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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked me for help, told him where to go.

80 replies

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 27/08/2019 16:28

My ex is going abroad in October with our 2 DC, his GF (of 8 months) and her 2 DC.
Our split was sort of amicable, (I was still devastated, still am in a way) although he had taken me for granted alot through out 15 year relationship and called me some horrible names.

I was a little upset when he told me they were all going away, as we had never been abroad before and he was doing alot of nice things for his GF which he had never done for me.
Anyway, as the months have gone on, I'm getting there; however I told him don't be asking me to help you towards your holiday (as I know what he's like) I've given him half for the kids passports, but that's all.

I start university next month and I have been given a student loan. For the third time now he has asked if I can lend him £400 when I get it and he'll give me £600 back.
I've said no, because it's for the holiday and why the hell should I lend you money for that (he's paying for the whole holiday himself, over £3000) he said it's for bills as work's slowed down a bit. I know his mum's partner has loaned him money to pay the rest of his holiday off.

He says I'm being petty, as our kids are going on holiday so I should think of them, but I think I'm doing the right thing.

Anyway I wanted an outsiders opinion, am I right?

Sorry it's so long

OP posts:
PonderingPanda · 29/08/2019 16:22

What an absolute dick!! Think he's forgotten that you have split up and you don't have any loyalty to him anymore.

Look after yourself and let him sort himself out

Cambionome · 29/08/2019 16:22

Well done for standing your ground, op.

DottyScarf · 29/08/2019 16:23

Tell him nothing else about your life. Get a strong box for correspondence and hide it under the bed if he comes around regularly. Do not tell him where or when you are working beyond a need to know because if the children.

He will have other options. He’s desperate (to impress the girlfriend) yes, or he wouldn’t be asking you and taking the stick you’re giving him, he knows you have the money because he snooped, but the fact he is hinting that the children won’t get to go because of you is disgusting. Also, he will be going because the gf needs impressing, so he’ll find the money somewhere or admit to her and she will.

None of this is your fault or your problem.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 29/08/2019 16:39

Yanbu @ChickenTikka btw I've always thought those were the lyrics to that song you've took your user name from lol

beenwhereyouare · 29/08/2019 17:19

Idiot.
I hope you told him to get started on that time machine! 😂

Hidingtonothing · 29/08/2019 17:31

He booked the holiday, he told the kids and he will be solely responsible for their disappointment if it goes tits up. That's the bed he made and it's absolutely not your job to save him from it. Maybe it will teach him to only promise things he can actually afford in future. And yes, get that CMS claim in the second he comes with 'I can't afford it this week' over maintenance for the DC. Well done for having good enough boundaries to know this isn't on Flowers

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 17:37

That's terrible. I can't believe hr is trying to get you to pay for his holiday. It's beyond shocking. Thr man has no decency, to try to use you like that.

Keep saying no, he made this bed, make him lie in it. Don't give him your money so he can impress his new partner. That's crazy.

ChristmasFluff · 29/08/2019 18:24

Do not lend him any money, ever. Not £4, and certainly not £400.

I cannot believe the cheekiness of the fucker.

SandyY2K · 29/08/2019 18:30

He's mad. Why book a holiday you can't afford.

You're 100% right. He's decided to take them away, so let him pay.

He's lucky you paid for half the passport money.

Absolute cheek of him. No shame or pride.

You're well rid and you have a good head on your shoulders.

Good luck with Uni.

chamenanged · 29/08/2019 18:38

Does he not realise that you already financially subsidise him on a literally constant basis? Or does he think £50 a week, except the weeks where he can't afford it, from each of you is all his two children cost?

I would be amazed if this credit union loan of his girlfriend's didn't mean a few more weeks ahead where he can't afford maintenance.

TowelNumber42 · 29/08/2019 18:40

You know far far too much about his finances. Stop engaging in any conversation about his finances at all. Get onto CMS to set up the maintence payments formally. Refuse point blank to discuss money with him at all. Walk away or hang up if tries to tell you about his financial situation. It is nothing to do with you now he is your ex. The finances of his girlfriend are even less to do with you. Shut it down.

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 29/08/2019 18:45

Thank you everyone! It's actually liberating knowing that I'm absolutely right.
If he asks again (which he 100% will) I'm gonna shit down the conversation straight away.

OP posts:
FogCutter · 29/08/2019 19:00

shit down the conversation

😂 he would deserve that tbh!

FazakerlyJackie · 29/08/2019 19:02

Good for you. Great that you are going to University, be proud of yourself.
And yes, go to CMS re the maintenance.

AMAM8916 · 29/08/2019 19:22

You did the right thing, what a cheeky git. You did the right thing and paid for half of the passports as you may use them in future if you take your kids on holiday but paying even a penny towards the actual holiday is not your job or lending him money at all

DPotter · 29/08/2019 22:54

If he doesn’t apply soon for the passports he won’t get them back in time, so make sure you get back the money you paid him!

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 30/08/2019 03:48

@PrincessHoneysuckle haha I always sing the song using them words 🤣🤣

@beenwhereyouare I actually did say that to him and he didn't say anything back, twunt! 🤣

@SandyY2K thank you 😊

@TowelNumber42 yep, from now on any conversation about his finances or mine will not be discussed. @FazakerlyJackie He's self employed, so I'm not sure how it would work with child support.

@FogCutter 🤣 I think this would be the one and only way he'd never mention it again!!

@AMAM8916 I know it's insulting to be honest. I hadn't really spoken to family or friends about, but I asked his sister and she said near enough everything said on here.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 30/08/2019 05:21

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong
I actually did say that to him and he didn't say anything back, twunt! 🤣

😂😂😂

JingsMahBucket · 30/08/2019 05:36

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong if he’s self-employed, I’d get started on that CMS claim now before they even leave for holiday. You’ll have easier access to claiming he had the money to pay more but squandered it on a useless holiday if you start procedures now. Don’t delay. He’ll find ways to fake his income after returning from holiday because he’ll be hard pressed for cash.

tribpot · 30/08/2019 05:56

It sounds like he's already spent that money you gave him for the passports. I don't think this holiday is going to happen.

I think he will ramp up the pressure as he gets more desperate. You need to not engage with him at all. No need to point out he's doing it to impress his new gf, these are just ways he can get the conversation open again.

And I agree with a previous poster, if you can't stop him coming into your house, all financial correspondence, bank cards etc need to be locked away. I would run a credit check to make sure he hasn't taken out any loans in your name. That would seem to be where he's headed now noone will lend him money.

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 30/08/2019 06:32

@JingsMahBucket yeah I will do that, thank you.

@tribpot yep he's definitely spent it, but that's not my problem now I gave him the money he will have to find that £50 again.
He will still ask, I know him so well, but he thinks he's being reasonable as he will give me it back, which I know he would, but under these circumstances I'm not lending him anything at all.
I think at the last minute he will either get it off his mum's partner again or his gf will manage to get it.
Any conversation he tries to have will be shut down straight away and he'll be told that him.and his GF need to deal with it as it's got nothing to do with me, which it actually hasn't!! Other then taking our boys, it's none of my business.
Yep everything will be getting locked away. He could try and get a loan in my name, but my credit isn't the best, so it would get denied.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/08/2019 07:25

Simple response to him, is you haven't got any money to lend him.

It doesn't help or it's not worth getting nasty about, because you never know if you'll need his help in the future... so a simple " I don't have it" is enough... then end it change the conversation. He's going to be in your life for a long time yet, with the age of your DC..so being as amicable as possible is best.

He doesn't really have any business asking about your SL money.

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 30/08/2019 07:36

@SandyY2K Apart from this, we're still good friends, we talk alot about the boys and general chit chat. I know he'd always be there for me, and if he didn't have a holiday coming up and asked to lend money as he was struggling, I would have lent him it, as he does give me it back. But this is just overstepping the mark, as I'd basically be paying the remainder of the holiday that includes paying for his GF and her kids.
I haven't got nothing against his GF as I've met her and she seemed nice and the kids like her, but I'm sure if she was a decent person who found out her partner had asked his ex for money, she'd probably feel embarrassed.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 30/08/2019 08:49

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong
Apart from this, we're still good friends, we talk alot about the boys and general chit chat. I know he'd always be there for me, and if he didn't have a holiday coming up and asked to lend money as he was struggling, I would have lent him it, as he does give me it back.

I highly suggest you stop this line of thinking now. A good friend doesn’t try to manipulate you into using your student loan to pay for their ill-planned holiday. I have a feeling if you were up shit’s creek and needed a chunk of money that he may not be so forthcoming with the funds, especially if he has a girlfriend in the picture. (I don’t mean this particular current girlfriend but any woman he’s trying to impress with money.)

You likely can’t rely on him, which is maybe one of the reasons you’re apart now. Try to draw a boundary around yourself, which you’re doing pretty well so far. :)

Original poster
ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong · 30/08/2019 09:02

@JingsMahBucket Yep I think I'm gonna step right back now and just communicate when it's about the kids. He's just taking the piss out of me, especially as I found it so hard when they first got together and then feeling back to square one when I found out they were going away, all of which he knows.
I'm so glad I asked this question on here, as I feel so much stronger and know I absolutely will not give him a penny.

OP posts:
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