How to deal with a gossipy co worker?

[Bradbury301]

I have started working with a woman (just 2 of us in office in big dept) and she is making me feel stressed. She constantly tries to tell me about people’s private lives even though I’ve said I hate gossip. She’s racist and moans about ‘foreigners’ I haven’t told her that I have a mixed background!

Her new thing is to tell everyone that I am ‘after’ all these different married men at work which is making me feel sick as I was cheated on last year. All I do is say good morning to them or chat about work stuff. But by bit it is making me feel sick before I go into work.

My armchair psychology tells me she must be very unhappy, she always goes on about her looks and how she hates how she’s looks and hates how her husband looks. I’ve tried to be nice but she still keeps gossiping.

I don’t feel like any of it is bad enough to go to my manager yet (she’s even told me about her private life!) how do I bring it up without cussing a huge drama as it’s only the two of us in the one office?

*said

OP, you definitely should inform your boss that you are of mixed race and her racist remarks are personally very offensive.

Tell her too, in plain language that her racist remarks to you are deeply offensive. Preferably loudly so others can hear.

You need to fight back.

Do not be run out of position you enjoy.

I would follow Billy1966’s excellent advice. Also, do you know anyone in her previous department? I would talk to them to see what happened (I think you said something about her being difficult there prior to her move to your dept?) to find out what went on. Obviously you cant use any of that directly in your case against her but I just think that if you have an idea of what the difficulties were, you will know what is already on her record which will give you a bit of confidence - its not just you. They may just decide that she is too bloody difficult to have around. And def emphasise your track record with the company (no previous difficulties of this nature?) and the fact that you really liked your job until this woman was dumped on you.

I wish I had sad something the first time she says it but I was just so stunned that anyone would say what she said.

I don’t know anyone she used to work with, she’s secretive about it and doesn’t want to seen anywhere by anyone she worked with!!

Ugh phone *said not says sorry

Can anyone reassure me, I’m really panicking today. If it comes to it how will I prove she says racist comments when it was only me and her in the room? What if she turns it all on me? Can’t stop worrying as she’s told me how she handles conflicts and it’s quite scary.

Ah that whole 'how I handle people who are against me' talk (threat). Definitely dealing with a narcissist.

Of you are the first person to bring up the info in a calm manner with the bosses it will look better. Don't wait. If she goes to the boss before you, you'll be in trouble. Maybe mention all the gossip stuff more than the racism, but still bring it up.

Have you considered recording her?

Maybe she has form for it so if you report her, it won't come as such a shock to management and it will be quite hard for her to turn it round on you.
Like people have said, make notes, ask her to repeat what she just said and write it down, keep being firm with her about her in-appropriateness and make it clear to her you don't appreciate her comments

Or perhaps you could even show them this thread?

She sounds really toxic, so don't waste energy by trying to have a reasonable conversation with her.

Just have a word with your boss.

Actually maybe not wise incase she uses it against you. Hmm, definitely go to hr soon though as she is already anticipating that you are going to..and her next move will be to get there first if she doesn't think her little threat has worked.

Racist comments are racist even without witnesses. Please make a note of all the incidents you can recall, and keep that record going forward.

Do you not know anyone else in your organisation, who might have worked with her?

How's it going op? Any luck sorting things out?

It’s the new one about me apparently going after married men I hate

she always goes on about her looks and how she hates how she’s looks and hates how her husband looks

I had something similar once.

It turned out to just be plain old jealousy because she thought I was more attractive and perceived that I was getting more male attention than her. It wasn't anything untoward - just that I was friendly and approachable and people avoided her because of her negativity. She had to find a way to slur me and that was how she did it.

Keep a written note of every incident and then speak to your manager with HR present too.