Divorcing man wants to keep relationship secret until divorce is finalised

[LeilaLou]

Hi all, I am a fairly regular poster on several boards but keep NCing to ensure privacy.

I have been dating a man going through a divorce for 4 months. He split from his wife 4 months prior to meeting me and started divorce proceedings 2 months ago. They had an amicable split and share the custody of their DC. Things between us are very good and so far it feels like the relationship has potential.

His STBXW doesn't know he has been dating and met someone. He is terrified that if she finds our before the financial and child custody arrangements are signed off, that will throw a bomb in an otherwise relatively amicable separation. He was the one of initiated the separation, so he thinks she would assume he left her for an OW (not the case at all). For that reason, he is adamant she can't find out yet before that stage of the divorce is done, which hopefully will happen in 4/5 months from now. He thinks by January/ February things should be settled enough to let her know he has met someone.

The issue is that we live in a small city and we both have large social circles, so going out together for dates, dinners and activities is not an option, as someone his STBXW knows would likely see us at some point and then she would find out through gossip. So far we have managed just fine with date nights at his place or my place, chilling in the garden, we had the occasional meal in a nearby town. He explained his situation to me on our first date, so I technically knew what I was getting into.

While I totally understand his situation and have been very understanding, I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this setting. We talked about it recently and he admitted that he also can't wait to be able to go our freely with me and take me out with his friends/ come out with mine, but he is too scared to jeopardize his divorce and mess things up for his DC, which I'd never want to happen either.

I am genuinely a bit torn and wonder what I should do in this situation. I really like him and we have a great time when we are together, I'd be really sad to end things now if it came to that.

What do you wise mumsnetters think? What would you do?

Walk away. He's not emotionally available so soon into divorce proceedings. His kids are just getting used to their parents being apart. He hasn't had time to reflect on his marriage and move on mentally. I also suspect he has not been honest about the timings otherwise he wouldn't be so worried about his wife finding out.

My divorce took 5 years with no house to sell or any other assets. Partially due to solicitor incompetence but mainly due to my exH lying about everything and delaying everything by doing so. I was told it would take 6 months!

*@PaterPower
"Says someone who’s clearly never had to “just” go to court over custody issues."
Sorry Pater, you are right. It came from a place of ignorance and naivety. I also assumed finances weren't just agreed by the 2 of you.

No way. Just tell him no! You're worth much more than that!

I'd love to hear the other side of what he's told you. I bet they're still sleeping together. To go to extreme lengths to make sure he's not seen with you is ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

A man who is so sneaky & dishonest in the aim of screwing his wife financially over a divorce certainly wouldn't be appealing to me, at all!! If you end up marrying him, remember this.

Jumping to the conclusion that he wants to "screw his wife financially" is a bit unwarranted in my opinion. He doesn't want the split to become acrimonious which would make all negotiations difficult, and would have a very negative impact on the DC in general.

I do understand his point of view and the reasons behind his decision to keep the relationship under wraps, I just don't know if I want to put up with the current situation for another 5/6 months.

I see you are not in the Uk. Is he worried that his wife will cite adultery as grounds for divorce ? Could this affect the settlement ?

This is really simple but perhaps not easy.

he is adamant she can't find out yet before that stage of the divorce is done,

You say to him fair enough, goodbye and come back when you are ready.

Then, put all your energy into enjoying life without him. Don't let your self look back on what might have been.

If he does show up again, when is is divorced, you can think carefully what to do.

I agree with PP, don't just get stuck at home as his dirty little secret. If you want to share your life, do it with some one who is in a position to be proud of the role you play in their life.

You’re basically his effort free emotional crutch. He gets to bang you, spend zero money on wining or dining you and he also gets free marriage counselling. What are you getting out of this situation? Tell him to give you a call when he’s a free agent. A friend of mine went through this, exactly the same. She wasted 3 years of her life hanging around. There was always something. She’s now very happily married to somebody else who was available and keen. Don’t be a rebound.

So you’re a booty call who wants to evolve into a proper relationship but he has reasons why that’s not possible right now? Ok. Tell him you’ll see him again when he’s able to take you out properly.

I do understand his point of view and the reasons behind his decision to keep the relationship under wraps

Here's a piece of advice for this situation (and in general) op - be less understanding - look out for yourself more.

I'm sure he seems very lovely and you want to be with him, but what he's asking you to do is unfair. It's not kosher.

Accept this and there'll always be a uneven dynamic in the relationship, with you being 'accepting' and 'understanding'.

He clearly shouldn't even be dating.

If you stop seeing him (temporarily) and he moves on to someone else between now and this stage of his divorce going through; you'll know exactly how much you mean to him.

Oh and I also think this will drag on past this stage of the divorce, next it will be "cant risk damaging access arrangements/good will" etc etc.

Oh and I also think this will drag on past this stage of the divorce, next it will be "cant risk damaging access arrangements/good will" etc etc

I agree. It’s will be that the ex has taken the divorce badly or his child has exams in school and he doesn’t want to upset them. Then his ex’s mother will become ill and it won’t be a good time to break the news to her.

Maybe this man should have a bit more respect for his recently broken up marriage and family .. and himself for that matter; and give himself the time to divorce cleanly, recover, take stock, establish the new setup with his kids (who are innocent victims here) etc etc - without getting into a new relationship, that he can't even conduct openly and honestly, behind all their backs.

You presumably like and respect him, but if you consider the above .. perhaps you should temper that respect a bit, and question whether you have rose tinted glasses on.

I can hear the rebound from here. I wouldnt trust anyone to go from one long term relationship and straight into another.
I think you are a great distraction for him from the stress of a marriage breakdown. Basically he's saying can we just shag, no romantic date nights, no courting? And all to protect his ex wifes feelings??????

She's not his ex wife though.

That's part of the problem.

I'm going against the grain and say if you like him and think it has potential, I'd carry on for now. It's not long to wait in the grand scheme of things. DP and I got together quickly after splits, we are just rebounding and we had to keep things low key for a while. Yes it was frustrating, but totally worth it for a good man. Now we are past that I couldn't be happier with him.

I understand where he's coming from. I didn't start dating until we had been split a year because I didn't want anyone accusing me of cheating. I don't think another 4 months is a big deal - maybe do weekends away etc to make it more exciting. Tell him that once his divorce is through then you do want it to be out in the open.

He is divorcing her but most likely lied about the timescales and indeed was still with her, albeit through troubles times, when you got together.

Quite.
I would believe those timescales only if they were agreed by his wife. Which, I suspect, they wouldn't be.

I think there’s a difference between keeping your relationship secret and being discreet. I could handle discreet but not secret.

I think he’s being a bit naive about his ex as if you do bring your relationship in the open, she will find out eventually. I think she’s more likely to assume you are the OW if she finds out after the divorce. How long after it’s finalised does he expect you to wait to make it less suspicious? A week, a month?

My DB is on wife number 3 having met them all while he was with the previous wife. He lied and made out he’d met them after the divorces but each time he or she have tripped up and got their timelines/anniversaries wrong. It always comes out. And if your social circles overlap, she’ll hear all about it. It just makes you look like you’re doing something wrong when according to his version, they’d already split.

I would either end it now or tell him that you want to take a break until after the divorce is dealt with. You’re missing the honeymoon period of the relationship and I don’t think that’s fair to you.

Tell him that once his divorce is through then you do want it to be out in the open.

Once the dynamic of you staying hidden to keep the peace, it will very likely continue. Til the DC start school, til they have done GCSE there will always be something which may be given priority over you.

Meanwhile, you are indicating that you are ok with this.

Telling him to come back when he is ready takes your power back.

Oh, now just caught up with the thread and see that PPs has made an excellent point

You’re missing the honeymoon period of the relationship and I don’t think that’s fair to you.

I'm very sorry, you would not be the first person to hang around only for him to be swept away by someone when/if his divorce comes through.

Can I ask how you met him and came to be seeing him?

I think this could be the clue to his intentions. It seems strange that he started dating you and yet is now saying he can't be public with it.

I would wait till New Year and no more

You're a booty call. Don't go along with it if you want more.

I had a brief relationship a bit like this OP, he was getting divorced (and subsequently did), no children involved, we did go out in London, we both worked there.

It was only when we decided to go to Rome for the weekend and he refused to sit with me in the airport and on the plane 😳😳 because there was a group of people that had been mutual friends with him and his STBXW that I realised he was a spineless prat.

This was 22 years ago, I was 28. I ditched him after baggage reclaim in Rome and never saw him again apart from occasionally bumping into him at work things for the next six years.

Life is so short.

I would say don’t put up with the situation for the next 6 months.

Don’t be treated as a secret, as if you’re doing something wrong. It’s not good for you. It will set all the wrong precedents in your relationship.
Tell him to get back in touch when the divorce is sorted. He could do with the time to sort himself out. He is not respecting you.

I was thinking exactly same as stormsurfer

If you met online or in any contrived manner then that is a massive red flag about his intentions (i.e. he wants regular sex but no other commitment)

If you met in a more organic way (through work or mutual friends for example) then I'd have more sympathy for his situation