myself like he has made me believe?

It's people like this can't see it.

The counselling is an indication of what his reaction is to anything approaching examination/criticism of him.

However always worth a try ..

Sorry, don't knock where that 'it's' came from

*know!

@Pembsgirl this is exactly what I’m scared of.
Sex was a lost worse when we first met as I had no end of problems that caused immense pain which in turn has mentally scarred me.

Stick thin super models don’t run in my family. However my dad and bro in law respect the strong confident hard working and adore them. He’s says he must keep tabs on me so I don’t get like them. Is that the fat side or the strong confident...I’m not sure which would be worse for him.

Maybe these are questions I should ask him outright.

What happens if when I get older....

I’m so pleased your husband loves you. He sounds wonderful.

OP, I think he has already checked out of the marriage. He has set out his reasons why he doesn't want to stay, and instead of justifying his cowardly unspoken decision, you took steps to change. He is now angry that his justifications don't hold weight. He wants out and is a coward, so he Hope's you will leave him because you are so miserable instead. Then it isn't his fault the marriage broke down. Classic weak pathetic manipulation.

Keep going to counselling. Don't change yourself, you are fine as you are, except the people pleasing part. Prioritise you and the DC. Work on your self esteem and plan your exit, because you are worth more than this shit.

His body shaming and using your children to body shame you and negging and trying to isolate you from your family are abuse.

No oral would have been a dealbreaker for me in the dating stage, but it wasn't for him because he married you, now he's reneged and trying to coerce you. Sexual coercion is abuse.

Your relationship is abusive.

He has always been amazing with them..
A father who body shames their mother in front of them is NOT amazing.
That's abusive.
He is already teaching them that women should look a certain way.
They will grow up with all sorts of eating disorders unless you can put a stop to this!

I doubt the DC really think you are fat. It's him saying it's them to put pressure on you, or he's effectively putting words in their mouths.

And given this started around your holiday last year, what changed I wonder? Does he have his eye on someone else?

Thanks OEJ1979, my husband IS wonderful, and you deserve someone just like him. It sounds to me like you've tried really hard to please your partner, and he thinks he can just sit there and dish out rude, hurtful remarks, that's not love, it's bullying, and why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a bully? I agree with others who say that he's not a wonderful father, if he's putting words into his children's mouths, and why would a good father repeat something like that, even if the children had said it? A good father would reprimand them for saying things that are rude and hurtful. Please get rid of him, you can do so much better, and believe me, there are good men out there, there might even be one who makes you feel so good about yourself that you actually want to give him a BJ! In fact, could it be that the reason you can't make yourself give oral sex be anything to do with his personal hygiene, after all, nobody wants to go down on someone who isn't clean, do they? YUK!!

@BendyLikeBeckham I think you may be right.

@KatzP @BendyLikeBeckham
That is what I have said to him. I thought he wanted to leave hence me becoming very defensive.

Yesterday I had stream of messages telling me off for a decision he disagreed with that I had taken. Like I was 10 years old.
From this I again felt it was all me. I’m the one causing my marriage to fail.
My councillor tells me it is gas lighting. Is it?

@Pembsgirl he would be to differ with the effort. I should have been dragging him to the room and starving myself immediately to show effort. he yesterday asked me if I thought he was a bully...I replied yes sometimes. He response...it is only because I’ve made him like it.

My sister asked me today what I would do if it were the other way round. Response. Tell him to F off...

That I’m not sure I’m ready to face

oh dear poor you OP. I agree wtih PP he is abusive and nasty, and also cannot possibly be a good father if he thinks it's ok to treat their mother like that.

Also I'd worry what views my children were getting about relationships from seeing this all the time.

Yeah he's asking way too much. Have you asked anything of him?