Is my husband asking too much?

[OEJ1979]

Following on from @needsdistracting and advice for me to set up my own thread...

My sister sent me this link this morning and I have debated posting.
This is exactly what I’m going through...just a little worse and I’m lost in what to do.
After a holiday back in October my husband asked me to loose some weight as I had put a bit on. I obliged (without the knowledge he had taken a photo of me incase I protested). Come January he came to me with issues making him unhappy. My appearance (what I wore and still my weight even though I’d lost 5 kilos), our sex life (it was good but I’m a traditional girl and don’t do oral and ‘weird’ positions which he wants) and the tension with my family (he has never got well with them). I sought counselling as I thought it was me with the problems. I’m emotionless as I don’t shower him with kisses and hugs and give him what he desires and deserves. I worked hard and was looking fab...six pack getting there. Wearing the pretty clothes he likes and bedroom life was great (still no oral though). My family is like banging my head against a wall. They are them. I can’t change them and I can’t make them love him! He thinks they should worship the ground he walks on as I’ve had a wonderful life.
Over then following three months he became nasty. Spiteful comments almost daily about what I eating, wearing what exercise I did. Digs at my family about what they say and how they look...they aren’t super models!
Things really changed one day when he told me that our children (girl, 13 and boy 9) thought I was fat. I was horrified, I’m 5ft2 and 55kg. Not fat! His constant comments about my appearance have resulted in our children being brainwashed. He then told me that if he didn’t get what he wanted in bedroom it could be a deal breaker. He has done other things and said other things that I can’t bring myself to type. However he has wanted to take me away, go out on dates ect and asked continuously over the past year. Our children have had things going on and I’ve said no. I want to here for them. He wants an au pair so we can do what we want when we want. I’ve said no.
He has always been romantic, always told me I’m beautiful and made me feel truly loved. I assumed he respected the way I am in bedroom as even though he has complained endlessly when things haven’t changed he’s never been nasty. Until now.
This has now pushed me to a point I didn’t know I had. I went back to the counsellor and found started to find a voice. Realise this isn’t acceptable. This result is that he is now having to decide if he wants me still because I’ve said no more. Take me as I am or not. It’s all be twisted again so I’m the one believing this messed up situation is my fault.

I sympathise so much with you. I have no idea what to do. We shouldn’t have to accept this behaviour, ever.
But for me do I just do what he wants to keep our family together or say no. I can’t live wondering every day if I’m keeping him happy. I don’t want my daughter to think this is how men treat women. Nor do I want my son to think this is how to treat women.
I hope it works out for you
From a very confused mum.

Whats there to think about? He sounds vile, controlling and abusive. Walk away.

Wow, that list. If you posted any one of those incidents on here people would identify it as abusive behaviour.

OP you could be stick thin, ultra passionate and the queen of oral but it won't be enough. He's an abuser following the script so he can blame you.

Take control, don't let him force you into the pick me dance. Get all the essential paperwork in order, start job hunting. If you want to end the relationship then do so on your own terms.

OP, to coin a MN cliche, it's the boiling frog syndrome. And yes, it happened to me, plus I was so invested in the marriage that I felt I didn't have any choice but to keep trying to make it work. Thing is, I was the only one doing that and it takes two.

I learned I did have choices and had to make them for others, because the catalyst moment wasn't actually treatment of me, it was towards the DC.

Your DH sounds very entitled. He is entitled to treat you however he wants, to make unreasonable demands, to have sex when he wants, to have oral sex, to sulk when he doesn't get it. The fact that he is making you believe it is all your fault is a way to grind you down so you've got no fight left.

At the time, I also saw the marriage ending as a failure on my part. That is fucked up. Marriages end, people move on. Not being a quitter just for the sake of it is plain stupid.

And yes, another cliche I'm afriad: When he left it was like a massive black cloud had lifted from mine and DCs lives. The house felt full of sunshine and joy. We could laugh and play music and have silly fun without having to keep the noise down and try not to annoy him. We could do whatever we wanted when we wanted without having to consider how he would react. And not having to think of HIS needs as a priority was uplifting.

After being happily single for a while, I'm now with a fantastic guy who is so so different from my ex.

There is a future for you. You just have to choose it.

@BendyLikeBeckham
You’ve hit the nail on the head with everything.
You show to me there is something else for me.
I’m drained. I’m done have a constant headache feeling sick. I spend every day trying to be nice an getting spiteful responses.
He needs me to pull the cord so he can always tell the children it was my fault.
I can see two futures in front of me. I need to find the courage for the right one for my children as well as me. They leave home eventually and I can’t spend 30+ years miserable after that.

Tell him to fuck off, get a good lawyer and file for divorce. This man is a shit who simply doesn't think that women are people. You, to him, are a kind of doll who exists to please and service him.
This is unfixable - men who genuinely believe that women are less than human don't respond well to therapy or counselling. They may claim - and even belive- that they love their partners but, as someone onece said, it's like saying you love your dog. You don't beat it; you make sure it has everything it needs in the way of food and shelter and/or medical care - but it's not allowed on the sofa and it must be trained to obey, because it's a dog.

OP please do make use of the resources I suggested to help you make a decision, whatever that is, and one which is right for you and DC.

PM me if you like.

Best of luck. You only get one life, and your DC only one childhood.