Divorcing man wants to keep relationship secret until divorce is finalised

[LeilaLou]

Hi all, I am a fairly regular poster on several boards but keep NCing to ensure privacy.

I have been dating a man going through a divorce for 4 months. He split from his wife 4 months prior to meeting me and started divorce proceedings 2 months ago. They had an amicable split and share the custody of their DC. Things between us are very good and so far it feels like the relationship has potential.

His STBXW doesn't know he has been dating and met someone. He is terrified that if she finds our before the financial and child custody arrangements are signed off, that will throw a bomb in an otherwise relatively amicable separation. He was the one of initiated the separation, so he thinks she would assume he left her for an OW (not the case at all). For that reason, he is adamant she can't find out yet before that stage of the divorce is done, which hopefully will happen in 4/5 months from now. He thinks by January/ February things should be settled enough to let her know he has met someone.

The issue is that we live in a small city and we both have large social circles, so going out together for dates, dinners and activities is not an option, as someone his STBXW knows would likely see us at some point and then she would find out through gossip. So far we have managed just fine with date nights at his place or my place, chilling in the garden, we had the occasional meal in a nearby town. He explained his situation to me on our first date, so I technically knew what I was getting into.

While I totally understand his situation and have been very understanding, I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this setting. We talked about it recently and he admitted that he also can't wait to be able to go our freely with me and take me out with his friends/ come out with mine, but he is too scared to jeopardize his divorce and mess things up for his DC, which I'd never want to happen either.

I am genuinely a bit torn and wonder what I should do in this situation. I really like him and we have a great time when we are together, I'd be really sad to end things now if it came to that.

What do you wise mumsnetters think? What would you do?

I think if you really like him it’s only 4 months until January. Go out more to the other town in the meantime.

I wouldn't do that, I tend to think 'dating' is an outside activity.

It's on the wrong edge of 'booty call' for me just hanging around at home.

My advice which is heavily biased as I'm an ex wife, is that you only have his word that this split is amicable. He has jumped into another relationship really quickly which may point to insecurity, immaturity and an inability to reflect on his emotions and actions which does not bode well for the future. So he didn't get what he wanted or thought he deserved first time so he jumps ship and demands secrecy at the beginning of another relationship.

It would be sensible to cool this until the divorce has gone through. If he is a genuinely good man he will agree. If he is a selfish man child he won't and you are better off out of it.

I am biased though.

Have you seen any 'evidence' that he is actually divorcing his wife and that you aren't just the OW OP?

I would tell him to give me a call when his divorce is done.

To start cba with the sneaking around. Second there’s a strong chance he’s on the rebound. Third as you say you risk the assumption of ow and causing trouble.

Let the dust settle with the divorce. If your feelings are genuine you will both manage to wait 6m. Then you can start a real relationship with none of this drama.

He can't have a relationship right now. End it and if you are right for each other you can resume again in January.

Sneaking around doesn't feel good and gets tiresome very very quickly.

Run away and run fast. I was just with a guy who was supposed to divorce his wife (nothing to do with me they'd been apart for sometime before me). She found out about me, said didnt I know he was married at which point I told him not to contact me again. Its just not worth the agg sometimes.

Hi all, yes I have briefly seen the divorce papers as I have a legal background and he asked me to clarify one point he didn't understand properly. On top of that I have been to his place many times, during weekends and week nights. it is clearly only his (bills and doorbell in his name only, zero signs of a woman living there).

You have to wait until after Christmas to be able to go out together and in the meantime are stuck in the house? No I would not be happy with that. What if the divorce takes longer?

He got into a relationship with you very quickly after leaving his wife. I would be worried I was a rebound fling tbh.

It's very convenient for him not having to take you out anywhere, but gets to have a shag.

I would tell him to get back in touch with you when the divorce has been finalised.

I wouldn't want to be anyone's dirty little secret tbh.

Why would his wife finding out affect the financial arrangements? If it affected custody arrangements couldn't he just go to court?

I don't like the idea of all the secrecy and I wouldn't be prepared to do it. It just makes me think of dishonesty and that he at least has the potential to lie easily even if only by omission. Be prepared for the same in your future relationship.

I can't understand why now, 8 months after leaving his wife, he can't just tell her that he's met someone. She will probably be upset at how soon it is but as you are not the OW the neither of you have done anything wrong. Do you mean that technically, as they are still married, she could divorce him on the grounds of adultery with you?

Screw that, tell him to get back to you when his divorce is final. If you don’t want to be someone’s dirty secret, don’t agree to be one.

All sounds very quick and rushed. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so soon after a separation and going through a divorce.

Can't be seen with you, but can have sex with you.

No.

He doesn't get to pick and choose parts of a relationship according to what suits him, even temporarily. A relationship is a relationship - your partner deserves all parts of it. Dont be anybody's secret - ever.

If he's so keen and genuine, he can get back to you when his divorce is through. He shouldn't be asking anyone to do this. He shouldn't have been dating in the first place if he had to ask someone to do this. It's selfish, inconsiderate, I'll mannered and actually disrespectful.

Why so so many women always feel they have to be "understanding". Socialisation?

Being understanding always seems to lead to them being treated as 'less than'.

He’s not ready for a proper relationship. And that is fair enough at such an early stage after his break up. So rather than continue this creeping around, you should just pause and start up again in Jan when he is ready. I get that that is easier said than done. But I wouldn’t be happy with the status quo at all. The early part of a relationship is all about going out, having fun, meeting each other’s friends, as far as I’m concerned. Not staying in and watching Netflix.

He is divorcing her but most likely lied about the timescales and indeed was still with her, albeit through troubles times, when you got together.

What reason are thry giving for the disoolving of the marriage. As its under 2 years, there must be a fault accepted by one. I expect she agreed on unreasonable behaviour or possibly adultery but if she finds out he was with you when not offcisllybsepersted, she'll throw it back at him and demand that the fault is shifted on to him. He is not telling you the whole truth.

”If it affected custody arrangements couldn't he just go to court?”

Says someone who’s clearly never had to “just” go to court over custody issues.

It’s incredibly expensive and she could very easily stop him seeing the DC whilst he waits (months) for a court hearing with a vanishingly small chance of the court taking any punitive measures against her actions.

And of course she could start dicking around with the finances / divorce proceedings. She could drag her heels on responding to questions, tear up what they’ve agreed to date on the finances, do the same on whatever split they’ve agreed for the DC etc etc.

It could get very messy and very expensive very quickly. He’s right, IMO, to be cautious.

No way would I be somebody's secret. I honestly couldn't sneak around with a married man like this, regardless of whether he was separated or not.

This could easily drag on for longer than another four or five months. Do you really want to be hiding away for a year or more?

What @GilbertMarkham said.

I agree he’s right to be cautious as he wants a straightforward divorce but what he’s asking of you is not fair.

Also the way you are conducting your relationship is not real life. You could waste a year stuck in the house and garden not daring to go out and then he/you decide it’s not going to work out after all when you start doing normal things.

I’d err on the side of believing him if he’s given you no reason so far to doubt him. I’d be respectful of the fact he’s not wanting to jeopardise any potential contact with his children.

People, male and female, can absolutely turn feral upon learning their ex has moved on and begin using children as pawns. It happens all the times.

If you’re comfortable with the current situation and timeline, then go with it and reassess in a few months if needed?

I would end it with a view to getting back together once divorce is finalised.

Hmm. It's awfully soon for him to be taking on another 'serious' relationship. We'd tell a woman who asked to have a break, some time being single.
See your relationship with him as light entertainment. There's time to get serious when he's sorted out his life and had time to be himself.

Have some self respect and walk away OP! If he had genuine feelings for you, he would not be expecting you to put up with this charade. Walk away until he is ready for a real relationship. I can’t believe he expects you to be OK in facilitating his lies? He sounds extremely self-centred.

Swingofthings Marriage failed after 3 years of unhappiness from both parties, they did couple and individual counseling for years and tried very hard to make it work for the kids. Eventually he decided he was done trying and that they would be better off apart, she would have kept trying but in the end she agreed that splitting was for the best.

We don't live in the UK, here you can file for no fault divorce 6 months after physical separation.