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Original poster

AIBU to be vaguely unsettled by his reaction? Red flag?

77 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 22/08/2019 16:36

New(ish) partner, about 9 months. Is very sweet, kind and understanding and very patient with my 8 year old DD. Partner doesn't have kids.

Backstory is my ex and I have been separated for four years but until recently saw a fair amount of each other. He recently threatened me with violence and is now under an injunction so contact with DD is limited and via third parties. DD is obviously upset about this. By pure, unfortunate coincidence, this coincided roughly with the point where she was getting to know my new partner.

She has been a bit guarded with my new bf but is coming around to him. I have introduced him very slowly and tried not to go at a level she is not comfortable with. There have been stops and starts but I thought we were moving in the right direction and they seem to be becoming friends.

This morning after he had stayed over she "hid" a personal item of his as a prank. It was frustrating as it delayed him on his way into work. It was obviously a naughty thing to do and I was cross with her and made her apologise and have revoked screen privileges for a couple of days. I've since had a long chat with her about what happened and why she did it etc. Told her boyfriend is not going to replace dad and that dad will always be here for her etc, but that she is not allowed to do things like this and must treat him with respect. She admitted she wants mum and dad to get back together, likes new boyfriend but he's not her dad. All fairly understandable.

Boyfriend, who usually contacts me multiple times during the day, pointedly did not after this. I spoke to him on the phone and was superficially understanding and accepted all apologies given but it was very clear from his tone and lack of response he was very pissed off and when pressed on this he admitted it although said he had calmed down.

To be clear, he has never done anything which in any way crosses a line in his treatment of her and has been very patient and understanding about her sometimes unreasonable behaviour with him. I can't fault him on this. But I am upset that he is pissed off about something which, while clearly annoying and naughty is a) trivial in the scheme of things and b) obviously has been brought on by her confusion about things. I sensed, though he didn't say this in so many words, that he thought I should have been tougher in my treatment of her.

AIBU to feel upset that he couldn't see this? Or should I cut him some slack on this as he is otherwise doing his best and tried to keep his anger under wraps? Am I just overthinking the whole thing?

OP posts:
HepzibahGreen · 22/08/2019 17:40

No because he changed his usual behaviour ALL DAY. That's ott.

Survivaltowel · 22/08/2019 17:46

Maybe it's not a red flag in general, but it's a red flag that he won't make a great stepdad. Not his fault, not your fault, just unfortunate.

YesSheCan · 22/08/2019 17:47

See, I don't think feeling so angry that you have to check your temper is a red flag, when a child deliberately does something to annoy or inconvenience you, when the consequences are something important like being late for work. My own child went through a phase of terrible behaviour, a lot of which was deliberate and aimed at me, and sometimes did make me late for work, and although I understood that it was because of a very difficult family time we went through, it was still very hard to deal with it calmly all the time and there were times I did shout and lose my cool.
OP also says in her original post that her DD has behaved unreasonably with her partner before this incident and he has been very patient. Trying to put myself in his shoes, if my partner had a kid who kept misbehaving with me and then one day hid an important possession, making me late for work, I'd be exasperated and feel like we all needed to resolve the situation. Which is probably why OP's partner has suggested they all sit down and talk. It sounds like he cares about the relationship and about having a good relationship with OP's daughter.

HepzibahGreen · 22/08/2019 17:49

See I don't think 9 months in is a partner. It's a boyfriend you are still getting to know.

HeadintheiClouds · 22/08/2019 17:51

Did she hide his car keys? I’d be pissed off at running late in the morning because an 8 year old was pratting about, tbh?
It depends on how you responded, really. I’m guessing you made excuses for her?

MzHz · 22/08/2019 17:52

I agree with @HepzibahGreen.

You have an ex who has used violence or the threat of it to manipulate you, so god only knows what other coercive methods he used before this that you didn’t pick up

This bloke you have known for 9m and he’s reacted disproportionately to how you feel he should have done and he’s clearly going to try to justify that.

I think you should end it actually, he’s punishing you for something you haven’t done, he’s making your daughter the fall guy which sets you on a path where he forces you to choose between him and her.

This smells all kind of wrong. Bin him.

MzHz · 22/08/2019 17:53

And no, he’s a bloke, a boyfriend, not a partner.

Don’t give him a position he hasn’t earned.

YesSheCan · 22/08/2019 17:53

@HepzibahGreen I'd agree if it was a one-off incident that to go quiet for the whole of the next day might be a bit much. But OP says DP has already been very patient and understanding with DD's sometimes unreasonable behaviour towards him. I think I'd go a bit quiet if I was with someone I cared about but their kid's behaviour was difficult to deal with and I had no prior experience of parenting or step-parenting. Not to be 'off' with partner but to take time to figure out how to resolve things and maybe not say anything until feeling calmer and clearer about a constructive way to deal with a delicate situation.

HepzibahGreen · 22/08/2019 17:59

Don’t give him a position he hasn’t earned.
In a nutshell.^

Azeema · 22/08/2019 18:00

@HepzibahGreen
“No because he changed his usual behaviour ALL DAY. That's ott.”

Do not agree. He was made late to work. If he calling OP multiple times during day after being late his work think very bad of him. He did not change his behaviour, he just doing what any late person would do...catch up work instead call girlfriend many times in day.

Azeema · 22/08/2019 18:04

He also make good suggestion to all 3 talk calmly at home after work. Not good air dirty laundry on phone at work.
I think he has been very very reasonable. Op sounds too worry. Even real dads get irritate by their DDs at time. Talking with them best way to move forward.

NoCauseRebel · 22/08/2019 18:05

But maybe he’s quiet because he’s rethinking his position.

At the moment all that is being focussed on is the OP and her DD, but actually the BF is entitled to his feelings as well, and it’s entirely possible that a child who is deliberately going out of her way to make his life difficult is going to make him think about whether this relationship is for him.

On the step parenting boards you read posts about SM’s whose DSC deliberately go out of their way to be mean to the SM, and the answer is generally that this won’t get better and perhaps the SM should be reconsidering their position. Especially if the biological parent is not dealing with the situation appropriately.

As for him being angry, we’ve all been angry, no? It’s not the anger that is the issue it’s how one deals with it, and in this instance he didn’t actually do anything with that anger, or are we now saying that anyone who feels the emotion of anger is giving off red flags? Come on.

Also, given the OP is out of a previously abusive relationship, it’s possible that she is actually projecting her past on to this bloke, and imagining that he would be angry as her ex used to be.

MzHz · 22/08/2019 18:07

But OP says DP has already been very patient and understanding with DD's sometimes unreasonable behaviour towards him.

He’s known her a couple of months tops!

Hardly a long history of good behaviour...

Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2019 18:13

You are so out of order to dictate how he should feel and act because your child made him late for work.

He is probably wondering if she is always going to make trouble. Maybe he is rethinking if he can be bothered to stay in the relationship when he's bending over backwards for your child and this is what she does.

PicsInRed · 22/08/2019 18:14

I would need to know more about the normal behaviour of both daughter and bf to make a reasonable judgement. He may be a jerk, hard to know.

But one thing jumped out. She's 8 and she hid the keys ... but she made him late? Did she steadfastly refuse to say where they were? For a long time? Because that's not a prank, it's unpleasantness. At 8, she should know better. It sounds like maybe you dismiss her behaviour as "oh you little scamp!" proud mum grin when it's not appropriate and a proper punishment is required. If so, I'm not surprised bf has had a goard full.

YesSheCan · 22/08/2019 18:18

OP says they have been together 9 months. Not sure how long ago he was introduced to DD. Ok, 9 months isn't that long but it's not a brand new boyfriend either. Most people would struggle to maintain a facade of best behaviour for longer than 3-6 months before letting true colours show.

Windmillwhirl · 22/08/2019 18:19

Good pint PicsInRed

How long did she let him panic and look for them for? At age 8 she is well aware that being late for work could get him in trouble.

VikVal · 22/08/2019 18:20

Not a red flag at all in my eyes, of course he is going to be upset about being delayed for work and he is probably already thinking he is walking on egg shells with the whole situation and wants to make a positive impression to your little girl. To be honest it's an unsettling time for her to, reassure her but also say that playing pranks on people who are trying to go to work is never a good thing.

VikVal · 22/08/2019 18:24

@MzHz

Wow so OP is saying DP has been patient and nice about everything which is good and your no doubt LTB fuelled response is basically well he hasnt known her for that long so hard to say...Good grief!

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 22/08/2019 18:33

Agree with PicsInRed, my 8yo DC would not be making me late for work because "Car keys. Now." would do the job.

If someone else's DC had hidden them, absolutely I would have thinly veiled rage if they were gently trying to coax them into coughing them up.

Daylily34 · 22/08/2019 18:33

He was angry , but he didn’t lose his cool at all . There is no red flag here.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/08/2019 18:37

I DO think it's a red flag. That level of anger, even if suppressed over something daft a kid does would worry me

What level of anger though? OP has said nothing that would indicate that he was a seething mass of fury. He didn’t punch walls, slam doors or raise his voice. OP’s DD did something annoying on purpose and he’s entitled to be pissed off about it, especially if it made him late for work. Perhaps he wasn’t too effusive with OP throughout the day as he felt that she minimised and let DD off.

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2019 18:37

How about teaching her not to touch things that don't belong to her?

Techway · 22/08/2019 18:38

OP, I think if you felt his anger was disproportionate then you need to listen to that feeling.

I had a similar situation when my daughter upset an Ex partner (we lived together). His reaction was ott, not shouty as he didn't raise his voice but I could feel the anger and he didn't seem to be placated. He held a grudge and took it very personally when it clearly wasn't. She had borrowed something of his.

I justified it at the time as he was just unreasonable about the incident however given he had always been very positive I let it slide. A few years later I realised the anger was actually normal for him and of course it turned on me.

What is his relationship history? Does he get on well with Exs? Is he able to let matters go? This is vital as your dd will upset him over the next few years and he has to be able to move on quickly. Some people don't however, they fester and hold grudges.

It is normal to be really frustrated and anxious if you are late but if he had no consequences is it appropriate that he didn't move on quickly? Alternatively if he felt you were too soft could he have said that? Good communication is vital in a blended family.

feistymumma · 22/08/2019 18:57

There is no red flag there. I wouldn't see what your daughter did as a prank at all. Hiding people's belongings is just not on. I would have been pissed off by it.

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