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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does partner act this way?

93 replies

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 17:34

Hi could anyone give me advice ..I’m starting to feel so low and don’t know where to turn! Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and we have a ds that is 1.
My partner can be so grumpy and moody I feel like his mood so quickly. He does have good points being with him I know his stable good with he’s money, good at his job, and faithful but the bad are outweighs the good ...If we fall out he will try and be funny arse with me for days, grumpy and moody about the house and doesn’t hardly speak to me and starts picking at me for things around the house and other stuff even though I always clean and tidy up I like to keep a nice home but he still finds fault or if it’s not his way of doing things. Some days when his in a good mood he will compliment the amount of stuff I do for him and our ds but on his moody days he will pick at me and it gets me down.
..Not long after having our ds I still got about cleaning cooking and looking after my son on night feeds and what mum’s do I never once asked him to help me like night feeds or getting up with our son in the mornings even on his days off I don’t because he will make out his had a hard week! What does do my head in is he can get up for fitness classes and football.. he works full time and his tired and not happy with his job and I’m on maternity so basically I should do it which I understand to a degree he works hard to do it but now I’m off maternity and I work part time he still says your only part time and I’m full time which drilled into my head maybe his right but when I work a night shift he still gets up for his fitness class and I’m left shattered out!
I use his car but every time I’ve used it he gets in and he inspects it and starts wiping everywhere with his hand making out it’s grubby although to me it’s with the odd bit of hair and dust and makes me feel uncomfortable and he starts going on at me ‘there’s hair there have you wiped the dash down there’s a finger print there have you shaken the mats recently??’ other people have complimented how immaculate the car is it makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I’ve found myself trying to clean it every time I’ve used it and worrying if anyone’s got in and made it dirty. He told me today to go and buy wipes and wipe it every time I’ve used it! I know his been in the army and he say his quite particular with how he wants things he went mad at me at 3 am in the morning when me and ds was sleeping because I left the hoover out after cleaning..If we fall out he can’t just say what he needs to say and we move on if he has an issue he brings it up in abrupt way which causes me to get my back up and I tell him not to speak to me that way there has been times I’ve flipped out and had a go back and in some way then he turns it on me for shouting! If I bring something up I don’t like he will get grumpy about it. The other day he asked his mum to have our ds last minute she said she couldn’t have him in the morning and had made plans with her hairdresser to do her hair and he told her well your grandsons more important and you should rearrange so it caused an atmosphere with he’s mum and he ended up getting up telling her to shut up and pushing the door shut! I felt embarrassed. Can someone give me advice?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 17:51

  1. He doesn't like women. He values women only for their service, like a fridge or an oven. That includes his mother and you.
  1. You had his child. Now he feels more ownership over you and a better ability to control you, as you are less easily able to leave. He can also control his mother for the same reason, with the heavily implied threat of removing her access to her grandchild.

He won't change, misogyny is not curable.

He will get worse as time goes on and the only option is to leave.Flowers

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 17:56

Thankyou when his grumpy I ask him if he ok and he will you should understand what I’m going through work tiredness I feel like he doesn’t want to try and be happy sometimes even when I try with him.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 17/08/2019 18:01

In answer to your OP title 'why does my partner act this way?', the simple answer is - he's a horrible misogynistic, cruel bastard, who sees you as nothing more than a maid, there to service his every need - including sexually.

He does not see women and men as equals and he will be conditioning your son to view women this way also.

If you don't want your son to treat women the way your husband does, then you need to ltb.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 18:31

He does this because he can. He is not merely grumpy either, he is emotionally abusive towards you and in turn your child. Such men do not change. Your only real option going forward is to leave this man.

You do not want to raise your son in such an abusive environment. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from the two of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 18:31

Such men do hate women, all of them starting with his mother.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 19:11

Hes like it with everyone even friends he picks at things and his football

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 19:20

Theres no reason a misogynist can't also be a general arsehole to some men. Please don't try to find excuses for him. He's not curably unwell, he's structurally damaged. There's no fixing this.

soapona · 17/08/2019 19:39

Sounds like my ex. His father and step mother would stay at a local hotel rather than his house to avoid all the bullying of this and that being done his way. I don't think this is being sexist, he is just disrespectful and I agree with the others he won't improve. Someone like this corrodes your self esteem and MOST IMPORTANTLY you son's! Can you leave? What's your financial situation?

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 19:43

My financial situation is ok as I do work and my parents have said I’m more than welcome to go home I’m worried he’s going to be so awkward over our son he’s threatened before if we split he’d try get full custody and he would work part time he would make things hard for me.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 19:49

The abusive ones always threaten to take the children. Classic. It's a helpful way of letting the family court know just how abusive they are. 👍

soapona · 17/08/2019 20:23

Oh awful for you Saw15. Can you at least get a break at your parents? You have to think long term. I know with my son he would not have been so high achieving being in such an environment, so I left when my son was a baby. He will of course try thus tactic but it's just manipulation and cruel. I know it must be hard but you are being conditioned to put his needs first above you and your child. Could you really foresee him working part time and being the main carer?, would he want that responsibility? Could he manage?

Ihaveseenalot · 17/08/2019 20:27

@Saw15 Please, get out of this controlling relationship while you still have the strength. He will grind you down, Rob you of your personality, self esteem, and you'll become his living zombie.

To wake you up at 3am to shout at you for leaving the hoover out is actually sadistic! I don't think he's just a misogynist, he sounds psychopathic. He will NEVER change, ever, He will get worse as he slowly chips away at your soul and turns you into a shell of a woman.

Ignore his threats that he'd take custody of your son if you left, the courts would never give him custody unless you were an unfit mother and you're not that! You should be very very careful if this man. When you do leave, and I pray you do, he will use your son to hurt you. When it eventually goes to court re access to your son, explain your deep concerns to your solicitor and social services and ask that he only has supervised access to your son. Men like him can do drastic things to punish their wives when they leave so you must make it abundantly clear you'll not risk your son coming to any harm when he has access to him.

Please talk to your GP and get urgent advice on how to stay safe. Make sure you have people stay with you when you're leaving or call the police beforehand. He sounds dangerous.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 20:29

Your right he couldn’t be the main carer he has him one day and I get off him he’s been a nightmare!! And I couldn’t see him working part time plus he needs his mum because when he does have him he will go to his mum’s x

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 17/08/2019 20:50

This man is a vile abusive bully. Find the sticky at top of this section to see exactly which classic type he is. He will only get worse. You will end up depressed and a shell of yourself. Your DS will be absorbing and internalising the toxic fear of this man and your fear. It will do him great emotional harm and he will have behavioural issues.

Classic threat to take the child and stop work. They never do it. He hasn’t done 5 mins childcare already never mind 24/7.

But be v careful - these types are dangerous. Don’t tell him you plan to leave. Get everything sorted and involve family and friends in RL. You will need to escape.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2019 20:55

He sees you on the same level as a fridge freezer. Or a washing machine.

A domestic appliance.

Leave him. Do you want your son to grow up to be exactly like him ? He'a loser. Someone who has to bolster his fragile ego by picking on someone he is supposed to love and cherish

SeaSidePebbles · 17/08/2019 20:59

Darling girl, listen to your parents, go home.
He’s nuts. Completely nuts. Leave.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 21:04

Thankyou I feel like I’ve got a lot off my chest he’s been in the bath for two hours as we speak so it’s guve me chance to chat about it it upsets me because when he’s good he’s the loveliest person but it doesn’t last long at all there’s no consistency and there’s always an excuse why he’s in a mood either be work or someone or his got an ache or me.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 17/08/2019 21:08

He is bonkers. When you live with it every day it’s hard to see,but what you describe is not healthy or normal. Get out for your son’s sake and your own.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 21:11

I think that’s what happening to me I’m starting to think I oh it’s just the way he is and just ignore it but I can’t anymore and I need outsiders to tell me there view!

OP posts:
Elieza · 17/08/2019 21:17

It’s the good side that draws you back in. I know what you mean but I speak from experience, that’s just a teeny bit of him and the rest isn’t worthy of you. I think things will only get worse. Youre not doing anything wrong and he’s still complaining. Only a matter of time before he’s turning the labels on the tins to the front, inspecting you before you go out the door etc.
It’s disrespectful. Time to go. Sorry but that’s the truth. You deserve better. Flowers

CIareIsland · 17/08/2019 21:19

The being nice for short periods is part of the strategy - otherwise no one would stay - it’s the “nice / nasty cycle” - just minimum amount of nice to keep you wondering

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 21:24

He always says remember the nice things I say about you but it’s hard when he puts me down over the same thing after it totally dilutes the nice things I could give so many examples! I don’t like taking him out with family as I know he will complain about things after. He complained and kicked off that my mum went to our son as soon as she walked through the door and not said hello to him first he said my mum was rude! She’s so far from rude she would do anything for us.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 21:26

Nice is the mask. That keeps you with him. The real him threatens to take your child away from you. That's the real him. A monster of nightmare proportions.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 21:26

Then every time he sees my mum he’s tests whether she’s says hello to him first. My mum loves her grandson and doesn’t see him much as we live further away.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/08/2019 21:59

He is quite pathetic