WIBU to tell him not to come?

[LadyGagasNormalCousin]

NC for this.

I have been with DP for a few months. We unfortunately don't see each other that often as we both work long hours and in different parts of the country. We're both young professionals, in our late 20s, no DC involved.
He was supposed to come over to my place this weekend, however I fell ill. Nothing too serious but a nasty virus, sore throat, fever, all that.
I asked him not to come for the following reasons:

• I feel miserable, I sleep most of the day and the rest of the time I am in agony. My head hurts, I am dizzy and have no voice, honestly I am not up for taking care of a guest or seeing people for that matter. When I am ill I just want to hibernate until I'm better.
• He works hard during the week and catching the virus from me is the last thing he needs.
• When I told him I was unwell, his first reaction was "Oh it's going to be fun taking care of you". I don't want to be taken care of for fun, this is not playing hospital or anything, I am actually sick. I just want to sleep and fixing the odd cuppa is something I can do myself. Honestly that comment has (probably irrationally) put me off.
• As we don't see each other regularly, he is very keen on DTD, something I am not comfortable with in this situation.
• The last reason is really vain but I don't want him to see me like this.

It's sweet that he wanted to come and I appreciate the thought but I just need some peace and quiet.
I told him that am sorry but I am not well enough to receive guests and that I would pay his train ticket he had booked so he wouldn't be out of pocket. I also offered to reschedule as soon as possible.
He refused my offer to reimburse him. I apologised over and over again. He insists he isn't mad at me, however he doesn't answer my texts for hours, only one-word answers ("nice". "ouch". "that sucks") and he's very distant. I tried to address this but he maintains he isn't mad. Should I just have let him come despite the fact that it probably wouldn't have helped me feel better but would have been added stress?

Hmmm he's coming across as somewhat insecure and lacks understanding of your feelings. I'd be having doubts about him too.

I apologised over and over again. He insists he isn't mad at me, however he doesn't answer my texts for hours, only one-word answers ("nice". "ouch". "that sucks") and he's very distant. I tried to address this but he maintains he isn't mad

1. You shouldn't need to keep apologising. He's insisted he isn't mad at you, but rather than accepting it, you keep pressing it.
2. Maybe he's wondering how ill you really are if you keep texting him. I mean, you said you're either asleep for most of the day or you're in agony and feeling dizzy.

I don't tend to text while I'm asleep and if I'm in agony and feeling dizzy, the last thing I want to do is keep sending texts. Or posting long stuff on Mumsnet, frankly.

SO she isnt ill enough to say no to a man?

If you're not feeling well and don't want to see him then thats fine, entirely your decision. By all means say sorry but no need to repeat it. He's a mate no big deal, he may see himself as more but obviously not.

As others say see how it goes, it may be he feels rejected as he wants more from the relationship but then thats tough and he's entitled to move on and find someone who wants the same. Just the same as you are entitled to say no.

Texts are rubbish as a means of communicating, When you mentioned his texts about work is he the same when you're together or is it simply that he feels the need to text something.

C0untDucku1a Of course she is. And she did. He tried to say he didn't mind coming, she reiterated she didn't want him there.

The OP said she just wants peace and quiet. When she's not asleep she is in agony (her words) and feels dizzy. I don't understand why she would therefore spend ages repeatedly texting this bloke and repeatedly posting about it on here. Be ill, and then once better, decide if you want to bin this bloke off from the possible red flag that's been thrown up.

He is immature , but it’s not necessarily the end of the world. If you tell him how you felt , explain being ill is shit, but also not about one him and that it’s not caring for him to be miffed that you don’t feel like being ‘cared for’. Explicitly say there was -1000% chance of sex while you feel like that.
My dh was like this tbh. Partly it was that he never got ill, so truly hadn’t a clue. But how they take it when you talk about it afterwards is the trick. The first time I was home sick from work when we lived together he came home and asked what’s for dinner. That never happened again because he does listen.

ShatnersWig She may not get the chance to bin him, I'd dump someone who (considering its not too far into the relationship) took such offence at an offer of help.

He stayed away when asked, he refused the money when offered the refund of his ticket. A light hearted comment of 'looking after her' has been taken with offence and she has such a low opinion of him that she thinks that all he's after is sex.

The term “red flag” is vastly overused on here. Bloke behaves slightly differently? “Red flag!!!!!” Bloke doesn’t text back straight away? “Red flag.” Bloke doesn’t admit he’s annoyed even though he’s only texting one word responses to someone who says she’s too ill to be awake? “Red flag!!!!!!” How many of the people on here manage to actually conduct serious relationships is beyond me. Or perhaps they’re just projecting their own insecurities.

Ultimately, the OP told him she was ill and that she didn’t want him to come for the weekend. He offered to anyway but he didn’t. Then the OP spends all her time texting him (when she said that all she wants to do is sleep,) and when he only sends one word responses (probably because he wants to let her, you know, sleep,) she doesn’t like that. And when he did send her a long text she got the hump because it was about him.

OP said that she doesn’t want to have sex with him because he usually wants to do that a lot. Hello? She’s never been ill before and now that she is she’s shut this bloke out, how on earth does she know he’ll be wanting to have sex?

Actually I think the one giving off “red flags” here is the OP. She wants everything on her terms. Doesn’t want him to come over when she’s ill which is fair enough, but gets pissy when he doesn’t respond in a way she’d like when she texts.

OP you sound incredibly controlling and if I were the DP it would be me thinking about whether to stay in the relationship.

A text takes a few seconds and can easily be done lying down between pain killers, especially if she's worried that he's upset or annoyed or suddenly a lot colder.

Musti Her postings on here will have taken longer than a few seconds and if you're in AGONY the last thing you do is keep sending texts or posting on MN. And if you're dizzy, looking at screens make it worse.

Rebel Glad it's not just me, then.

Op you're not allowed to text or read when you're sick. Did you know that? Best you're aware.

You’re well within your rights to have asked him not to come and if he is sulking (rather than just being a bit disappointed), then he’s being unreasonable. That being said, I’d have dumped you for the “emotional cr*pple” comment.

FGS its not about whether the OP should be texting, it’s about telling her fuckbuddy (because let’s be honest that’s all he seems to be to her) that she’s too ill to see him but then getting pissed off when he’s not texting in a manner which she finds acceptable.

In fact I wonder whether the “he always wants to DTD” comment is more about the OP, and that she doesn’t feel that it’s worth him coming over because she won’t want to have sex with him.

isitjanuary But she's not just sick, she's in AGONY or asleep and who wants peace and quiet. If you want peace and quiet, you don't keep texting people. If you text someone, they usually respond, and that pinging noise makes a noise. Or they ask a question back, which you then answer. That's not peace and quiet. And then you get affronted because the responses (which you don't want) are only very brief - because the other person is taking you at your word that you are stick and wanting peace and quiet and is trying to help you get it.

The bloke cannot possibly win in this situation.

You realise that sending a text is different to having someone in your house? Why is using your phone not peace and quiet? Why is her phone making a pinging noise?

I'm on my phone right now in bed sick. House is completely quiet.

Oh wow good morning everyone.

I am looking for a long-term relationship but that doesn't mean I have to want him there when I look and feel after 3 months.
The sex thing, I know that he has been looking forward to that especially and he has made clear that we could still try if I'm feeling a little better. I think I know when he implies that he is indeed after sex in some form.
I would definitely look after him if he was unwell and that's what he wanted.
I didn't "keep texting him" but as he was clearly upset I wanted to maintain a level of contact as we usually communicate a lot. (Yes, via text, burn me at the stake). My issue was that instead of just telling me that he was upset in order to work it out, he changed the manner of communication so I noticed but wouldn't admit he was upset when I directly asked him.
I have been ill since Thursday night, I started this thread on Sunday around lunchtime when I was feeling better, also I think there's a slight difference between texting and actually looking after someone coming to your house, supplying food and entertainment etc.
@Angelf1sh that comment was insensitive, you are right and I apologise for my choice of words

*look and feel shit

OP - hope you're feeling a bit better today. Sometimes when you're under the weather things seem to look awful when they're not.

Wait till you feel better and talk to him. Phones do allow talking not just text and talking is so much better, not as good as talking face to face but better than text.

Sorry but has no one picked up on the fact the OP has said she knows he would expect sex even though she is ill!!! Why do you think that OP? He must have form for it.
If that’s not a red flag then tell me what is!!!

isitjanuary I'm on my phone right now in bed sick

Ah, but are you in AGONY?

crappyday2018* but the OP can’t possibly know because she hasn’t been with him at a time she was ill.

I actually had the opposite in that I had an ex who said he didn’t want to see me one weekend when I was on my period because that meant there was no possibility of sex. [‘shock] and asking me to keep taking my pill at certain times so he could have sex with me.

In this instance it’s not even about the OP’s ability to text. It’s about the fact that she wanted to be left in peace and then when she was in a position to be texting, wanted the texts to be to her liking. You can’t have it both ways.

And actually, maybe the bloke was upset because he’d been looking forward to a weekend together when they spend very little time together and the OP was then ill. But if he’d actually admitted to being upset people on here would have piled on saying he had no right to be. And perhaps he doesn’t, but human emotion doesn’t always work like that.

I’ve recently had heart surgery and my DP was upset because he wasn’t able to speak to me whenever and wherever while I was e.g. in ICU. And when he vocalised that to me I told him he needed to get over himself which to be fair he did. But had he not said anything but was maybe a bit down People would have been saying that he was waving red flags yada yada yada. The bloke here can’t win.

Don't stew over it, just tell him how you feel, sort of things you've said here.

You weren't feeling well and didn't want him to visit because you thought all he was really after was a quick shag. You were upset he didn't simply say he was upset at not visiting but if he had you'd have felt that you needed to get up and 'host' him when all you wanted was to curl up and sleep and maybe send a few texts. Texts with a bit of sympathy was all you needed.

Tell him if you do see a future but it still needs time, not everyone moves forward at the same speed, he may not be marching to the same band as you, one of you may need to pause now and again to allow the other to catch up. Not everyone is willing to give others the chance. (And you want visits to be more than a shag)

Has his texting got any better OP?
Is he engaging more?
After 3 months, you are ill, you say you don't want visitors and he is not happy and sulks.
Not a good sign OP.
He should be understanding and then re-arranging, not having a strop.
Red flags OP.
Beware.

The range of responses here is really interesting.

The OP herself is actually quite measured - mildly annoyed by an apparently offish response from her newish boyfriend but fine to wait and see how he behaves in future, having noted how he's behaved now; she has said a couple of times what a nice boyfriend he's been so far otherwise; she herself might be being a bit of a mardy-arse because she's ill, which would be fair enough.

The boyfriend appears to be disappointed/mildly annoyed that she has cancelled their weekend together, which is fair enough, assuming that he was looking forward to seeing her. His texts sound as if they have been an irritating combination of snappish and bragging, but it's easy to misread tone in texts, especially when none of us know him.

The OP has been getting it in the neck from both directions, with pressure to see her boyfriend's behaviour as a 'red flag' from one side and to overcompensate wildly for the supposed rejection on the other. She's been accused of using the chap as a fuck buddy, which she says is not the case.

My view is that the boyfriend might be being a bit of an arse about this weekend but that he will very likely pull himself together and go back to being a nice boyfriend next time they meet up. Which of us hasn't been a bit of an arse when we've been disappointed? The OP has possibly been a bit hurtful in pushing him away when he was trying to be nice, but which of us hasn't been on perfect form when we're ill? Doesn't sound as if either of them comes out of this weekend winning any medals for being their best selves, but neither has actually DONE anything wrong.

Just see how it goes, OP. Don't turn it into something it's not.