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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like such a shit !!!! Very confused

86 replies

Mollyalone · 30/08/2019 13:49

Hi,
I have been in a relationship (on off) since April 2018
On paper we look like we have a fab relationship and in many ways I suppose we do.
But it’s come to crunch time now as he has just sold his house and the plan is for us to live together but I’m having huge doubts as to whether I can share my home and life full time with someone again, I am 3.5 years out from my stbxh leaving me for OW.

My partner is a very kind and generous man but is also very clingy and very needy of my whole attention, I sat in a different chair last night instead of next to him on the sofa and he was quiet and sulky saying that it wasn’t right I should be next to him ! I had just worked a 12 hour day and didn’t want to be touched or inappropriately groped as is his way so I sat on my own seat for some space.

He openly ogles other women when I’m with him and makes no bones about it, I find that very belittling to me and my feelings.
He hogs the tv remote and we always watch what he wants or what he thinks I want to watch all the time and describes the things I like as shite .

We had temporarily parted at the end of last year for some of the above reasons but I decided to give it another go at in jan this year.

It never improved he has even grabbed my boobs at a bbq in front of his adult children and their friends when he was tipsy ....needless to say I hate it and it was embarrassing.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I have come to really dislike sex with him as it is just that sex and no emotion or forplay involved. Yuk I feel like I would never bother if I ever had sex again as I just don’t want to be mauled about anymore.

These are some of the red flags that have been waving in my face for a long time and now I can’t carry on with this anymore.

I have asked him this morning for a weeks break from us so I can have some space to sort my feelings out and his only reply to this was
“ I don’t understand any of this “
I explained that I’m having doubts and he never answered as I sent this by txt this morning after I had left him in my house when I went to work.

I have just popped home for lunch and he is not here and neither is his personal stuff so I take it he’s gone back to his own house.

I feel relieved to be getting space but also a shit for letting him down

Please talk some sense into me and any advice would be welcome 🙏

OP posts:

kateandme · 30/08/2019 14:52

the list of things you mention to me sounds like someone you dont want to be around.and thats perfectly fine,shit happens...soend this.this cant be any kind of relationship.and do not move in with him! you will be utterly miserable.id end it.at least for now.this isnt someone making you happy

greentheme23 · 30/08/2019 14:52

These are more than red flags love. They are building sized banners! DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM!

MollyButton · 30/08/2019 14:55

He sounds vile! Keep your own home and get rid.

MollyButton · 30/08/2019 14:57

Oh and he will be back - when he thinks you will be begging for him. Do change the locks, and pack up any "ittle bits he's "forgotten"

MsDogLady · 30/08/2019 15:06

Why would you sentence yourself to being diminished for the rest of your life?

littlepaddypaws · 30/08/2019 15:08

he's the shit not you op, you are well rid of this sleezey and controlling sulker.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/08/2019 15:08

Eeeww, he sounds like he ought to be on a register of some sort.

Change the barrel in all your locks, YouTube will show you how.

Missingstreetlife · 30/08/2019 15:09

Run op, you don't need this sleazebag

Blueuggboots · 30/08/2019 15:10

The hills are that way>>>>>>>
Run and run fast!!!

category12 · 30/08/2019 15:11

Good call not to let him move in.

Better one would be to end the whole thing. He gropes you and the sex is bad and he's domineering. Dump!

IAmcuriousyellow · 30/08/2019 15:11

Well done kid, he’s saved you the bother. He sounds most unpleasant - don’t take him back. Enjoy your remote!

HellonHeels · 30/08/2019 15:13

Thank fuck he's gone! Just reading your post made me feel queasy.

Cannot see anything good about him at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2019 15:19

He sounds like a dream. He’s a kind and generous man, who also happens to be:

Clingy
Needy
Sulky
Gropes you in public
Ogles other women
Doesn’t accept you have your own tastes
Belittles you
Doesn’t care about your needs

What isn’t there to like?

category12 · 30/08/2019 15:21

And he's put poor OP off having sex at all.

Hoodiesallsummer · 30/08/2019 15:33

All of it sounds awful.

Even the tv thing which sounds relatively trivial would be a dealbreaker for me these days. Exh used to do the exact same and I hated it.

SouthernComforts · 30/08/2019 15:35

He sounds vile what are you doing with him

ISpeakJive · 30/08/2019 15:41

Well done for seeing those red flags before he moved in. You are absolutely right for having those doubts. Do not move this guy in. He will just get sorse.

Techway · 30/08/2019 15:45

Op, it sounds as if you are an object that has to meet his needs, rather than an equal partner with their own needs.

Is he only kind when it suits him or when he has an agenda? People who sulk are usually emotional immature or have a sense of entitlement so always expect you to do what they want. It doesn't tend to get better fixed as it's ingrained behaviour.

I think you are questioning yourself rather than listening to your misgivings. You are probadly a tolerant person but why do you think this is all you deserve. A bad partner is definitely worse than being single.

TemporaryPermanent · 30/08/2019 16:26

'On paper' he was right for you? I dont get that. On screen he sounds like a nightmare. Why would you even consider letting him move in? Break up!

Original poster

Mollyalone · 30/08/2019 19:06

Hi Thankyou everyone for your replies,

It’s obviously the right thing to do just going by all the advice to dump and run, I know I’ve made the right decision and I’m now back from work chilling out in my armchair feeling relieved. Also untouched !

I’ve not heard a peep from him today after the initial txt this morning so that tells me he is sulking and very peed off with me 🤷‍♀️

I’ve discussed this with my best friend for the first time tonight and she was gobsmacked and said the same as everyone that has sent replies on this thread, how have I been so blind and so tolerant.

Lesson learnt I need to have a higher respect fo myself.

Thankyou all again 💐

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 31/08/2019 16:16

you can still see him. if you really want but don't move in with him. ever.

31RueCambon75001 · 31/08/2019 16:19

Listen to your intuition!

Original poster

Mollyalone · 31/08/2019 16:29

I haven’t heard a word from him since he left my house yesterday and I’m relieved if I’m honest, he’s obviously sulking but not prepared to ask me why I’m having doubts about us.
That suits me fine as he wouldn’t listen anyway I have asked him not to grope me in the past but he never took any notice.

I’m better off alone and not being in a relationship as the whole thing has really put me off and life is nicer not being groped within an inch of your life.

The last time we split up when I was having doubts we were apart for 4 weeks and he had already been back on all the dating sites for over 3 weeks when we decided to try again..I’m a bit of a fool really as that alone tells me that he had no genuine love for me as he needed to replace me ASAP, i look back now and realise there was something not quite right with him as I met him 3months after he had come out of a 32 year marriage so maybe he just can’t be on his own.

Anyway I’m fine I’m happier and for the time being all’s quiet 🤫

OP posts:

Techway · 31/08/2019 16:57

Don't blame yourself, often the behaviour creeps up and of course there is good times and fun inbetween. It is only when you reflect and put all it all together that you can how toxic it is.

How old is he? Scary that he will be back on OLD and start the cycle with someone new. Some women will tolerate his behaviour so just be glad that you are are out of it.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/08/2019 17:08

Don't compromise on your happiness and comforts .... stay happy OP ..

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