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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell her?

101 replies

budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:03

Wife cheated on me with a guy from work, I found out in May and made sure that he knew that i had found out.
I know him and his wife, not really well but have been round for a brew.
Our son starts school soon and his wife is a shcool teacher at the same school.
I have tolds him nemerous times that he needs to tell her or i will but he still hasnt (most recently gave him 24 hours, which has been and gone).
I have her number and could call her now, what do i do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 23:05

Stay out of it. What good will telling her be? What do you think it will solve? You need to be concentrating on your own marriage and whether or not you can come back from this.

rdef · 24/08/2019 23:05

Why do you want to tell her? What is your reasoning? Do you think she deserves to know or do you want to cause as much pain and hurt as possible? How do you know he hasn't told her?

almostn9ne · 24/08/2019 23:07

I know you're pissed off with your wife (and him) but I think you should just focus on your own situation and not bother anyone else. Their marriage is 'not your circus, not your monkeys' and all that.

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:08

My marriage is over, wife admitted that she hasnt loved me for 2 years.
She deserves to know.
I gain absolutely nothing out of it apart from knowing that i think i have done the right thing

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 24/08/2019 23:08

No! Your child is starting school and whenever she sees him she will link him to her husband's affair partner. Hopefully she'd be professional and treat him no differently but it would introduce huge negativity into what is a big milestone in your child's life. I'd never do it in these circumstances. Put your child first.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2019 23:11

What's the point in an ultimatum you won't go through with?

I personally would like to know if my H cheated.

Tell her. She deserves to know. I wouldn't care what your reasons for telling me were, as long as I was getting the truth.

Any pain she feels as a result is 100% down to her cheating husband.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 23:11

I gain absolutely nothing out of it apart from knowing that i think i have done the right thing

Oh stop it. The right thing? For who? You want to tell her to get your pound of flesh. You want revenge, plain and simple. You have no idea what goes on in their marriage and what factors may be involved. Move on with your life.

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:14

@Aquamarine1029 The right thing for her. im in the camp of i would like to know if my oh had cheated, no matter who told me so i could make my own decisions.

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 24/08/2019 23:14

No OP. Their marriage is none of your business. Stay out of it. It just smacks of vindictiveness

PumpkinP · 24/08/2019 23:14

It’s funny, when a woman posts and says she found out the man she was dating is married/in a relationship everyone always tells her to tell the wife but if it’s a man apparently he should move on with his life 🤔

StrumpersPlunkett · 24/08/2019 23:15

How do you know she isn’t already aware and handling it in her own way.
Their relationship is none of your business

I am sorry your marriage is over and your wife cheated on you but it really doesn’t give you the right to interfere.

I would not appreciate you telling me if you are about to knock on my door thanks.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2019 23:15

Do you know if she will teach your son?

Is your son starting Reception or secondary school?

Does she know your wife and would she have to know your son is your son...if you get me.

If there's any chance she might teach your son, I

Pretendapony · 24/08/2019 23:16

If I was the teacher I would want to know what my husband did.

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:17

@SandyY2K
Not sure if she will teach him, he is starting reception she teaches year 2, only a small school.
Yes she knows my wife, and would know the our son is our son

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 24/08/2019 23:19

If the affair is on going then yes I would tell.
As someone just said if it is a woman whose husband has cheated on her then everyone says they deserve to know so they can decide if the relationship is salvageable so what is the difference. His wife has a right to know in this situation.
If the affair is over then I don't really know what would be best tbh.

SVRT19674 · 24/08/2019 23:20

Tell her. Stick to facts and then move on. She then can choose to do with that information whatever she will. She has a right to know and to decide whether she wishes to waste any more time on the bugger.

Sadiesnakes · 24/08/2019 23:20

Yeah it is vindictive, but I get that, why should he have a happy life when yours is in tatters. It's only human nature, I guess.

I think the wife deserves to know she's living a lie. I'd want to know my husband was shagging around, why wouldn't I? Most people would want to know, a kiss maybe not, but a full blown affair, fuck that.

She needs to know, he needs to tell her.

You are right op. Do it..

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:21

@StrumpersPlunkett
So what would be the "best" way to find out?
She doesnt know as he has told me he hasnt told her.

OP posts:
Cherryade8 · 24/08/2019 23:39

She needs to know. Otherwise she is living a lie. I would probably email her, dont write too much detail and make clear your intentions are kind.

ViserionTheDragon · 24/08/2019 23:41

I get the feeling from your answers to previous posts that you want to tell her because you want revenge on her H and that your marriage has pretty much ended. I feel for you, I really do. But given that your sons will be in the same year group in school and that she could potentially be your DS' teacher in a couple of years, telling her would be selfish and reckless. Can you not see that? Think about the effect it would have on both of those innocent boys. If you tell her, take your DS out of that school.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2019 23:44

I'd hope she wouldn't treat such a young child any different, because her H had an affair with the mother.
I'd understand if it was a child born from the affair.

@StrumpersPlunkett

Since when did informing a betrayed spouse the truth, become interfering?

Do you have proof of the affair, because cheaters lie and deny?

If you have proof, ensure a face to face meeting or communication that cannot be intercepted by him.

Even though your wife is now available...he's obviously not interested in her beyond the affair or he would have left his wife.

For the pp who say she probably knows or might know...then hearing what you already know won't be an issue will it.

Far too many women like burying their head in the sand.

Knowledge is power....by not telling her, you're taking away her decision making on the issue.

The only time I say not to tell, is if you have evidence it may lead to violence.

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:46

@ViserionTheDragon
It is only my son that is going to her school.
I dont feel that i want revenge on her H.
I have lost what ever i have lost, i think that i want to tell her so she can decide, and hope, hope, that if she ever teaches my son in a few years, then she stays professional

OP posts:
puttingitalloutandabout · 24/08/2019 23:47

Tell her! If it was my DH I'd want to know!

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 24/08/2019 23:49

I'd want to know if I was here, whatever yoir motivation is. Chances are she knows something but he's denied/gaslightes etc. When my ex cheated I thought I was going crazy. He said it was my hormones (I was 8 months pregnant) and it continued until I found out when our son was 3 weeks old. For all those weeks I knew something wasn't right. I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

So yes OP tell her. I would have been thankful to you.

Original poster
budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:50

@SandyY2K
I have proof, i have messages where he admits it to me.
My wife (and by the way, soon to be ex wife) still admits that she has feelings for him, but he has said previously that he would just leave the job so he could remove himself from the situation. I honestly am not sure if i trust either of them!

OP posts: