Cheating - huge number of women. Please advise :(

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I am in shock today and really need support and advice.. I’m too ashamed to speak to friends/family.

My ex boyfriend gave me two STI’s around a month ago. He claimed it was a ONS and was very regretful. He wanted to sort things out but I obviously wanted to end things. We have a DC so no contact is not an option, there is no one else who could do hand overs etc.

He has been constantly pushing and baiting me into an emotional reaction since I found out about the cheating and STI’s. Yesterday this came to a head when he admitted a huge, huge amount of other stuff he has done. He has essentially slept with a huge number of women while we were together - he does not even know a certain number - and he showed me his phone which had 20+ active conversations with different women.

I think he showed me this as a misguided attempt to gain my trust, or to alleviate himself of guilt, I really don’t know.

I’m in shock. The entire time we were together, including trying for DC #2 (luckily I did not get pregnant) he was speaking to all of these women and essentially having a relationship with all of them, including regular meeting up, exchanging photographs, and having in depth emotional conversations. One of them actually had an active argument in the chat, where he was telling her off for meeting up with her ex boyfriend a few days ago.

Him sleeping with one person was bad enough and I’m in complete shock that he has this lifestyle and has actually managed to keep it up for months. FWIW, when we were together he stayed 3-4 days a week and we saw each other most days. A lot of the women were meeting him straight from work (at a club) and most of them were very young, and he had chatted them up while they were out clubbing and he was ‘working’.

Where do I go from here? He actually scares me. One of the conversations looked like he was harassing the woman - she kept asking him to leave her alone and he continued messaging, she called him a creep and told him that he wouldn’t stop touching her last time they saw each other and he was disgusting and she did not want anything more to do with him. I feel completely sickened, shocked, and heartbroken that I have a life long tie to this man because of DC. I feel trapped and my heart feels so heavy.

consider that you have been conditioned by an abusive man. This is why you feel compelled to constantly think about how to make things work for him

^^That.

There is only one way you will find out whether he wants to be a father or not, or whether its just about you, and that's to take control of the situation now. If he doesn't want to be a dad, he'll feck off at some point anyway but by facilitating his bad behaviour, you're only prolonging him hurting you and your child.

You also do not have to check that email every day, or get back to him immediately. That is the nice part about a separate email.

Set yourself up a separate email from the one you use everyday and tell him that that is the only way you will communicate with him, unless he has your DC for access and in which case your phone will be switched on for emergencies only. Then block him from everything apart from the email- the more different platforms he has to communicate with you on, the easier it is to get at you.

Keep the timeframes open that you have suggested, and be open to tweaks in the regime to find something that works for BOTH of you (not just him) and is sustainable. However, give him a time limit to let you know if he will be availing of access that week- 48 hours to say yes or no. If he misses the deadline, he forfeits the access for that week. If hes going to be a dick and let you know last minute to screw with you, that stops him.

Being firm now will honestly save you a lot of hassle down the line.

Good luck, he sounds like a pig

Set yourself up a separate email from the one you use everyday and tell him that that is the only way you will communicate with him, unless he has your DC for access and in which case your phone will be switched on for emergencies only. Then block him from everything apart from the email- the more different platforms he has to communicate with you on, the easier it is to get at you.

You also do not have to check that email every day, or get back to him immediately. That is the nice part about a separate email.

^^ those paragraphs should have been in that order. My brain is not working today...

then inevitably I will have to find him and contact him
No you won't.
If he is not in contact you don't have to find him.
You explain everything to your DD.
But by that age, if her dad hasn't bothered to see her then she will have already figured out that he is a fuckwit and a twat.
Once she is old enough, she can track him down herself if she wants to.

Thank you for all of the replies, I totally agree with them all.

Feeling a bit better today, just coming to terms with the fact he has always been really toxic and controlling but I was SO used to constantly trying to keep the peace because there were always really horrible consequences if I stood up for myself or disagreed with anything. Obviously there were nice parts, but the overwhelming emotions on my side were fear and sadness toward him, certainly not love or security.

@wattytanker thank you for this; I am going to look up the freedom program. It’s scary to acknowledge that I’ve been stuck in a really toxic and controlling situation. I haven’t spoken about it in depth except for on this post, he found out once that I’d spoken to a friend about something he did previously and he played the victim card, pretended he was deeply upset and I had betrayed him, so I stopped speaking about our relationship problems. (Which were pretty much solely me not being allowed to leave or complain about anything, absolutely everything had to be on his terms.)

I also totally understand I can’t control or do anything to make him see DC. Although it does make me feel shit to imagine them growing up without a father, it’s been a real weak point for me, every time he has mentioned us breaking up affecting his relationship/contact with DC it has trapped me back in again. Which shouldn’t happen again as I find him really disgusting now, but I know he won’t give up easily despite really limited contact now.

DC is also picking up more hours at Childminder’s very soon so I am looking into training for a career I really want (had to stop when I got pregnant as I couldn’t juggle everything) and generally going to try and take more time for myself and Dc to do fun enjoyable things. It all still feels really intense and overwhelming at the moment but hoping that will start fading soon and we can get used to our new normal. I feel like I’ve poured everything of myself into the relationship and it’s really drained my emotional resources, individuality and happiness and taken my attention away from much more worthy things which actually add to my life.

Just thinking out loud but thanks again for everyone who has offered advice/empathy it really did help.

I still feel really uncomfortable/angry/hurt that he was (probably is) still in contact with so many of the women. I don’t know if that is normal or not?

I don’t want him and know he’s a horrible despicable person, but I want to feel neutral about it all now (including that he’s probably still seeing / sleeping with whoever gave him the STI’s plus several others.. )

That's completely normal! You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like that. But stay angry - fuck him!

You concentrate on you now and everything will come I believe in you

The neutral will come, but its completely normal to feel the way you do. Its all so new and raw, and so much more than you thought, so completely understandable.

You are a further step on from before though, when you had him back - you have moved past that point. T feel revulsion and angry and hurt is good. Its the correct reaction. And you wont want him back, so you have taken a big emotional step away from him. Thats a huge positive towards the feeling of neutrality

Thank you @NettleTea & @imclaustrophobicdarren

Woke up this morning to see he has blocked me (I had already removed him but had to check something in previous conversation re DC.)

It’s triggered loads of anxiety as he used to do this as a way to punish me/get attention/cause a drama or somehow turn it around to me ‘forcing’ him to abandon DC.

Realistically I know it’s out of my control and tbh if he’s going to fuck off completely, I’d rather he thought it was off his own back rather than hold resentment towards me (then for me to know he’s holding onto that resentment and will want revenge sooner or later).

Wish I could just fast forward through this shit time! He’s going to do whatever he can to provoke a reaction, I’m not going to bother.

It’s sinking in now that he will never be a good father, as much as it kills me to think of DC growing up not knowing their father (or maybe my anxious thought process was caused by all his manipulative shit) If he’s going to leave sooner or later, it’s better for him to leave when they’re very small I guess?

OP, my much loved DH died when our two DC were 11 months and 2 years old respectively.
I never remarried, and raised them both without a father for their whole childhood. They are now pushing 30, both graduates and home owners, with well paid jobs. One has travelled the world, and worked in Australia for a year after uni, the other is 5 years in a settled relationship.
Neither of them has suffered from the lack of a father. They both say that, because they have no memory of him, and because they felt I was always there for them and provided for their emotional and financial needs, they didn’t know they were missing anything.
Please don’t fear that your own DC will suffer anything from not knowing their shit of a father. You are a way better role model and parent than he could ever be.
Stay strong- each week away from your ghastly ex will help to clear your thinking and let you start enjoying normal life, without him dragging you down and playing mind games. Good luck!

To be honest it is better to have no father around than to have a toxic one in and out of their lives and being a terrible influence.

I am proud of my daughter - he was kicked out when she was just 2 but had been pretty absent before then. He had very sporadic contact and 2 periods of 3-5 years with none at all. She was able to grow up without being yelled at as her normal, to have the freedom to develope her own mind, and with self esteem that isnt on the floor. As a result now she has seen him as an adult she can see right through his manipulations and is not swung by trying to garner his approval. His twattery in not seeing her has allowed her to grow up as a woman who wont be susceptable to repeating the patterns. She had a relationship that got controlling and emotionally abusive and she recognised the feelings and acted on it, ending it right there.

also be prepared for him to try every trigger to get you back under control
the grey rock method - being really boring and non reactive - is the best approach. dont get involved in trying to defend all the rubbish he will come out with about you and what youve done/said/caused. Dont react at all.
those who know you wont believe him, those who dont, dont matter.

OP,

No father is so much better than a toxic father.

Many children grow up without a father due to different circumstances and have well rounded childhoods and enormously successful lives.

Having a toxic parent drifting in and out of your life and being a source of drama can only lead to stress and anxiety.