How to deal with a gossipy co worker?

[Bradbury301]

I have started working with a woman (just 2 of us in office in big dept) and she is making me feel stressed. She constantly tries to tell me about people’s private lives even though I’ve said I hate gossip. She’s racist and moans about ‘foreigners’ I haven’t told her that I have a mixed background!

Her new thing is to tell everyone that I am ‘after’ all these different married men at work which is making me feel sick as I was cheated on last year. All I do is say good morning to them or chat about work stuff. But by bit it is making me feel sick before I go into work.

My armchair psychology tells me she must be very unhappy, she always goes on about her looks and how she hates how she’s looks and hates how her husband looks. I’ve tried to be nice but she still keeps gossiping.

I don’t feel like any of it is bad enough to go to my manager yet (she’s even told me about her private life!) how do I bring it up without cussing a huge drama as it’s only the two of us in the one office?

She’s an odd character she even goes through my desk and shelves when I’m not there.

I suspected as much. Hence taking a photo of the notes.

I think I might look for another job anyway or ask about moving. Just a shame if it had to end like that as I’ve really liked working there.

But part of me thinks won’t there be characters like this everywhere, shouldn’t I try to deal with it instead of leaving?

Op is she saying these things to you when you're on you're own, or in front of other people?

There is someone at my job who does the latter and uses other people as a human shield.

Mainly on my own but I get the impression I am being gossiped about by the way she talks about other people and the constant questions she asks me about my life, money, etc etc. I try not to talk about anything personal which seems to annoy her. It’s more the projection. She talks about men and their bodies all the time but she keeps saying this is what I do? It’s just all really weird.

There are a lot of her sort about and normally I'd say that if they are in a superior position to you then just leave but if they are on your level and you really like your job it might be worth fighting for. But because she has already won over your boss...I dunno. I'd start keeping an eye out for new jobs, just because I know the damage these sorts can cause...to your image and also your self confidence and I don't feel anything is worth that.

That being said, if you can get another boss onside and deal with this soon maybe she will back off (more likely just pick someone else to victimise) so... Just don't let it become a dragged out situation, if she keeps getting away with it, she'll never stop.

It’s come to something when you’re sitting here on a Sunday worrying so much about work and debating whether to put glitter in a decoy handbag. Ugh.

I don’t know about my boss, I think I should speak to him again properly. He doesn’t interact with her very much and when he does she just really brown noses him.

It’s like a different face for each person.

Haha I've flat out been told I'm 'frustrating' when I refused to give personal info to one. Jusr kept batting back her questions n turning the focus back to her. It really grinds their gears because they are desperate to find anything they can use to bring you down.

Yeah I think maybe that is part of it, because I’m not giving anything away she’s just making stuff up? I talk to her about lighthearted stuff to keep it civil but she makes something out of everything. She comments on what I eat, what make up I wear and makes weird judgements on it all. I know some of it sounds petty but it just does my head in.

Ugh I know how stupid some of this sounds.

From my exp, a casual talk is no use as it will be brushed asside as a 'clash of personalities'. Workplaces are never really set up towards dealing with disordered personalities, no matter how much they might plug how 'anti bullying' they are.

I would gather as much evidence as possible and put in an official complaint. Probably not to that boss either.

I think she is banking on your ongoing politeness. I really think you need to come down hard on her. I would tell her firmly to stop asking personal questions. It's unprofessional and inappropriate and it's ok to say so.You need a few firm phrases to use when she does things like this.

Also I don't think this is gossiping, it's bullying.

Its not stupid at all, her sort have a way of getting in our heads, they are the same kind that make abusive partners/parents. Vile humans with not a shred of kindness and driven by a need to put everyone down in order to feel superior. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

Yeah will do, thanks for your advice. It’s sad really because deep down she seems nice and I can see why people become like this. Just too much when it’s two of you and it makes me anxious and everyone starts believing the nonsense they make up.

Sounds dreadful op. I’d be going with a firm word backed up with an email bcc’d into someone outwith the direct chain of command as insurance.

if she’s asking you lots of personal stuff I think I’d also be making stuff up now, a) for my own amusement and b) to trip her up. So next time she’s prying just say something benign but false and see what she does with it.

What’s the best way to deal with it until I can leave? I know you says bat away the questions, I will do that.

I like @milliefiori's advice. You have to call people out like this. Most of us don't because we don't want a scene or to be thought of as rude. You have to confront people like this. Loudly, clearly, firmly. I'd say in a clear ringing voice "what on earth are you talking about? I am doing no such thing!" every single time she makes a snide accusation and I would stand my ground and keep on saying "no, explain what you mean" over and over again no matter how awkward it gets. It will feel awful the first few times. Your heart will pound and you'll feel awkward and embarrassed but believe me it does get easier. Direct confrontation is the only thing that works with people like this. Being nice and hoping they'll start to like you and leave you along never works.

My experience of a slightly similar situation is that everyone else knows what she’s like and are probably happy that she’s focusing her attentions on you as it means they are in the clear for now. So although you might feel weird calling her out on things to start with, everyone will know why you are doing it and not be surprised.

I can’t tell you the relief I felt when someone took me aside after 6 months of similar treatment and said ‘it’s not you, it’s them, and everybody else knows it’. Didn’t solve the problem but made me feel less isolated.

I'd say in the meantime, avoid her as much as possible, walk away from her of she starts being inappropriate, say 'don't speak to/about me like that' flatly when required. Don't let her see you upset/annoyed. Infact stay as deadpan as pos as these want a reaction. And yeah, keep a diary. And make sure boss is informed that you do not like the way she is behaving towards you.

And stop trying to keep it civil. No chit chat. Just professional interactions about work and polite good mornings and good byes. If she asks what's wrong then a smiley "nothing at all, are you ok?"

Okay thanks for the tips. I’m worried she will turn on me if I stop any general chat?

Yeah I was wondering if anyone else had picked up on it but I don’t think so as it is me getting a weird frosty atmosphere lately from everybody out of the blue.

She's already turned on you and appears to be using you as her personal cat scratching post.