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Original poster

Do I tell her?

101 replies

budge2019 · 24/08/2019 23:03

Wife cheated on me with a guy from work, I found out in May and made sure that he knew that i had found out.
I know him and his wife, not really well but have been round for a brew.
Our son starts school soon and his wife is a shcool teacher at the same school.
I have tolds him nemerous times that he needs to tell her or i will but he still hasnt (most recently gave him 24 hours, which has been and gone).
I have her number and could call her now, what do i do?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 25/08/2019 14:07

I'm surprised at how many of you would be happy for your child to start school under a cloud like this.

Gemma1971 · 25/08/2019 14:41

This has nothing to do with the child. If she is a woman with a heart AND a professional, then she will treat the child exactly like the others.

The child should not even be an issue.

Gemma1971 · 25/08/2019 14:42

Put yourself in the woman's shoes. Does anyone on here REALLY believe she would be horrible to the child? Come on....

NoCauseRebel · 25/08/2019 15:05

The OP isn’t this man’s moral guardian. Yes, the bloke cheated with his wife but he also left his job so that he could stay away from the situation. Clearly this isn’t an affair which he wished to continue, and the OP by sending threats to “tell her or he will” is just spiteful and vindictive. Added to which he is essentially going to say “so, your husband’s been shagging my wife, oh, and my son will be starting school there next week, so please be nice to him.” That’s just going to feel like sticking the knife in and I don’t believe for a second this is about anything more than revenge.

And OP be careful what you wish for. if you tell this woman and their marriage breaks up then he could easily go back to your ex and then become your son’s stepfather. Whereas now it seems he has deliberately removed himself from the situation so as to work on his own marriage. And what goes on in that marriage is none of your business.

PS: I would say the same regardless of whether it was a man or a woman.

CarolDanvers · 25/08/2019 16:25

It's possible she could be of course it is, though probably not but that's not what I mean. A really important milestone is going to be tainted for all concerned. I'd not want that to be what I think of when I think of my child starting school, it wouldn't be my priority. OP will get over this in time. He's basically prioritising revenge over his child. That child deserves an uncomplicated and happy start to school not one with complex and seedy adult issues surrounding and colouring it. It's already too late for his child to get that, but telling this woman will just extenuate the unpleasantness and every time she sees OP's son for the next six years she will be reminded. How can she do her job as well as possible with that hanging over her? I would never tell her. If it comes out another way then fair enough but I wouldn't be responsible for that.

ilikethisusernamethemost · 25/08/2019 16:39

If my DH was cheating on me then I would absolutely want to know. Tell her, give her the evidence and let her decide what she wants to do. The 3 of you are making the decision for her to stay with her cheating husband and it's not fair in my eyes. You've been fair and given this guy the time to tell her himself. He's a coward and needs to deal with the consequences of shagging someone else's wife.

RuffleCrow · 25/08/2019 16:47

Oh just tell her. You'll likely get made the nearest scapegoat for their marital problems, but life's too short for deep dark secrets. She has a right to know.

Smilebehappy123 · 25/08/2019 16:48

The sheer hypocrisy in this thread is astounding , if this was a woman guarantee she would be encouraged to tell the betrayed husband !!

CarolDanvers · 25/08/2019 17:10

Not by me she wouldn't. Not in this situation. I AM a woman. My husband cheated on me repeatedly and it ended my marriage and I still wouldn't say anything because I would put my child first not my own need for revenge.

Spotsandstars · 25/08/2019 20:53

Tell her now before school begins so she has some space to grieve a bit and sort things through. Secrets like this are wrong.

epari · 25/08/2019 20:56

If I was the woman, I would want to know tell her in the nicest way possible.
It's unfair for her to be deceived because I highly doubt this dickhead will ever tell her.

Tell her. You have nothing to lose

C0untDucku1a · 25/08/2019 20:58

Tell her. You said 24 hours and it has passed. So tell her. She probably wont believe you but tell her.

rdef · 25/08/2019 21:01

My husband cheated on me. I told the OW's husband. I was branded a lunatic troublemaker. I was told "I trust my wife".

Tell her if you think it's the right thing to do. But you've given him plenty of notice to come up with a plausible story.

justilou1 · 26/08/2019 04:47

I would want to know if my husband was cheating. I would definitely want proof, also. You have this....
I think you should do this before school starts in a private and respectful manner.

Belfield · 26/08/2019 14:10

I'd leave well alone. Based on mumsnet, loads of people seem to forgive affairs and continue the marriage but there is loads of drama and baggage from knowing. Some like to know, me included, but you don't know this lady enough to decipher her personality.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 15:17

I'd leave well alone. Based on mumsnet, loads of people seem to forgive affairs and continue the marriage but there is loads of drama and baggage from knowing. Some like to know, me included, but you don't know this lady enough to decipher her personality.

But without knowing she doesn't get to make that decision. She blindly carries on and probably so does he. A lot of heartache could be saved.

Finding out about DH affair was incredibly distressing but I am so glad I found out. Without it ending we would have crashed and burned and caused far far more heartache

Notthetoothfairy · 26/08/2019 15:32

I would want to know.

Opaljewel · 30/08/2019 10:08

Tell her. I would want to know definitely so I could make choices about my own life.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2019 11:20

It's horrible being the last to know.
She deserves to know what has been going on.
At the moment she probably feels like she is going insane.
She knows something is off but has no idea what.
Definitely tell her.
Don't give him any more ultimatums.
Just tell her.
Be kind about it.
Offer proof if you have it.

WhatToDoNowTim · 30/08/2019 12:00

Tell her absolutely.

I agree with a PP who said when a woman asks this same question, the consensus is always that she should tell the husband.

Whether it be because you want revenge or because you want to do it for her, it's still the right thing to do. Your motivation doesn't matter to me. She deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do. If that makes you feel good for fucking over her husband in the process than so what. She still deserves to know and anyone who says they wouldn't get a slight bit of satisfaction from screwing over the other man whilst doing so is lying in my opinion.

Be gentle, be kind and do it knowing you're not in the wrong, you didn't put her in this position, her husband (and your wife) did. Let her make a choice about her own life with all the facts. It's absolutely shit being the last person to know.

whocanbebothered · 30/08/2019 15:31

If this was a woman asking whether to tell the husband of the OW, I guarantee there would be far less people crying "Mind your own business" and "You have nothing to gain". Tell her. Why should your world have crumbled and his gets to stay rosy. If I was the wife and all these people knew my husband had been cheating on me, I would be mortified. TELL HER.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/08/2019 15:46

If this was a woman asking whether to tell the husband of the OW, I guarantee there would be far less people crying "Mind your own business" and "You have nothing to gain". Tell her. Why should your world have crumbled and his gets to stay rosy. If I was the wife and all these people knew my husband had been cheating on me, I would be mortified. TELL HER.

I agree Flowers

FirstTimeToddlerMum · 30/08/2019 15:50

Tell her, she deserves to know.

You'd have been better posting and saying you are a woman whose husband had cheated on you as you'd have got a very different response, sad but true.

Sorry things are a bit shit at the minute. Thanks

mirrormirrorlookatme · 30/08/2019 16:00

I would tell her. She has every right to make fully informed decisions on who she spends the rest of her life with. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a lying cheating scum bag.

willloman · 31/08/2019 17:48

Text her and tell her to ask her husband about X (your wife).
Husband then has opportunity to come clean. If she wants more info she can get in touch. If she doesn't want to know then she can ignore it. Good luck. And yes, hiding the fact, as if you have done something wrong, is out of order. Posters here do seem to have double standards. Good luck.