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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked me for help, told him where to go.

80 replies

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 16:28

My ex is going abroad in October with our 2 DC, his GF (of 8 months) and her 2 DC.
Our split was sort of amicable, (I was still devastated, still am in a way) although he had taken me for granted alot through out 15 year relationship and called me some horrible names.

I was a little upset when he told me they were all going away, as we had never been abroad before and he was doing alot of nice things for his GF which he had never done for me.
Anyway, as the months have gone on, I'm getting there; however I told him don't be asking me to help you towards your holiday (as I know what he's like) I've given him half for the kids passports, but that's all.

I start university next month and I have been given a student loan. For the third time now he has asked if I can lend him £400 when I get it and he'll give me £600 back.
I've said no, because it's for the holiday and why the hell should I lend you money for that (he's paying for the whole holiday himself, over £3000) he said it's for bills as work's slowed down a bit. I know his mum's partner has loaned him money to pay the rest of his holiday off.

He says I'm being petty, as our kids are going on holiday so I should think of them, but I think I'm doing the right thing.

Anyway I wanted an outsiders opinion, am I right?

Sorry it's so long

OP posts:
Hirsutefirs · 27/08/2019 16:30

You’re right.

DBML · 27/08/2019 16:31

You’ve said no, that’s it. You’re being perfectly reasonable and have no obligation to pay towards a holiday he’s booked. Forget it now.

stanski · 27/08/2019 16:34

You're right.

DPotter · 27/08/2019 16:35

I think you were more than reasonable to pay half for the passports. Definitely don't go giving him a bean. It was his decision to splash his money about - not yours.

WhatWhyWhen · 27/08/2019 16:36

Fuck that and I rarely swear on here!!

He’s taking a GF away and never did you? You have him half for the passports, do you even need them? Will you be taking them abroad??

Nope no no.

YouJustDoYou · 27/08/2019 16:39

HE"S the one who decided to take them on holiday, even if it were the other way around I'd say you woul dbe cheeky to think the ex should pay towards something YOU had gone ahead and booked. YNBU.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/08/2019 16:40

Nope. It's not up to you to pay his bills, whether it's for the holiday or the leccy bill.

Is his girlfriend contributing to the cost of the holiday? Why isn't he asking her?

If you book holidays you can't actually afford (to show off to new GF), unfortunately this is what happens.

Holymoly0 · 27/08/2019 16:44

You’re right, I wouldn’t either. Especially since he’s booked the holiday for them all and never dreamt of taking you. I think you’ve done your bit by paying for half the passports.

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 16:45

Thank you everyone, means alot! Some time's it's good to get an option from people you don't know, as usually friends or family would often be on your side out of loyalty.

@WhatWhyWhen yeah, we never went abroad. Anytime he had money it usually went on bits for his motorbike Hmm. I'm hoping in a year or 2 I can take them abroad somewhere cheap, so i said I'd go half for the passports.

OP posts:
daisypond · 27/08/2019 16:48

You are right.

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 16:49

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy He said he's paying for the holiday and she is paying for the spends. (It's all inclusive, but I'd imagine you'd still need a fair bit for 10 days) she is a stay at home mum, but I haven't questioned him on how can she afford it.
He gives me £50 a week for the kids, but there have been weeks were he couldn't afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 16:50

That above post is for @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

OP posts:
Unreasonable123 · 27/08/2019 16:53

Don’t give it to him. I don’t even understand why he’s asking you tbh

IncrediblySadToo · 27/08/2019 16:55

He’s a CF

NO was the only sane answer - fuck off would have been spot on too!

He’s a twat boring money to impress his new GF it has nothing to do with your DC & if the new GF has any sense she’ll soon see through him! Hope your DC aren’t getting too attached to her because I hope she dumps his stupid arse too!

I understand that no matter how much common sense tells you you’re better off without them, it still hurts. But seriously, you ARE better off without this muppet. I’m sure you have lots of other examples to back up your little voice reassuring you you’re better off without this idiot!

msmith501 · 27/08/2019 17:00

How can he impress his new girlfriend on holiday if you as his ex doesn't pay his bills for him. You are being very unreasonable and should have a rethink. For example, there may be times in the month when she's not feeling like making love with him and you really should step up to the plate and volunteer. Washing, laundry and maybe a weekly big shop for him?

..... all tongue in cheek obviously (and not his)

nothanksbyenow · 27/08/2019 17:02

He needs to work it out with his new gf if he’s having trouble, and contribute to the spends nearer the time if that’s what it takes.
He didn’t think HIS finances through for something that doesn’t include you, on what planet is it ok to ask you for help for that? Meeting him halfway with the passports is fair, subbing him for costs is not.

MoaningMinnie1 · 27/08/2019 17:06

You're not being petty, Chicken. He has to learn to manage his finances just as you do. If he wanted to borrow £50 or £100 until payday it would be different but what he is asking is for quite a lot more. Why can his girlfriend not contribute to the cost of the holiday?

Stick to your guns.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2019 17:12

Git has a cheek going on holiday in the first place when he doesn't even manage to keep up with his child support some weeks.

I guess paying half the passports is fair if you intend to use them with the kids too. Can you be sure he will give you them though?

Not another penny towards him anyway that's for sure. He has a cheek asking you for money, wtf does he think you are, a bank?!

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 17:13

@IncrediblySadToo yep he is a CF. I still have rough days, but I absolutely know I'm better off without him. I know for a fact I'd have never done my access course or even thought about uni if we were still together, so I'm proud that I have actually done it.
He only booked the holiday in June on the Direct Debit thing, so was paying £600 per month for it.
I told him, it's hard to feel sorry for you when you've just paid for a £3000 holiday Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 17:14

@MoaningMinnie1 I asked him that and he said, she can't afford it....hmmm ok.
I'm absolutely not backing down

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2019 17:16

He should be embarrassed asking you for money Shock

Moondancer73 · 27/08/2019 17:17

Totally right in not giving him anything towards it, if he wants to show off then let him pay. I'd be going to the csa for regular maintainable too if it was me - if he is in a position to pay £600 a month for a holiday then he should be capable of supporting his children, not doing that isa dick move

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 17:18

@Pinkbonbon ya I know he will give me the passports once he's back, as he's terrible for losing things, where as I will keep them safe.
Our relationship when it comes to the kids, is pretty good. I've never stopped him taking them out, they even stay at his GF house, which he did ask me first, which I know he didn't have to so he's good in that sense.

OP posts:
Jesaminecollins · 27/08/2019 17:20

Tell him to sling his hook

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 17:23

Thanks everyone. The money I'm getting next month is basically going towards a cheap car to get me to uni and my placements and the rest is going to be saved, as both of the DC's birthdays are October and November and then Christmas Shock. I'll also be working one night shift per week at the hospital to help towards bills and food.
He thinks he's giving me a good deal as he'd be giving me and extra £200, but I've told him it ain't happening, you booked the holiday, you and your GF deal with the finances.

OP posts: