I wanted a divorce. Now kids are on CP measures and I'm suicidal.

[MyAlmaMater]

After 18 years of marriage and 3 DC, I said I wanted out about 5 months ago. He became very emotionally abusive. Putting the DC in the middle of things and talking down about me in front of them. My relationship with the eldest is essentially severed and middle DC is all over the place and very angry at me. Youngest is fine with me but after several months is starting to mimic the middle DC. have applied for divorce but he's contesting my reasons.

He's blocking the sale of the house and I can't move out without leaving the DC behind. I involved social services and DC are now on Child Protection measures.

My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. This obviously hasn't helped my DC. I said I would stop doing this and pretty much have apart from one night where I broke down and couldn't return home as I was in a right state.

Not sure why Im posting. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Women's Aid are involved. Social Services are involved. I have legal aid to assist with the divorce and financial order. I will have to pay for custody arrangement costs which I can't afford.

I feel like there's no way out. There's a lot I haven't posted but I'm in such a head mess. Ive lost a lot of weight, have a constant upset stomach and am drinking 1-3 glasses most days and smoking excessively. I'm a fucking mess.

Please tell me I can get through this because right now my back is against the wall and I have no options. My own kids have been turned against me. They think the sun shines out their dad's behind and he can do no wrong. Despite his behaviour towards me infront of them. They wouldn't leave with me if I went to a refuge hence me being stuck here, for them.

It's been several months and I am just worn down and lost.

I lost my children when I separated from my ex. It was hell but it gave me a little bit of time to get myself together.
I do hope you concentrate on getting yourself healthy. Try your hardest to not self destroy as that will get you further away from your children.
He'll use every excuse to show you in a bad light.
I know you feel like a mess but you can help by taking better care of yourself.
You are neglecting your basic needs and that's going to make you feel worse and out of control.
Take care of yourself in order to look after your children. Give them time and I'm sure they want to see well.

We’re all here for you OP. Anytime you feel low or need some support just post on here. You can do this

I'm doing my best and what I'm discovering is my best just isn't good enough
Please try to look at this differently😊
you have the strength and the brains to do this, but it's a matter of applying them in the most effective manner
Don't let him drain your energy with things like pointless arguments for example, where possible don't engage, be neutral 'grey rock'
could you cut down on drink/smokes...maybe keep it within certain limits?

don't worry too much if you're still a bit all over the place, if anything it will be ok if your behaviour doesn't change too much so as not to tip him off
But in your mind try and feel a bit more together and on top of things
It is very very hard but you can plot a course through this

I am a mental health nurse ... 90% of the women i see have been abused.

Please for your physical & psychological safety go to a refuge.

You need some respite & compassion.

Staying put wont help you , or any of your DC.

I promise you, keep plodding on and it will slowly get less awful. And one day you will be happy again. And free of him . I have been where you are, so much of your story resonates. Stay strong, there will be happy times ahead and your children won't be fooled by him for long

I've had to stay in a refuge twice. Getting out and having that space to breathe really helped.

Also, the upset stomach and messed up eating etc, that's going to stay like that for a while. So whatever methods you have for making yourself eat, employ them. It's not forever.

I went through the mill thanks to the sperm donor of one of my kids. The POS eventually metaphorically hanged himself in front of the various support workers at one of the SS meetings.

So I think getting out with your youngest and offering that olive branch to your middle child is the best way forward right now.

I was encouraged to make my ex take ME to court because then he had to pay for it.

My mental health deteriorated while I was with him and he tried to use it against me but I was doing everything I could to make it better.

I also naturally grey rocked him. Didn't even know there was a term for what I was doing, it was just what I learnt to do, being in such an awful unpredictable relationship with him.

I didn't have children as old as yours enmeshed in the situation, so my experience isn't the same. I also didn't own a share of his property, and luckily we weren't married.

But you are going to get through this. It doesn't feel like it now. But you've got adrenaline pumping continuously through you right now, and it's going to make your stomach upset, affect your appetite, your sleep..... But we are here to listen.

You've made such progress. And you've at least tried to see this counsellor too. You are actively trying to stay on top of things including your mental health. This goes in your favour.

I have no experience of the awful awful time you are suffering but there are some really wise words on here. Read them back, daily if you have to. Particularly those which affirm he is not the clever man making others believe he's a great dad and all round good guy. It's so true. I've worked A LOT with authorities over the years. Tragically, they see this stuff day in day out. They know abusers. They see through their shit. It's a leap of faith when he has you so downtrodden but trust in that. And like others say, take steps to improve your life. One thing at a time, refuge, eat better, drink less, but don't take it all on at once.

And finally, even with no personal experience of a relationship like this, I can see you are being incredibly brave. And you have been incredibly strong to get to this point. My goodness, you've broken away from an abusive partner. You have asked for help. Please, please, see how amazing that it and give yourself credit. You are strong. You are being strong. Keep asking for help though. You deserve it and you will get through this.

Op I will pm you I have been in a very similar situation to you. Xx

I just want to second the suggestion to contact NCDV for help with the occupation order. They're a charity and could help you FOC.

You need to look into getting legal aid. Not all solicitors provide this so I suspect your present solicitor doesn't that's why they haven't talked to you about it.
Citazens advise should be able to point you in the right direction.

Hey All. Today was a much better day. Spent time with the younger two and middle DC even wrote down some activities they want to do - I was very surprised and happy to see they all involved just either middle DC and myself or youngest DC and myself. It sounds small but it felt like a massive ray of hope.

I've read everyone's posts and will probably keep reading them daily at the moment.

I'm speaking with the outreach worker from Women's Aid tomorrow. I'm going to find out more about the refuge but right now I feel like I can't leave the eldest two behind or separate youngestDC from siblings.

STBXH has been relatively reasonable today apart from talking to me for over 45 minutes about moving forward with custody. He thinks once fortnightly weekend visits are enough for me to see my children. I disagreed so he then refused to sell the house again. He wants me to change the reasons for divorce I cited and essentially if I don't then he will block everything.
He constantly changes his mind. It is exhausting. He then later on became upset and text me saying maybe it would be better if he disappeared. Doing my best to not engage with him, walk away or just show him I won't be cornered anymore.

This is clearly going to take a long fucking time isn't it.

Thank you all again for your posts. Going to look up NCDV.

So pleased you have had a better day. Keep coming back to this post to remind yourself and add on the good things if you need to. So you can see your progress in the difficult times. Or make a note somewhere. Not just the bad stuff but those good things too.

It might take a long time but you are doing it. You are partway down the path and you never have to do the parts you've done again. It will take as long as it takes but you are another day closer. And you will get stronger, and more resistant to his manipulation. And in turn that will make you better able to fight, and you'll get there, and one day in the future someone will post on mumsnet about their wanker husband and you will be the one saying "I was there, and it was shit, but I got through it".

Keep on swimming. You got this.

NCDV can arrange an ex-partè Occupational Order (without him there he won't even know the court hearing has happened until he's served the papers) You'll be in court with a Solicitor within 48 hours and NCDV will pay for it. They'll also likely arrange a Non Molestation Injunction and a Prohibited Steps Order preventing him from taking any of the kids ANYWHERE without your permission (I know this hasn't been mentioned but it's worth having - trust me) All of these orders will be temporary for 30 days. When he is served the papers by a Court Agent (they'll track him down wherever he is and serve them into his hand) they will be effective immediately and the papers will invite him to a hearing 14-30 days later to see if they need to be made permanent. Meanwhile the Occupational Order is a full valid & legal court order!
Also, the Judges will likely request the CAO be sorted on the return hearing (ie Cafcass report requested then a new hearing arranged for a few months later). If this is the case, you won't have to pay for that either!

Also - What on Earth was he suggesting when YOU get to 'visit' your children for? He surely cannot be suggesting he keeps primary custody? Please tell me you haven't agreed to this??? Why?????????

can you ask your WA outreach worker whether - once you have everything else sorted - the children can have support as well? There are usually children and young persons workers in WA and my DC found it really helpful. The support worker can meet with the children in school or your house and in my case, she met my DC separately. Your STBXH is messing with their heads as well.

I think you need to try to stop believing what your ex says as well as not engaging with him. The belief that your DC would not want to do things with you shows how low you are and some of that must have come from him. Of course your DC will want to spend time with you. Most of all, they need your time and attention. You do not need STBXH’s permission for this either.

Some stock phrases like ‘we are not discussing child arrangements right now’ would help stop the 45 minute discussions aimed at wearing you down followed by ‘please leave me alone now’. I think if you look at the strategy (aimed at making you think you are crazy and then wearing you down), rather than the detail of what you are saying, it will become easier to do this. I did get to the stage where I said to ex, that is harassment and you need to stop. Of course then he slightly changed tactic, it was like stopping one form harassment and manipulation and then another would start. That is why a clear court order was the only way forward. It does not stop him messing around the edges of the court order but it did put an end to the bullying. It was highly stressful - standing up to a bully is - but it did help.

I am not in the jurisdiction which NCDV covers, more’s the pity. It sounds like a fantastic resource. I hope they are able to help you.

*detail of what he is saying - I meant to say.

One of the ways coercive control works is that it monopolises your perception. This, the arguments about EOW contact have only one function which is to get in your head. He thinks you will be so busy thinking about that that he can get what he wants with the house. That is what I mean by saying be aware of his strategies, and not responding- not focusing on the detail of what he says.

But it sounds like you are on it already

Sorry for multiple posts - in terms of it taking time

Leaving is a process not an event, and leaving a controlling abusive person is a prolonged process.

Also the way I looked at it was this - it took x years for the situation to become intolerable, it will take y years for it to become okay again. There will be a period of getting the legalities sorted (where you are now), a period of healing, a period of still being triggered by certain things and then hopefully (not there yet) a period where you look back and do not recognise that life any more.

I will stop waffling now - you will get through this

Hi OP,
Im glad you had a better day. Those times with your kids will help give you strength. I posted yesterday and was coming from a perspective of a person who had been in controlling relationships in the past. Reading more on your thread, I suddenly realised that to an extent I was that 4 year old and your story made me think of how my mother may have felt when she left our family home when I was 5, and the youngest of 4.
I don’t believe my father was abusing but he was having affairs and DM ended up having some kind of breakdown and we never rebuilt a relationship and I and my siblings were seriously negatively affected. I know that for everyone advising you to do x there will be one advising y, but I wanted to say from my experience, I would really try to stay in your home if you can.
Your story has helped me think what it might have been like for my mother, (this was late 1960’s so I don’t imagine there was as much help available in those days).

Hello OP. You have had lots of brilliant advice that I cannot add to but wanted to reassure you that your feelings of distress are an entirely reasonable and understandable reaction to your entire perception of reality shifting. You are "waking up" to the dysfunction and realising what you have been told and presented as truth by your STBXH all these years is an illusion.

It takes enormous strength and perception and empathy to have that realisation - and then to act on it too. You are amazing! But it is also terrifying. And you WILL make it through and you have inner resources you cannot imagine and the more you connect with the right people and ask for help, you will get there. Your DC will one day know what you have done. And will be in awe of you. I certainly am.

You have had lots of good advice and I can't really add anything to it but offering a hand hold.

You are doing amazingly well in the face of his abuse.

Try to bear in mind that he is bluffing, I highly doubt he actually even wants custody of the children, it is just something to say to scare you into backing down.

When push comes to shove and you get him to court I would not be suprised if he backs down.

he texted me saying it would be better if he disappeared
That he feels the need to escalate and start making suicide threats suggest to me that he feels his control over you is slipping?
probably best to ignore that threat (although it might be tempting to say 'go on and do us all a favour')
Is it possible to shift communications to text or email so that you can reply at your leisure, make your replies more measured, have time to think about what's been said and generally be in control of the narrative?

Things hit the fan a bit last night but it seems like social services are not impressed with Him and social worker thinks me pursuing the occupation order is a good call. Going to contaxt NCDV this week.

Thanks again to you all. I'm re reading every day. I will update more fully when i have time. essentially he's using the DC as bait to keep me home if I try to leave and see friends.

Sounds good Almamater, please keep a record of his every move, hoping things continue to go your way🙏

Read the thread ,rooting for you ,chin up strong woman 💐💐💐

How are you feeling in yourself now Alma?