Cheating - huge number of women. Please advise :(

[Pinklace2]

I am in shock today and really need support and advice.. I’m too ashamed to speak to friends/family.

My ex boyfriend gave me two STI’s around a month ago. He claimed it was a ONS and was very regretful. He wanted to sort things out but I obviously wanted to end things. We have a DC so no contact is not an option, there is no one else who could do hand overs etc.

He has been constantly pushing and baiting me into an emotional reaction since I found out about the cheating and STI’s. Yesterday this came to a head when he admitted a huge, huge amount of other stuff he has done. He has essentially slept with a huge number of women while we were together - he does not even know a certain number - and he showed me his phone which had 20+ active conversations with different women.

I think he showed me this as a misguided attempt to gain my trust, or to alleviate himself of guilt, I really don’t know.

I’m in shock. The entire time we were together, including trying for DC #2 (luckily I did not get pregnant) he was speaking to all of these women and essentially having a relationship with all of them, including regular meeting up, exchanging photographs, and having in depth emotional conversations. One of them actually had an active argument in the chat, where he was telling her off for meeting up with her ex boyfriend a few days ago.

Him sleeping with one person was bad enough and I’m in complete shock that he has this lifestyle and has actually managed to keep it up for months. FWIW, when we were together he stayed 3-4 days a week and we saw each other most days. A lot of the women were meeting him straight from work (at a club) and most of them were very young, and he had chatted them up while they were out clubbing and he was ‘working’.

Where do I go from here? He actually scares me. One of the conversations looked like he was harassing the woman - she kept asking him to leave her alone and he continued messaging, she called him a creep and told him that he wouldn’t stop touching her last time they saw each other and he was disgusting and she did not want anything more to do with him. I feel completely sickened, shocked, and heartbroken that I have a life long tie to this man because of DC. I feel trapped and my heart feels so heavy.

Also I saw something on instagram a while ago, I can't find it now, but basically something along the lines of

"A man can go down on his hands and knees, cry, and basically have a full on mental breakdown in front of you, and STILL be lying".

Don't fall for his theatrics or hysterics. Remember how well he fooled you when he had that whole secret life going on!

You’ve had a lot of great advice here already.

Looking after your DC means looking after yourself, so think nothing of blocking him until either you are ready or he has made changes to his life.

He sounds like a master of deceit and manipulation - remember that when he is trying to get you to ply his game.

Many, many hugs to you. I have been in a similar (but different) situation and it’s shitty. You will get through it.

Just block him after you tell him you will only accept emails for now.
And get real life support.
He sounds bloody awful, hopefully when he realises he can't manipulate you any more he'll sod off.

If he stopped seeing your dd, that would be on him and no one else. Not you. If he's using access only to get to you and threatens not to see her, then he clearly doesn't give a shit about her. And a disinterested, erratic father is not better than an absent one.

Create boundaries, stick to them and let the chips fall where they may with him. It's his choice whether to be a decent dad or not. It isn't dependent on you. Push it back on him where it belongs - "that's your choice shithead".

Honestly, you need to get to a place where you're struggling not to laugh in his face - "you're promising to be a better man, and your first thought is to use your dd as blackmail and put the blame on me?" It would be hilarious if it wasn't so piss-poor.

Feel rubbish still today. Keep thinking about all the relationships he has had at the same time as me. It feels like I’ve lost a chunk of my life as it was all a complete lie.

I don't know why you think that blocking him now means that your child will grow up without a father. Many women have to block in the early days after a break up especially when they are the one who ended it and the man can't accept it.

I suppose it’s because I know what he is like as a person.. if he stopped seeing DC based on my boundaries he would use it against me in the future. And he keeps track of anything I do ‘wrong’ towards him and gets me back for it some way. IE, me not responding quickly enough to him contacting me would mean he’d totally ignore me for 2/3 days so he has one up. So it scares me what the consequences might be for leaving him and having strong boundaries around communication and contact. Blocking him would be a bad one.

@category12 weirdly I felt just like that once I found out he’d slept with someone else a month ago. I was really detached, briefly angry/upset but it faded and I had real clarity about what a vile, nasty man he was.

But him showing me all the conversations and admitting the extent of how many women he was seeing has thrown me. I wish I didn’t know all the details now and didn’t have knowledge of all the conversations.

So sad for you pinklace.

I’m not as wise as lots of women here about breakups but .... children just know when people are shitty. Just continue to be the consistent loving parent you are. Children can detect lies. I know she is only 2 atm but she will see through him if he carries on this path of vile behaviour.

If you totally block him what can he do? He deserves nothing and you need a break from him. If he continues harassing you report him to the police.

If you are worried about your DC 'blaming' you in the future (they won't, I split up from my kids' dad and not one of them has EVER, even in a teenage tantrum, blamed me. Their sporadic contact with him had shown them clearly what sort of a man he was) then why not keep all the messages he's sending you? In a private folder, somewhere, just hidden away so you don't have to look at them. .

And tell him that's what you've done. Say that if your DC blames you (again, they won't) you will just show them all the shitty messages he's sent, and they will be in no doubt at all as to where the blame for the split lay. You don't have to do this, obviously, but it might make him think twice about his attitude.

Hi I'm 6 years on from your pretty much exact situation now from what I can read (although my ex didn't admit it I just found out). Luckily you seem stronger than me as I went back a few months later for a few days which I definitely regret as it put me back to square one.
He stopped harassing me once he got a new partner (as he harassed her instead). He did keep it up for a bit when they broke up, but eventually you will move on, and types like him only like to harass and control women, they tend to stay away when another man is on the scene.

My dc has never missed him or asked after him as like yours they were very young when we broke up, and they don't miss someone who is rarely there for them

Hugs to you! My mum had such a similar relationship with my biological dad. She told him we were moving to Australia when I was 2! We weren't and age 4 my mum met my dad who legally adopted me :)

Age 17 I worked in a pub and there was a new washup that started. He knew all about me and claimed he was my half brother and that I had a half sister who was younger and really wanted to see me. I told my mum who said it was completely my call what to do. I handed my notice in and that was 13 years ago. Never heard from biological dad or any half siblings since. I'm grateful for the decisions my mum made and believe she will have 100% done what was in my best interest.

Thanks for the replies.

@lavenderlove thank you for sharing - did it take you long to detach emotionally after you broke up for good? I’m worried about carrying around all these negative feelings for months/years.

When I first found out about the cheating I was actually really hoping he’d meet someone else ASAP and leave me alone. But for some reason, him sharing all the details a couple of days ago (which was a month on from me first finding out) has made me feel really emotional and like I ‘need’ answers/reassurance from him. In reality I know he created this horrible situation and doesn’t deserve a second of my time but it’s really difficult to feel this way - and to now know that while he was persuading me to try for Dc2, he was sleeping with 20+ women, and adding more to the collection at every opportunity. In shock I think.

@imclaustrophobicdarren thank you for sharing. it’s really good to hear your perspective. I think my ex threatened to leave/abandon DC so much that it became a real weakness and something he now pulls out to scare me into going along with what he wants and compromising. I was so caught up in that, that It didn’t really cross my mind that DC might choose to not be in contact when older. I can’t see him having a huge personality change and becoming a lovely person. But I am worried about how it will affect DC identity to have an absent father.

OP but then you don't know when a great father might come into your/DCs life. That's a long way off though, I was just telling you my perspective because it's honestly not effected me at all. If wasn't hands on when he was with you she's not really missing anything. It's early days and I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision

It sounds like your still caught up in the thinking pattern of an abusive relationship, the what ifs and the trying to pacify, and the reluctance to put in reasonable boundaries due to fear of what will happen.
You could contact Women’s Aid, and talk it through with one of their workers, maybe do the Freedom Programme, it’s an amazing eye opener.

Oh @pinklace, your dc will be fine. You sound like a great mum.

I just wanted to add my voice to everyone saying that an absent dad is better than a shit dad. And he will be a shit dad, I'm 100% sure of it.

And yes, he told you all those details to throw you off balance. Try to rise above it. He is a shitty, shitty person and you (and dc) deserve a hell of a lot better.

Like another pp said, baton down the hatches, block and ignore him. Whatever he decides to do, is HIS decision and nothing to do with you, NO MATTER what he says. Do not fall for his attempts at guilt tripping.

I was in a similar situation to you when my DC was 2. It was soul destroying, my heart goes out to you. It got too much for me and I moved with my DC to a new city and started again.

As suspected, he got bored quickly and we were NC for years. I have the closest bond with my DC, now 10 years old. He’s never seen me in an argument and has no memories of his dad and I at all.

A year ago he expressed an interest in meeting his dad. I got back in touch with his dad and they now see each other and have a lovely relationship, I’m not part of it, only facilitate it.

I hope you get the strength to take control of the situation and tell him where to go. You don’t deserve this mental abuse and your DC deserves a happy mum

But op, what does it matter if he claims it's your fault if he stops seeing your dd? You will be able to say genuinely that you gave him the opportunity and he chose not to see her to punish you. Write him an email : "Communication will be via email, I am no longer willing to take your calls and messages due to the frequency and content.
Dd is available for contact [insert times and dates]. You keep saying that you want to be a better man: well, you have an opportunity to be a good, reliable, engaged father to your dd. Your responsibilities to her are entirely separate from our now ended relationship and I will not be drawn into further discussion about what has passed between us." Or something.

If you think he is the type to stop seeing your child because you put boundaries in place to protect yourself then why the hell would you even be so desperate to ensure he stays in your childs life.

He sounds like he will be an absolute mindf*ck to the child if he is that type of person.

Everyone on here is telling you to block and accept email communication only and set boundaries, I know you've had a shock and this is a horrible situation, but the reason people are giving you this advice is because it is the correct thing to do, if not then you are going to be in the exact same situation in 6 months time or more.

Thank you for all of the replies.

I did pass on the info about DC availability - I let him know that I would keep these timings free each week, and if there is a better schedule he wants to propose, he can let me know and I can see wether it works for us.

So far he has just said he will let me know. Have a feeling he won’t let me know until the very last minute, if at all.

@user1481840227 - I have followed advice, and I am really grateful for everyone who took the time to offer advice/support, but I am just worried for the outcome of the boundaries being in place. Although I know I can’t control wether he stays in DC life or not, I would prefer he did (assuming he stays being able to treat them well) and I hate the thought of it all being dragged up in 5-10 years time when DC is older and has questions about their dad, then inevitably I will have to find him and contact him.

I’m also so used to walking on eggshells around him and keeping the peace, that this is all causing me a lot of anxiety.

Really ready to close this chapter now though. feel really sad about it all but I don’t want to drag out the inevitable.

Well if he thinks you’re going to sit around pining for him... (He’s totally arrogant enough to assume that’s what you’re doing.) that you’re going to still be available at the last minute, remember the mumsnet chestnut... “That doesn’t work for me.” (Or No longer works for me.) The last thing this knob needs to think is that he has the power to control yours & DC’s movements. If you think he’s the sort to leave contact until the last minute as a control thing, take control back. Have something else booked in. (You don’t have to let him know what it is, but go out a couple of hours prior to when he thought he would grace you with his presence and come back a couple of hours later. Maybe a soft play centre with some friends.)

Advice OP: warn him not to contact you again by phone. Say that if he does, you will call the police. You will deal by email only and only to arrange contact. Tell him you want to see evidence of emotional stabiloty before he can have unsupervised contact. Somebody saying they might kill themselves cannot be trusted to look after a child. If he argues over this tell him he needs to get a court order. Of course, he wont do this.

Agree, I would say you need confirmation by the even before contact at latest, and then if he does a no show, wait a reasonable 20 mins and go out. Never be waiting around fr them. They miss the time, they miss the contact.

its not your job to make the relationship between him and DC, it is his responsibility, you make the time available, but dont go bending over backwards trying to do it for him.

My DD has just started, at 19, seeing her dad again. He has had 2 bouts where he didnt see her for 4-5 years at a time. this is his last chance. She thinks he is an absolute wanker. She made that final decision after visit number 2. She can see right through him and see his games and manipulations. I think she's rinsing him for the guilt money at the moment. I suspect she will go no contact at some point again too, probably for good this time.

OP I think you're amazing and strong. But please consider that you have been conditioned by an abusive man. This is why you feel compelled to constantly think about how to make things work for him and are susceptible to him triggering you because he's ground you down and blurred your boundaries on what is acceptable for you and your DD.

Please do The Freedom Programme ASAP. There is no time to waste and it's available online. It will equip you for the obstacles and wobbles ahead and help you re-establish boundaries and personal strength. Your DD needs an empowered mother too. Don't let this man dictate your life for a second longer. Time to prioritise YOU.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php