How to deal with a gossipy co worker?

[Bradbury301]

I have started working with a woman (just 2 of us in office in big dept) and she is making me feel stressed. She constantly tries to tell me about people’s private lives even though I’ve said I hate gossip. She’s racist and moans about ‘foreigners’ I haven’t told her that I have a mixed background!

Her new thing is to tell everyone that I am ‘after’ all these different married men at work which is making me feel sick as I was cheated on last year. All I do is say good morning to them or chat about work stuff. But by bit it is making me feel sick before I go into work.

My armchair psychology tells me she must be very unhappy, she always goes on about her looks and how she hates how she’s looks and hates how her husband looks. I’ve tried to be nice but she still keeps gossiping.

I don’t feel like any of it is bad enough to go to my manager yet (she’s even told me about her private life!) how do I bring it up without cussing a huge drama as it’s only the two of us in the one office?

I will start the diary, thanks everyone.

Next time she says it, get eye contact and say, 'No, I'm not. And you may think it's light hearted but I find it disgusting that you suggest I'm chasing married men. Stop gossiping.'

And if she gossips about others, just keep working and say, 'You're gossiping again.' Really upfront, like you don't have any fear claling her out on it.

You have to spell out what's wrong with that behaviour because that sort of person is too thick-skinned to work it out for themselves.

Sorry, just caught up. If your manager isn't helping, there is always HR? I agree with everyone else that you need to be firm about her slandering you. She is a nasty bully.

The racist stuff you need to call out once and then report to hr. I sort of can't believe you're letting that slide.

The gossiping - - ugh, I sympathise because I have one of those too. I either just say nothing in response and let her awkwardness hang in the air like a bad smell, or I say something like, "Ew, inappropriate!" which gets an awkward laugh out of her.

I know, I think I was just in shock at what I was hearing.

Thanks everyone.

Can people generally see through slander like the stuff she is saying? They have known me for years and her for a few months but I feel like I am getting funny looks etc lately. Could I be projecting or paranoid? This is a horrible feeling :( I’ve always loved my job and got on really well with coworkers. One person can just make you seem like a shit overnight.

No, no one will believe the slander, especially if you respond with a cold blank stare.

My own gossipy colleague recently waited for one of my male colleagues to leave the room, then she turned to me and said, "Ooo x is a ladies' man, he loves the attention".

I stared at her without responding and she laughed awkwardly.

It didn't remotely affect my opinion of my male colleague.

Ugh I hate it. I feel sick right now and it’s the weekend, I shouldn’t be worrying about this. Why do people have to tear you down. I really like where I work and all I can think of is leaving now as I never know what to expect from her.

Good on you waytooearly for having his back.

It doesn’t help that I was traumatised last year by being cheated on so for someone to say I would do that and keep saying it is making me anxious. I keep trying to tell myself stop being stupid but it’s really affecting me.

Have you an hr department?

Otherwise, as manager is on her side, talking to him will be pointless. And I hate to say it but having dealt with a few of these sort before, I'd advise you just to leave in this scenario. While you can still be sure of a good reference. It isn't worth the fight, you won't win if the boss is already on side. Unless, like u said, there is a solid hr dept you could go to.

Yes we do and there is a manager above both my 2 managers I can go to who is probably more neutral on it all. I’d feel really sad to leave as I like my department.

She probably senses your fear, like a predator. You could try being really firm with her like the whole 'that isn't OK, do not speak to me that way' and make sure you call out these attacks when other people are around and have heard what she has said so she can't twist it and make you the bad guy.

But if this doesn't work, time to go.

It sounds really awful.

Next time she says it in a group could you just try saying "Ew, what did you say?"

Things like 'why would you think that was an acceptable thing to say?'

Oh and do NOT mention what youve said to us about your partner cheating, thinking it will gain sympathy. She will 100% just use it against you.

I did say that to one really disgusting comment about men that she says about me, can’t even repeat as it would reveal my job area. She just went quiet for ages like a naughty kid. She’s an odd character she even goes through my desk and shelves when I’m not there.

...oh shit, basically looking for anything she can use against you. She's a total villain op. Danger alarm bells would be going off for me. I think speak to your more impartial boss asap, as an official complaint.

The thing is she just be really unhappy she’s told me her life story and I feel bad for her but why tear other people down, it’s all about how people look, how ugly they are, what they own.

Yeah I thought so. :(

I would request a meeting with a neutral manager present and office gossip.

Have a note pad with points you want to discuss, including gossip, mild racism, comments about your relations with other staff, going through your desk etc. (Our desk have to be locked for GDPR standards).

I would debrief the manager before hand, but in the meeting I presume they would be acting like a witness.

I would expect that the manager would need to act upon any further comments with a warning? Although it really depends on what your office is like.

Sorry you're going through this

If you really want to stay then you gotta attack this head on. Any compassion or excuses or leyway you make for her will be taken as weakness and she'll go for your jugular. Not sure if you can win this fight tbh but if you've to have any hope, don't try do it by half.

Also, don't make the mistake I once did of taking the person asside for a chat to sort things out like normal humans. She doesn't want to sort things out, she wants to break you.

Oh if course, they are often very 'woe is me, I've had such a hard life', it's just part of their test and to get you to lower your guard. Also commonly these sorts over share early on to build trust/get you to overshare.

Oh yeah that’s true. I’ve tried to be careful as to what I reveal not that I have anything to hide just because everything seems to get twisted.

Thanks for the replies and advice.