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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son wants nothing to do with me!

336 replies

Wilf1975 · 25/08/2019 11:05

I was married to my first husband, we had a son & daughter together. My husband was mentally, physically & emotionally abusive to the three of us. I eventually found the strength to leave him when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6.
Six months of him leaving my husband took an overdose and ended up in a vegetative state in a nursing home for four years until he died in 2013.
The three of us were always close until my son started going out with his girlfriend 3 years ago. He walked out 2 years ago and I have not really seen him. I have tried everything to try and be included in his life but he doesn’t want that. He totally despises me and blames me for his childhood. My daughter told me yesterday he is getting married in February and will not be inviting me.
I miss him so much, can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. I have a rubbish relationship with my own mum and didn’t want to end up like that.
I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilf1975 · 26/08/2019 18:24

So I really wish that I never posted on here. The comments are totally uncalled for, the assumption I chose to be abused and allowed my children to be in that situation is a very simplistic and ignorant view.
I really hope this thread has not put anybody who is being abused leaving. Yes you have to put up with a lot of judgments like these on here but that feeling of being safe in your home is the best. To be able to spend all the time you want with your children without worrying about him was amazing. I love my children and the door will always be open for him........fingers crossed

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 26/08/2019 18:28

@Wilf1975 I think some of the comments have been from people who have been in your son's position so they are worth reading when it's not so raw maybe. I hope you and your son rebuild your relationship x

coatlessinspokane · 26/08/2019 18:29

OP please don’t listen to these posters. You suffered an awful thing and you left when you could.

I would write it all in a letter and send it to him. He needs to know you did the best you could.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 18:37

I would write it all in a letter and send it to him. He needs to know you did the best you could.

As long as you don't build up expectations you may get nothing back or worse a letter back stating that your best wasn't good enough.

OhHimAgain · 26/08/2019 20:51

OP please don’t listen to these posters. You suffered an awful thing and you left when you could.

And what about the awful thing the son suffered?

Rainonmyguitar · 26/08/2019 21:02

Wilf1975

It's a shame your thread has been hijacked by a certain person. Someone upthread said she set the tone for the thread because she got in so early and then she just continued to project all through it. Not everyone is blaming you.

LaLoba · 26/08/2019 21:04

I really hope this thread has not put anybody who is being abused leaving.
This is quite an astonishing twisting of the words of those of us who are trying to give you an insight into the kind of mental anguish your son has suffered his whole life. Not one of us have tried to put an abused person off leaving, in fact surely our testimonies of how damaging our childhoods were would have the opposite effect?

This thread has been awful for those of us who lived a childhood like your son’s to read, but we’ve tried to give you insight into what he needs from you now. You don’t want to listen.

Dippypippy1980 · 26/08/2019 21:08

I don’t think it’s about blaming op at all. The thread was about her son, therefore posters focused on his experiences and why he might be angry at OP.

It was a tragic situation for all three member of this family. All were victims of this man. Maybe OPs son has some anger towards his mother for not protecting him earlier. I think that is understandable. oP can explain to son that she wishes she could have got them out earlier, but she did her best at the time.

It’s also not clear why op was with this man when he died, it sounds like she had a very complex relationship with him. And may that is confusing her son - who is still very young and has a lot to work through.

My comments were trying to encourage OP to see this through her sons eyes rather than her own.

FAQs · 26/08/2019 21:11

@Wilf1975 you did your very best by escaping and going to Court to protect the children and seeking counselling.

As I said previously you are all victims. Your son hasn’t yet progressed all the pain and the unanswered questions his dad suicide left. Do not take many of the posts here lacking in any sort or empathy and understanding to heart.

They likely come from their own issues and should not be projected onto yours. And I say this as a child of domestics violence myself with physical and mental scars not a place of naivety.

As you say keep the door open and just let him know he can come to you when he is ready.

Wowserme · 26/08/2019 21:21

There’s some really mean people on here and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.
This lady has written on here for a hand hold and some emotional support but no, some people just have to kick someone when they’re down.
This is nasty, really nasty and I just hope that those of you who stuck their knives in get a taste of their own medicine in their hour of need.

Chewingbubblegum · 26/08/2019 21:21

OP, how old is your son? By the dates and timelines you've given, he is still a teenager (certainly less than 19). Sounds like he left home permanently at around 16? He is getting married at a very young age. Is there any adult in his life? Sounds like he would benefit from therapy.

I'm asking because it sounds like he may not be wrestling with all sorts of things but in time may becone more mature and see things in a different light. Be patient.

TrainspottingWelsh · 26/08/2019 21:35

Much as posters might like to get a warm fuzzy feeling inside by patting you on the head wilf and saying you did the best you could, ultimately it isn’t going to change anything for you.

If anything they are the posters that aren’t helping. Sure, you might feel better right now if we’d all said your son was just like his father, ungrateful bastard, etc. But long term if you hope to repair the relationship, you need to hear, and accept the other side of it, however unpalatable it is.

And if there’s one piece of advice you should avoid at all costs, it’s coatless Writing to him to tell him about your suffering and how you did your best would be a really stupid, not to mention incredibly cruel plan. Unless of course you want to severe the relationship entirely in which case it’s a foolproof method.

DishingOutDone · 26/08/2019 21:45

What you mean is that you don't like the fact I haven't centred the OP in my responses oh but you have @OhHimAgain - you've gone for her like a dog at a bone, locked jaws and won't let go. And you have said its her fault. You told her "You reap what you sow". You've tried to explain away your contempt by intellectualising it and saying you are only concerned for her son.

FAQs · 26/08/2019 21:45

@Wilf1975 this is a really good organisation who can give you support on supporting your son when he is ready napac.org.uk/

DishingOutDone · 26/08/2019 21:47

Sure, you might feel better right now if we’d all said your son was just like his father, ungrateful bastard how the fuck do you get that from what the OP has said?!

FAQs · 26/08/2019 21:52

@Dishingoutdone I’ve just read back on OPs posts and yep agree can’t see where that has come from.

DishingOutDone · 26/08/2019 21:52

@FAQs I second that helpline, really good suggestion and they can signpost to other support as well.

WaitrosePigeon · 26/08/2019 21:53

I wish I could give you a hug OP
X

TitanTanya44 · 26/08/2019 21:53

She didn't get it from the thread. She means that it is seems some people assume that this is how we should be responding

Dishingout, I seriously think it's you who is locking jaws.

We are all entitled to our opinions.

FAQs · 26/08/2019 21:54

Honestly some people really should be ashamed at their comments to the OP.

Original poster
Wilf1975 · 26/08/2019 21:54

I was bought up in a very dysfunctional family. I saw my dad hit my mum, I was there but not acknowledged. My brother and sister were more important to my mum and still are. I was made responsible for my Dad getting done for drink driving because when I tried to stop him he threatened me with violence unless I gave him the keys so I did. Even to this day my mum blames me.
I was desperate to be loved and went for the first man who showed me attention. I do have insight that my son feels let down by me and angry for the whole situation.
I know what it is like to be alienated from your family. My dads funeral my sister started an argument, my mum blamed me. I really didn’t want this for my children......

I left my husband in 2008 and he died in 2013. We were not together he was not allowed near me or my children

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 26/08/2019 22:03

Op you have had a tough life - and you haven’t had a good family experience. That is awful and I hope you are receiving counselling to get through this and somehow move on.

You know why your son is angry with you - and you can’t change what happened in his childhood.

It might take years for him to process this and come back to you. He is still very young, he will learn to understand we are all flawed, we all act in ways which are imperfect. There are reasons why you got into this relationship and reasons why you stayed. Deep down he knows that but he is still angry. Let him be angry for a while.

He does have a right to be angry. What happened was awful. He didn’t chose it or deserve it. Either did you.

Original poster
Wilf1975 · 26/08/2019 22:07

This post was not about me but I just learnt that my son was getting married. I managed to keep it together in front of my daughter. I just wanted somebody to tell me everything is going to be okay...... I know that will never happen

OP posts:
FAQs · 26/08/2019 22:07

@Wilf1975 I didn’t speak to my family for 12 years after I left home and eventually I realised it really wasn’t all black and white, I’ve been back in touch again for around 15 years now. It took time, Hopefully it won’t be as long for you but be kind to yourself. I’m really not sure what people are expecting from you here.

You left, it took a while that is not unusual many years ago it took on average 35 calls to the Police before the courage was found to leave, I believe with the universal credit and others issues problems such as parents rights on birth certificate it is now longer.

The only person responsible is the abuser in this. The link I attached were really useful for me, as much as it hurts he really does need time with the balance of not feeling rejected. Difficult to get right.

There will be others silently reading this thread either in this position or have been and be worrying about future effects on their children which makes some of these responses even more shocking to read.

One poster did bring up your thoughts your daughter sees it differently, I agree, I wouldn’t raise that with your son as he might feel pushed out or the effect minimalised.

FAQs · 26/08/2019 22:11

It might be ok, even if not right now don’t give up on your relationship.

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