I feel like such a shit !!!! Very confused

[Mollyalone]

Hi,
I have been in a relationship (on off) since April 2018
On paper we look like we have a fab relationship and in many ways I suppose we do.
But it’s come to crunch time now as he has just sold his house and the plan is for us to live together but I’m having huge doubts as to whether I can share my home and life full time with someone again, I am 3.5 years out from my stbxh leaving me for OW.

My partner is a very kind and generous man but is also very clingy and very needy of my whole attention, I sat in a different chair last night instead of next to him on the sofa and he was quiet and sulky saying that it wasn’t right I should be next to him ! I had just worked a 12 hour day and didn’t want to be touched or inappropriately groped as is his way so I sat on my own seat for some space.

He openly ogles other women when I’m with him and makes no bones about it, I find that very belittling to me and my feelings.
He hogs the tv remote and we always watch what he wants or what he thinks I want to watch all the time and describes the things I like as shite .

We had temporarily parted at the end of last year for some of the above reasons but I decided to give it another go at in jan this year.

It never improved he has even grabbed my boobs at a bbq in front of his adult children and their friends when he was tipsy ....needless to say I hate it and it was embarrassing.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I have come to really dislike sex with him as it is just that sex and no emotion or forplay involved. Yuk I feel like I would never bother if I ever had sex again as I just don’t want to be mauled about anymore.

These are some of the red flags that have been waving in my face for a long time and now I can’t carry on with this anymore.

I have asked him this morning for a weeks break from us so I can have some space to sort my feelings out and his only reply to this was
“ I don’t understand any of this “
I explained that I’m having doubts and he never answered as I sent this by txt this morning after I had left him in my house when I went to work.

I have just popped home for lunch and he is not here and neither is his personal stuff so I take it he’s gone back to his own house.

I feel relieved to be getting space but also a shit for letting him down

Please talk some sense into me and any advice would be welcome 🙏

why on earth would you move in with this man? You don't like him and you aren't happy when you're with him. Plus the clingynesss/inappropriate touching is just gross and horrible.

If he's taken his stuff and gone, you should consider this a win and a lucky escape.

Don't feel bad. Chalk this up to experience and move on.

Sounds like you've answered your own question, put yourself first OP

You aren't responsible for him OP. Don't let him move in out of a sense of guilt. You'll regret it when you're trying to get him out again.

Life is too short for shit sex just on its own!

Stop feeling guilty for coming to the realisation that this relationship was doomed.

He's grim. You told him so and gave him another chance and he's still grim.

Don't feel guilty for walking away from a man who thinks it's ok to grab your boobs in public.

Those are some pretty huge red flags, I'd say you've dodged a massive bullet right there!

Agree with all the pp above.

Was the plan for him to move into your home?
Has he got a key?
If so, get the lock changed ASAP. Tell him you’ve decided it’s over between you, then block/delete all contact with him.
Chalk it up to experience and pat yourself on the back for having such a lucky escape.

Honestly.. He sounds horrible and mean. Get out. Getting space was a clever thing. I don't think you'll ever be happy with this man, he will not change because he clearly doesn't value your feelings. You deserve better x

He's disrespectful and really quite repulsive. I think moving in with him would be a massive mistake and make it 100 times harder to split.

IME respect and trust are the 2 non-negotiables in any relationship and it doesn't sound like you have either here...

Being single has to be better than this?

Oh dear, I definitely wouldn't move in with him based on what you've said. I remarried last year after a divorce and living alone for years and even now I don't like sharing my space sometimes even though my DH does none of what you've described your partner does! If you're not 150% sure, don't do it.

He sounds absolutely awful. Mauling you, groping you in public, leering at other women, emotionless sex - bit of a misogynist?

In any case, this relationship is beyond all redemption. And FWIW he's not that kind if he never agrees to watch your choice of TV programmes, humiliates you in public and generally ignores your boundaries.

Oooh yuck, do not move in with him! He doesn't sound like someone I'd give up my hard won personal space for!

On paper we look like we have a fab relationship and in many ways I suppose we do
In what ways exactly?

Do NOT move this man into your home. He sounds vile! Groped you in public (in front of his kids), is needy, hogs the remote, demeans you. I mean I've not read a single nice thing about him on your post .

Hell no.
You've now got to the 'ick factor' stage and there is no coming back from that.
Have your space.
Enjoy your space.
Enjoy your freedom.
You know you deserve better.
Never 'settle' - EVER!!!
I can't believe he hogs the remote control in YOUR home.
Fuck that OP.
He has no respect for you or women in general.
You are well rid.
Now end it properly and enjoy life with this twat out of it!

So what are his redeeming features???

Just no. Grim reading your post is OP. The groping and leering in public or private is a huge red flag 🚩 and the fact that you don’t want to have sex with him says it all. How you have managed this long is beyond me, but him moving in will just amplify all you have said so far, and it’ll be amplified 10 fold. Keep your personal space just that - personal. Sounds like he is not good at understanding what personal space is.

I’d change the locks ASAP in case he decides to come back at any stage.

Change your locks and don't look back at this selfish dick.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have called time on a relationship with someone who disrespected you, mauled you, touched you inappropriately and openly ogled other women.

Well done you. If he has gone now then let's hope he stays gone. Change the locks just in case.

Run for the hills OP and change your locks before you go. Absolutely don't move in with him because you feel guilty about letting him down. Just get rid, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Very kind and generous? My arse.

Why are you even asking?
It doesn't sound like you like him in any way at all.
Moving him in would be a massive mistake, and you'll be here again in a year or two asking how to escape.

Don’t be confused. He’s gross, and you’d have to be a complete idiot to take this any further. Respect yourself and your own life.

Why did you ever think he was a good bet, OP? Was he just not as awful as your previous ex? Awful is still awful, and he sounds like a completely unpleasant man - is he just unpleasant in a different way to your last partner, so you don't actually notice how bad he is until you write it down?

Gropes you, is needy, bad sex, disrespectful and just plain pathetic (you should sit with me...bah!). You are so well rid...

I got as far as
inappropriately groped as is his way
And couldnt understand why you are with this man. Reading on he sounds so totally vile I can’t imagine why you gave it another go.

you have not let him down you are well rid. Congratulations! Did he leave his key? I hope so, if not I would change the locks so he knows it’s final.
Block him. Move on.

You deserve better