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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WIBU to tell him not to come?

104 replies

LadyGagasNormalCousin · 18/08/2019 10:54

NC for this.

I have been with DP for a few months. We unfortunately don't see each other that often as we both work long hours and in different parts of the country. We're both young professionals, in our late 20s, no DC involved.
He was supposed to come over to my place this weekend, however I fell ill. Nothing too serious but a nasty virus, sore throat, fever, all that.
I asked him not to come for the following reasons:

  • I feel miserable, I sleep most of the day and the rest of the time I am in agony. My head hurts, I am dizzy and have no voice, honestly I am not up for taking care of a guest or seeing people for that matter. When I am ill I just want to hibernate until I'm better.
  • He works hard during the week and catching the virus from me is the last thing he needs.
  • When I told him I was unwell, his first reaction was "Oh it's going to be fun taking care of you". I don't want to be taken care of for fun, this is not playing hospital or anything, I am actually sick. I just want to sleep and fixing the odd cuppa is something I can do myself. Honestly that comment has (probably irrationally) put me off.
  • As we don't see each other regularly, he is very keen on DTD, something I am not comfortable with in this situation.
  • The last reason is really vain but I don't want him to see me like this.

It's sweet that he wanted to come and I appreciate the thought but I just need some peace and quiet.
I told him that am sorry but I am not well enough to receive guests and that I would pay his train ticket he had booked so he wouldn't be out of pocket. I also offered to reschedule as soon as possible.
He refused my offer to reimburse him. I apologised over and over again. He insists he isn't mad at me, however he doesn't answer my texts for hours, only one-word answers ("nice". "ouch". "that sucks") and he's very distant. I tried to address this but he maintains he isn't mad. Should I just have let him come despite the fact that it probably wouldn't have helped me feel better but would have been added stress?

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 18/08/2019 19:43

I personally would be disappointed to be called a guest..

And... surely looking after someone when they're ill is part of moving things to the next level? As in, it's a sweet thing to want to look after someone.
OP, were you a bit brusque? Maybe he felt pushed away, or thought he was ' put in his place' as someone who isn't serious?

Benefit of doubt, and maybe a conversation...?

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 18/08/2019 19:44

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 flowers

BigFatLiar · 18/08/2019 20:11

He may not be answering texts or being short because he's doing something else. Having been told he's not wanted this weekend he may have gone off doing other things rather than sit waiting for updates. Plus of course as OP has made it clear she's ill he may well be leaving her to it rather than engaging in long text conversations.

BigFatLiar · 18/08/2019 20:18

Bloke

He's a man, he's not allowed to be sensitive or feel rejected Grin

Sounds like he's more interested in OP than she is in him, he wants more involvement and she is still at the get to know you stage.

BraveGoldie · 18/08/2019 20:48

I am not sure what he is meant to have done wrong here, but he is in no way being unpleasant or aggressive, and in fact has just done a really nice thing by wanting to give up his weekend to take care of a sick, possibly stroppy woman, with the risk of getting ill himself! How do we get from there to dumping him/ red flags???

So he's not said a lot since- maybe rather than sulking he has just drawn back a bit - either consciously or due to hurt? In the early stages of dating, he was up for taking things to a deeper emotional connection by caring for Op, outside the 'polished date' mode? He has had a very clear message back that the Op doesn't want that kind of closeness.... so now he is being a bit less close. Maybe he does even want an open discussion about this, but knows that this is the worst time Op should be burdened with this, when she is sick....

Op you have every right to be alone if you prefer when you are sick, but I think there may be value in self reflecting about what not wanting him there does mean for you.... to me it possibly suggests some kind of fear of intimacy or fear of not being accepted when you are not at your best, or fear of being smothered by someone who is not sensitive to your boundaries at a time you are feeling vulnerable .... and this might actually be a reasonable concern for someone dating you - resulting in them pulling back slightly.

I hope you feel better soon and you work it out with him if that is what is best for you. Smile

BraveGoldie · 18/08/2019 20:52

Sorry - earlier post said it had failed! I don't think I am doubly wise or anything! 🤣

I would definitely not be sending a bloke flowers!!! And definitely not for this! That must be a ruse! 🤣🤣🤣

Lemoneeza · 18/08/2019 20:56

I once told an ex not to come round as I was ill with cold/flu. He insisted on coming round to look after me. Then spent the next week moaning that I'd given him my germs 🤔 twat.

BigFatLiar · 18/08/2019 21:04

Nope, no flowers. However when you feel better it may be worth talking to him about where your relationship is going. You refer to him as a DP which by the sounds of it is what he thinks but it sounds as if you see him as FWB rather than DP.

If he was DP material you'd probably want him with you good or bad.

Original poster
LadyGagasNormalCousin · 18/08/2019 22:10

A lot of stuff to process on here, I'll try to answer it all.
As I said before, I don't even want my own mother to come when I'm unwell, I am not an emotional cripple or anything like that. I just prefer to be left alone sometimes, no matter the relationship status.
No, he was not "giving up his weekend" to take care of me, I asked to cancel a visit we had arranged before.
I know that he would have been up to sex even if I wasn't and that was one of the reasons that led me to ask him not to come as I didn't want him to cone and expect it (even though there's probably nothing more unattractive than me with watery eyes, pale, pasty skin, a red, stuffy nose etc).
I will definitely not buy him flowers, sorry but that's ridiculous.
About the guest thing, he has referred to me as a guest in his home before as well, so I really don't see the issue. I don't live there, he doesn't live in my apartment.
I tried to be as gentle as possible when explaining why I would have to cancel the weekend because I felt bad and disappointed too, trust me, I did not tell him to bugger off or anything.
And as I said about the texts, short answers when I text him but long messages how amazing work is, how they all appreciate him, offer him better contracts he's too humble to accept, praise his work all the time... so do what you want with that information.

OP posts:
Limt · 18/08/2019 22:57

He doesn't take rejection well, for whatever reason, that's all anyone can take from the information OP. Flowers for you, not him.

confusedat30 · 19/08/2019 01:27

Completely agree with @crappyday2018 definitely a serious red flag

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2019 01:36

Flowers???!!! OMFG!! Nothing more to say on that one.

M0RVEN · 19/08/2019 01:42

He’s failed his first no test.

That’s a red flag.

So be careful Op.

isitjanuary · 19/08/2019 02:36

amazing work is, how they all appreciate him, offer him better contracts he's too humble to accept, praise his work all the time

Who talks like that? The sulking and wanting sex from a sick person is bad enough. There's something off about him.

managedmis · 19/08/2019 02:40

Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse to be honest

PhilCornwall1 · 19/08/2019 05:55

@isitjanuary you aren't wrong.

When I'm at work, if they offered me something better and it was interesting and had the added bonus of more money, I wouldn't be too humble to accept it. It's happened three times and I've grabbed it.

This guy sounds right up his own arse. Probably looks in the mirror each morning and blows a kiss.

BigFatLiar · 19/08/2019 07:23

I think it may be time for him to move on. Sounds like he wants more of a relationship than you do so as they all say he should be seeing the big red flag. If you're not looking for a long term relationship (which will include being with you when you have a snotty nose or are pukeing down the loo) you need to let him know,

You're sick and don't want his company. If I was sick I'd expect kind words and sympathy from a partner. All you see is his need for sex perhaps thats true but you haven't given him the chance. Sounds like you're looking for a FWB not a partner. As for his lack of response on texts. some people aren;t that great with text/email, would he respond better if you were talking about these things face to face. In the modern world of texts, sadly some just aren't that good at it (I'm rubbish - another who'd do the 'really' 'thats unfortunate' etc in response)

Takemebacktolondon · 19/08/2019 07:27

The comments about how wonderful he is at work would put me off alone tbh.

pog100 · 19/08/2019 07:31

OP you don't need advice here, you should be advising. You sound eminently sensible and experienced and you are best to judge. As you said yourself, see how he is but remember this incident.

M0RVEN · 19/08/2019 07:49

Another red flag for me is that you were worried he would pressurise you to have sex when you didn’t feel like it. And also you were concerned that you weren’t unwell enough to justify saying no to sex.

I’m not sure if that’s in your own eyes or in his. Either way it’s another 🚩

Witchinaditch · 19/08/2019 07:50

Wow you sound like hard work. Too much overthinking I’m sure he wouldn’t expect to DTD when you’re sick, he probably just wanted to do something nice for someone he cared about. Are you berg selfish and would never offer to look after him? If I was him I would reconsidering the relationship.

C0untDucku1a · 19/08/2019 08:07

bigfatliar exactly. Kind words and sympathy. But he hasnt. Instead he has just been saying how great he is.

Honestly, sometimes im amazed how many people will tie themselves in knots to
Make a cleadly selfish person be a hurt victim Hmm

C0untDucku1a · 19/08/2019 08:11

Wtf she said she doesnt want him to come over when she is ill. WHY IS SHE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE HER OWN PERFECTLY REASONABLE DECISIONS?!

Op, see how he behaves going forward.

Try another no test shortly. But not too soon.

This guy sounds quite immature, which is obviously unattractive to most. Although some people seem to find it sweet, im sure will be the ones complaining of feckless manchild husbands at a later datd.

M0RVEN · 19/08/2019 08:11

Some people who post on MN can’t cope with a woman EVER saying no to a man for any reason. They leap on any thread in relationships and tell the woman she is selfish [ not to do what the man wants ] and that he should dump them.

I assume they are red pill devotees.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 08:13

I apologised over and over again

Once is enough and I likely wouldn’t have done that! You’re sick, it’s your house. If he doesn’t like it, tough shit!

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