Involuntarily celibate whilst married :(

[PriscillaWhite]

I don’t think I can do it much longer. I know it sounds dramatic, but I just feel so empty. DH and I have been together for a long time (since uni). We were fine for the first half of our relationship, but for the past 6/8 years, DH has wanted pretty much zero sex. He likes lots of affection though and every day he wants to hold hands, cuddle and peck on the lips, but very little actual real intimacy (it’s like a kind of sibling affection I think). Now after 3 pregnancies (we are somehow very fertile despite rarely having sex) and I’m now emerging from having very young DC and feel like I’m a butterfly or something.

I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, but finally I’m feeling back to looking good, wearing lovely clothes, wanting to work out and be groomed and finally sleeping well. And all of sudden my libido is through the roof.

I feel so sad. And empty. It’s such a shallow empty marriage now, but we have a lovely life and beautiful DC and generally happy home.

DH would never agree to an open relationship. I think he’s asexual. Actually I think he’s probably got a porn addiction (I don’t have proof though, it’s only my suspicion).

So I’m stuck. I could leave our long relationship and upset our DC in order to meet my own selfish needs. Or I just stay as we are. I don’t know why my own needs have changed so suddenly. I was fine (not really fine, but I was keeping my emotions under control). Tonight I feel like crying, as I just need sex. Sorry that sounds crude, but it’s been 2.5 years for us. Actually that was the date our youngest DC was conceived! It’s forever ago.

WWYD? If I didn’t have DC, I’d leave. Now if I leave, I wouldn’t see my wonderful children every day. They’re my world. I could leave and have sex with someone else, but then my body would be fulfilled, but my heart would hurt 😔

Ah love - your needs aren't selfish they're human.

Can you tell him how it's making you feel?

This was me & I stuck it out for over 12yrs. It broke my heart in two & the intimacy just eroded & it wrecked my self-esteem. I left & got my life back.

I’m in the same boat so I have no useful advice because I don’t know how to handle it either. It’s awful. FWIW porn addiction definitely was a factor in my relationship but two separate attempts at therapy have made naff all difference to our relationship once the initial ‘best behaviour’ phase wore off.

If he is asexual and he admits to it then he should be fine with opening up the relationship. Asexuals still have sexual feeling and are more likely to watch porn and masturbate. What you're describing an asexual person would identify as heteromantic.
This lack of sex has nothing to do with you and you should not take it personally. Feel unattractive or let it effect your self esteem. The best web site for info on asexuals is www.asexuality.org. it may answer some of your questions about your OH.
Its a difficult situation you're in and won't be resolved unless he admits to his asexuality if indeed it is that.

Could you have a discussion with DH about this? Ask him how he expects you to satisfy your sexual needs if he isn’t going to?
There are only a few options:

1. Divorce and seek a new partner
2. Stay in the sexless marriage and have an affair
3. Stay, but remain celibate for the next 40 years
4. DH seeks treatment for whatever is causing his problem and resumes normal service with you. It’s up to the two of you which solution you find acceptable. I may say, this seems to be increasingly common nowadays - are the current young generation of men all being porn damaged to the point of impotence in normal relationships?

Perhaps he has a problem which is affecting his libido or ability?
Talking would be the best way to go. I hope you can both be honest about things and perhaps that will lead to a better understanding,or acceptance that a medical appointment may be required,and help you both

Thank you for taking the time to answer. I’ve had 2 double G&Ts which is probably what’s made me more emotional about this tonight. I’ve come to bed early, as I was on the verge of shouting at him that I just need sex. But that would be so out of the ordinary, it would feel wrong and awkward to say it.

I didn’t even get a peck on the lips tonight, he kissed me on the cheek. I’m officially changing my name to ugly old aunt Muriel! That’s how you kiss a random relative.

I could cry that it’s got so awful and this is actually our normal!! I think in the pregnancy/baby/toddler/breastfeeding/exhaustion phase I just didn’t have the energy to think about it or really question it much.

I know a few of you have asked if I can talk about it with DH, but the answer is that I can’t. It is just mortifying. And counselling isn’t really an option either. It’s just astonishing that DH can think it’s ok for 2 healthy mid-30’s people to be married and celibate. It’s partly my fault for letting it continue for so long.

I have previously mentioned to DH that he should have his testosterone checked, as we both have annual medical as through work, but he didn’t seem to follow up on that.

I suppose one of the big things holding me back from addressing the issue properly is that I actually bought a toy about a year ago in some effort to do something different (I actually researched and decided on something by a company called Lelo, so not in anyway vulgar). I tried to introduce it when he seemed a bit interested and it went really badly wrong. He threw a big strop (perhaps feeling threatened) and I actually threw away the toy. We’ve not mentioned it since. So I suppose he now thinks I don’t even self indulge in pleasure either.

Around the same time, he came up behind me whilst I was brushing my teeth one night and grabbed hold of my then baggy “mum tum” whilst hugging me. At the time I was so upset. I already felt ugly.

Maybe he’s done those things so I don’t get ideas out of the box. I don’t know.

We both have busy careers and money isn’t an issue, so at least if the worst comes to the worst, I can support our DC alone. It hurts my heart though to think of possible future Christmas/birthdays without my DSs and DD. I just can’t imagine living a day without them. I occasionally travel for work. I don’t know if I’ll crumble one day and actually accept someone else’s advances. It wouldn’t be someone who is attached themselves (as I wouldn’t destroy someone else’s family), but on balance actually why would I destroy my own by doing that.

Maybe the answer is to buy myself a toy (confidentially to avoid the shit show of last time) and that can be my physical fulfilment.

Thank you for reading if you’ve got this far.

Around the same time, he came up behind me whilst I was brushing my teeth one night and grabbed hold of my then baggy “mum tum” whilst hugging me. At the time I was so upset. I already felt ugly.

That was absolutely intentional and designed to make you feel unattractive.

Actually, I would be concerned that he is a madonna/whore complex holder and that he sees your role (and he feels entitled to this) as a sexless being who tends to his house and children. He gives you a peck on the cheek like a man pats a dog. It's affection, unfortunately not the right kind for a wife.

Have you ever considered whether he may have cheated on you? It really is a mistake to assume that these "happily celebate" men are celebate with everyone else too. Sometimes, they actually only want YOU to be celebate, whilst they suit themselves (which is a pretty horrendous type of long term abuse).

threw a big strop (perhaps feeling threatened) and I actually threw away the toy

Masculinity as fragile as a wet paper towel! I know you said you can’t speak to him but you must. You need to communicate that you have needs and they need to be met and if they’re not then there will need to be a very serious conversation about how to move forward!

Porn? Are you sure hes not cheating also. I'd check that out if I were you. Hes compartmentalised you maybe.

This happened to me at 50 OH had a turps op that went wrong post surgery complications. I cried, raged and struggled with it for ten years, I can cope now.

You should put all of this in an e-mail and send it to him when you are out of reach. Stop being mortified this is your partner not a priest. My GP even suggested I should have an affair. He said other patients had done that.

Do not go through what I went through for the next thirty years a decade was hard enough. He has a problem not you.

I'd have an affair.

You poor love, you sound so lonely.

If it goes on like this, your marriage is over anyway, so why not just talk to him? What have you got to lose?

Well you might as well talk to him since if things carry on like they are it's going to end in the big D anyway. I did two years of a zero sex relationship and it wrecked me. It was truly shit. Have a bash at making him confront it, but if that fails I'd be splitting and up and finding someone who would smash me. Sex is tooo good to give up indefinitely!

I've got a friend who has just decided to end a sexless marriage. It's been 10 years and they've been married for 17. They moved to a new house, and just took separate bedrooms and that is how it's stayed for the last decade. The mental health of my friend has taken such a massive hit it's ended in breakdown and now therapy. This has brought the strength to accept it's over. I don't understand it, there is no communication at all, they are both young and very attractive, successful. No kids. Outwardly perfect. They manage to keep a very good social front and do lots of things together in public before going home to separate lives. It's extremely sad and unhealthy and I am glad to see that this is coming to an end for both their sakes. They both deserve to find happiness with better suited people because they are not suited to eachother at all. Or at least not now. I don't think, like you, it was like that at the beginning at all.

OP, you've evolved, the situation is awful for both of you. I don't find this easy to say as I am divorced due to my exh's affair, a divorce I didn't want so I am very much an advocate of finding a way forward, counselling etc and doing everything you can to save what you have before making the cut. However, I think in your situation, if you can't communicate, can't suggest counselling, you're both starved of physical intimacy, it's not a long term sustainable situation and you will end up angry and bitter eventually. I'd end it. This is much easier said than done, I appreciate, but much better than affairs, open marriage, relying on toys so on and so forth. Life is too short. I wish you happiness with whatever you decide

This is so wrong OP. I'm a 'for better or worse' person but this man is deliberately hurting you emotionally. Why is it ok for him to use porn as an aid and you arent allowed a toy?

There is nothing wrong with you. This selfish weak lazy man would rather wank over images of prostitutes than put any effort into making love to his wife and mother of his children. He has a libido. Just no concern for your needs. He either gets counselling or it's game over.

In the mean time use your toy as much as you like and don't let him stop you.

Oh and he knows you are hot. The tummy grab was just to make you doubt yourself

You need to speak to him. The best time is at night in bed with the lights out as you can't see each other's faces. My husband had a porn addiction and was t actually aware that he did it was talks in the dark about how I felt they helped. He has warned himself of it and won't take his phone to the toilet at all. Talking is the best advice, don't have an affair it will rip your family apart

Just in addition to my previous post, nobody but nobody should be in a situation where approaching their unhappiness with their husband/wife is "mortifying". If you can't do that with your nearest and dearest, the person you should be able to confide in and trust most in the world, then that is a very strong signal that some tough and possibly drastic decisions have to be made.

"That was absolutely intentional and designed to make you feel unattractive."
How do you know? It could have just been meant to be affectionate, to let her know he doesn't mind her tummy. Although whatever his motivation it was clearly a bad idea.

It's hard to say exactly what it is which causes him to be so sexless because it could be any one of the suggestions already posted about.

What I will say is, it's possible the tummy grab was intended to hurt you, but both myself and my OH are very plus-sized and have saggy everything and I do tend to hold onto/ grab/ squish various extra squidgy parts of him when we hug. Sometimes (not often, and I wish it was more often) he might do the same.

My relationship is sexless, and it is hurting me. But I rarely have a libido; I just need that closeness with someone sometimes, and preferably that someone would be my OH. I do worry that I seem to keep checking out emotionally. Self preservation.

I'd go with emailing him when you're at work.

It's not selfish. Your relationship with oh has changed at his behest.
Leave. It won't get better.

Ah I'm sorry op

But I think you also need to consider he's unaware of the effect its having, maybe he thinks you're not really arsed. If you don't tell him, he can't know.

So before you start throwing around the idea of leaving I think you need to have a sit down chat with him and explain how you're feeling. Then take it from there. I'm worried you find the thought of leaving less awful than a 'mortifying' talk for the sake of your marriage?

Your dh is in a relationship with porn.

It's as simple as that. He's choosing wanking to countless naked women over sex with a real woman, You.

It's lazy, selfish and extremely damaging to your self esteem, at the very least.

He needs to stop or you need to leave. There is no other option.

@Sadiesnakes you can't have sex on demand from someone who clearly isn't interested.