I wanted a divorce. Now kids are on CP measures and I'm suicidal.

[MyAlmaMater]

After 18 years of marriage and 3 DC, I said I wanted out about 5 months ago. He became very emotionally abusive. Putting the DC in the middle of things and talking down about me in front of them. My relationship with the eldest is essentially severed and middle DC is all over the place and very angry at me. Youngest is fine with me but after several months is starting to mimic the middle DC. have applied for divorce but he's contesting my reasons.

He's blocking the sale of the house and I can't move out without leaving the DC behind. I involved social services and DC are now on Child Protection measures.

My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. This obviously hasn't helped my DC. I said I would stop doing this and pretty much have apart from one night where I broke down and couldn't return home as I was in a right state.

Not sure why Im posting. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Women's Aid are involved. Social Services are involved. I have legal aid to assist with the divorce and financial order. I will have to pay for custody arrangement costs which I can't afford.

I feel like there's no way out. There's a lot I haven't posted but I'm in such a head mess. Ive lost a lot of weight, have a constant upset stomach and am drinking 1-3 glasses most days and smoking excessively. I'm a fucking mess.

Please tell me I can get through this because right now my back is against the wall and I have no options. My own kids have been turned against me. They think the sun shines out their dad's behind and he can do no wrong. Despite his behaviour towards me infront of them. They wouldn't leave with me if I went to a refuge hence me being stuck here, for them.

It's been several months and I am just worn down and lost.

Alma did you look into getting legal aid? It could really help you move forward with out fear of being restricted financially. X

Sounds like another little ray of hope today for you. Keep finding the positives in each day and keep making progress. You are moving forward and doing brilliantly.

Definitely look into the legal aid like PP's suggest.

I think he is doing two things which pull in different directions

• one, he is suggesting you will be the non -resident parent who only sees DC every other weekend to get you to agree to the settlement he wants (if I understood correctly)

• he is using DC to keep you at home and not see family and friends (your support network)

These two things pull in different directions because the first one means you would be free to do whatever you liked in the days you did not have DC (okay, I know you would not think of it like that as you would want to be with DC and miss them, but it has struck me how much time and freedom my ex has, despite all his sound and fury about wanting contact; his contact is actually less now than five years ago - and the fact that I can never go out because of course I am the one looking after DC). So if you had EOW, he would lose one means of control (using the DC to keep you at home).

Using the DC to keep you at home works best (speaking from experience) if he says he wants something much more than he actually does, so all your attention (and money) goes in addressing what he says he wants; and still looking after DC all the time because what he actually does want is way less than that.

Not sure if that makes sense. My point is that if he really did want full time residential contact, he would not really mind you being out and about. But his purpose is to keep you engaged in debate and worry with the first claim and to prevent you going out with the second actions.

It took me several years (yes, years) to realise that it was pointless engaging with exH’s words because his actions were different. The words were and are intended to get me into a state (it worked).

Easiest thing to do is think about what is best for the children and stick to that. Do make sure you have support.

Morning all.

We have a first child protection conference soon. He has been Very Nice lately. Part of me genuinely hopes he's gone back to being a Good Man that I know he can be. The other side of me thinks....after months of his behaviour.... he's being Naice to get me on board for the conference. He has said he will agree to the divorce if I change my reasons to 'irreconcilable differences'. Am thinking to do this as it makes no difference to me, I just want the divorce.

Solo yes i know exactly what you mean and my very limited (but amazing) support network have also pointed this out. I'm constantly told to leaveand whenever I do, I'm bombarded with texts and calls. I've now been told not to engage and call the policr and request a welfare check on the DC if I'm concerned. That's what I did this week. I'm hoping it's starting to shut down his options.

I've agreed to him having full custody. I'm just exhausted in every way. The eldest DC hate me anyway there's no point in pursuing joint custody when they'll resent it and not want to see me. Very upset about youngest DC as they spend all their time with me and we're very close. They're too young to be brainwashed I guess.

I've woken up with a sore throat and had an upset stomach most of the week. Run down. I didnt drink yesterday at all. Trying to cut down to every 2-3 days and only have 1-2 glasses if I drink.

I have legal aid in place with the solicitor but it will only cover the divorce and finance order. Doesn't cover child arrangement order.

Someone up thread mentioned parental alienation. Interesting that I'd never heard this but the social worker mentioned this the other day as well.

Currently debating whether or not to allow eldest DC to attend the CP conference. I think they should but I'm aware a lot of information will be shared and they blame me for talking to services and also say I've lied about everything.

Wait what? You've agreed to him having full custody?!

Honestly - you can't agree to him having full custody. He will twist that with your children as you not loving them and not wanting them. I know you're in a really bad place right now but you need to fight for your children - you know what he is like, you can't leave them with him.

💐 firstly. He sounds like a shit and you are in a tough situation.

But please stop talking about future plans, custody with him at home. He is not your friend. He is not going to play fair. He is going to keep controlling you.

I'm sure nothing you say under those circumstances is binding.

You have legal aid and help from women's aid. Use it to find third party mediation or another way to stop this.

I'm absolutely stunned that you would agree to a man who is proven to be abusive to have full custody of your children. What do the social workers have to say about this? Those children should be your priority. You are the adult and you need to be strong and make the decisions that are right for them and not just those that make life easier for you. I feel so sorry for your you get two younger children right now. Fix this before it is too late.

OP please please don't allow him full custody, I would imagine that SS would be very concerned by that as they seem to have recognised the control he has had over you.
Remember, this man has made you feel like nothing. What happens when you leave? He will need someone to transfer that to.
I would worry that if you don't go for full custody on the grounds of his abuse of you and your children (the way he has the elder ones thinking you've slept around and the other things you've mentioned upthread) the SS may put them into foster care.
If they are more on your side or have recognised his behaviour, then you're halfway there- that's why all of a sudden he's being nice again, or twisting things to "do this or else" or threats to disappear (personally I wish you'd have been strong enough to say, OK by me ).
Can SS not help you financially, since they have told you to apply for the Occupation Order? Have they been made aware that your finances and legal aid doesn't cover it? I get the impression with SS that unless you ask, they won't say it. But if it can secure your DCs, and your safety, so you can become and safe, secure unit without him there, you can say to them you can then, with their support, work through the negative effects he has had on the DCs and you.
Look at it from the perspective that he is the weak link here, not you, I think I below the surface of the appalling way he has left you feeling, there is a little spark of knowing he must go, hence the divorce.
And don't change your reasons for filing- imagine if he finds someone else after you who just thinks you split due to simply falling out of love? He will find someone to control, don't let it be your children.

Did you contact NCDV?

I am not in England and Wales, so not familiar with the law. Why on earth are social services agreed to the DC living with him and asking you to call police for a welfare check if you are concerned? I thought they shared your concerns. Or do you mean that you have agreed verbally to him having full custody?

Honestly, I think that sounds devastating for you and your youngest DC - the older two are old enough to have their wishes heard (and you can argue parental alienation) but the youngest is used to you being there as main carer. The option of moving out into refuge with the four year old sounds ever more attractive here - you would get a rest and DC who is four would be protected.

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

SS do not help financially - at least in Scotland. If it is a family law matter, the parties need to pay. Social services will only step in for court proceedings where the issue is for the child to be removed into care.

The other side of me thinks....after months of his behaviour.... he's being Naice to get me on board for the conference.

Listen to this voice.

I'm guessing you've agreed to full custody with him in an unwitnessed conversation at home. That has no legal bearing at all. Ultimately custody will be decided by a court with input from social services/Cafcass reports as long as you do not offer full custody in a formal setting.

Do not, in any way, formalise the custody coversation at conference or through solicitors. You are being manipulated and coerced.

Been there - sometimes you tell him what he wants to hear just to get him to stop talking at you for a bit.

Sorry this is happening to you. It Social serves are involved and your children are on a child protection plan it is likely at some point that plan will involve you being required to leave him in order to protect your children from the emotional abuse they are witnessing. If you don’t comply with that your children can be taken into care. Your mental health and level of alcohol use may be used against you as well, I would seek as much help NOW as possible. Engage with your GP. Get counselling. Enroll into the freedom programme. Deal with the drinking because honestly it’s not going to help you. Start looking after yourself- that includes eating properly- you are going to need all of your strength to leave him and stay left.

You CAN do this

Irreconcilable Differences isn't a ground for divorce in the UK so he can forget that. If your bond with your 4 and 12 year old is strong I'd really urge you to fight for their custody even if older DC end up with their dad.

Don’t agree to full custody, joint custody at a minimum.

Don’t do it, eldest do not hate you and when you are away from DH and can be your true self again, they will see the real you and you can rebuild your relationships.

16 year olds are very difficult to parent a difficult age and they can lash out with words but equally they are very emotionally vulnerable and need support. They will be ‘hating you’ now as you are the one in their eyes breaking up the family. Giving up custody will make them feel abandoned and be damaging to them in the long run.

You say you spend all your time with DC 4, giving up custody will traumatise them. Too much change and they will feel abandoned.

Don’t let his bullying lead to decisions you will regret. Be strong op you can do this, your children will love you again, do t give up hope or full custody. No no no!

@MyAlmaMater OP - Legal Aid will cover everything under the domestic abuse gateway but ONLY if you follow my method via the NCDV in my post upthread

I’m wondering if his fight fir full custody is more about making you suffer than actually wanting to look after the DC 24/7. It seems to me that he wants you NOT to have custody more than he actually wants custody himself. I suspect in reality he’d be horrified at the prospect of looking after the DC 24/7

It seems to me that he wants you NOT to have custody more than he actually wants custody himself. I suspect in reality he’d be horrified at the prospect of looking after the DC 24/7

You're absolutley right - It's something said so often by 'wronged' fathers that it's become a cliche. Most men that say this don't even want EOW.

It sounds like to social workers are being very supportive of you. There are unlikely to think allowing your DH full custody to be a good idea. Make sure you work along with them and adhere to the plans they put in place, He will trip up at some point and hopefully your elder children will see him for what he is.

He fights for custody because fighting, being dominant, controlling the situation 'owning' the woman, putting you in your place, showing you who's boss, these are all masculine things
he welcomes the opportunity to display his masculine authority and prowess, it feels natural and 'right' for him to do these things.
He doesn't actually want custody because looking after children is woman's work, it's beneath him.

You could be describing my ex, Who!

a possible strategy is to let him put all the energy he wants into the fight, let him exhaust himself mentally, financially etc, make a show of opposing him but preserve your own stores of money/time/energy

Hi.

It's been a very rough few days. CP conference has happened. He definitely acted like a cunt in it and I think showed himself to be the fool that he is.
I got very drunk following the meeting after not drinking for several days at all. I had planned an evening out at a trusted friend's house as I knew I'd need to have a drink and recover.

Basically I now need to kick him out by contacting NCDV. However he is now trying to be reasonable as perhaps some of the conference has hopefully hit home i.e. the massive mess our kids have been left in as a result of him blocking everything.

Meeting with women's aid worker today. Very reluctant to kick him out. Don't want to do that to him our our DC.

I'm run down and taking antibiotics. I have a date on Sunday with a man who may or may not be good for me. He is lovely, he cares, he's polyamorous. I dont know. Joy needed.

Well, it's good that you have a plan of action regards Women's Aid and the NCDV. Also good that he couldn't behave in the meeting.
But, dont fall for the whole poor him act, he's grasping at straws. You need to be detached and look after the interests of your poor DCs and you. Sod him, he is an adult and as you say, acts like a cunt.
Try not to drink on the antibiotics darling, its not good for you, it's very hard what you're experiencing, I think you know you're replacing his control or blocking it out with an alcoholic crutch. Try and do something else when it gets too much, you need your health and I think you also will need to mobilise if the SS quite rightly find he is not suitable as a main parent carer and ask you to do it instead (you can do it, they need you, you can heal and they can heal with you. It will give you purpose).
As for the date, I'm worried with how you describe it. Perhaps put the dating to one side, you have so much going on and you need to heal and be able to stop further control before you wind up back in another situation like you've left.

I have a date on Sunday with a man who may or may not be good for me. He is lovely, he cares, he's polyamorous

Sounds like a bad idea.