I wanted a divorce. Now kids are on CP measures and I'm suicidal.

[MyAlmaMater]

After 18 years of marriage and 3 DC, I said I wanted out about 5 months ago. He became very emotionally abusive. Putting the DC in the middle of things and talking down about me in front of them. My relationship with the eldest is essentially severed and middle DC is all over the place and very angry at me. Youngest is fine with me but after several months is starting to mimic the middle DC. have applied for divorce but he's contesting my reasons.

He's blocking the sale of the house and I can't move out without leaving the DC behind. I involved social services and DC are now on Child Protection measures.

My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. This obviously hasn't helped my DC. I said I would stop doing this and pretty much have apart from one night where I broke down and couldn't return home as I was in a right state.

Not sure why Im posting. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Women's Aid are involved. Social Services are involved. I have legal aid to assist with the divorce and financial order. I will have to pay for custody arrangement costs which I can't afford.

I feel like there's no way out. There's a lot I haven't posted but I'm in such a head mess. Ive lost a lot of weight, have a constant upset stomach and am drinking 1-3 glasses most days and smoking excessively. I'm a fucking mess.

Please tell me I can get through this because right now my back is against the wall and I have no options. My own kids have been turned against me. They think the sun shines out their dad's behind and he can do no wrong. Despite his behaviour towards me infront of them. They wouldn't leave with me if I went to a refuge hence me being stuck here, for them.

It's been several months and I am just worn down and lost.

Right OP. I’m a family lawyer and I’m going to get harsh here!
You need to start fighting for your children! They’re on child protection plans because of this toxic environment they’re living in. You WILL get legal aid for an occupation order if you get it for a divorce and if your solicitor says otherwise they are wrong. Get on with it! Legal aid is means and merits tested for a divorce. It’s a means test only for injunction and occupation order.
If you carry on like this you are going to lose your children, either to your abusive husband or care! This CANNOT carry on! Not another day.
You sound like you’ve given up and all the while you’re drinking you are letting you and your children down and your husband is winning. Drinking and talking of dates is putting yourself in front of your kids. You are on a slippery slope and you need to get your big girl pants on!
You have support from women’s aid and from your social worker. Get a solicitor who specialises in DV. Ring them today and tell them it’s urgent. See whether a WA worker can go with you.
Your children might kick back if their dad leaves but they will almost certainly calm down when you are living separately. They’re in a toxic and abusive tug of war right now. They might never forget this time of their lives. How damaging, and it will get worse for their long term emotional health the longer this goes on!
Do it today and stop making excuses or burying your head in the sand. Summon every ounce of strength you have and get it done

Wow, sounds as though your priorities are all in the wrong place. Going on a date on Sunday yet can't kick out your abusive partner and sort yourself out to get your child off of CP.

I've been following this thread since it started and your last post shocked me in all honesty.

Get your shit together, sort things out for your children before you lose them.

You've had some great advice from @Aminuts23 who clearly know their shit!! You can do this. I know you feel it's a huge battle but you can do it for your kids. When we have children we know we there will come a time we will have to fight on their behalf, many times in fact, and this is hopefully going to be your biggest ever battle for them.

They will know what he is and will, if not now, one day understand that his behaviour was wrong. But it will be more damaging to them in the long run if you don't fight to get them out of this situation. It could mean they go on to repeat what they have seen and their adult lives mirror yours.

You have taken some huge steps. Don't stop now. It will be so worth it. Think of the end goal.