I wanted a divorce. Now kids are on CP measures and I'm suicidal.

[MyAlmaMater]

After 18 years of marriage and 3 DC, I said I wanted out about 5 months ago. He became very emotionally abusive. Putting the DC in the middle of things and talking down about me in front of them. My relationship with the eldest is essentially severed and middle DC is all over the place and very angry at me. Youngest is fine with me but after several months is starting to mimic the middle DC. have applied for divorce but he's contesting my reasons.

He's blocking the sale of the house and I can't move out without leaving the DC behind. I involved social services and DC are now on Child Protection measures.

My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. This obviously hasn't helped my DC. I said I would stop doing this and pretty much have apart from one night where I broke down and couldn't return home as I was in a right state.

Not sure why Im posting. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Women's Aid are involved. Social Services are involved. I have legal aid to assist with the divorce and financial order. I will have to pay for custody arrangement costs which I can't afford.

I feel like there's no way out. There's a lot I haven't posted but I'm in such a head mess. Ive lost a lot of weight, have a constant upset stomach and am drinking 1-3 glasses most days and smoking excessively. I'm a fucking mess.

Please tell me I can get through this because right now my back is against the wall and I have no options. My own kids have been turned against me. They think the sun shines out their dad's behind and he can do no wrong. Despite his behaviour towards me infront of them. They wouldn't leave with me if I went to a refuge hence me being stuck here, for them.

It's been several months and I am just worn down and lost.

He has you brainwashed, he's bluffing, he is not the all powerful person that he has abused you into thinking he is
just keep handing out the rope and he will hang himself

I think what I'm trying to say is, I'm doing my best and what I'm discovering is that my best just isn't good enough to protect my kids or myself. I'm spiralling and struggling to keep functioning. Some days I'm fine but increasingly I'm feeling on edge and physically sick. This is a very lonely place to be.

It doesn't matter if the police aren't interested keep a detailed diary of what happens for your own purposes, just in case you need it in the future, and so that you can see patterns, see when he's lying etc

Personally, I'd take the youngest and go to a refuge ASAP. Social Services will have a duty to monitor him and the eldest children as well as you.

I would be very careful though, from my experience Social Services and Mental Health don't bode well. You'll need to be showing them that you're actively doing everything you can to prevent your mental health from being this way. You need to leave, once you're in a refuge that will be used as evidence against him. I've also lived in a refuge. Both my boys were separated and social used my mental health against me big time despite what my ex husband did.

You won't get off that CP plan until you can prove that you can cope and you're actively doing things to change the situation.

Name changed.
I think first and foremost you need to make sure that you are okay. This means probably separate accommodation and counselling. I had a situation where my Ex was abusive and social services said they had no role once they had investigated and decided I was keeping my DC safe. At the moment, social services are still involved with your DC - because, I presume, not only is your xH abusive but you are going to pieces because of his abuse. I mean that kindly and I understand. Your MH will be taken into account (I got the report afterwards under a subject access request and mine was, even though it was caused by abuse). So getting support and some kind of therapy for yourself is a priority.

If you take the youngest and go how will he cope with the two others, he might not like it when he find he's lumbered with them and they are acting out?

He's just an unimpressive man behind a curtain, OP. Click those red slippers together and file for child arrangements citing parental alienation (which is what he's doing).

“Abandoning” them would be playing straight into his hands, wouldn’t it?

I know it’s no consolation. But your eldest two may not actually believe what they’re saying deep down. It may be a protection mechanism. A sort of Stockholm syndrome, whereupon they have to side with their abuser.

CP is because of their father's behaviour. Coercive control over me and the DC and emotional abuse towards me infront of DC.

So social services are on YOUR side. This is a great thing.

They can help you.

What do Women’s Aid and Social Services advise you to do?

“My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. ”

Sorry to hear you so unwell. Think about going to refuge or mental hospital to get you stable. You need to be best you can be to have chance with your children.

Bless you. Your kids are suffering massive confusion. They want to be angry at someone. Your ex is helping them along with this. It is not helping them in the long run, of course, you know that. A healthy parent would want their children to have the best possible, taking all relative factors into account, relationship with each parent - not try to score points on which parent is the worst.

Something stuck in my head when I divorced - each child is a little bit of each parent, and when they hate that parent they end up hating part of themselves.

In the long game, they will come back to you in some shape or form. They will learn the truth. That will be helped very much by you holding your nerve, for their sakes, and getting the best possible mental health care you can and fully engaging with it. You really need some people on your side - do confide in a couple of friends to test the water, you might be surprised.

I hid the truth of an awful domestic situation for a long time when I gradually began to tell there was nothing but support, no judgment. My family was amazing too, even after the pain I had put them through by having to be hostile towards them to keep the peace with then H.

Don't give up. Try to be as brave as you can.

Both women's aid and social services advised to apply for the occupation order but I cannot afford 1k to file for it and then additional costs if he contests it, which he will.

I really feel for u I was in a similar situation 4 years ago and it was hell I don't know how I survived I felt I had hit below rock bottom with no where to go. I had no family or friends for support so I understand wat ur going through. But the main thing u must do is look after ur self, u need to be strong to fight to get ur life bck. See ur doctor and counsellor ASAP u need help and support. If he won't mind kids can ur eldest look after her siblings? Is there items in hse that u can sell to raise the £1000? U need to cut down on drinking its not helping u. You hve got to be strong! I promise u ur life will get better, u are making a better future for urself. Please take all the help u can get! Xx

I'm so sorry, OP. Adult life fucking sucks at times

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I need to see to the middle DC now and start the evening clean up so likely won't be posting again tonight.

I can't state this enough but you all have helped me tremendously tonight. I was extremely low and felt I had nowhere at all to turn. I appreciate your input massively and will reread the posts in the morning to try and gather some strength and keep going.

I know he's a massive cunt but he's all I've know since I was 16 years old. It's very difficult to disentangle from someone after such a long time and possibly entrenched abuse which I haven't even recognised.

Thanks again.

I have been to court and it ended up very expensive - I took out a bank loan and my solicitor also let me pay by standing order. I am living month to month which is a bit frustrating at my age.
Going to court was the only way in retrospect to make it stop.

Will WA and social services provide evidence for you in court? Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Sending love to you, OP. You are stronger than you know

He has now said he will justify his behaviour to social services and he believes the children will be taken away as a result. He said it will be my fault for raising the issues with SS in the first place so I've brought it on myself

This is the bit you have to call his bluff on, the courts and social workers are wise to children being coerced into saying things to protect their controllers/abusers.

If children services are involved because of his behaviour you have them on your side, you need to keep strong and do everything they expect you to do to keep you all safe.

Do you have any friend, even one, you can rely on? Sounds like you had a lot of professionals involved but you need a friend to talk to and keep strong.

sending you all hope and strength.

you will get through this

It's so very hard to know what to do for the best, isn't it OP? A part of me wonders if you'd be best extricating yourself from this situation, and using the time out to get better and stronger (although you already sound pretty strong to me). But it could be counterproductive if the ex uses it against you, or if the kids turn against you because of it.
It's so fucking hard, it really is, and I feel for you so much x

We are here to talk when you need us and we all want to help you😊
he is cruel and manipulative but you can see through his game once you get your eyes in properly 🧐
he thinks you're a mere woman who can't possibly see through him or think above him, he is totally wrong
Don't let him see your hand and know that he is over playing his

OP go to a refuge with the 4yr old, offer the 12yr old to come as well but still go if they refuse. Fight for custody from afar if they choose to stay with their dad. Start to be very open with social care if you aren't already. Do online counselling if you have to. Start allowing your family and friends network to support you. Ask your social work to arrange a Family Group Conference and start working with them. You have to woman up now

Has anyone suggested you contact NCDV for an occupation order?
If you are in the UK look at the website.

OP I'm so very sorry you're feeling this way. Whatever happens, you cannot ignore suicidal feelings. I've been there before several times when in my head I knew without a doubt that suicide would be easier than what I was going through at the time. I'm still here because I realized that not figuring out how to live and committing suicide was basically saying that my problems are so awful and unbearable that I was willing to check out of my life and leave my pain and problems for my children to deal with. The rate of depression and suicide in the children of suicide victims is astronomical. Hang onto that. I don't say that to everyone who is suicidal because I don't like to try to guilt people who are in a bad place. But I read your posts and see that you're struggling a great deal due to how much you love your children and how you're trying to figure out how to protect them. Being here to keep trying is the biggest and most impactful thing you can do in that respect. You're hurting right now but you can still find a way out. You have so much time to mend things with your kids, who will see your husband for who and what he is as they get older and wiser. You have tons of people here sending good thoughts your way.