Cheating - huge number of women. Please advise :(

[Pinklace2]

I am in shock today and really need support and advice.. I’m too ashamed to speak to friends/family.

My ex boyfriend gave me two STI’s around a month ago. He claimed it was a ONS and was very regretful. He wanted to sort things out but I obviously wanted to end things. We have a DC so no contact is not an option, there is no one else who could do hand overs etc.

He has been constantly pushing and baiting me into an emotional reaction since I found out about the cheating and STI’s. Yesterday this came to a head when he admitted a huge, huge amount of other stuff he has done. He has essentially slept with a huge number of women while we were together - he does not even know a certain number - and he showed me his phone which had 20+ active conversations with different women.

I think he showed me this as a misguided attempt to gain my trust, or to alleviate himself of guilt, I really don’t know.

I’m in shock. The entire time we were together, including trying for DC #2 (luckily I did not get pregnant) he was speaking to all of these women and essentially having a relationship with all of them, including regular meeting up, exchanging photographs, and having in depth emotional conversations. One of them actually had an active argument in the chat, where he was telling her off for meeting up with her ex boyfriend a few days ago.

Him sleeping with one person was bad enough and I’m in complete shock that he has this lifestyle and has actually managed to keep it up for months. FWIW, when we were together he stayed 3-4 days a week and we saw each other most days. A lot of the women were meeting him straight from work (at a club) and most of them were very young, and he had chatted them up while they were out clubbing and he was ‘working’.

Where do I go from here? He actually scares me. One of the conversations looked like he was harassing the woman - she kept asking him to leave her alone and he continued messaging, she called him a creep and told him that he wouldn’t stop touching her last time they saw each other and he was disgusting and she did not want anything more to do with him. I feel completely sickened, shocked, and heartbroken that I have a life long tie to this man because of DC. I feel trapped and my heart feels so heavy.

I suggested contact only via email which he refused

Tough shit. Tell him that is the ONLY way you will communicate with him. You do not have to bow to his demands.

He sounds like an utter scumbag and you're better off without.

Do you know his mum or dad? Let them know what's happened and that he can arrange any visitations through them.
Not your fault, any of this. What a horrible excuse of a person he is.
Don't let him bully you into allowing him to contact you how or when he wants. He can fuck right off with that.

DC is 2.

I’m going to insist on email contact, although I do have a spare phone which I could use solely for contact with him so that he doesn’t have access to my main phone.

Feel really shit this afternoon, have loads of things which I need to do but I’ve just been sitting around feeling exhausted. Only slept for around 2/3 hours last night because of the stress.

He is working every day this week at his workplace where he has met most of the women and interacts/meets up with them. I know I shouldn’t care because I don’t want to be with him but it feels so hurtful knowing he will continue doing the same stuff while I’m at home alone looking after our DC.

Thanks for replies.

How old is your DC?

The times he has been over has he actually interacted with DC or was it more to antagonise and harrass you?

Does he work?

He can't dictate anything to you. Tell him it's email or nothing and then block him on everything. Let him figure out visitation.
Ignore anything and everything not related to DC.

You have to shut this psycho down 100% and hard or he will keep it up and grind you down with his abuse.

Don't hesitate to call the police on him or get a no contact order.

@CoventryAgain I have spoken to his parents a couple of times, but they had no interest in DC and they have no relationship. Ex has an okay relationship with his mum, and really volatile relationship with his dad.

I could ask my close friend to do the hand overs, but I know he will give her a hard time every time and try and drag her into the situation/manipulate her. She has a lot of her own issues going on at the moment, MH related, so I don’t want to add any additional burden as she’s already been really emotionally supportive and kind today.

I would send one final WhatsApp, “you can contact me via email at **. This is the only way contact will be facilitated. Do not contact me about any other matters.” Then make sure he has read the message, screen grab the blue double ticks, and block. Check that email address when you next feel able to deal with him, but for the meantime, take a break. He’s hoping to bombard you with bullshit until you relent.

Also I’ve been there myself. It’s hard, but it is not your fault, so try not to feel like it is. All of this is down to choices HE made and continued to make, now he has to face the consequences.

Absolutely send one last message rating communication via email only and then block

Speak to women’s aid about contact centre if he harasses you.
If not think of anyone else at all could do handover and if not then insist on (very) public place only so he can’t start hassling you.

You might find his interest in DC wanes if he can’t use them to get to you.

He’s an immature twat.
Don’t lose another day or moment of sleep on him
Focus on you and your lovely little toddler DC and making a fabulous life for you both.

Do stuff you enjoy and see people you like.
Tune him out completely other than absolutely necessary stuff about DC.

@RantyAnty DC is 2. Up until they were 1.5 he didn’t do much at all. Since they are talking now and a lot more active, he has been more hands on, chats/plays etc. But every single time he has had contact, he’s bought it back around to talking about us. Despite me shutting it down each time and stressing that we are not together and I don’t want us to be together, he comes out with lines such as ‘I won’t give up on you’ and ‘I will change for you and be the man you need’ and total shit like that. While still in contact/relationships with all the women he has been seeing, probably including the one who gave him STI’s which he passed on to me. Exhausting and toxic.

He works, he doesn’t give me any money for DC but he picks up stuff we need frequently. He has a CMS case with around 1k in arrears but he changed to a self employed job, and does not declare his income, so beyond the arrears (which I doubt he will ever pay) as far as CMS are concerned his income is £0 (from HMRC) as he isn’t declaring anything.

Thank you for all the no nonsense replies. It has changed my perspective on having to compromise constantly to avoid damaging his relationship/contact with DC. When DC was a lot younger he used to ALWAYS use the line ‘it’s us three or it’s nothing’ which made me so anxious and like I had to walk on eggshells to avoid him abandoning DC. It’s difficult to get out of that mindset but I know it has to be done or I will lose more of my life and happiness to him.

OP I am so sorry that he has acted such a shit and his selfishness has impacted your health and well being. Please let family and supportive friends know what has happened and allow them to take care of you and DC until you are feeling stronger.

I would also advise a couple of counselling sessions if you can afford it, it would help clear the shock and fog and help you come up with a plan to deal with his manipulative behaviour going forward. Please take care

OP you don’t have to allow him contact if you don’t want to, especially if he’s just using as an opportunity to get at you. He can apply to the courts if he wants but he might not even bother doing that. Your DD is only 2, she won’t even remember him and it won’t affect her life in any way if she has no contact with him from here on

Also, do keep a record of all his texts etc. There may be a point when the sorries and promises become something quite different. If he’s a real shit you may need to get a non-mol out on him, which will be much easier if you’ve got a record of his behaviour.

I think should should call Womens Aid, as PP have said. They will be able to advise you on how best to deal with him. They have experience of helping women who are going through this every day, so there’s no shame in it and you’re not the only one, I assure you.

Also, if you ever need it, please be aware of DV assist. They can help you with non-mol and prohibited steps orders if you ever need it. It might sound hyperbolic at the moment but it’s good to know just in case.

Good luck, he sounds like an utter bastard who both you and your DD are better off well rid of.

I think you have to show that you have been reasonable about facilitating contact.

Unless you fear that he is a risk to your dc, I think he has a right to see her regardless of his appalling behaviour towards you, and she has a right to know him.

I would decide on contact days/times that suit you and send a last WhatsApp advising him that dd will be ready for collection from the doorstep on those days/times.

If you fear that he won't turn up, suggest he confirms by email each week, or on the morning, or whenever suits you.

If he turns up unannounced at a different time, ignore.

And ignore any communication that is not an email about dd, and do the handover as quickly as possible, without engaging, without allowing him in.

If he continues to pursue you, talk to Women's Aid or Police for advice.

@Pinklace2 I understand it's hard. You're doing what's best for your and DC.

My DD went through this and she tried to do the right thing and facilitate visitation and it nearly killed her. He would harass her so much.
Finally I got her a SHL who put the fear of God in him and she hasn't heard from him since. Her DC don't miss him a bit.

flowers]

You can do this. Have the bare minimum contact. Get some professional help to guide you through. Counselling, women’s aid, a solicitor. You can and will do better than this disgusting arsehole. God knows what else he’s picked up. Don’t let him touch you again. He’s vile.

Thanks so much for all the replies. They’ve helped a lot.

@itsmecathycomehome - thank you. I do want DC to have a relationship with him, and will do my best to facilitate his relationship with DC, until they’re old enough to organise it between themselves. He hasn’t shown any negative behaviour toward DC except being very passive and generally leaving me to do the vast majority of childcare/life admin/ organisation.

I am going to let him know today DC availability this week (tomorrow is one of the days, or id leave it for another few days before speaking to him) Ideally they could have that regular arranged contact which does not change week to week (as it currently does). I thought previously that in time we could get along, but with everything he told me yesterday I cannot see that happening anymore so neutral is what I’ll aim for.

Dreading that I have to contact him today but at least it’ll get it out the way for this week.

@Whatisthisfuckery thank you, I am going to contact women’s aid and see if they can offer advice - I didn’t think to do that previously as I didn’t know if my situation warrants that level of help when other women are in much more challenging situations. & yes he definitely is a bastard.

@RantyAnty thank you. That is a background anxiety at the moment - that DC might be troubled or grow up with problems related to not having their father in their life consistently. But then even when he is in regular contact (like at the moment) I’m constantly anxious that he might up and leave at any moment. Can’t win

What an utterly repulsive specimen....

Be prepared for (but not limited to)

A. The false regret 'crocodile tears' (look bored, no reaction)

B. Trying to maintain control via contact. (email only and block)

C. The rages when he knows hes not getting anywhere. Ignore messages emails and police if threats/ stalking occur

D. The pleading...dont engage in any form of conversation/ argument

E. Ignore the suicide threats this again is control and emotional blackmail

He can take his lodged up cock and get to fuck....human car crash.

@Closetbeanmuncher thank you. He’s already done most of the things on that list.

So this evening I provided DC availability and he informed me that he would ‘let me know’ (baring in mind one of the available days is only tomorrow..) and told me that if I don’t try with our relationship, he will continue dating multiple women and sleeping with them all. Totally unprovoked and I didn’t respond. Horrible. Worded in a way which made me out to be responsible for it all.

Wish we didn’t have a child and I could block him and let him become a distant, shitty memory. Scared that any contact I have with him for years to come will involve constant jabs like this one. I might have to look into contact centres so I don’t have to see him at all, but he takes any boundaries as an attempt to ‘control’ him which he has to fiercely defend himself from.

He has said previously that Dc would blame me if he cuts contact, as he would only cut contact because of how I behave toward him. Which is shit and another weight on my shoulders...

OP, can you go through a contact centre? It would mean you wouldn't have to deal with him at your home etc, and therefore protect yourself from him as much as possible. naccc.org.uk/help-for-adults/how-are-visits-arranged/self-referral-steps

I would just cut him completely out of your life. A bloke like this is a shitty example for a child.

Not on the birth certificate ? Good move, lady. If you can manage without a financial contribution I would simply pull up every single hatch and freeze him the fuck out.

That's me though. I firmly believe my children deserve only good role models. Fuckwit sperm donors need not apply.

@AnyFucker a big part of me wants to cut him off totally and not engage - it would feel like a big relief - it’s just the thought of DC not knowing their father which makes me feel shit, even though he is a horrible person. That being said, I don’t doubt he would drop DC the second they became inconvenient/ he met someone else/ other shit selfish reason. So in that case maybe it would be better while DC is really young.. really does feel like I can’t win.

I can credit leaving him off the BC to mumsnet

He is abusing you, stop contact, let him take You to court for access.

He is going to hold the dc over you forever

Children don't need men like him in their life. When he started abusing their mother he lost any respect as a father

He's a horrible person. A horrible person will never be a good father. End of. He's given you two STIs, he's going through a textbook abusive communication cycle with you right now, including blaming you for taking away DC.

Your DC does not need a volatile, abusive, clearly disordered creepy sex addict in their life.

Harsh and heartbreaking as it may sound he doesn't give a flying about your DC. Zero. He's only interested in punishing you.

The worst thing you can do here is maintain contact with a man who will let your DC down because he wants to get back at you.

Don't let DC be a pawn in his shitty abusive game.

Stay strong

You absolutely can and should block him. Tell him you will communicate by email only. If he continues to harass you by email come on here again and we will advise you on what to do.

I don't know why you think that blocking him now means that your child will grow up without a father. Many women have to block in the early days after a break up especially when they are the one who ended it and the man can't accept it. I put up with suicide threats for 6 months after I split with my ex, why? It didn't do me any good, it didn't do him any good either, he only sorted himself out when I just detached and told his parents to deal with him. We actually get on well now!!

It is your responsibility to be a good parent yourself, to look after yourself, to be strong, how can you do that if you are letting him treat you this way?

It's his responsibility to be a good parent himself, it's not your job. I'm sure you will be absolutely reasonable about facilitating and encouraging a good relationship between him and your child if he acts in a reasonable way and stops trying to harass you.

He said your child will blame you if he cuts contact. That's not true. They all say crap like that. I had my ex threatening to kill himself and write a suicide note to me kids to tell them it was all my fault and I was a slag (I split up with him because he had a drink problem and I didn't love him, there was no one else involved).

Your situation is horrible and you must be in shock and though many of us have split with our exes for lesser reasons than yours a lot of us have been through the same thing afterwards, threats, telling you the kids will hate you, guilt trips, absolutely everything they can throw at you, and we all know that it's horrible, and it's one of the worst things you can go through..I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a month down the line because the stress was so much....but you really just have to stick to your guns and ride it out. Tell him you will communicate by email only. You have said that to him already, show him that you will stick to it. If not he will keep this up for as long as you let him.