AIBU to be vaguely unsettled by his reaction? Red flag?

[thepeopleversuswork]

New(ish) partner, about 9 months. Is very sweet, kind and understanding and very patient with my 8 year old DD. Partner doesn't have kids.

Backstory is my ex and I have been separated for four years but until recently saw a fair amount of each other. He recently threatened me with violence and is now under an injunction so contact with DD is limited and via third parties. DD is obviously upset about this. By pure, unfortunate coincidence, this coincided roughly with the point where she was getting to know my new partner.

She has been a bit guarded with my new bf but is coming around to him. I have introduced him very slowly and tried not to go at a level she is not comfortable with. There have been stops and starts but I thought we were moving in the right direction and they seem to be becoming friends.

This morning after he had stayed over she "hid" a personal item of his as a prank. It was frustrating as it delayed him on his way into work. It was obviously a naughty thing to do and I was cross with her and made her apologise and have revoked screen privileges for a couple of days. I've since had a long chat with her about what happened and why she did it etc. Told her boyfriend is not going to replace dad and that dad will always be here for her etc, but that she is not allowed to do things like this and must treat him with respect. She admitted she wants mum and dad to get back together, likes new boyfriend but he's not her dad. All fairly understandable.

Boyfriend, who usually contacts me multiple times during the day, pointedly did not after this. I spoke to him on the phone and was superficially understanding and accepted all apologies given but it was very clear from his tone and lack of response he was very pissed off and when pressed on this he admitted it although said he had calmed down.

To be clear, he has never done anything which in any way crosses a line in his treatment of her and has been very patient and understanding about her sometimes unreasonable behaviour with him. I can't fault him on this. But I am upset that he is pissed off about something which, while clearly annoying and naughty is a) trivial in the scheme of things and b) obviously has been brought on by her confusion about things. I sensed, though he didn't say this in so many words, that he thought I should have been tougher in my treatment of her.

AIBU to feel upset that he couldn't see this? Or should I cut him some slack on this as he is otherwise doing his best and tried to keep his anger under wraps? Am I just overthinking the whole thing?

I think it's your behaviour that's problematic here. I'm single and dating and I don't have children. At 9 months in I'd not be expecting to be a role model step parent for your daughter. Why has he even met her?

It sounds like his reaction was normal. He is allowed to get angry, feel frustrated, annoyed etc. like anyone else is, the important thing is that he didn't act on it. No red flag there that I can see.

Well i have 4 kids and if any of them purposefully hid my stuff I'd be livid!

I couldn't have children and if I was in a relatively new relationship and my boyfriend had a child who I was gradually getting to know, I would be angry too if the child made me late for my job. We don't know what, if any impact that has had on your BF's day.

This event would also make me stop and want to take some time to decide if becoming a stepparent long term is what I want. It'a hard for you to understand this as this is your DD and although he knew you had a child, he had no idea of the impact that will have on his life long term.

I don't think it's a red flag, I think his response was normal.

I don't think it's a red flag. And anger is to be expected - if I thought I was ready to go to work and then had to waste time looking for something that someone had hidden I'd not be happy. Did she retrieve it for him or did he have to track it down? Was she enjoying seeing his annoyance?

Did he see you get cross with her at the time?

I’d be fuming if anyone hid anything of mine that made me late for work, adult or child. Of course I wouldn’t display angry emotions to any child, whoever they were, but I would be bloody annoyed nonetheless and I tend to quietly seethe when I’m pissed off until I give my head a wobble and chill out. It’s not a red flag at all. He doesn’t have children or presumably lived with them before. It doesn’t sound to me like your child is ready for him to be staying over.

Just catching up after being offline for a while. Thanks, all of you for your comments.

Just as a point of order it wasn't keys she hid. It wasn't something as mission critical as that. Extremely irritating, but not something he absolutely had to have to get to work.

I agree with those of you who say he shouldn't be punished for having been angry as long as he hid his anger. I do think its a legitimate question as to whether he's up for step-parenthood over the long haul and I will talk to him about this.

Windmill I haven't said anything to him about his reaction. I've apologised (as has my DD) and all has been left on good terms. Its something I was considering privately but in no way have I communicated this to him.

Those of you who have said he shouldn't have met my DD yet: I understand where you're coming from. But he said he wanted to meet her as he knew it was going to be important for him to have a relationship with her in order for his relationship with me to develop and that we came as a package. I think after six months if I'd said to him no that's not possible he would have been justified in walking away. Aside from this I have minimal childcare so I can go out at best once a fortnight. It's quite a big ask to sustain a serious relationship over the long term at that level of frequency.

Anyway thanks for all of your feedback, its all been very helpful.

Did he find the thing or did she give it to him?

I don’t think nine months in is too soon to introduce him to your DD. The timing might have been off because of what had happened with her dad, but as long as you haven’t had a string of men through your door I think that there’s no right or wrong answer.

TBH, if a woman posted that her DSC were regularly doing things to wind her up and that her DP was being less than effective in terms of disciplining them posters would say that he needs to grow a backbone and parent his child, and rightly so.

If your DD has a habit of doing this then you do need to take notice and do something about it, because she’s not a baby, and deliberately doing things to wind up your bf isn’t on.

I think it’s too soon for you to be introducing your boyfriend as an overnight guest. God I would have HATED that as a kid.

HE drove the meet of the kid????

Ffs woman, where is your head?

Have you never heard of how men target single mothers?!

He’s known her 3m now and already he’s punishing you for something she did.

This is all shades of wrong love, you are the one to protect her, you’re vulnerable and he’s spotted this, and now the mask is already slipping.

Back off, stop allowing him to stay overnight- you don’t know him but what he’s showing is not good

Your instincts are tripping. Listen to them.

Most people would struggle to maintain a facade of best behaviour for longer than 3-6 months before letting true colours show.

Most abusers take on average 2 years to show themselves for what they are, it takes 6m for people like them to get themselves into relationships where they can then start to take control

Ops previous oh has shown signs of violence so significant that she’s been able to keep him away from them.

Therefore she will have a vulnerability to manipulative and abusive types. They are drawn to those who are vulnerable like a beacon call.

He has only a max of 12 weeks that he’s known ops daughter and anyone can keep up a facade for that long if they need to get themselves embedded

This is the first time things have challenged the dynamic and op’s immediately feeling that something is off, that’s enough to say that it’s IS off and she needs to take extreme care to watch what happens next.

I know how awful my ex was, I also know how it started- with the tiniest reaction that was slightly ‘off’. What op describes is exactly that kind of off.

I think you're letting him drive things too quickly. You shouldn't be pushing your dd because it's inconvenient to you to only see him once a fortnight.

The only red flag I see is you being extremely picky with so called “red flags” that aren’t even there

I’d be pissed off if a child hid something of mine making me late for work aswell. I don’t blame him for being annoyed.

However he didn’t act on it, he only admitted he was annoyed when you repeatedly pressed. I don’t see the problem here? Almost like you want there to be a problem?

Not being harsh.
You sound a great mum and rightly so you want your daughter to be happy and comfortable around the person you’re with.

But it sounds like you’re looking for red flags that aren’t even there.

Im not sure what you expect? Surely anyone would be pissed off if they got made late for work by someone purposely hiding your stuff. He didnt shout or say anything but you could tell he was annoyed because he was. Hes allowed to have feelings.
Maybe she is upset that he is staying over?

I think this will blow over if you let it

Ah... maybe I am the only one, but why have a man you have only known 9 months stay overnight when you have a DD?

Yeah I wouldn't be having him stay overnight after 9 months. That's too soon. It's having an effect on her, don't ignore it. She's only 8 and you both overreacted.

He needs to get a grip, she's a kid and if he wants to be around children he has to have some tolerance. Stop letting him drive the relationship at a speed your very young child obviously isn't comfortable with.

So it wasn't even a critical item or something he couldn't leave without. So it shouldn't have actually made him late for work.

I'm not sure where he gets off thinking you should have been tougher in your treatment of her either btw. He's barely met the kid. He doesn't get a say in your parenting.

I think you handled it fine. Can't blame him for feeling annoyed, he has no prior experience. You're going to feel what your daughter feels, that's kind of the nature of a mother/daughter relationship. He can be sympathetic, but he's not going to hurt when she hurts. You suppressed it appropriately enough to tell her off and then explain it to her. Everyone is acting appropriately from where I stand, no red flags. Your girl needs a little extra from you right now and you know that.

Nine months is much too soon to be introducing a new partner after what has happened. No wonder she is acting up. Poor child.

If anything, I’d expect him to be wondering whether this was a red flag and whether he wanted to continue a relationship with a woman who had a child who would do something like this.

@LellyMcKelly agreed. I must admit, reading this whole thread, I have thought all the comments and advice could be for nothing, as he considers this a red flag (hate that phrase as much as "get your ducks in a row") and is thinking this isn't for me.

Lol '9 months is too soon' umm no it isn't. She has been apart from her partner for four years ppl she is allowed to have a life, and a man stay over. I would have hated that as a child Tough titties. Its never going to be easy for a kid to accept a new partner but you don't just not date because of that. Not unless you want an entitled little bugger for a child.

Op clearly considers her kids feelings and is keeping close watch on things.

So it WASN’T something he needed for work? Why didn’t he just go to work, then?

2 days punishment for something so trivial? How are you going to punish her when she really does something wrong?

And I wouldn’t have a BF staying over while everything is so new and also unsettled re: her father.

@Frith2013 I can see what you are saying, but why should he? If she took something that was his, he has every right to want it back there and then. Apologies if this doesn't sit well with others, just my opinion.

Both of my boys have done similar in the past and have been told, return it now and don't ever again take anything that isn't yours without asking.

Cut him some slack. It would appear that he didn't lose his rag and the mother dealt with it. Personally, I would have been annoyed as well.