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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell her?

101 replies

budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:03

Wife cheated on me with a guy from work, I found out in May and made sure that he knew that i had found out.
I know him and his wife, not really well but have been round for a brew.
Our son starts school soon and his wife is a shcool teacher at the same school.
I have tolds him nemerous times that he needs to tell her or i will but he still hasnt (most recently gave him 24 hours, which has been and gone).
I have her number and could call her now, what do i do?

OP posts:

Monty27 · 25/08/2019 04:47

As long as telling her is meant well and not malicious in any way
OP your decision

Winterlife · 25/08/2019 04:54

I don’t know the answer, but my concern would be she knows and will take it out on your son.

AmIThough · 25/08/2019 05:10

I'd tell her, too.

I can't believe how many people have said not to.
He'll do it to her again if he's got away with it once.

thehouseinhousesitter · 25/08/2019 05:16

I would. She deserves to know her sexual health has been jeopardised, at the very least.

Tongo · 25/08/2019 05:54

I would want to know and thank you for telling me. That poor woman. I’d also consider sending my child to a different school and getting a fresh start

BobbyGentry · 25/08/2019 06:42

Perhaps ask the safeguarding officer at the school what’s best for your child as there maybe times that the OM is at school, or she teachers you child, or wife talks to teacher a PTCs. It’s a big can of worms that will come out during your child’s time at the school so seeking advise on how best to protect child might be in everyone’s interest.

todaytomorrowthenextday · 25/08/2019 06:44

I agree with OP I would want to know about his wife being OW.
I was in a situation where I suspected and eventually could prove my ex was a prolific cheat.
I thought there were just two of us.
I gave my ex the opportunity to tell the other. He didn't believe I would be able to find and contact her...so he didn't...but I did.
It wasn't out of revenge against him, it was because I knew she had no clue. When I told her she admitted she didn't think he had it in him to do what he had done and wanted to meet.
We did and had a couple bottles of wine, exchanged stories and at that point it was fairly obvious there were more than just us (ie once she found out about me she assumed a bracelet she found in sofa was mine and I assumed a random appearing leather jacket was hers - but neither were).
She went back to him very quickly and as far as I'm aware, they're still together.
I felt relived that I'd shared with her and supported whatever decision she made as she was making it from an informed position.
I knew I would never ever have any contact again.

Londongirl07 · 25/08/2019 07:29

I wouldn’t tell her, you could end up breaking another family apart. I know the other man has already done this but his wife is none the wiser...

On the other hand I would want to know if my other half was cheating on me but would you want that on your conscience that you’ll potentially ruin a family unit for another child? (Not you directly as the father done this by cheating however as mentioned the family are none the wiser and their family unit is not your business).

Tough choice I do get it and id respect your decision anyway you choose

SimplySteveRedux · 25/08/2019 07:34

I'd want to know.

the man regrets what he did

🤣

CloudyWithAChance2 · 25/08/2019 07:48

It’s clear that you won’t be able to move on with your life until you have this off your chest, so you should tell her.
Regardless of whether it’s because you ‘want to do the right thing’ or get back at the guy that screwed your wife and still has his family (I think it’s the latter), you need to move on. Do it.

Caucho · 25/08/2019 08:05

It’s not always about revenge. The poster seems to be sanguine rather than bitter but suppose we have to take his word. I appreciate it’s difficult to believe that revenge doesn’t enter into it but there is a moral point about giving people the facts so they can make their own choices and not be duped. If you’re someone who’s had the dirty done on them it makes sense to emphasise with the other wronged party. He doesn’t seem extremely furious and accepts his relationship is done

Banangana · 25/08/2019 08:06

Alternatively, would you want it on your conscience knowing that the husband is potentially putting the wife's health at a risk and she could catch something very nasty from him?

Or that she may be going insane knowing that something is very off but has no actual proof, and you're potentially sitting on the evidence that helps her connect the dots and make sense of what's been going on in her life?

Blueoasis · 25/08/2019 08:06

Tell her.

Why do people say don't tell her? Why would you be happy to let someone else put their health at risk from possible STIs because you can't be bothered to say anything? Why would you be happy to let this 'man' potentially get the tramp he is shagging pregnant while his wife sits at home caring for their children? You want to screw up more lives? Feeling guilty about having an affair yourself or just wouldn't want to be found out? I don't get it. There's no humanity any more. No one cares about anyone but themselves.

beccarocksbaby · 25/08/2019 08:19

I told my husbands OW husband, we are now good friends. He was being gaslit and treated appallingly by her and as I had been through the same thing I felt some level of responsibility. He was grateful but on reflection it could have gone very much the other way. He was very suspicious of me to start with. I was very angry the day I told him but I had been thinking about it a while.

All hell broke loose at first. Then it calmed down. The OW felt highly victimised and then went on the attack, stalked me a while and tried to disrupt my work etc. It was humiliating but we got through it and my work were supportive.

Think carefully about the effect on your child, and you. You'll have to see this person regularly. She could respond very differently and accuse you of harassing her. She could be off with your child. She could dismiss you and treat you as if you're nuts unless you have some very good proof. If someone had told me my husband was cheating I would have thought they were crazy. Denial is a strong coping mechanism.

Good luck whatever you decide. My biggest piece of advice is leave the other man alone. Block him and stop giving him headspace. Get some good therapy too. It's made a massive amount of difference for me.

Thatagain · 25/08/2019 10:47

Tell her she will appreciate it. Not only that she may already know she just needs conformation. I wish someone did that for me instead of looking for myself. Do what is right and tell her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2019 10:56

I would want to know.

Gemma1971 · 25/08/2019 11:09

She deserves to know and I would think it highly unlikely that her husband is going to tell her.

If you were in her shoes, you would want to know, right? And for all ANYONE knows, your wife may not be the only other person he was sleeping with.

I would be concerned about the possible repercussions though. Might he become violent? Might he attempt to destroy your reputation/business? He has already been a negative force in your life, but do you want to risk even more negativity?

Still, that being said, I would want to know.... It's also how you tell her that's another question...

Everafter1 · 25/08/2019 11:11

This is a tough one as it will negatively affect her in her workplace. She'll have no escape. She'll be getting organised to get a new term started.
Plus the worry/humiliation of her other parents & pupils finding out. This would also concern me for your son, it's still his mum & kids can be cruel.
Your wife & her husband have been completely selfish but this needs extra sensitivity. He's aware you could tell her at any time, maybe best to let him do it privately.

Gemma1971 · 25/08/2019 11:27

I really doubt the husband is ever going to tell her.

I sat here thinking about my half-baked answer. I would want to know, absolutely. Somebody has to tell her. I dare like to bet she knows something is going on already, betrayed people usually do, there are ALWAYS signs of SOMETHING not being right. Just look at how many people come on here asking for advice about why their husband is out late and not calling, always on their phone but deleting the messages or call history.

My ex was up to all sorts, including hard drug use and dealing. He had already slept with prostitutes in the past, and I let it go, but I buried my head in the sand for a while about stuff that was RIGHT in my face. When I asked him about weird stuff I noticed, he called me insecure and crazy, gaslit the hell out of me, then accused ME of cheating.

Cheaters will do ANYTHING to avoid revealing the dishonest person that they really are under the facade. But nobody can keep up a facade forever.

The other thing is that she may well find out from somebody else. She may never find out at all if you don't tell her. But she deserves the truth. And as someone else said earlier, it may well be the one thing that helps her to connect all the dots and stop this b*** from gaslighting her. She could well have serious anxiety from the situation. I know I did. Do you know how horrible it is to just KNOW something is happening in your relationship, but it's constantly denied and YOU are being told you are mentally ill? It is one of the sickest things to do to someone, a real mind F.

Tell her. Calmly, gently tell her. What she does then with her relationship is up to her. And I am sure your son will not be affected. This is nothing to do with a small and innocent child.

Always be prepared for her not to believe you. Someone tried to cheat with me once. I met him in a pub, arranged to meet him a few days later... found out he was married on FB. I messaged his wife and she called me a lying bitch and to stop harassing her family. Be prepared for that too.

thepinkp · 25/08/2019 11:34

Tell her, she deserves the truth from you. Just give the facts, you have the evidence. I'd want to know! Who cares what your motives are, he's a cheater and has no balls to tell himself.. it may well still be going on!

sippingteaquietly · 25/08/2019 11:49

Think carefully about what you are going to do and really think about your reasoning behind this.

The reason I say this is a friend of mine found out her husband was having an affair, she told the OW’s partner thinking they would split up however, they didn’t split up. They worked on their marriage and are still together 4 years later and now have a child.

My friend, is a bitter women, and couldn’t believe the ow’s partner didn’t leave. She would contact him daily saying she couldn’t believe he was still with her. A first she only told him the facts but once she knew he wasn’t leaving she told him every single detail of text messages, pictures that she had found and showed him the proof.

My friend still hasn’t moved on, he ex has (with someone else) and the OW and her partner has, and to this day my friend will still mention how stupid OW’s partner is.

So if your telling her for the sake of she needs to do, then go ahead if that’s your real reason BUT if deep down your doing it purely for revenge so that her husband is suffering then don’t do it, because you don’t know what the outcome will be.

I truely understand what your going through, my husband had an affair too.

Jade218 · 25/08/2019 12:10

You could potentially make your sons life hell at school. Don't do it (until he leaves or moves school!)

todaytomorrowthenextday · 25/08/2019 12:32

Teachers are professionals. It's a regulated profession. It's very unlikely she would do anything that would risk her job and career.

PennyPittstop · 25/08/2019 12:43

If you decide to tell her, please do it with compassion and sympathy and not out of spite or revenge. Have any evidence of the affair available to show her. Be prepared for her to be angry with you as the bearer of bad news and the possibility that she will accuse you of lying.

PennyPittstop · 25/08/2019 12:46

Posted too soon but just wanted to add, bear in mind that she is going to be starting a new school year this week. If you are going to tell her and destroy her world with the knowledge, you need to do it today so that she has as much time as possible to process what you tell her before she has to deal with a load of excitable kids at school.

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