Do I tell her?

[budge2019]

Wife cheated on me with a guy from work, I found out in May and made sure that he knew that i had found out.
I know him and his wife, not really well but have been round for a brew.
Our son starts school soon and his wife is a shcool teacher at the same school.
I have tolds him nemerous times that he needs to tell her or i will but he still hasnt (most recently gave him 24 hours, which has been and gone).
I have her number and could call her now, what do i do?

Apologies then, OP, on both counts! I hope she would stay professional too. I wish you all the best whether you tell her or not.

We all say we'd want to know but because this is a man it seems to skew the answers. She deserves to know.

Don't see why not, all you'll be delivering is the truth. The fact that the truth is shit is no fault of yours.

Completely agree seems to be double standards here. She should be told and then it's up to her to make her decision as to what to do about it.

I'd tell her. Sorry you got hurt

If you tell her you would need to send your son to another school.

Don't tell her Budge, it will achieve nothing. For all you know, the man regrets what he did and will never again be unfaithful.

I do feel for you though, it's a rotten thing to happen.

I’d tell her because I would want to know. I know it’s hard to be a ‘messenger’ but you say you have proof so it should make it easier in that respect.

You have to stop giving ultimatums you’re not going to stick to though. Just tell her.

Sorry you are going through a difficult marriage break-up and your wife has treated you so disgustingly

@tempester28
Why? and btw, he starts on Thursday

Of course you tell her!
No idea why bonkers people here say not to. How is she to know if people don’t tell her?
I would want to know if it was me.

@Rachelover40
It will achieve the fact that she knows so she can make her own decision on what to do!
It doesnt matter if he regrets what he did, he still did it.
And please, completely agree or disagree to tell her or not. Im still so totally unsure on what to do

It’s funny, when a woman posts and says she found out the man she was dating is married/in a relationship everyone always tells her to tell the wife but if it’s a man apparently he should move on with his life

Yes, exactly.

Tell her. She’s wasting her life with a cheat. She should make the decision on her marriage knowing all the facts. Do the right thing.

I’d want to know. I say tell her.

I never really got the ‘be the bigger person’ crap that’s spouted here. You’re doing the woman a favour and then it’s up to her to do what she wants with that information. Imagine she finds out further down the line when she is teaching your child? That would be worse imo

I would want to know.

Your wife might not be his only affair. She may need STI testing. She deserves to be able to protect her own health and well-being. If it were my husband, I’d want the opportunity make my own decision.

As a pp said, be to the point; kind and no need for minute details. Be prepared for her to want to contact you. I think if you get in touch with her, it would be then unfair for you to then block and leave her in limbo (which is often the advice on mumsnet).

Do you suspect that they are still shagging?

I'm clearly not in the majority her but I would tell her. One because I would want to to know if I was her and two because why should he get away unscathed? Not a popular opinion but I've been cheated on and found it frustrating that my life was in ruins whilst the OW just carried on as normal. It still grates on me now that I had no way of contacting her husband.

I'd tell her. I would absolutely want to know.

It’s funny, when a woman posts and says she found out the man she was dating is married/in a relationship everyone always tells her to tell the wife but if it’s a man apparently he should move on with his life

Yes, as always.

OP, tell her, it's the right thing to do. If you were a woman that is what everyone else would be telling you. Just yesterday there was a thread where a woman's husband kissed a mutual friend whilst severely drunk and ALL replies stated for her to tell her husband!

Unfortunately the MN double standards against men will never end.

I would want to know. I found out after months of thinking I was going crazy. People normally know something is wrong anyway. My DH confessed because he knew that I knew. Tell her.

Pease tell her. She deserves to know the truth about her own life and marriage.

Surely if she had found out first, you would have wanted her to inform you.

OP you cannot take it out on the wife.

Thank you budge. I don't know either, frankly! Of course if I was the man's wife I would want to know but if I didn't know, well, I'd probably be OK.
You have to make your own mind up about this. It really is awful for you and you have my sympathy.

I was in a similar situation but I was the not aware wife of a cheat. The mistresses husband found out about the affair months before me but didn't tell me - he says because she initially convinced him me and now ex Dh had separated the year before - we hadn't - and then months later when he found out this wasnt true still didn't tell me as his solc said not to complicate matters.

I wish he had told me as soon as he knew so I hadn't wasted extra months with my cheating ex and unwillingly being put at risk of STDs etc for the period he was still stringing me along whilst shagging the tramp at work. Would have also saved months of being called crazy once we did split whilst ex dh denied the said affair 🤬

I'd tell her because I'd 100% want to know. I'd want to make decisions about my life and my sexual health based on all of the information and I'd hate to be in the dark about this.