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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like such a shit !!!! Very confused

86 replies

Mollyalone · 30/08/2019 13:49

Hi,
I have been in a relationship (on off) since April 2018
On paper we look like we have a fab relationship and in many ways I suppose we do.
But it’s come to crunch time now as he has just sold his house and the plan is for us to live together but I’m having huge doubts as to whether I can share my home and life full time with someone again, I am 3.5 years out from my stbxh leaving me for OW.

My partner is a very kind and generous man but is also very clingy and very needy of my whole attention, I sat in a different chair last night instead of next to him on the sofa and he was quiet and sulky saying that it wasn’t right I should be next to him ! I had just worked a 12 hour day and didn’t want to be touched or inappropriately groped as is his way so I sat on my own seat for some space.

He openly ogles other women when I’m with him and makes no bones about it, I find that very belittling to me and my feelings.
He hogs the tv remote and we always watch what he wants or what he thinks I want to watch all the time and describes the things I like as shite .

We had temporarily parted at the end of last year for some of the above reasons but I decided to give it another go at in jan this year.

It never improved he has even grabbed my boobs at a bbq in front of his adult children and their friends when he was tipsy ....needless to say I hate it and it was embarrassing.

Our sex life is pretty poor and I have come to really dislike sex with him as it is just that sex and no emotion or forplay involved. Yuk I feel like I would never bother if I ever had sex again as I just don’t want to be mauled about anymore.

These are some of the red flags that have been waving in my face for a long time and now I can’t carry on with this anymore.

I have asked him this morning for a weeks break from us so I can have some space to sort my feelings out and his only reply to this was
“ I don’t understand any of this “
I explained that I’m having doubts and he never answered as I sent this by txt this morning after I had left him in my house when I went to work.

I have just popped home for lunch and he is not here and neither is his personal stuff so I take it he’s gone back to his own house.

I feel relieved to be getting space but also a shit for letting him down

Please talk some sense into me and any advice would be welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollyalone · 04/09/2019 16:19

Hi just an update

I still haven’t heard a peep from him since my txt Friday morning, and that suits me fine.
I’m just a bit unsure about what happens next as it’s been left hanging in the air so to speak.

I definitely don’t want to go back to being in a relationship with him I. Just relieved, but I’m also disturbed that I allowed myself to be in this situation.

4 weeks ago we went on a 2 week holiday with a big group of people and the night before I was sat on the couch with him next to me and he pulled my dressing gown apart pointed to my bits and said “that’s going to get some abuse for the next 2 weeks”. I was cold inside but felt trapped in the situation
Also whilst away we were having dinner in a restaurant with the group 23 of us when one of the blokes mentioned that he had been telling everyone on the golf course that morning about our sex life and what we had got up to in the swimming pool, everyone was laughing and it made me feel cheap nasty and very disgusting. When I pulled him over it later he just said “ oh dear my bad” and rolled over and went to sleep.

I knew then that I was going to end it when I got home, I feel dirty and shabby that I allowed myself to be in this situation. He also stripped naked in front of everyone (children included) and jumped in the pool he was drunk most nights and swearing all the really foul words at the dinner table it was horrible.

I can’t help feeling disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be with someone like that we are both in our 50’s.

I’m never ever getting into a relationship again ....ever

Thankyou for listening I just had to get all that off my chest as it’s been sitting heavy on my mind and makes me feel I’m to blame for not being stronger and allowing him to get away with it.

OP posts:
Whenaretheholidaysover · 04/09/2019 16:24

That is quite shocking and I understand why you feel disgusted. You are not responsible for his horrible behaviour though and at least you have seen the light now. If he comes back to you grovelling you will be in the right state of mind to not be taken in by him.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 16:32

He sounds absolutely disgusting. Never, ever get taken in by him again.

And you know he'd end up as a complete cocklodger, too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2019 16:34

Molly

"I definitely don’t want to go back to being in a relationship with him I. Just relieved, but I’m also disturbed that I allowed myself to be in this situation".

I think you were targeted by this individual and thankfully you are no longer together. I would consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens aid because such men can and do weaken boundaries (perhaps already weakened by poor behaviour from an ex) even further. Men like you describe can and do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from hence this suggestion.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

FetchezLaVache · 04/09/2019 20:52

Urgh, he sounds just horrible. I bet you feel better without him in your life! Please don't be too hard on yourself, no doubt he reeled you in before he started to show his true colours.

Honeyroar · 04/09/2019 20:59

I'm so glad you binned him. Even from the start of your opening post I thought you sounded generally like you didn't want to be with him, let alone move in with him. From reading your further posts I'm horrified by how he treats you. Disgusting man!!

Malvinaa81 · 04/09/2019 21:12

Don't go back to him, please.

You have escaped. His behaviour was not normal.

You've done the right thing, and good luck to you!

BoredMouse · 04/09/2019 21:51

Is he moving into your house?? Or are you moving in together? Theres a difference.

Your house your rules. Let him find somewhere else the misogynistic pig

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2019 23:56

Don’t dismiss all blokes forever, but definitely get rid of him, he’s abusive and pathetic.

mankyfourthtoe · 05/09/2019 04:22

He is not a catch, try to look back to see how he reeled you in initially.
But please change your locks if you gave him a key.

Robin2323 · 05/09/2019 07:51

Heck
Most blokes aren't like that.
It's a no from me.

Oh Oggling other women and no foreplay - didn't have to read any further.

I'm the first one to say work on the relationship but he has no redeeming qualities.

LTB.

whitebowls · 05/09/2019 08:05

He sounds like everything you don't want in a partner.
You don't need to do anything now. Just let things drift away. He's gone, you're happy and peaceful without him.
If there is some contact from him just say the time apart has given you time to think and the relationship isn't working for you. Keep your dignity.
Thanks

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/09/2019 08:05

It's not 'hanging in the air' , OP - it's over. You don't need his permission to end it!

As pps have said - change the locks if he has a key. If he contacts you, tell him it's over and not to contact you again, then block and delete his number.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 08:11

Jesus, what are you doubt, even having to ask about this. Why were you even contemplating moving this man in, I'm agog you're both in your fifties.

End this. It's disgusting.

fitzbilly · 05/09/2019 10:41

Thank God you have ended this awful relationship! What a disgusting foul man.

Zakana · 05/09/2019 11:44

I can’t believe you are both in your fifties either, he sounds like an incredibly gauche 15 year old! He’ll move onto his next victim soon enough, sounds like he’s addicted!

Ringdonna · 05/09/2019 11:47

Sounds like a typical husband Grin

user1479305498 · 05/09/2019 11:59

classy guy isn't he!!

Lovely OP, this is a bloke that basically just wants 'anyone' who is happy to service him and put up with him. What he said to you in a group of people on holiday was bloody disgusting. Its a good job he wasn't with me, I would have stood up and said I'm afraid that's not happening you utter pig and been making arrangements to go back . Don't be frightened to show someone up. Others there would have thought it inacceptable as well, but too timid to say anything. Stay on your own for a bit , have a laugh, don't rush, plenty of this type of arsehole out there and they don't always show their true colours till their feet are under the table.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2019 12:05

Sounds like he never matured past 14.

Like I said before, I'm also just out of a similar relationship - at first I put it down to him working in a male dominated workplace and , because he'd never had a 'real' relationship before, he just needed to be shown how to act properly.

Wrong. Also found out why he'd never had a real relationship before. Sometimes you can't educate them out of a bad view of women, however hard you try.

Never speak to him again. Block his number, change your locks, if he's left anything at your house put it in bin bags in the garage, send him a text telling him it will be outside your door at X o clock on X date, and then block completely. He is no longer your problem.

PollyTheDolly · 05/09/2019 12:06

Any good points OP?

milliefiori · 05/09/2019 12:10

You don't want to live with him.
You don't have to.
It's that simple.

Wilmalovescake · 05/09/2019 12:13

OP please type all these examples out in an email to yourself, so you can read it if/when he tries to come crawling back.

Honestly reading it has made me recoil and feel a bit sick. You are worth SO much more x

Notcoolmum · 05/09/2019 12:25

He sounds awful and abusive. I'm so glad you are out of this before he moved in. Do save this bread though in case you feel lonely in 4 weeks and you think he'a not that bad. I can't imagine he will leave you alone once he realises you are not going to come running back to him.

Sorry you experienced this.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 05/09/2019 12:28

Don’t feel guilty, celebrate your narrow escape! He sounds vile.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 05/09/2019 12:40

If there were so many red flags and you didn't like his behaviour, why did you agree to move in with him?

Why didn't you just end things? That's a serious question.

I think you'd benefit from doing the Freedom Programme so you can reset your boundaries for future relationships: freedomprogramme.co.uk/