Involuntarily celibate whilst married :(

[PriscillaWhite]

I don’t think I can do it much longer. I know it sounds dramatic, but I just feel so empty. DH and I have been together for a long time (since uni). We were fine for the first half of our relationship, but for the past 6/8 years, DH has wanted pretty much zero sex. He likes lots of affection though and every day he wants to hold hands, cuddle and peck on the lips, but very little actual real intimacy (it’s like a kind of sibling affection I think). Now after 3 pregnancies (we are somehow very fertile despite rarely having sex) and I’m now emerging from having very young DC and feel like I’m a butterfly or something.

I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, but finally I’m feeling back to looking good, wearing lovely clothes, wanting to work out and be groomed and finally sleeping well. And all of sudden my libido is through the roof.

I feel so sad. And empty. It’s such a shallow empty marriage now, but we have a lovely life and beautiful DC and generally happy home.

DH would never agree to an open relationship. I think he’s asexual. Actually I think he’s probably got a porn addiction (I don’t have proof though, it’s only my suspicion).

So I’m stuck. I could leave our long relationship and upset our DC in order to meet my own selfish needs. Or I just stay as we are. I don’t know why my own needs have changed so suddenly. I was fine (not really fine, but I was keeping my emotions under control). Tonight I feel like crying, as I just need sex. Sorry that sounds crude, but it’s been 2.5 years for us. Actually that was the date our youngest DC was conceived! It’s forever ago.

WWYD? If I didn’t have DC, I’d leave. Now if I leave, I wouldn’t see my wonderful children every day. They’re my world. I could leave and have sex with someone else, but then my body would be fulfilled, but my heart would hurt 😔

@Monty27 What are you talking about?
Where did I mention op could get sex on demand?

There's no way round this without communication. Try writing an email about it. And put all of your feelings down honestly and baldly. (Don't say I'd like sex once a month/week or whatever. Try not to quantify for a lot of reasons.)

Say you don't want to discuss it because you find it mortifying so tonight in bed with the lights out you will discuss it. But please make it completely clear if he doesn't discuss it this will mean the end of the current status quo because it's destroying you.

You at least need to know what's honestly going on so you have honest choices.

@Sadiesnakes
Sorry you didn't. I mistagged you.
Í absolutely do agree with your post

It's such a lonely situation, I had similar with a ex, my DDs dad, at first we was at it like rabbits, he was never particularly affectionate but sex wasn't a issue. After our daughter was born sex dried up, went to once a month, then once every couple of months then non existent. I was early 20s, he was late 20s. I felt disgusting, unattractive and just craved any kind of affection, I never got so much as a hug and we didn't so much as kiss, other than the odd peck on the cheek for years, I felt so lonely, and embarrassed especially when friends would talk about their sex life's/partners and I had nothing to add to the conversation, I felt passed it and unloveable/unattractive.
After a few years I cheated on him, I know it was wrong, but someone showed me some attention, made me feel wanted and attractive again and I caved and slept with him, I regretted cheating, so I dont suggest going down that route, it will always be the reason me and my DDs dad split and he made sure he told EVERYONE and my DD will likely find that out one day, and I'm praying she won't hate me.
I suggest giving him a ultimatum, it's him getting some medical help/counselling or you leave, it's not fair for you to live that way, your needs aren't selfish, it's a basic human need and you are entitled to it.

I truly understand how you feel.

Sadly I am thirty years on from you. It is should destroying and heartbreaking. I decided to stay because my husband is a good man and I loved him....but....

Perhaps your husband will as mine has done sometime in the future if you stay together, re-write history and deny his selfishness making it appear you were complicit with the arrangement and “didn’t want it either”.....

How I understand your frustration, anger, sadness.

Please think how you will feel twenty, thirty years from now, coping with these emotions. You are effectively trading an otherwise comfortable secure life for your own mental and physical wellbeing.

Eventually your children will grow up and leave and have their own happy fulfilled lives and where will you be then.

You will be left with an ageing partner in a housemate relationship when you will be empty and resentful. Further on you may find yourself - as I now am - your husband’s carer, I still love my husband but I can never forgive or forget that he decided, without acknowledging MY needs that MY sex life was over for ever.

His impotence was as a result of a medical condition. There were other ways he could have ensured I was sexually fulfilled but he never did and this hurt and hurts me still.

He had major surgery this year. On leaving for the theatre he gave me a kiss. It was only the second time he had done this in twenty five years.

You are important too, please don’t accept a sad and lonely future.

You are not happy and never will be. The most you can hope for is that you will lose your libido during the menopause. But even then you will look back over all these wasted years. I wish I had known I was asexual and I'd never have got married (and divorced) twice but I didn't know such a thing existed until my 50s.
I am an a romantic asexual. Not interested in sex or a romantic partnership.
Sounds like your husband is asexual. He'd probably be happier on his own in the long run so I wouldn't waste another second on this marriage. It's time for divorce.
From my asexual point of view divorce was a happy release and freedom. He may feel the same eventually.

madcatladyforever is probably right. Fundamentally, he just isn't that interested in sex or romance.

I am sort of in the same boat but not quite so bad. My dp and I will maybe do it once a month. He claims low libido but I have my suspicions that he's using porn occasionally too. He is very affectionate in every other way though.

I can understand why you find it hard to talk. Even with someone so close to you it can be a very sensitive topic. Ultimately you don't want to have to negotiate sex anyway, you just want him to want you. But sadly mismatched sex drives seem to be a big thing these days.

My dp and I are engaged and I am going to have to have the chat with him before we get married as I'm not sure that I can commit to a lifetime of this. It's one thing to accept his low libido and make compromises. It's another to just feel unworthy of effort and like this is 'just how it is so deal with it.' That attitude really frustrates me.

But he is a good man and it's the best relationship I've ever had in every other way. So it's not easy to just pack up and leave over this especially when there are kids involved. Before you make any decisions you need to talk and let him know how you feel whether it's face to face or by email/letter as others have suggested. I'm still rehearsing my speech lol. Good luck x

So sorry, I really understand how this makes you feel, it's awful.
For years I would get this horrid little dry, pursed kisses as if my grandmother had just kissed me, it made me feel so angry and hurt.

I put up with rejection for two decades, funnily enough during the last year, when I had let go and just didn't care anymore he suddenly discovered a libido.

I suggest along with medical/ psychological reasons you also consider these possibility that he is witholding sex on purpose with full knowledge of the confusion and pain he is causing you.

In the end, you need to center yourself. Lots of women spend time asking 'why does he do this?' ' why doesn't he want me?'. Please change the narrative 'why do I accept this?' ' what do I want?'.

"when I had let go and just didn't care anymore he suddenly discovered a libido"
I think this is an example of "hysterical bonding". It would have just been a brief, unsustainable burst to keep you from leaving.

"he is witholding sex on purpose with full knowledge of the confusion and pain he is causing you"
I think its far more likely he's just depressed with a very low libido rather than some kind of calculating sociopath.

scott with respect I may have more insight to my 20 year marriage and the motivations of my ex.

I didn't call anyone a sociopath, I said along with looking into medical and psychological reasons for the husband's behaviour it may be prudent to question his motivations alongside.

No one should make decisions on their life coming only from a sympathetic veiwpoint to the other person.
At least as much effort should be put into protecting oneself. Therefore at some point the why doesn't matter and the OP should think what she wants for herself.

This is why people have affairs

Don’t be so sure he isn’t already

I would suggest going to marriage counselling. Sex is a basic need. It's not fair on you. If counselling doesn't work then you have to leave.

Lots of women spend time asking 'why does he do this?' ' why doesn't he want me?'. Please change the narrative 'why do I accept this?' ' what do I want?'.

This!!! I agree it is difficult when DC are involved that you want to be with not seperated from half the time. I feels like a double punishment

I don’t know why he grabbed your tummy, could have been a cuddle and he doesn’t know how much you dislike that part of your body. Could have been him thinking about your dc being in there and how happy you both were then. Or it could have been deliberate to make you feel unattractive (as making you feel bad may either inspire you to not let yourself go, or to make him feel happier about his own health or other types of insecurities).
He may or may not be using porn, you have no evidence of that either.
Sounds like you need physical closeness to know you are loved and he doesn’t. And I don’t mean sex. As others have said, you need to talk. If you have to write him a letter or an email than do it. Perhaps along the lines of your relationship and how it’s difficult for many couples to keep it alive when they have small dc’s. And then working up to his feelings about the subject of sex. Suggest couples counselling. He has to know how much you want to be the way you were and that you can’t live like you’re brother and sister or flat mates with him. You need to decide what you want to do if he refuses to discuss it or refuses to change and he has to know that and that you will follow through.
Incidentally, I was in the same boat and it turned out my ex no longer fancied me as I was ‘fat’. I had gone from a size 12 to a size 14 over ten year of a relationship. I realised I didn’t fancy him either, it was just a safe and convenient choice. So I dumped him and never looked back. Six months later he was dating a size 18 woman so it wasn’t that he only fancied size 12 women at all, it was more he just didn’t fancy me and picked in one aspect of Me as an excuse to blame me for his lack of attraction to me. So he felt the same as I did about him. I just didn’t realise how I felt as it was a convenient way of life that I though was forever. But I’m happier now.
Anyway. Good luck and you will be happy again, the only way is up. .

@Scott72 You have to ask yourself why 99% of your posts are in some form defensive of porn addiction.
Op has stated her dh is a porn addict. Yet here you are again claiming depression and low libido.

Maybe you need to consider why you feel so strongly in favour of porn use, and can't acknowledge its addiction potential, despite the numerous almost daily posts here with women experiencing exactly that, husbands addicted to porn.

Makes me feel you have a problem yourself? And maybe your advice is based on selfish reasons.

I know a few of you have asked if I can talk about it with DH, but the answer is that I can’t. It is just mortifying

It’s just astonishing that DH can think it’s ok for 2 healthy mid-30’s people to be married and celibate

But not astonishing that you have three kids together and find talking about sex "mortifying?"

You HAVE to talk to him. You owe it to both of you.

I was careful not to mention porn at all, even that's not enough apparently. Look yeah I know in your worldview the only thing that can diminish a man's libido is porn. Nothing else. If it wasn't for the scourge of porn, all men would be rampant for sex 24/7.

Scott72 Yet tis only the porn threads you respond to and defend.🤔

If I'm not mistaken your history is a mismatched libido with your wife, yours being highest? So I'm wondering what actual experience you have with being male and low libido?

Because that seems to be your go to in defence of the women who are actually stating their dp's are using porn in preference to sex, yet you'll still pop in and insist it couldn't possibly be the porn.

You really need to have a completely frank conversation about it. Ask him how he feels and see whether he wants things to change. Maybe you could have sexual or relationship counselling. If he doesn't want to have the conversation though then you need to consider your options

Don’t have an affair.

More serious even than the sex is the breakdown in communication. You need to speak to him. Don’t say you can’t, you can and must. If you want to save this family you need to start talking.

I would also get some counselling.

You need to talk to him. This is your partner. Tell him you feel like you are emerging from the mommy fog. Tell him you want a date night. Tell him you want to send the kids to grandmas and check into a hotel for the weekend so you can have a mini honeymoon. Tell him that you share a lovely family life together, but you are also happy to be emerging from the baby days so you can focus on your connection as a couple. He may surprise you.

I know you don't want to, but unless you talk to him nothing will get resolved and it will only escalate.

If the talk goes badly then at least you can act on that, and if you do leave, at least you can say you tried

Speak to him. There's no other way through this

You must get over your self-imposed embarrassment and talk to him about this. He isn't a mind reader and there is no hope for change unless he knows exactly how you feel. Stop being so silly and TALK.