Divorcing man wants to keep relationship secret until divorce is finalised

[LeilaLou]

Hi all, I am a fairly regular poster on several boards but keep NCing to ensure privacy.

I have been dating a man going through a divorce for 4 months. He split from his wife 4 months prior to meeting me and started divorce proceedings 2 months ago. They had an amicable split and share the custody of their DC. Things between us are very good and so far it feels like the relationship has potential.

His STBXW doesn't know he has been dating and met someone. He is terrified that if she finds our before the financial and child custody arrangements are signed off, that will throw a bomb in an otherwise relatively amicable separation. He was the one of initiated the separation, so he thinks she would assume he left her for an OW (not the case at all). For that reason, he is adamant she can't find out yet before that stage of the divorce is done, which hopefully will happen in 4/5 months from now. He thinks by January/ February things should be settled enough to let her know he has met someone.

The issue is that we live in a small city and we both have large social circles, so going out together for dates, dinners and activities is not an option, as someone his STBXW knows would likely see us at some point and then she would find out through gossip. So far we have managed just fine with date nights at his place or my place, chilling in the garden, we had the occasional meal in a nearby town. He explained his situation to me on our first date, so I technically knew what I was getting into.

While I totally understand his situation and have been very understanding, I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this setting. We talked about it recently and he admitted that he also can't wait to be able to go our freely with me and take me out with his friends/ come out with mine, but he is too scared to jeopardize his divorce and mess things up for his DC, which I'd never want to happen either.

I am genuinely a bit torn and wonder what I should do in this situation. I really like him and we have a great time when we are together, I'd be really sad to end things now if it came to that.

What do you wise mumsnetters think? What would you do?

*Can you imagine the genders being reversed?

A woman meeting a man on the first date and saying you will have to be a secret. It just wouldn't happen*

I don’t need to imagine it, it does happen.

Best case scenario it’s considerate to keep a new relationship quiet until a divorce is finalised. Divorces can take a while, even if amicable, and parties do move on. It’s understandable that someone, male or female, doesn’t want to parade their new partner around before the documents are signed. To start, it can be hurtful, second it’s not unknown for exes to find out, suddenly shit gets real and the divorce is no longer amicable.

Worst case is they’re a cheating shit spinning tales of how their partner doesn't understand them, and of course they’re getting a divorce, they’ve just agreed they need to get dc through gsce’s/wait til mil’s chemo is over/the cat gets it’s diagnosis. But women are absolutely capable of affairs, i know several.

Start as you mean to go on. Don’t subscribe to a dynamic that requires you to be a party to someone else’s lie (however noble the lie is painted out to be). You have no idea how long this is going to drag on for and his ability to de-compartmentalise where he’s being vocal to his friends about you but you have to hide, is worrying.

I can imagine the divorce finally going through and even more time passing before you meet his children/ intersect with another significant part of his life because the lie of you ‘just’ getting together needs to be maintained.

What are your values and are you willing to compromise them to enable someone else to lower theirs?

If he’s great now he’ll be great in six months time.

Just be discreet, I'm seeing a guy but my divorce won't be final for nearly 2 years, not my fault my h decided to end our marriage, why shouldn't separated people date. But I'm very discreet, I don't want to bump into people I know when it's not even serious yet!

Plus 4 months of dating isn't that long of a time, I really don't see the massive issue with this tbh.

@category12 I have no experience on these issues, so I may be wrong. I just assumed that once everyone knows about the relationship, the DC will end up knowing who the girlfriend is, which sounds to me not very good.
I would probably want to keep a new relationship discreet for some time. But each to their own.

Hi
Just wondering if you are still together? I am sort of in the same position but got seen out by someone. He told his DC who then told his ex wife. She is angry and thinks he didn’t want her to know as he was trying to finically “screw” her over. It has now got nasty between them And she has told him that he is being unfair on the DC whilst they are having to come to terms with new life. The ex and children need to move home with the divorce, so yet more delay. We kept it secret for a year and in that time she asked him to try again but was the one who had an affair!!! We met a year after he moved out so similar situation to yours

Lots of good advice above. If the divorce does go through and you are then ‘allowed’ to be seen in public I assume he will want to police what you say to family/friends about how long you’ve been together ? How will you feel when friends are told ‘this is x we’ve actually been together for a year but have been keeping it secret from everyone’ or ‘this is x we’ve just met a few weeks ago’.

This doesn’t sound good either now or in the future.

Good luck op.