Divorcing man wants to keep relationship secret until divorce is finalised

[LeilaLou]

Hi all, I am a fairly regular poster on several boards but keep NCing to ensure privacy.

I have been dating a man going through a divorce for 4 months. He split from his wife 4 months prior to meeting me and started divorce proceedings 2 months ago. They had an amicable split and share the custody of their DC. Things between us are very good and so far it feels like the relationship has potential.

His STBXW doesn't know he has been dating and met someone. He is terrified that if she finds our before the financial and child custody arrangements are signed off, that will throw a bomb in an otherwise relatively amicable separation. He was the one of initiated the separation, so he thinks she would assume he left her for an OW (not the case at all). For that reason, he is adamant she can't find out yet before that stage of the divorce is done, which hopefully will happen in 4/5 months from now. He thinks by January/ February things should be settled enough to let her know he has met someone.

The issue is that we live in a small city and we both have large social circles, so going out together for dates, dinners and activities is not an option, as someone his STBXW knows would likely see us at some point and then she would find out through gossip. So far we have managed just fine with date nights at his place or my place, chilling in the garden, we had the occasional meal in a nearby town. He explained his situation to me on our first date, so I technically knew what I was getting into.

While I totally understand his situation and have been very understanding, I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this setting. We talked about it recently and he admitted that he also can't wait to be able to go our freely with me and take me out with his friends/ come out with mine, but he is too scared to jeopardize his divorce and mess things up for his DC, which I'd never want to happen either.

I am genuinely a bit torn and wonder what I should do in this situation. I really like him and we have a great time when we are together, I'd be really sad to end things now if it came to that.

What do you wise mumsnetters think? What would you do?

Hi all, just answering a couple of questions that have popped up in the replies:

• We met through work, we had been very vaguely knowing each other as distant colleagues for a couple of years, then bumped into each other in a bar with a group of colleagues and talked properly for the first time.

• I genuinely think he means well and has feelings for me. Well he is quite vocal about his feelings actually. A few of his closest friends know about me and I have briefly met them at a musical festival that I attended with other people. It was very obvious they knew about him and me, they even joked about how smitten he was with me. I am usually not a naive person at all, and initially I assumed the worst about the situation and held back a lot.

Overtime though I came to realise that he is a good person that generally has good intentions. I wouldn't even consider doing this whole dating in secret thing if I didn't think the relationship has potential.

• However, I am acutely aware of the risk of him being potentially a pushover in the future about our relationship whenever STBXW is involved. I can see how he might have good intentions, but still end up doing a crap job at handling a new relationship because of his wider circumstances.

• I am also acutely aware of the risk of being a rebound, even though so far he has given me no signs of that. He makes time for me, he is supportive, present, caring. Obviously we do have sex when we are together, but we also talk loads as usually we spend entire days at mine/ his when he doesn't have the DC. Some PPs say that this was just a FWB situation, and that is not the case at all.

It may not feel like a booty call situation, but effectively it is what it is. The intimacy of talking afterwards etc (do you think fwbs don't do that? They do. It can fulfil an emotional need as well as sexual) doesn't take away from the fact that you're missing out on the proper relationship stuff and have just gone into nights in & sex.

You won't be able to reset the parameters of the relationship later on. There's no effort and it's a low bar for the future.

I should add that we have also been on a couple of day trips to nearby cities and are planning a weekend away for the Autumn, so it is technically not homebound dating only.

What is going to happen when the divorce finally comes through? He’s not suddenly going to announce you are a couple the day after is he? He’s still going to be cautious and want to find the right time. I would be concerned it is going to be pushed back and back until you have been together a couple of years but still not moved forward.

Hoodie his plan currently is finalising and signing off financial and custody agreement during the Autumn, while giving everybody some more time to get used to new schedule and arrangement, and process the change.

Around Jan/ Feb it will have been a year since the separation, so he reckons that is a reasonable time frame to let his STBXW know he is dating again.

It goes without saying that his DC will not be told or involved in his dating for the foreseeable future and I would expect nothing less. We will always be cautious of not hanging out in places where we might bump into his DC. The issue is mostly with his STBXW as she might found out he is dating through mutual acquaintances and that wouldn't be ideal.

I told him that Jan/ Feb is the absolute latest I can agree to this situation, so he is aware of the fact that this can't go on forever and that I won't stick around waiting until the end of time.

Why is your bar so low? Why are you accepting this excuse of a relationship? He's made it very clear that his wife's feelings come first. No matter when she finds out their relationship is going to suffer because she'll find out he lied and had been seeing you far longer than he claims. You are complicit in his lies. He's not an h

He's not an honest person. He's sneaking around and lying. Why would you want such a man and such an excuse for a relationship? Don't you deserve more? Raise your bar ffs.

I think I would stop the train until January then. When he’s free to have a relationship then he can start to have a relationship with you.

Technically he is free to have a relationship but he’s made the decision that it’s best for him not to be having one until January.

It would also worry me that he's prepared to be very deceptive for a long period of time for his own ends. This speaks to his character.

It sets up his ex wife as an unreasonable person to be "got round" and played. She may be such a person, but..

He's also happy to involve you in it, sneaking around, to your own detriment.

OP have a read of this. I found it when trying to figure out why my ex always put his exW first and was constantly at her bidding. They'd been divorced around 3 years but he was still emotionally married to her despite his feelings for me.

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

I agree with him tbh and think he is being very sensible. And he was upfront and honest since day one. Try and enjoy your time together without the world knowing just now it will be worth it in the end

He is not an honest person.

It was an “amicable split” - but his wife would have carried on trying? Only married 3 years with multiple children and it was rubbish throughout? Love to hear the other side of that story.

He doesn’t care for his DC or STBXW - both could find out at anytime despite the sneaking about. He is taking that risk all day everyday - but as long as he is getting a shag that’s fine.

No signs of rebound ??!! All the smitten kitten nonsense is called love bombing and why is he sharing this intimate secret with his friends - to show off his prowess / conquest - above the risk of his DC and STBXW finding out? He sounds v emotionally immature. A decent man would spend some time reflecting on his behaviour, the relationship dynamic and what went so terribly wrong that his family has to fall apart.

I wouldn't listen to the people who are suggesting he is using you or only wants a shag. He was married to this woman so of course he wants to save her feelings and not make life difficult for himself, that doesn't mean he thinks less of you. I think he sounds very sensible who knows what her reaction would be people do strange things when they are hurt. He wants to be divorced before you go public. Don't see it as sneaking around see it as a chance to get to know each other properly without the world interfering and having their day. I genuinely do understand his point of view and don't think he is using you. I think he is trying to make the situation as problem free for all involved as possible

I don't get MN sometimes. Everybody keeps saying to wait until a relationship is solid before telling the DC.
This guy is keeping the relationship "secret" before he lets the ex wife know (and consequently, the DC). Isn't it more responsible towards the DC than letting everything out in the open?
If OP doesn't want that, it's her prerogative. But he sounds sensible to me, buying time before letting the DC know about the relationship.

Don't see it as sneaking around

I'm sorry but this is really not good advice

We notice that he doesn't want the wife he is divorcing to know that he is dating. Rather than not dating he is asking you to keep quiet. That's really not good.

When do you plant I draw a line and stop supporting his lies.

How will you be introduced into his life ? Won't there always be an awkwardness about what you did and when? It will come out eventually and will cast a shadow over your potential future relationship with his children.

I'm so sorry.

Let's assume that everything he says is true and that his motivation for secrecy is just a practical desire to keep the divorce simple and the contact arrangements clear.

I STILL think you should tell him to take a few months on his own and hope to start up again once the divorce is finalised.

1. He really needs to learn how to live on his own. It stops you being nothing more than a rebound. If he reaches out for another emotional crutch before spring, then things were not going to last anyway.

2. STBXW is not going to disappear post divorce, and she WILL find out that he has been with you all this time. And it will have a negative effect on her future relationship with you (and there will be one, because you are in line to be a stepmother to her children).

Hope it all works out in the end. But I would take a break for now, let him handle his divorce on his own, and maybe plan a trip for April or May as a reunion.

No, boringornot, there's a big difference between introducing the dc early, which is a no-no, and pretending you're not dating at all. Nothing wrong in dc knowing you date, but no need for them to be told about each and every one or be introduced to any until later on.

Clare they were married 11 years, together for 16, struggling for the last 3.

Category but these children are still coming to terms with the fact that their parents have separated 8 months ago and now splitting their time between 2 homes, why would he tell them that, btw daddy is dating? That would be pretty bad imo!

He's right listen to him and trust his judgement or finish with him if you don't trust him but he's right it could all get very nasty.

I was responding to other poster.

And actually it's quite normal for people to date within months of a relationship split. I wouldn't expect him to make a big announcement or big deal out of it to his dc, but it's normal life and not something I'd expect him to actively conceal.

Is he a lot older than you?

Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. I couldn't be with someone who is so capable of lying like it's nothing for so long.

He's so good at it, how do you know anything he says is true?

You'll forever have to lie about the timeline of you meeting. Doesn't that feel grim to you?

The netflix and shag for 4 months sounds incredibly dull.

I know you're smitten with him but you've let your self-esteem and boundaries drag on the floor. You could've said hey I like you too, let's get together when your divorce is final. That would have shown you respect yourself and you weren't going to lower yourself to sneak around and lie with him.

I wouldn't be surprised if this ended up a rebound and he totters off to someone else who is a bit more of a challenge.

I have been in your position, his ex wife ended up finding out and it was hell. It still is hell two years later.

They had an amicable split she cheated on him and he left which has been confirmed by family and her.

When she found out about me she started to stalk me going to my house on an evening taking photos of it, finding out when my kids go to school face booking my children's father, even messaging him "innocently" using the tack she was interested and went out for a drink with him an he didn't know who she was.

She continually stops him seeing his daughter and we have been threw court twice.

She is adamant I was the other women, when I wasn't I didn't even know he existed and met him online dating.

Evening two years later she trying to make our life hell, she emailed me an awful email two days after my daughter was born and in neonatal.

If you like him and see potential then maybe it is worth it. Even if it is a little hard right now.

You could always have date nights in different city's and use it as a excuse to stay in a nice hotel. But I'd set a time limit for yourself and try to keep update to where proceedings are.

Hope this helps.

Can you imagine the genders being reversed?

A woman meeting a man on the first date and saying you will have to be a secret. It just wouldn't happen.

If this relationship has long term potential then you can break off seeing each other until divorce done. If you fear he will move on to a new partner in that time then it was never really potential.

The issue with rebound is that he is not processing loss, he is going from Ex wife & family to you and "smitten". The high of a new relationship is equivalent of a drug to smooth the transition.

You have to process loss and when people don't it comes back to bite them at a later stage. His

Are you much younger than him? Are you also aware of the challenges with becoming a step parent? It just seems that you are giving up so much to get this man.Whilst he maybe seem special now the shine will definitely wear off and I think you will look back and regret that you accepted being a secret.

I know you said you are not naive but there are some are red flags and you are feeling uneasy.

When he tells XW and others ( including his DC eventually ) about you will he be honest about the timing? As in we have been seeing each other for ... months. If not then he'll be asking you to effectively lie for him. It will presumably also impact on plans for meeting the DC .

Worse than that, if she is still invested in him it prolongs that for her if she thinks it is a recent relationship that might not go anywhere.

This arrangement is all about what suits him. And the usual caveat. You have only heard his version of the marriage/ separation. As may have his friends/ family tbh. The friends you have met, are they all recent as it's strange after a long relationship that some are not also friends with the XW, and that even unintentionally word about you wouldn't get back.