AIBU to be vaguely unsettled by his reaction? Red flag?

[thepeopleversuswork]

New(ish) partner, about 9 months. Is very sweet, kind and understanding and very patient with my 8 year old DD. Partner doesn't have kids.

Backstory is my ex and I have been separated for four years but until recently saw a fair amount of each other. He recently threatened me with violence and is now under an injunction so contact with DD is limited and via third parties. DD is obviously upset about this. By pure, unfortunate coincidence, this coincided roughly with the point where she was getting to know my new partner.

She has been a bit guarded with my new bf but is coming around to him. I have introduced him very slowly and tried not to go at a level she is not comfortable with. There have been stops and starts but I thought we were moving in the right direction and they seem to be becoming friends.

This morning after he had stayed over she "hid" a personal item of his as a prank. It was frustrating as it delayed him on his way into work. It was obviously a naughty thing to do and I was cross with her and made her apologise and have revoked screen privileges for a couple of days. I've since had a long chat with her about what happened and why she did it etc. Told her boyfriend is not going to replace dad and that dad will always be here for her etc, but that she is not allowed to do things like this and must treat him with respect. She admitted she wants mum and dad to get back together, likes new boyfriend but he's not her dad. All fairly understandable.

Boyfriend, who usually contacts me multiple times during the day, pointedly did not after this. I spoke to him on the phone and was superficially understanding and accepted all apologies given but it was very clear from his tone and lack of response he was very pissed off and when pressed on this he admitted it although said he had calmed down.

To be clear, he has never done anything which in any way crosses a line in his treatment of her and has been very patient and understanding about her sometimes unreasonable behaviour with him. I can't fault him on this. But I am upset that he is pissed off about something which, while clearly annoying and naughty is a) trivial in the scheme of things and b) obviously has been brought on by her confusion about things. I sensed, though he didn't say this in so many words, that he thought I should have been tougher in my treatment of her.

AIBU to feel upset that he couldn't see this? Or should I cut him some slack on this as he is otherwise doing his best and tried to keep his anger under wraps? Am I just overthinking the whole thing?

I’m not sure about this.

I agree it’s a trivial and normal bit of naughtiness from a child of 8 especially in her position.

But he doesn’t have children so is maybe seeing this kind of behaviour for the first time and overreacting a bit? I remember thinking a 4 year old cousin was very naughty until I had a 4 year old of my own and realised it was all normal!

So maybe cut him some slack?

I don’t believe in ignoring your instincts though, so I suppose I’d remember this and keep an eye out for anything else worrying.

Maybe chat to him about it again when it’s less fresh and see how he is then?

I think he had every right to feel annoyed and dound it. It does sound like you might be a bit quick to make excuses for her too. I mean you have been separated for 4 years so 'I wish mommy and daddy would get back together' lines are probably just nonsense to tug on your heartstrings at this point lol.

But that aside she is your kid and youve dine what you should and told her off for it. What more could you do tbh. It isn't a red flag unless he starts telling you how you should discipline your child. But sounding annoyed? That's fair.

That line about controlling his anger though? ...umm...this is a one off tone of voice from him right? I mean he doesn't generally sound angry about trivialish stuff does he?

8by8 agreed. I certainly think he did his level best to be outwardly calm about it which counts in his favour but I'm slightly troubled by the fact he clearly felt like he wanted to explode.

He has since suggested we all sit down (me, him and her) and we talk about her concerns etc.

I'm absolutely sure he's trying, I just don't know whether he's up to the job, to be brutal.

No chance of us having our own kids (I'm too old and he doesn't want any) so if we stay together he will never understand first hand.

Will keep a watching brief.

Thanks

Sorry but as for the introduction to new BG coinciding with her Dad not being allowed access; of course she's going to mix the two up. She's 8.

I think you need to get new BF to back right off, for months if need be. Your girl needs reassuring right now, so having to get to know Mum's new boyfriend while she's missing her Dad.

Sorry but I think this was a potentially massive error on your part.

That's not a red flag.

Sorry, mistype. I mean not having to get to know your new BF. That should be right at the bottom of your list of priorities right now.

Pinkbonbon I probably am a bit soft with her in these situations tbh. I tend to err on the side of not wanting to "side with him" over her as I firmly believe she has to believe I will always put her needs over his. But maybe I have gone too far in the other direction.

GreenFingers I am very conscious of this. The introduction to him was made before her dad went off the rails and I did scale back contact after it happened, but I accept that it may have been problematic.

Arguably I should have ended the relationship at that point - I didn't and maybe that was a mistake.

Have you even tried to look at it from his point of view? It must have been incredibly annoying, and all he gets to do is suck it up and deal with it, with absolutely NO history if putting up with these types of things, and not being able to do anything about resolving it himself.

You were able to 'do' something, he had to sit in the sidelines and suppress his irritation. In many ways it's easier being the person who gets to deal with the situation, as you are doing something, instead of sitting in the sidelines feeling frustrated and inconsequential.

Give him a break, this isn't a red flag.

I don't think it's a red flag and tbh if I'd been made late for work by something like this I'd be mightily pissed off and my employer would NOT have been remotely understanding and I'd probably have got it in the neck.

Maybe he's had an ear-chewing by his boss for being late?

Kids do stuff like this but when it's not your own child it's probably hard to be understanding, epecially when it's a fairly new relationship and he's obviously trying to establish a rapport with your DD.

HypatiaCade yep, I can see his perspective and I acknowledge it must be highly annoying.

To be honest op,

Without knowing what your dd did, and how it inconvenienced him, I can't make a judgement

I think he dealt with it fine. He was pissed off because it was a really annoying thing to have done but he didn’t get cross at your dd, he left it for you to deal with. When I’m stressed and getting to work it can take me the rest of the day to stop feeling stressed. He accepted your apology and didn’t complain even though you knew he wasn’t particularly happy. Just move on.

It’s not a red flag and dismissing what your daughter done as a ‘prank’ isn’t ideal, she deliberately hid something and I’m sure she was aware that it was making him late for work, stick to the loss of screen time and explain to her that her behaviour wasn’t nice and it’s rude to behave like that. Your Bf seems very kind and understanding, is he not allowed to be annoyed?
You sound far too soft and ready to make excuses for her.

but I'm slightly troubled by the fact he clearly felt like he wanted to explode.

See this would concern me. It shows he may have a short temper. I would keep an eye on that.

I have a 7 year old DD and she likes to play pranks on my boyfriend. Pranks such as, hiding his shoes in the cat tunnel or putting boyfriend car keys in his shoes.

It's silly and all a bit of fun but items are found very quickly.

Bookworm fair enough. I am probably very ready to make excuses. I am super paranoid about creating a situation where she perceives herself to be less of a priority as a result of his presence in my life. Sometimes my radar wobbles a bit.

You sound like a thoughtful and attentive mum. It's very difficult trying to balance the needs of DD with your own personal relationship and happiness. The way you've described the circumstances of what your DD did makes me think she has very conflicting emotions (could even be conflict of loyalty and sadness mixed in there, due to not having access to her DF etc). She just needs ongoing reassurance and the 'what's right and wrong' message, which you did very well.

I would just scale back on direct contact between your BF and DD for the time being and see how things pan out. Sounds like your BF is also having to get used to 'sharing you' and isn't used to DC not having any of his own. He probably felt he had to walk on eggshells, wasn't able to intervene directly with DD so felt frustrated by the whole situation. He sounds quite a decent guy actually 😃

I would be cross with anyone or anything that made me run late for something.

Some people are relaxed about lateness, I’m not!

I think he did well to not outwardly show he was cross but I understand why he was.

What red flag? He late into work. Boss not happy. You think boss would look other way so he can contact you “multiple times” when supposed to be working? Then you call him at work and suprised he is quick talking...he was late! He has to make up to boss for being late.

I think you too hard on DD as well. 2 day punishment for small prank is too much.

I don't think it's a red flag in the way you mean - but it may indicate he will come to have second thoughts about a relationship with you.

Being late for work because a child that isn't yours - who(to be brutally blunt) has been foisted upon you as a consequence of you wanting a sexual relationship with her mother - has hidden something would be highly aggravating. It would be annoying if it were your own child.

If he doesn't have children, doesn't want any - it maybe that long term the normal irritations that go with having children is not for him.

His reaction generally wouldn't bother me. It's bound to be annoying for anyone.

OP, it was indeed unfortunate timing for your DD that her dad decided to threaten you and lose his contact with her, after you had introduced your boyfriend to her. You were not to know that this would happen and I do not think you should beat yourself up thinking you should have ended your relationship then. It's been four years since you separated from DD's father, you clearly put her first but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a happy relationship with a decent partner. As for DD's behaviour, it's understandable that she is feeling mixed up after losing contact with her dad shortly after you started a new relationship. But that is her dad's fault. Obviously you can't bad-mouth him to her but he should apologise to her and tell her it is because he did something wrong that they can't see each other. You and new partner should not be blamed for her not seeing her dad but she is only a kid and will probably see it like this unless her dad is honest and owns his mistake. It's not doing her any favours for her to see her dad as a hard-done-by hero who isn't allowed to see her. I'm sure others will disagree but that's my opinion! As for hiding your partner's item on a work morning, I'd be fuming if my own kid did this, whatever the reason, and would take me a while to calm down as I'm not a morning person and get stressed and grumpy if I can't find something important, especially if that's because someone else has moved it! Sure I'm not the only one! 8 is old enough to know it's important to get to work on time. Anyway, you've dealt with it all fine and sounds like your partner had a normal reaction and just needed to calm down. If he keeps on about this one incident or starts being weird that's a different matter - he should move on from it now. If DD keeps 'pranking' him despite him genuinely making an effort with her and treating her well, time for another word with her and consider counselling to address the situation with not seeing her dad.

Wow huge punishment for DD

That's way OTT. Why would you do that?

If your DP was about to explode in red mist anger over this prank, then yes - it's a red flag imo

If he was really pissed off because he was late and felt snappy, then no red flag

DD shouldn't do this again ever - that's been made clear to her BUT why does she think there's even a chance of you and her dad getting back together? After 4 years apart. Who's been feeding that line to her? Your ex?

Oh. My reaction is opposite to everyone else's! I DO think it's a red flag. That level of anger, even if suppressed over something daft a kid does would worry me. He has known her, what? 6 months? I'm just going by dp who is not my dc dad, and who would have been irritated but would NEVER have given me the cold shoulder over it. That's really over the top.
Anyway, getting used to mums boyfriend is literally the last thing your child needs right now so if I were you I would keep them totally separate for a while. A good while.

And bear in mind that the only kind of man you can make step families work with is going to have to be a) super chilled b)flexible and c) really kind-not just to you but also to your kids.

Ah not the only one after all-x post!

As said, he had every right to be annoyed. How could it be a red flag? Because he didn't laugh it off?