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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating - huge number of women. Please advise :(

88 replies

Pinklace2 · 19/08/2019 13:37

I am in shock today and really need support and advice.. I’m too ashamed to speak to friends/family.

My ex boyfriend gave me two STI’s around a month ago. He claimed it was a ONS and was very regretful. He wanted to sort things out but I obviously wanted to end things. We have a DC so no contact is not an option, there is no one else who could do hand overs etc.

He has been constantly pushing and baiting me into an emotional reaction since I found out about the cheating and STI’s. Yesterday this came to a head when he admitted a huge, huge amount of other stuff he has done. He has essentially slept with a huge number of women while we were together - he does not even know a certain number - and he showed me his phone which had 20+ active conversations with different women.

I think he showed me this as a misguided attempt to gain my trust, or to alleviate himself of guilt, I really don’t know.

I’m in shock. The entire time we were together, including trying for DC #2 (luckily I did not get pregnant) he was speaking to all of these women and essentially having a relationship with all of them, including regular meeting up, exchanging photographs, and having in depth emotional conversations. One of them actually had an active argument in the chat, where he was telling her off for meeting up with her ex boyfriend a few days ago.

Him sleeping with one person was bad enough and I’m in complete shock that he has this lifestyle and has actually managed to keep it up for months. FWIW, when we were together he stayed 3-4 days a week and we saw each other most days. A lot of the women were meeting him straight from work (at a club) and most of them were very young, and he had chatted them up while they were out clubbing and he was ‘working’.

Where do I go from here? He actually scares me. One of the conversations looked like he was harassing the woman - she kept asking him to leave her alone and he continued messaging, she called him a creep and told him that he wouldn’t stop touching her last time they saw each other and he was disgusting and she did not want anything more to do with him. I feel completely sickened, shocked, and heartbroken that I have a life long tie to this man because of DC. I feel trapped and my heart feels so heavy.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 13:48

Women's Aid if you think he'll be stalky/difficult.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 13:49

He sounds like such a bastard/wanker/mentalist (delete as appropriate) that he's probably likely not to pursue or stick to child contact anyway .. which would be a blessing.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 13:51

He will probably try to use contact/child to manipulate and torture you .. there are quite a few women on here who've been through that and will be able to give good advice (as would women's aid).

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 13:55

But your best bet is to hope that he'll focus on one of the other women (or a new one) and you can fade out.

He'll probably try to use the "sex addiction"/childhood issues/depression/mental issues card when he realises you might be serious about splitting (this sort doesn't like being split with, they have to do the leaving and only them).

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 13:57

Sorry my 13.51 post should have started with "Alternatively .."

hellsbellsmelons · 19/08/2019 14:02

Please confide in family and friends.
You need real life support right now.
YOU have done absolutely nothing wrong.
This is all HIM.
Do NOT feel ashamed.
Reach out.
People will want to be there for you and you WILL need them.
If he won't leave you alone then threaten to tell all his family and friends unless he backs off.
Do not discuss anything with him other than DC access.
He's a sleazy creep and I'm sorry he is the male role model for your DC.
But you can sort that out from your end by being strong and keeping away from this seedy grubby little man.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 19/08/2019 14:03

Oh Pinklace2, I can feel the sadness in your writing x

He is a horrible nasty piece of work and now you don’t have to put up with it anymore. Please don’t be ashamed, if people want to hide their wrongs, they will. That’s not on you.
Please find someone you trust who you can confide in, you need some support in real life right now x

Original poster

Pinklace2 · 19/08/2019 15:23

@GilbertMarkham I don’t doubt for a second that he will use contact mainly to try and get to me. I tried to discuss how we would organise contact from now on, I suggested contact only via email which he refused. I don’t want to have to speak to him via text or WhatsApp just feels like he wants to take up as much of my mental and emotional space as possible.

I think I will just message him DC availability on a weekly basis and let him confirm dates/times. If he fades away or doesn’t bother I suppose that’ll be for the best. Luckily he isn’t on DC BC, otherwise I’m certain he would cause as many issues as he could with travelling etc.

OP posts:

Bored40 · 19/08/2019 15:24

That's awful, I'm so sorry for you.
I know this might sound like an odd encouragement - but with what he's done being so drastic/OTT I don't think anyone would/could read anything into it other than him being a complete shit with some real personality issues. So please do talk to people IRL and get some support. You don't need to deal with this on your own.

Original poster

Pinklace2 · 19/08/2019 15:25

He has already cried on cue multiple times and suggested he doesn’t want to continue living if I can’t forgive him and try again. It’s just added to the trapped feeling I have

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:35

I tried to discuss how we would organise contact from now on, I suggested contact only via email which he refused.

Can he refuse? Can he dictate the method of communication for contact? Seems unlikely - maybe someone else could advise .. or ask women's aid - I seriously think you should get in touch with them in general to help you deal with him.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:36

He has already cried on cue multiple times and suggested he doesn’t want to continue living if I can’t forgive him and try again. It’s just added to the trapped feeling I have sad

He wasn't crying when he was shagging the other women, contacting them, telling them off for speaking to other men, was he?

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:37

You're not responsible for his behaviour, he is.

He's just trying to manipulate and control you, don't let him.

verticality · 19/08/2019 15:38

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. A good friend of mine found out the same thing about her husband and she got (and buys) the whole 'sex addiction' excuse. Please don't let that be you. Bin him, block him, and refuse to respond except over email. And do take advice from Women's Aid on stalking.

Original poster

Pinklace2 · 19/08/2019 15:38

Thank you @hellsbellsmelons I have reached out to one of my closest friends, although I haven’t felt able to tell her everything, she knows the gist of it. I just feel so ashamed that I was in a relationship with someone so disgusting and repulsive. The thought of having to see him again actually makes my skin crawl. 😪

He has contacted me today with a lengthy apology and ‘explanation’ as to why he showed me all the chats/evidence. He has claimed that he hasn’t felt happy in years except for when we are together, and he doesn’t deserve me but he wants to fix it more than anything and he doesn’t want me to be scared of him anymore as he won’t do anything else bad. Received more apology messages after this, all ended in declarations of love. Haven’t responded to any. Really draining but as he’s refusing contact via email for DD i cannot block him.. which is probably why he refused email contact in the first place :(

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:39

This guy would never let you be the one to finish with him; he'll say anything he can to make sure he keeps you inside, so he can continue cheating on you and/or drop you when he wants to.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:39

*on-side

SunnySideDownBriefly · 19/08/2019 15:42

Pinklace - I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds like an utter dick and you're going to have to toughen up I'm afraid.

He doesn't get to refuse contact by email. He has no choice. You simply tell him this is what you are going to do and then do not reply to contact any other way. Stand firm. You don't need his permission.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:43

This type thinks women are belongings and play-things ... You saw how jealous and controlling he was of one of his women, even though she's one of many including you.

You're not allowed to end it, only he can - keep that in mind when he says all this to try to get you back where he wants you.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:47

If you were to insist on email, he'll only send all these heartfelt (sarcasm) apologies and begging and excuses and promises by email ... You'll be bombarded with them for a while no matter what. So it doesn't really matter. (He's also probably try texting and phoning you from a different number if you block him) ...

.. though it does show that he's already dictating things and you're going along with it. On principle, if he refuses to use email and days text only/WhatsApp - you should be able to stand your ground and say "No, by email". You're going to have to toughen up to get through the shit show he's going to put on.

TeaForDad · 19/08/2019 15:48

I'd msg him saying email only then block everything else.
What a twat

Original poster

Pinklace2 · 19/08/2019 15:51

Thank you @verticality I have absolutely no intention to ever get back with him. I see him for what he is, and what a nasty manipulative scary person he is.

He was pushing for DC #2 and persuaded me, while all of this was happening. It’s terrifying to think I could have got pregnant and would then be even more entangled in his shit show.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:51

I also agree with others about getting as much real life support as possible from friends and relatives.

Don't be ashamed/embarrassed - you've done nothing wrong. The shame is on him. You just got into a relationship and had s child with someone, and acted normally. You weren't to know.

Plenty of beautiful, successful, smart ladies have been serially cheated on (Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock off the top of my head) and it reflects only on the scumminess and fucked upedness of the man.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:53

You're normal & decent - he's not.

Bobbindobbin · 19/08/2019 16:09

How hard is your DD could you try for supervises access?

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