Involuntarily celibate whilst married :(

[PriscillaWhite]

I don’t think I can do it much longer. I know it sounds dramatic, but I just feel so empty. DH and I have been together for a long time (since uni). We were fine for the first half of our relationship, but for the past 6/8 years, DH has wanted pretty much zero sex. He likes lots of affection though and every day he wants to hold hands, cuddle and peck on the lips, but very little actual real intimacy (it’s like a kind of sibling affection I think). Now after 3 pregnancies (we are somehow very fertile despite rarely having sex) and I’m now emerging from having very young DC and feel like I’m a butterfly or something.

I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, but finally I’m feeling back to looking good, wearing lovely clothes, wanting to work out and be groomed and finally sleeping well. And all of sudden my libido is through the roof.

I feel so sad. And empty. It’s such a shallow empty marriage now, but we have a lovely life and beautiful DC and generally happy home.

DH would never agree to an open relationship. I think he’s asexual. Actually I think he’s probably got a porn addiction (I don’t have proof though, it’s only my suspicion).

So I’m stuck. I could leave our long relationship and upset our DC in order to meet my own selfish needs. Or I just stay as we are. I don’t know why my own needs have changed so suddenly. I was fine (not really fine, but I was keeping my emotions under control). Tonight I feel like crying, as I just need sex. Sorry that sounds crude, but it’s been 2.5 years for us. Actually that was the date our youngest DC was conceived! It’s forever ago.

WWYD? If I didn’t have DC, I’d leave. Now if I leave, I wouldn’t see my wonderful children every day. They’re my world. I could leave and have sex with someone else, but then my body would be fulfilled, but my heart would hurt 😔

OP, this wouldn't be everyone's choice but I'm moved to share my experience if it's any help to see another person's way forward. I'm in a very loving, caring supportive relationship with someone who doesn't want to have sex. I had to decide. I was mid 30's at the time. Sexuality erupting. Feeling very down and thinking I do deserve, as does everyone, a sexually fulfilling relationship, but I knew it couldn't be with this otherwise perfect person. I decided to stay. FWIW my oh doesn't have a porn addiction, some people just have low libido. I've continued to look after myself and my needs and now, soon to be 50, I'm glad I stayed and worked through it. I think the filmTake This Waltz really captured the decision I had to make. I don't regret my decision.

Perhaps like men have always done we should take a lover. One man for the home a father figure and one for the fun.

My GP said of patients who took a lover when their partner did not fulfill them made the marriage stronger if the woman could compartmentalise as men can.

Hi . I am in exactly the same position as you . Except it's 12 years since we last had sex . I can't talk to my husband about it either . We get on well , but I miss sex desperately . We have a daughter with very severe disabilities and I think the stress of living like we do ( although I do most of the care for our gorgeous girl ) We live here more like brother and sister but it works for us. You have to decide if you want to be in this position for the rest of your life or not . We get on well enough for me to have written this aspect out of our relationship but it's not been easy for me . It was just more important for me to keep things stable at home. You have a lot of soul searching to do but I really empathise with you as it really hirts feeling you are totally unattractive to your husband