How to deal with a gossipy co worker?

[Bradbury301]

I have started working with a woman (just 2 of us in office in big dept) and she is making me feel stressed. She constantly tries to tell me about people’s private lives even though I’ve said I hate gossip. She’s racist and moans about ‘foreigners’ I haven’t told her that I have a mixed background!

Her new thing is to tell everyone that I am ‘after’ all these different married men at work which is making me feel sick as I was cheated on last year. All I do is say good morning to them or chat about work stuff. But by bit it is making me feel sick before I go into work.

My armchair psychology tells me she must be very unhappy, she always goes on about her looks and how she hates how she’s looks and hates how her husband looks. I’ve tried to be nice but she still keeps gossiping.

I don’t feel like any of it is bad enough to go to my manager yet (she’s even told me about her private life!) how do I bring it up without cussing a huge drama as it’s only the two of us in the one office?

She hates you already. Worst mistake we make with these sorts is thinking if we are nice to them they well decide to like us or stop targeting us. Any niceties towards her she will treat as a shark would you leaking blood in the water.

She'll no doubt start telling people you are rude if you stop responding - but just counter that by being your usual nice self to everyone else.

@Piffpaffpoff yeah I keep thinking, this a group of intelligent professionals surely they see through it? Even me who has read a tiny bit of psychology sees through it but no, I am getting weird frosty looks and comments.

Ugh okay, I didn’t see it like that. I wish it wasn’t just the two of us in that office.

No mercy OP. No mercy. She's a bully and knows exactly what she's doing.

All the advice about recording her is spot on, you also need to tackle this head on with an official complaint.

I recently had a manager just like this, I collected examples of her bullying in a Google doc and when it got even worse, told her I would record every 1 to 1 meeting on my phone as she actually threatened me in one of them previously.

This was the trigger I went to HR, with my evidence, they in turn offered me 3 mk the salary to leave quietly. Whilst I would have preferred to get rid of her, for the sake of the rest of the team, it was easier for me to leave as she was clearly being protected by someone above.
I'd go as far to say every time she speaks to you, turn on your phone record. That'll shut her up!

Should have said 3 months

@Bradbury301 what comments are you getting? Set people straight as soon as you can. Remind them that they got on very well with you until recently and the shift in reaction has come about since she arrived. Politely ask people - you could even make a light joke of it is you feel up to it - 'Have you seen evidence of me doing xyz or are you falling for gossip?'

It's bullying. It's what Iago does in Othello to screw the minds of everyone around him. If you are getting frosty looks and comments, challenge them. She's relying on you shrinking. Don't.

Ugh I just want to run away now. Thanks for the tips treacletoots.

She is totally toxic. It’s workplace bullying. Go to HR.

Worried to post comments in case it gets outing. Yeah you’d think people would realise it coincided with her starting.

Yeah I will start to challenge it now.

I've noticed there seems to be a lot more tolerance for toxic people who have always presented as such than say for someone who is just having a bad day/made one mistake.

Its like there's an attitude of 'oh it's just who she is' and a shared consensus of 'let's not call her on her shit (incase she turns on us)'. So sadly a lot of vile people get away with the worst things.

Someone I worked with started a false rumour about them self in response to gossiping. Made the muck rakers look prize twats when it was obviously found to be total BS.

Yeah it does seem like that.

I’m tempted to try making something stupid up but I don’t even think she cares, it’s more that she twists everything. Good morning to a colleague and a chat about work becomes something ridiculous like I am “after them”.

It's easier to look for a job when you already have one than to look when you've had a fall out or been wrongly accused of something.
So look now, keep a diary, have a wuiqt chat with boses boss to say you have concerns.

Yes true, I have been looking on and off will start to put more energy into looking properly now.

It’s absolutely ridiculous for people to say you should leave your job. This woman is hounding you out with unfounded allegations. The company needs to get a grip on this and give her a warning. It is gender stereotyping of the worst kind - suggesting women are only at work in order to “catch” a man there. Truly disgraceful.

Hi OP,
That sounds very, very stressful.
Taking control will help you.
A dear friend of mine went through this.
First off, today, start jotting down as many incidents that you can remember
Date/time/remark/ witnesses/ how you felt.

Then you email your boss and HR and inform them that you are feeling deeply uncomfortable with the sexual/racist remarks that are occurring.

Inform them that you are making a note of all of these incidents to protect yourself.

Inform them that you have worked for years happily in the company without any problems but that it is interfering with your job to be constantly interrupted with sexual innuendo, personal question, character assination's of valued other staff and also going though your personal belongings.
Note everything.

See how he responds.
If he does not respond, copy the email to his boss.

I would also start recording your colleague.

By not dealing with this head on you are vulnerable.
By creating a paper trail you are creating insurance.

My pal had her paperwork in order and senior management told her boss to sort himself out and to back off. He was a bully too.

Take the bull by the horns. Show them you will not take this lying down. Do you have a union?
Remember her having gone through loads of departments works in your favour.

Show your boss he had better step up.

You can always request a camera with voice recording to be installed in your office for your safety.

Obviously you wouldn't mean it really but it would show that you mean business and that you are not prepared to listen to her racist ravings.

She sounds mad, but bloody dangerous without.

Unfortunately as ridiculous as it might sound to someone who has never been in this situation, to suggest op look for another job, it is preferable to staying if it will cost her her reputation, self worth and sanity. Because that can and does happen.
YES hr SHOULD care and SHOULD deal with it as bullying but certain sorts are so manipulative and certain hr departments are so incompetent and Ill inclined/equipt at dealing with these sorts that it just doesn't pan out as such.

Sounds like this woman has just been passed from dept to dept rather than actually dealt with. Which doesn't bode well. Chances are countless excuses have been made for her already that shouldn't have been.

Thanks for all the advice, it’s a great help. Sitting here with heart palpitations worrying about it. I would rather not leave as I like my dept.

Have a go at fighting it first.

Take tonight to chill though, get a flick on and wee glass of wine and try get recharged. What will be will be. But she shouldn't get to ruin your evening.

Thanks Pinkbonbon I’ll try, usually quite good st de-stressing but just can’t stop worrying about this.

Honestly, I truly think you are best getting angry and confronting the cowbag at the next opportunity, and then e-mailing HR (not the wishy washy boss) and tell them what you've said and done and the reasons why. People like this will walk all over you if you don't stand up to them, and they often find a new respect for you, and if they don't I can guarantee that you will for yourself!
Don't take any more of this crap from such a sad individual.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from saying exactly this 'Hi (whatever her name is) I just wanted to gently let you know that I am from a mixed race background so any foreigner type remarks don't really sit well with me. On the same note, I don't really appreciate you saying I'm after everyone in the office as it also doesn't sit well with me and makes me uncomfortable. I like a joke and I want us to get on well so all other topics are open for discussion, jokes and banter'.

Yeah I should have says that the first time. I just sat there with my mouth open as I couldn’t believe what she was saying.