Involuntarily celibate whilst married :(

[PriscillaWhite]

I don’t think I can do it much longer. I know it sounds dramatic, but I just feel so empty. DH and I have been together for a long time (since uni). We were fine for the first half of our relationship, but for the past 6/8 years, DH has wanted pretty much zero sex. He likes lots of affection though and every day he wants to hold hands, cuddle and peck on the lips, but very little actual real intimacy (it’s like a kind of sibling affection I think). Now after 3 pregnancies (we are somehow very fertile despite rarely having sex) and I’m now emerging from having very young DC and feel like I’m a butterfly or something.

I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, but finally I’m feeling back to looking good, wearing lovely clothes, wanting to work out and be groomed and finally sleeping well. And all of sudden my libido is through the roof.

I feel so sad. And empty. It’s such a shallow empty marriage now, but we have a lovely life and beautiful DC and generally happy home.

DH would never agree to an open relationship. I think he’s asexual. Actually I think he’s probably got a porn addiction (I don’t have proof though, it’s only my suspicion).

So I’m stuck. I could leave our long relationship and upset our DC in order to meet my own selfish needs. Or I just stay as we are. I don’t know why my own needs have changed so suddenly. I was fine (not really fine, but I was keeping my emotions under control). Tonight I feel like crying, as I just need sex. Sorry that sounds crude, but it’s been 2.5 years for us. Actually that was the date our youngest DC was conceived! It’s forever ago.

WWYD? If I didn’t have DC, I’d leave. Now if I leave, I wouldn’t see my wonderful children every day. They’re my world. I could leave and have sex with someone else, but then my body would be fulfilled, but my heart would hurt 😔

Another one here for writing a letter.

Thing is he's not just checked out sexually, he's checked out emotionally.

I find his issue with your Lelo, and his reaction, interesting too. I have had a few years of inability to have sex after surgery and ongoing issues but quality sex toys have been a fabulous way to maintain the sexual dynamic and intimacy (then don't get me started on the app controlled We-Vibes ). I cannot understand other men who feel threatened by an inanimate object, and you shouldn't have thrown it away there's a much better place you could have shoved it.

No doubt if you wished to look outside the marriage he'd have a massive problem, you're abandoning your children, your motherly "duties" (all tosh of course), yet it's fine for him to deprive you, without any valid reason.

There is nothing wrong with you. This selfish weak lazy man would rather wank over images of prostitutes than put any effort into making love to his wife and mother of his children. He has a libido. Just no concern for your needs.
*
Oh and he knows you are hot. The tummy grab was just to make you doubt yourself*

Oh absolutely, he's trying to keep you beholden to him while attacking your self-esteem.

As I've read many times on MN over the years: life is too short for shit/no sex. Yet more than this, it's the calculated removal of intimacy I find so utterly deplorable.

Sounds way too familiar ... I'm guessing I'm older than you, stuck it out then out of the blue he announces he wants to separate, there is no one else he just wants to live alone and be friends (which is all were were basically) In a way he's forced the issue - you need to be brave and properly talk, don't make rash decisions but plan for the future however that will unfold. Can you see yourself having this conversation in 10 years time? If not you need to put yourself first

The thought of spending time apart from your children is often much worse than the reality. I quite enjoyed the peace and me time when I split with my ex.

Unfulfilled relationships eat away at your mental health.

I wonder if anyone can offer any ideas on how to open up the dialogue? I'm going through similar with my dp and I do understand the OP's point of view about it being hard to talk. Certain topics are sensitive even with someone you're close to. I've tried before and I can see my dp is visibly uncomfortable - perhaps embarrassed. He just sort of nods and agrees and says the right things but nothing gets resolved.

For years I would get this horrid little dry, pursed kisses as if my grandmother had just kissed me

My husband started bowing his head when I went to kiss him, so I would end up kissing his forehead rather than his mouth. Like he's a king and I'm his subject or something. So I stopped trying to kiss him. On the extremely rare occasion he kisses me, it's a horrid puckered peck on the cheek, really fast - like this PP says, a kiss from a grandma.

He withdrew sex 10 years ago and I don't know why because he refuses to discuss it. He avoids any intimate conversation whatsoever and we only talk about superficial things - what we will have for dinner, jobs that need doing, etc.

No hugs, no hand holding, nothing. He's like a housemate - we're just friends.

The thing is, he'll be gobsmacked when I tell him I want a divorce. He likes things exactly as they are and has me exactly where he wants me.

Hi op i feel very similar to you although i dont want sex either. I have some health problems which make sex painful for me.
But i do miss the intimacy. Like many on here our sex life dried up and so did the kisses, cuddles etc.we also sleep in seperate beds. Im not even 35 yet.
I already know that i want to separate from my husband but like you i cannot bare the thought of being apart from my children. I will tolerate anything if it means i get to be with them. When they are older teenagers i plan on seperating and I will be happy to live alonw as ive had to put up with years of answering to another person, not being able to decorate how id like, go where i like on holiday etc, pick a car id like, eat what i like, have as many pets as i like. Everything really. Hes not controlling but everything has to be jointly decided in a relationship and i actually hate it!

Just curious here but the OP mentions she has no proof he's porn addicted but yet a lot of people here seem determined this is the cause, isn't that just pure speculation?
No-one knows what he's thinking because OP won't talk to him and that's the only thing she should really be doing not contemplating an affair but talking to him like an adult and finding out what's going on in his head and if it can be fixed. If not then it's perhaps time to find your happiness somewhere else.

I do know of a husband who did this. His wife was convinced he was taking care of himself, tissues etc. left around, men are so careless. When they sold the house to downsize he told her there was another woman he had found and she could find somewhere to rent, he vamoosed with the money from their home. She had then to fight hard to get some back.

Talking is easier said than done though, sure they should be able to communicate about any subject. But when you can see the expected result of that conversation it suddenly gets very scary. If the worst case scenario involves dropping the D bomb then there really is no way back...

I Understand why talking would be scary but just to embark on an affair which will end in the D word anyway has to be just as scary, sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable in life. If you can't have an adult conversation about sex with someone you have 3 children with then you seriously do need to grow up.

Unless the status quo is the lesser of two evils. In which case why rock the boat until it becomes the greater? I don't know if OP is at that stage though.

I'm not sure it is simply a case of growing up either, I am conflict avoidant and struggle with difficult conversations. My partner is far more avoidant than me. The conversation has to be two way, and in my experience getting that to occur is impossible unless both are on board.

You say you can't talk to him and counselling isn't an option - well, if you want to avoid divorcing, or some sort of messy affair further down the line, or years of resentment, those are your only options I'm afraid.

If he refuses to talk about the issue or go to therapy then at least you know that this is not a fixable problem and you can start to look at other options.

I've been where you are and I know how devastating it is - and I also know that if you don't do or say anything eventually the bitterness and rejection will destroy you. Doing nothing and pushing it under the carpet will come back to bite you in the ass in the end.

This happened to my childhood friend.
Her dh after 3 children lost his libido and they would have sex maybe 6 times a year.
She bought toys etc and he made her feel dirty for having them.

So she had an affair. She has had a few now I think and it is like she has 2 separate lives.
Thing is I always feel that people who cheat should keep it to themselves, as despite feeling sorry for her marriage and understanding why I also know her husband so find it massively awkward when I bump into him at the supermarket or what ever.
Like I have her secrets written all over my face... terrible.

@timshelthechoice

Great advice

May be get testosterone levels checked, I heard after they hit 30 I think the levels drop and such things as drinking beer, lots of soy in diet and other things I can't remember now can contribute heavily to low testosterone...That might help to identify why he is like it...affair and porn addiction aside of course which is the usual speculation on here I know you said about suspect porn addiction but it's all speculation.

Thanks all. Lots to think about and I know there’s overwhelming advice to go to counselling. I don’t know how that would work. Presumably you tell a stranger all of your issues and then they mediate a discussion? Maybe I’ll start another thread to ask what relationship counselling actual entails. I’m sceptical. I think a special connection is really broken between us and no amount of talking about it will undo the hurt already caused.

I’m nearly back to where I want to be physically. I’ve booked waxing, hair and nail appointments etc for the next couple of weeks. This will help me feel as nice as possible (and hopefully help cast off some of the dreadful feeling of being grotesque). I’ll be a new woman seemingly going through an early mid-life crisis 😊

PIL are visiting this weekend. They’ve taken the DC out. We were just both in our bedroom with the windows open, nice breeze and lovely sunny view that’s not overlooked. Oh what I would have given for some romance, but one can daydream. Actually it would have felt awkward. I think our relationship is now platonic and I doubt there’s a way back from that.

Whatever I do, I’ll keep my options open. I think probably by living two different lives as someone mentioned above. My priority is keeping a happy home for our DC. And by that I mean where there’s no bad atmosphere. If we continue in a friendly sibling like state that should be ok.

Thank you for listening and I’m glad I had this thread the other night when I was feeling very emotional about the topic. I think talking to him is all well and good in theory, but it is a potentially explosive subject and I’m concerned I’ll end up starting a big blow up that goes straight to the end.

Clearly something "wrong" or different in relation to your DH.

He's either

(a) Asexual. This has been an eye opener for me, on this thread. I do meet people who I feel are somewhat "asexual" and this explains it well.

(b) Punishing you - a bit far fetched but I suppose possible.

(c) Not interested in you sexually for whatever reason (porn/asexual, doesn't fancy you etc etc).

(d) Medical.

I don't see that you can get to the bottom of what the problem is without talking to him. I think its totally not on that your husband can just deprive you of sex without even a semblance of an explanation, especially after so long. 2.5 years without sex is absolutely ridiculous, it really is, there is something seriously wrong (with him) and he needs to bloody confront it - how dare he just deprive you of this without even a glance .

Once you have an idea what the problem is, you can decide what to do and if the relationship is worth salvaging.

p.s. if you can't talk to him about this massive giant elephant in the room there is a big problem in your relationship anyway. I understand these issues are "sensitive" issues and need to be dealt with sensitively - but come on - just ignored for years. Its weird!!

Ooops. Just read your last post - glad to see you seem happier and relaxed about your situation.

But I still think its strange and wrong for a DH to deprive his DW of sex, and I hope you find some kind of solution, somehow.

Sorry OP but you're a fool if you think you can keep two separate lives, sooner or later something will go wrong - you'll catch feelings for someone else or you'll slip up somehow and your DH will find out and that's going to destroy him and your children far more than just growing up and having a conversation would do.
You're coming across very selfishly by refusing to speak to him or have counselling and just determined to go and shag someone else. He's already being selfish by not talking to you and finding a solution you don't need to be dropping to that level because all it is a painful future for everyone involved including your kids.

So you've decided to get your sexual satisfaction from a source that isn't your husband, @PriscillaWhite ?

Wow, 2.5 years without sex and you can't discuss it properly. As others have said, this probably says more about your communication issues than sexual ones.

Since you say that you had a good relationship at the start I doubt he is asexual, if he was he would never have been interested. Porn addiction is a possibility though if you have no evidence at all it's a bit iffy - how does he behave when you are together 24/7 eg on holiday? Take his phone in the bathroom? Is he excessively secretive about his phone or laptop (how would he react if you asked to borrow them)?

It is certainly not normal for a man in his 30s not to want sex, if he is otherwise healthy it is very unlikely to be a medical issue so that only leaves more difficult options. But unless you talk to him and make your position clear the issue will not move forward.

You need to talk to him about this.

If he won't talk about it then you need to talk to a solicitor.

You need to decide how long you are going to waste your life in an unfulfilling relationship.

Well she can take a lover then. As long as she can manage to keep it from her OH, if he works long hours is busy and she can keep up the game it will work for her in the short term, long term who knows. I suspect the french had it sussed as did the aristocracy.

It occurs to me no-one has wondered if he is gay. My friend was devastated when her OH ran off with a boutique owner leaving her with four children. Luckily he was wealthy so money was not an issue but she went through hell when it all came out.